New but not new :)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
New but not new :)
Hi everyone,
I was a very active member of SR in the past - my old username was Aellyce, this is just to be able to sign in again. I hesitated for a while but decided to register again, in part to maybe interact a bit with some old friends but especially because I might want to discuss a couple sober challenges with people here that are not directly about sobriety per se but part of living a good life in recovery or recovered (whatever anyone identifies with).
I do see quite a few familiar "faces" here
So just a bit of update for those who may remember me. I first started my sober journey (from many years of alcohol abuse) in the beginning of 2014 and then had ~2 years, followed by a relatively short relapse in the first half of 2016. I had a long thread about the relapse and how I came out of it under my old username. My sobriety has been intact since but I decided to close my account here because I felt I was spending too much time on this forum in ways that were more a distraction/stagnation and detrimental to some of my everyday life goals, which turned out a great idea - it has really helped me to refocus and I've spent a good chunk of the following 2 years to really resolve most of the practical issues that I kept procrastinating and avoiding, and more than just resolving - I am quite happy with my life now and pretty content. Sorting out issues very directly and actively has indeed made a tremendous difference in many areas of my life, balance, mental health - everything. Of course there are always current and new challenges, but what I am dealing with now is nowhere near as complicated and tangled as all the accumulated stuff I avoided during my years of active alcoholism and also in the earlier phases of sobriety. Am also quite confident that I would not use this forum in the obsessive ways I did years ago, but we'll see... if that happens, I won't hesitate to quit again.
I will stop here for now and may post about those specific topics I would like to discuss later.
Good to be in familiar environment with many memories!
I was a very active member of SR in the past - my old username was Aellyce, this is just to be able to sign in again. I hesitated for a while but decided to register again, in part to maybe interact a bit with some old friends but especially because I might want to discuss a couple sober challenges with people here that are not directly about sobriety per se but part of living a good life in recovery or recovered (whatever anyone identifies with).
I do see quite a few familiar "faces" here
So just a bit of update for those who may remember me. I first started my sober journey (from many years of alcohol abuse) in the beginning of 2014 and then had ~2 years, followed by a relatively short relapse in the first half of 2016. I had a long thread about the relapse and how I came out of it under my old username. My sobriety has been intact since but I decided to close my account here because I felt I was spending too much time on this forum in ways that were more a distraction/stagnation and detrimental to some of my everyday life goals, which turned out a great idea - it has really helped me to refocus and I've spent a good chunk of the following 2 years to really resolve most of the practical issues that I kept procrastinating and avoiding, and more than just resolving - I am quite happy with my life now and pretty content. Sorting out issues very directly and actively has indeed made a tremendous difference in many areas of my life, balance, mental health - everything. Of course there are always current and new challenges, but what I am dealing with now is nowhere near as complicated and tangled as all the accumulated stuff I avoided during my years of active alcoholism and also in the earlier phases of sobriety. Am also quite confident that I would not use this forum in the obsessive ways I did years ago, but we'll see... if that happens, I won't hesitate to quit again. I will stop here for now and may post about those specific topics I would like to discuss later.
Good to be in familiar environment with many memories!
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,199
Good to see you Aellyce! I still use SR as it is a guard against complacency and to occasionally pass on my own experiences and what I have learned. That said I agree with the need to avoid obsessive or compulsive participation.
I'm glad things are going well for you.
I'm glad things are going well for you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Aellyce and congrats on your sober time. Recognizing that you were obsessive about using the site and acknowledging that you don't want it to happen again is half the battle. Hope we can help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hi and welcome back.
I still use this forum obsessively.
I need to be reminded of what it's like 'out there'.
And, I come here to try and offer help and hope to the newcomer.
I've been sober ten years now and also had a different user name.
But this site has helped me so much I need to pay it back. I try to do that.
I still use this forum obsessively.
I need to be reminded of what it's like 'out there'.
And, I come here to try and offer help and hope to the newcomer.
I've been sober ten years now and also had a different user name.
But this site has helped me so much I need to pay it back. I try to do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks for the kind words, friends!
So one of the areas I am interested in discussing is how our sources of motivation and priorities have changed in sustained sobriety. The topic of motivation interests me from a few different angles and I have been talking about it with many people, different social groups, environments etc. One thing I know for certain though is that people who experienced addiction tend to have some specific patterns in this area, both by default (e.g. baseline motivational forces that may have also contributed to the development of the addiction) and how we handle our motivational patterns, how they change in recovery, especially in the longer run. I am interested in everything in this context: potential struggles, finding that what provided inspiration to explore and get things done no longer work well in sobriety, and especially discovering new and effective sources. What I am primarily interested in now is not really regarding staying sober and avoiding addictive urges/behaviors (there are thousands of discussions on those here). More how we get (or don't get) our drives in normal life. I will start with a few of my own experiences:
1. In my youth, even before alcohol became a problem, I tended to do everything in bursts, often causing myself a great deal of stress due to taking care of things in last minute and then overwhelming myself with doing too much. This is something that has changed quite dramatically for me in the last 2-3 years. In part because I can no longer handle the same amount of stuff all at once, I guess probably simply as part of normal aging (I'll soon be 45), but even more because that style is just very aversive now. I value my comfort much more and have became much more consistent and balanced with most things, not burning myself out too much. As a consequence, the quality of my experiences and what I do is also usually higher because I do not cut corners much and have time to reconsider things. For me, this has become so natural that now I tend to have problems, for example, working with people who operate in similar bursts that I used to.
2. There were a few interests and activities that very powerfully motivated me when I was younger, even during my drinking to variable degrees, but not so much these days. An example is traveling all the time. I used to do a lot of it both for business and pleasure, also moved around a lot. I never cared too much for security and establishing a great home base. Big change here as well: I still need to travel for work quite a lot and do for fun sometimes but it does not give me the same excitement and energy boost. I also often just spend holidays in my home city, which was very rarely the case in the past. I could list many similar examples for my personal interests that are more theoretical as well.
3. When I was young, and especially during the alcoholic drinking, I was very commitment phobic. No longer the case - larger scale responsibilities are now some of my best motivators. I don't like to be overwhelmed but find that responsibilities inspire me better now than novelty, for example. I used to be a pretty extreme novelty seeker before, which I know is often a trait in people who are prone to addictions.
4. I used to be into all sorts of weirdness and unusual stuff in many areas, e.g. lifestyle, relationships, creative work. Not so much anymore. I still consider myself an individualist probably above average and definitely appreciate unique creative work but not necessarily in terms of always exploring something unknown and odd.
5. I used to be pretty bad with routines - just not interested and tended not to keep routines. Of course, my habit formation was focused on other things... Now I really like reasonably healthy daily routines, taking weekends off if I can, scheduling everything including even sleep and eating, self care activities etc. I was much much more spontaneous in my youth and of course chaotic as a drinker - now it can be challenging if my schedule gets very disrupted. I am still pretty flexible and open but there has been a clear change. I feel this is partly related to not being so excited about new things all the time and partly just effect of healthier routines on my mood and mental balance.
6. I have become much more social than as a young adult and definitely a big difference compared to all the isolation during my heavy drinking in my 30s. I don't recall finding socializing ever as rewarding as I do these days.
7. And one of the best features... I alluded to the obsessiveness in my OP. That has dissipated in many areas of my life greatly and I feel it's such a relief! It's like I've lost a lot of that manic-type drive that never let my mind relax. This is hands down one of my favorite parts of long-term sobriety, aging, or whatever is causing it. I do believe this is something that I had a predisposition for, drinking made it much worse, and it took my brain a while to rewire. How this actually happened, I am not sure, but very pleased with the result.
8. Some things I needed to re-learn and am still learning, for example intense anxiety was often a great (and of course not pleasant) motivational force. I have much less anxiety now and so won't get things done just because I panic.
There is more but I will stop here for now. I feel that my reward system is working quite differently now in many ways and most of them are definitely for the better. I probably should have made a separate post for this with a meaningful title but I believe many will still read it here... Curious to hear your experiences!
So one of the areas I am interested in discussing is how our sources of motivation and priorities have changed in sustained sobriety. The topic of motivation interests me from a few different angles and I have been talking about it with many people, different social groups, environments etc. One thing I know for certain though is that people who experienced addiction tend to have some specific patterns in this area, both by default (e.g. baseline motivational forces that may have also contributed to the development of the addiction) and how we handle our motivational patterns, how they change in recovery, especially in the longer run. I am interested in everything in this context: potential struggles, finding that what provided inspiration to explore and get things done no longer work well in sobriety, and especially discovering new and effective sources. What I am primarily interested in now is not really regarding staying sober and avoiding addictive urges/behaviors (there are thousands of discussions on those here). More how we get (or don't get) our drives in normal life. I will start with a few of my own experiences:
1. In my youth, even before alcohol became a problem, I tended to do everything in bursts, often causing myself a great deal of stress due to taking care of things in last minute and then overwhelming myself with doing too much. This is something that has changed quite dramatically for me in the last 2-3 years. In part because I can no longer handle the same amount of stuff all at once, I guess probably simply as part of normal aging (I'll soon be 45), but even more because that style is just very aversive now. I value my comfort much more and have became much more consistent and balanced with most things, not burning myself out too much. As a consequence, the quality of my experiences and what I do is also usually higher because I do not cut corners much and have time to reconsider things. For me, this has become so natural that now I tend to have problems, for example, working with people who operate in similar bursts that I used to.
2. There were a few interests and activities that very powerfully motivated me when I was younger, even during my drinking to variable degrees, but not so much these days. An example is traveling all the time. I used to do a lot of it both for business and pleasure, also moved around a lot. I never cared too much for security and establishing a great home base. Big change here as well: I still need to travel for work quite a lot and do for fun sometimes but it does not give me the same excitement and energy boost. I also often just spend holidays in my home city, which was very rarely the case in the past. I could list many similar examples for my personal interests that are more theoretical as well.
3. When I was young, and especially during the alcoholic drinking, I was very commitment phobic. No longer the case - larger scale responsibilities are now some of my best motivators. I don't like to be overwhelmed but find that responsibilities inspire me better now than novelty, for example. I used to be a pretty extreme novelty seeker before, which I know is often a trait in people who are prone to addictions.
4. I used to be into all sorts of weirdness and unusual stuff in many areas, e.g. lifestyle, relationships, creative work. Not so much anymore. I still consider myself an individualist probably above average and definitely appreciate unique creative work but not necessarily in terms of always exploring something unknown and odd.
5. I used to be pretty bad with routines - just not interested and tended not to keep routines. Of course, my habit formation was focused on other things... Now I really like reasonably healthy daily routines, taking weekends off if I can, scheduling everything including even sleep and eating, self care activities etc. I was much much more spontaneous in my youth and of course chaotic as a drinker - now it can be challenging if my schedule gets very disrupted. I am still pretty flexible and open but there has been a clear change. I feel this is partly related to not being so excited about new things all the time and partly just effect of healthier routines on my mood and mental balance.
6. I have become much more social than as a young adult and definitely a big difference compared to all the isolation during my heavy drinking in my 30s. I don't recall finding socializing ever as rewarding as I do these days.
7. And one of the best features... I alluded to the obsessiveness in my OP. That has dissipated in many areas of my life greatly and I feel it's such a relief! It's like I've lost a lot of that manic-type drive that never let my mind relax. This is hands down one of my favorite parts of long-term sobriety, aging, or whatever is causing it. I do believe this is something that I had a predisposition for, drinking made it much worse, and it took my brain a while to rewire. How this actually happened, I am not sure, but very pleased with the result.
8. Some things I needed to re-learn and am still learning, for example intense anxiety was often a great (and of course not pleasant) motivational force. I have much less anxiety now and so won't get things done just because I panic.
There is more but I will stop here for now. I feel that my reward system is working quite differently now in many ways and most of them are definitely for the better. I probably should have made a separate post for this with a meaningful title but I believe many will still read it here... Curious to hear your experiences!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
A good share Aellyce.. My motivation, now- is not in seeking a final outcome, more the journey involved. In my case- art. My drinking radically altered my lifestyle and perspective on what I do. From a middle class life- to living alone, in a unit and pursuing serious study to becoming an artist- as a commitment of recovery, learning new skills and finding out more about myself.
I see my home, now- as a sanctuary- where routine, a semblance of balance and order plus productive progress with learning new stuff as being important. In some ways the art is only a vehicle for discovering more about myself- it gives me purpose, the means of changing me.
I sought for many years to invent a role for myself with career, study, family, building the perfect home etcetc. That has all been swept away and I now feel I did not really understand who I was- or why. I externalized everything and sought happiness as an end goal. When this was not forthcoming- I drank, progressively more, until it became (for a while) fatal.
Not so now. I am trying (albeit very slowly and with difficulty) now to work on ME...not all of the external things I once thought defined me. Many years ago- after just receiving tenure in an academic role, finishing said dream home and getting into a doctorate program - I felt as if it was all a lie- how could I have all this, yet still feel like human refuse?? Answer? Drink to oblivion.
I have a lot of mental health and emotional baggage whose origins are deeply implanted in my past- and to more fully understand 'me'- use art, again as a means of expression and interpreting, healing and growing. Tending towards a holistic and mindful existence, where happiness is seen as an experience not to be sought in itself, but a quality of life which manifests itself when appropriate- not manufactured.
Being productive, doing the right thing, peace of mind, doing everything- from learning a new difficult skills, tackling my blanched past or emptying the rubbish- with care, intent and to the best of my ability.
I see my home, now- as a sanctuary- where routine, a semblance of balance and order plus productive progress with learning new stuff as being important. In some ways the art is only a vehicle for discovering more about myself- it gives me purpose, the means of changing me.
I sought for many years to invent a role for myself with career, study, family, building the perfect home etcetc. That has all been swept away and I now feel I did not really understand who I was- or why. I externalized everything and sought happiness as an end goal. When this was not forthcoming- I drank, progressively more, until it became (for a while) fatal.
Not so now. I am trying (albeit very slowly and with difficulty) now to work on ME...not all of the external things I once thought defined me. Many years ago- after just receiving tenure in an academic role, finishing said dream home and getting into a doctorate program - I felt as if it was all a lie- how could I have all this, yet still feel like human refuse?? Answer? Drink to oblivion.
I have a lot of mental health and emotional baggage whose origins are deeply implanted in my past- and to more fully understand 'me'- use art, again as a means of expression and interpreting, healing and growing. Tending towards a holistic and mindful existence, where happiness is seen as an experience not to be sought in itself, but a quality of life which manifests itself when appropriate- not manufactured.
Being productive, doing the right thing, peace of mind, doing everything- from learning a new difficult skills, tackling my blanched past or emptying the rubbish- with care, intent and to the best of my ability.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Phoenix, thank you for sharing that. You express yourself beautifully - I have also just read two of your more recent posts, the one about the story of your destruction and the 3-year recovery one. I did not see those before. Like many other people on those threads said, your story and attitude are extremely inspiring and, I think, you have a talent not only for visual art but also for writing.
The progression from pursuing external "rewards" towards a lot of introspection, exploring the self and pouring that into creative work of course makes the most sense for someone with this kind of journey. Mine has been a bit in the opposite direction - I was always very introspective and interested in understanding myself and where everything comes from, as far as I remember. Even too theoretical, especially for a young person. For me, that is what eventually turned into a lot of isolation and self-absorbtion, denial of most of my worldly needs, and living in a fantasy world in my 30s when I was drinking heavily. Introspection is probably the most familiar, life-long activity for me. What I find more rewarding now is being much more connected to the external reality (on many levels) and pursuing needs, values and productivity that links me to other elements of life, including other people - so the internal and external worlds are not even two worlds really.
I am still very into self explorations but do not spend the pathological and manic amounts of it that I used to. This is what gives me greater peace and satisfaction now but it is the balance that feel most keenly between the internal and external and find very rewarding. I am sure different people have many versions of this, depending on our individual backgrounds and process.
Also interesting about being more driven by the journey than the outcome - I find that I have become more goal-oriented in recent years and I benefit from it greatly. Before it was often all about starting new things, exploring the unknown - the excitement of learning and experiencing. Now I often feel more motivated by having an outcome in mind and working towards those goals and not expediting much energy on stuff that are distractions. Of course not in every area, it is not the case so much with hobbies or personal relationships, for example. But I have become significantly more practical and pragmatic in pursuing what I want, I think in part because the goals are not immediate gratification/ feeling good, merely knowing, or empty spiritual seeking, but much more complex and often down to earth as well. I habitually denied and neglected my practical needs in my youth and even much more when I was drinking. Just wanted to go down the rabbit hole most of the time and alter it further with alcohol, drugs and extreme experiences. The world was also much more a mental map for me than the real one.
The progression from pursuing external "rewards" towards a lot of introspection, exploring the self and pouring that into creative work of course makes the most sense for someone with this kind of journey. Mine has been a bit in the opposite direction - I was always very introspective and interested in understanding myself and where everything comes from, as far as I remember. Even too theoretical, especially for a young person. For me, that is what eventually turned into a lot of isolation and self-absorbtion, denial of most of my worldly needs, and living in a fantasy world in my 30s when I was drinking heavily. Introspection is probably the most familiar, life-long activity for me. What I find more rewarding now is being much more connected to the external reality (on many levels) and pursuing needs, values and productivity that links me to other elements of life, including other people - so the internal and external worlds are not even two worlds really.
I am still very into self explorations but do not spend the pathological and manic amounts of it that I used to. This is what gives me greater peace and satisfaction now but it is the balance that feel most keenly between the internal and external and find very rewarding. I am sure different people have many versions of this, depending on our individual backgrounds and process.
Also interesting about being more driven by the journey than the outcome - I find that I have become more goal-oriented in recent years and I benefit from it greatly. Before it was often all about starting new things, exploring the unknown - the excitement of learning and experiencing. Now I often feel more motivated by having an outcome in mind and working towards those goals and not expediting much energy on stuff that are distractions. Of course not in every area, it is not the case so much with hobbies or personal relationships, for example. But I have become significantly more practical and pragmatic in pursuing what I want, I think in part because the goals are not immediate gratification/ feeling good, merely knowing, or empty spiritual seeking, but much more complex and often down to earth as well. I habitually denied and neglected my practical needs in my youth and even much more when I was drinking. Just wanted to go down the rabbit hole most of the time and alter it further with alcohol, drugs and extreme experiences. The world was also much more a mental map for me than the real one.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,038
Interesting thread, as ever, Aellyce.
My fav theory of motivation is the Expectancy-Value theory (Wigfield & Eccles), because it's so simple even I can understand it, and you can riff off the pieces endlessly.
When I was young, I wanted to "be" something. I valued the role, I thought I could fit it. But I didn't value so much the work intrinsic to the role, and when I tried to perform the work, I wasn't very good. Then I had lousy self-reflection, got myself all tangled up in praise and blame, generally created a dysfunctional feedback loop with the work, and my expectancy plummeted while my value stayed high -- in fact, got kind of sanctified.
Not that unusual, except that I turned into a drunk and perpetuated the problem for 35 years. Young people often act on poor information -- they have big "me-goals" that they don't know how to chunk into attainment, and choose easy pleasure-payoffs when frustrated on the big end. Or, like PJ, they achieve those me-goals only to discover that they no longer value them.
Aellyce, it sounds like your goals have changed with self-knowledge -- you've adjusted them in light of all your past experiences, and formed a mature set of goals that (mostly) meet your values and capacity. Rather than seeking to explore everything, you recognize (probably) a lot of garbage and filter it out. Filtering is good. I've had a terrible time reading since I got sober. Part of it is that I read the first few sentences of a book: "She remembered the day Wolf had grabbed her and choked her. She'd been wearing the red dress...." Jesus. Value = 0.
Growing motivation as an adult? PJ, you had a horrible, life-changing catharsis. I can't imagine rebuilding after that, but you've clearly used it as an opportunity to be selective about your goals in this new life and purposeful about how you regulate your attainments (which are awesome, btw)
Me, I'm working on it. I've become reasonably good at selecting motivating goals. My problem is, still, a disconnect between value and expectation. I don't particularly value what I expect I can do well, and don't think I can do what I value. The former I've tried to change-- I have more control than I used to over the tasks I choose to do, so I try to choose better things. The latter -- still fearful of the bad self-feedback and all it entails.
My fav theory of motivation is the Expectancy-Value theory (Wigfield & Eccles), because it's so simple even I can understand it, and you can riff off the pieces endlessly.
When I was young, I wanted to "be" something. I valued the role, I thought I could fit it. But I didn't value so much the work intrinsic to the role, and when I tried to perform the work, I wasn't very good. Then I had lousy self-reflection, got myself all tangled up in praise and blame, generally created a dysfunctional feedback loop with the work, and my expectancy plummeted while my value stayed high -- in fact, got kind of sanctified.
Not that unusual, except that I turned into a drunk and perpetuated the problem for 35 years. Young people often act on poor information -- they have big "me-goals" that they don't know how to chunk into attainment, and choose easy pleasure-payoffs when frustrated on the big end. Or, like PJ, they achieve those me-goals only to discover that they no longer value them.
Aellyce, it sounds like your goals have changed with self-knowledge -- you've adjusted them in light of all your past experiences, and formed a mature set of goals that (mostly) meet your values and capacity. Rather than seeking to explore everything, you recognize (probably) a lot of garbage and filter it out. Filtering is good. I've had a terrible time reading since I got sober. Part of it is that I read the first few sentences of a book: "She remembered the day Wolf had grabbed her and choked her. She'd been wearing the red dress...." Jesus. Value = 0.
Growing motivation as an adult? PJ, you had a horrible, life-changing catharsis. I can't imagine rebuilding after that, but you've clearly used it as an opportunity to be selective about your goals in this new life and purposeful about how you regulate your attainments (which are awesome, btw
) Me, I'm working on it. I've become reasonably good at selecting motivating goals. My problem is, still, a disconnect between value and expectation. I don't particularly value what I expect I can do well, and don't think I can do what I value. The former I've tried to change-- I have more control than I used to over the tasks I choose to do, so I try to choose better things. The latter -- still fearful of the bad self-feedback and all it entails.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Thanks, courage! I definitely think that very often (maybe most often?) problems around motivation arise because the task/goal is not consistent with the values of the person dealing with it (thus the perceived value of the task) and whatever expectations. This is where self knowledge is so important - so many people are not very familiar with their own value system even at middle age or older. Of course a long-term addiction can seriously distort all that, and other life experiences as well, e.g. not even developing it much because there weren't good models for it in early life, poverty, bad relationships etc.
I think I wrote about this here in my "former life": if I had to name one thing that eventually really helped me to take my alcoholism and its consequences seriously and start to work on my sobriety, it was a huge and very painful cognitive dissonance. Big discrepancy between my values and what I was doing in my life, how I was dealing with things, as a drunk. It became unbearable in the end and I felt I could no longer live with that dissonance. I could not "resolve" it by giving up and no longer caring because that, again, would be very inconsistent with who I am as a person, so there was only one option left. This is the same feature that makes me value responsibilities (and personal responsibility) now so much, why I can use it as a powerful drive. It is not something that just developed anew when I got sober but I definitely gradually became more and more aware of my strong sense of responsibility in sobriety, starting with how it was a primary factor that motivated me to overcome the addiction. It was always there, long before I even started drinking, but I equally liked just getting loose and doing whatever. I think in a way I even liked drinking because it kinda dulled the conscience and gave room to other, more destructive desires and behaviors to dominate that were just as strong and definitely became stronger with the progression of my addiction.
I did work on clarifying my values a lot in sobriety. And yes, I used the conclusions to adjust my goals, both in a conscious, planned manner and just making intuitive choices based on what felt right and aligned. This latter is what we cannot do well as drunks, obviously those "intuitions" and feelings are severely distorted. But the sober goal set feels so much more like "me" and easier to achieve or at least work for! I definitely do think a big part of it is also aging and life experience, which should lead to shifts in values (in a good case, if not, that is a problem I think).
What I bolded - I am not sure I've met a single person who does not struggle with this periodically unless they have a very distorted and grandiose sense of self (which is also most often compensation for insecurity). In my experience, it is often due to either unrealistic expectations or low self-confidence/self-esteem? I have both sometimes. For the unrealistic expectations, it usually helps me a lot to get external reality checks - feedback from others. Only one reason why it is so helpful to be connected to the world and other people. For the self-confidence issue, the deliberate emotional detachment ability that I generally have can help -ignore the anxiety and get into the task. Usually motivation comes sooner or later if it is a personally rewarding, suitable goal.
Going back to practical things - one thing I have been working on a lot in the past ~3 years is developing a private business. It is a combination of challenging and very rewarding (I can definitely use a pragmatic approach) but also anxiety-provoking and risky. I still have my full time academic job in parallel and the two complement quite well. But I also have a constant dilemma: do I want to eventually become 100% self-employed and quit my job? It's a tough one, especially because both are quite successful now and both also carry high value for me. I am not fully certain why I even have the dilemma when I can do both, other than the periods of boredom with the well-known tasks and expectations of the old job and laziness. I've set it as a goal for myself to figure this out in this year. What's very interesting is that I've met so many people that clearly are similar to me in personal values (and personality), abilities etc - they tend to get to exactly where I am now and around the same age or somewhat younger. Academia and some kind of private business. I think this has nothing to do with experiencing addiction, except that perhaps I did not get into mine younger because I was drowning it in booze. I see a variety in the older people in that some keep both professional lines and some eventually do become 100% self-employed.
I think I wrote about this here in my "former life": if I had to name one thing that eventually really helped me to take my alcoholism and its consequences seriously and start to work on my sobriety, it was a huge and very painful cognitive dissonance. Big discrepancy between my values and what I was doing in my life, how I was dealing with things, as a drunk. It became unbearable in the end and I felt I could no longer live with that dissonance. I could not "resolve" it by giving up and no longer caring because that, again, would be very inconsistent with who I am as a person, so there was only one option left. This is the same feature that makes me value responsibilities (and personal responsibility) now so much, why I can use it as a powerful drive. It is not something that just developed anew when I got sober but I definitely gradually became more and more aware of my strong sense of responsibility in sobriety, starting with how it was a primary factor that motivated me to overcome the addiction. It was always there, long before I even started drinking, but I equally liked just getting loose and doing whatever. I think in a way I even liked drinking because it kinda dulled the conscience and gave room to other, more destructive desires and behaviors to dominate that were just as strong and definitely became stronger with the progression of my addiction.
I did work on clarifying my values a lot in sobriety. And yes, I used the conclusions to adjust my goals, both in a conscious, planned manner and just making intuitive choices based on what felt right and aligned. This latter is what we cannot do well as drunks, obviously those "intuitions" and feelings are severely distorted. But the sober goal set feels so much more like "me" and easier to achieve or at least work for! I definitely do think a big part of it is also aging and life experience, which should lead to shifts in values (in a good case, if not, that is a problem I think).
Originally Posted by courage2 
Me, I'm working on it. I've become reasonably good at selecting motivating goals. My problem is, still, a disconnect between value and expectation. I don't particularly value what I expect I can do well, and don't think I can do what I value. The former I've tried to change-- I have more control than I used to over the tasks I choose to do, so I try to choose better things. The latter -- still fearful of the bad self-feedback and all it entails.
Going back to practical things - one thing I have been working on a lot in the past ~3 years is developing a private business. It is a combination of challenging and very rewarding (I can definitely use a pragmatic approach) but also anxiety-provoking and risky. I still have my full time academic job in parallel and the two complement quite well. But I also have a constant dilemma: do I want to eventually become 100% self-employed and quit my job? It's a tough one, especially because both are quite successful now and both also carry high value for me. I am not fully certain why I even have the dilemma when I can do both, other than the periods of boredom with the well-known tasks and expectations of the old job and laziness. I've set it as a goal for myself to figure this out in this year. What's very interesting is that I've met so many people that clearly are similar to me in personal values (and personality), abilities etc - they tend to get to exactly where I am now and around the same age or somewhat younger. Academia and some kind of private business. I think this has nothing to do with experiencing addiction, except that perhaps I did not get into mine younger because I was drowning it in booze. I see a variety in the older people in that some keep both professional lines and some eventually do become 100% self-employed.
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