Briansy

Hello all. I'm just off the back of a two day all day binge including cocaine use last night. This is on top of a week long drinking during a trip to the States and a general cycle of not being able to go more than a fortnight without drinking for the last 6 months. I'm overweight, exhausted and feeling very low generally and in particular about the fact that I've been lying to my parents and brother that I am still stopped drinking.

It has now been coming up to 2 years since discovering I was physically dependant and that was the point at which I realised that this couldn't continue. Last summer I made a concerted effort to quit for good and with the assistance of AA, I got about 5 weeks under my belt. I thought I had it beaten and felt and looked great - but I caved and so the cycle of quitting and relapsing began again. I got frustrated with AA as although it seemed wonderful to begin with, after a while I felt it was re-enforcing the obsession rather than working to remove it. Regardless, it wasn't for me so I need to figure out how to tackle this properly now - using a new strategy that is different to how I've been trying to handle things this year - basically winging it and hoping I'd stay quit.

I have read the book on AVRT but that just felt too simplistic to me and it didn't work. I know it works great for some. Maybe you just need to be at the end of your tether before anything _really_ works. i don't know. I'm going to look into therapy for addiction and anxiety and start checking back in here again.

Just wanted to post this to get some support and maybe some advice. I know for sure I have been lying to myself about how much effort I have really put into quitting - and again slipping in and out of the mindset that I can somehow manage things. I really can't. Thanks all.

biminiblue

Powerless. Unmanageable.

Yep.

I'm sorry you're still running that same tired experiment.

At some point you will run out of time.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ent-state.html (Crossing the line from hangovers to withdrawals - a permanent state?)

Purina

I think you should go back to the AA meetings if that worked for you before. Go to the meetings for at least 30 days in a row and this should help you to get some clean time under your belt.

Find a way to put at least 7 days together. Read Easy way to stop drinking by Carr or This naked mind by Grace.

You have to change your mindset about drinking and view it as a toxic poison rather than as a pleasure. You know the drill: Suffer thru those first 30 days and it gets much easier after that and then after 6 months you will barely think about drinking.

D122y

i tell myself this same thing every time I crave (last night)....

I have brain damage from drinking. My brain wants booze to give it that buzz. The take me away feeling. Doesn't matter what the situation is, booze was there to add or take away from the issue.

It has taken this long to normalize to this state, but the crave manifests or morphs.

I must always remember I will crave for the rest of my life. If I drink again, I will continue to harm my brain. There are parts of my brain that are dead forever from drinking.

Over this amount of time I have had to re learn to live with what is left.

I am a different person now. At work, folks expect me to get mad over issues because in the past I would get very angry. That always led to nothing good. I may never, and can't expect, to regain any respect now. I made my bed.

Folks are waiting for me to relapse or whatever.

Of course I get a bit frustrated, but now I work to articulate as clearly as possible my position and then I accept the outcome.

I have learned to understand that I need to see situations from other's eyes. Even if I think it is utterly wrong, I offer my best concern and move on. I accept it (as long as it is not financially damaging etc).

It took me about a month to physically heal from the booze. Then the mental anguish shown through. Thoughts like...I have been good for 6 months etc...were the crave in disguise. Denying the relapse hurt on a new level.

This still goes on today.

But i know what is in store. A little or a lot of drunkeness, followed by hangover, and the brain damage (e.g. anxiety, obsession etc). Plus all the physical issues I get.

Played bingo last night. The wife drank 2 white russians. She tried to act like it didn't do anything. Who is she trying to kid. A drunk knows a drunk. Hopefully, she doesn't get into heavier addiction. I have told her over and over, but we here all know that the drunk has to want to quit...otherwise nothing can stop them.

Thanks.

Briansy

Thank you very much for this. Yes, I think you're right. I need the support of other alcoholics is the reality. And reading those books is at least keeping focused on the goal as opposed to just winging it. There was a time where I put a larfle amount of work into it last August before it fell apart - I just need to understand that just because I get a month or 3 or 6 under my belt doesn't mean I'll be in the clear. Challenges and frustrations will present themselves

tomsteve

did ya start working the steps last time or just go to meetings?

TheEnd

I think at this point you need to do some serious soul searching and figure out why these programs that have worked for many, many people; simply don't work for you. The thing about programs is they don't work for you unless you actually work them. Can you be honestly say you have worked these programs to the best of your ability? I was at an AA meeting today and I'm not an AA guru or think it's the best program in the whole world, but it does work. There was a speaker there with 37 yrs of sobriety, he spoke about shooting meth, being a homeless alcoholic on the street and in and out of jail and prison for like 12 yrs. And the sincerity in his voice about how wonderful this program was for him was astounding. So I would really think about that one, really think about it. But if you come back and say you have worked the program the way it was supposed to be worked and it still didn't work, then find one that better suits your needs. But obviously you figured out, whatever you have been doing, simply isn't working. Good Luck!

BullDog777

I was the guy who had tried everything I could think of and after 25 years of being on the revolving door of sobriety, I was convinced I was gonna die drunk.

I felt like nothing worked for me.

All of the self help and personal improvement books and groups and seminars and 12 step programs I had tried always ended up with me being the one who failed. Was I terminally unique? No....it was me. All of it, in the end was me.

I just wasn't done.

I think I had to reach the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk. That I wanted to be happy more than I wanted to self destruct. That I wanted to know myself more than I wanted to drink myself away.

When that day came, I was done.

The way I recovered, was knowing that I had to put all my effort into getting well. An if I was still feeling bad, to bang down enough doors and scream until someone heard me. That's what I did.

I got therapy. This time, I listened, instead of trying to justify my past transgressions into understanding. I worked on me instead of pointing fingers. I am in charge of me. I have to be my best advocate, and that's what I became.

There are no vacation days from that. It's a Monday through Sunday 24/7 job that demands only one thing. That I do not use and I do not drink.

For me, I had to accept that struggle and sometimes pain was a part of the recipe for me getting better. That all of these raw emotions that I was feeling was as much a part of the healing process as the medical detox was and healing takes a long time.

We get recovery is pieces over time. Sassy said it best when she said that " the healing process is so long, and the healing comes in tiny increments, so small it is not noticeable until a big chunk of time has passed. Each day is one small thread in the quilt, so a few days in, you only have a scrap: a year later, you have something so much bigger than that."

An we will continue to build that for years to come as long as we do not give up.
You have to stop quitting on yourself and give yourself a chance to heal.

The rest will eventually fall into place. Welcome back, I'm glad you're here.

August252015

How are feeling this morning, Briansy? I know you and I had some good back and forth a bit ago .... happy to revisit it and you know I'd suggest getting yourself to a meeting. For one thing, to occupy time these first few days. And that question about whether you got a sponsor or just went to meetings...ie how did you truly conclude it wasn't for you?

Also...self care is really important as you detox....hydrate, nap, all that.

SO glad you returned to post and share. You can make this your last start.

Hawkeye13

Hey Brainsy;

Hope you are well--please check in soon. I've relapsed plenty of times myself so no judgement here, just support.

Briansy

Hi everyone - sorry for taking so long to come back. I actually got stuck into the this naked mind audio book as it had actually been a recommendation from a cousin who also gave up lately and when Purina suggested it I thought: good, something which is a slightly fresh approach to what I tried recently to stay focused on the task. It turns out Annie Grace also has a podcast and something of a community of folk who have bought into her approach / mindset etc, so there is a lot of material to go at - including the fairly extensive list of reading which provided the source material for the book. It is not dissimilar to the AVRT theory, actually, in its focus on the subconscious v conscious parts of the brain, but I just find it to be a bit more positive and there is much less of the AA bashing or political agenda going on. I am kinda pouring over the detail with a friend who lost her sister to alcohol last year and my cousin so have some support in that regard. Day 4 and feeling a hell of a lot better than I did on Sunday.

August: thanks for replying. Same ol', same ol' - I appreciate you lending some support again. I was working the steps with my sponsor and was getting on to step 4 and I had taken on a couple of commitments and I just felt it was all very full on and there were aspects of the philosophy that I could not buy into such as the disease aspect and the "daily reprieve subject to correctly working the programme". I also found that many of the meetings made me feel worse and wanting to drink more. I gave it a pretty good go for a good 5 months or so and in that time I attended a LOT of meetings - enough to know it wasn't for me. I had resolved to go to a meeting just for the support on Monday but having gone through 4 or 5 chapters of that book, I felt that it was in some ways a conflicting view - plus, the truth is i was kinda dreading going to that meeting and am glad I didn't go. Absolutely each to their own though and I know you won't see this as me being "anti" anything. Just trying to figure out what works for me.

So I'm going to finish off this naked mind, her podcast episodes and move on to Alan Carr and the various other source materials referenced therein - just so I am working daily on staying focused on the goal of sobriety and broadening my understanding of the bigger topic. It's hard to look on the site too much as am cracking on with work during the day and spending as much out of hours time on this other stuff but just wanted to check in.

Would be interested to hear of others who have read this book and got some value from it. Part of me is also hoping that I'm in Bulldog's state of simply being "done". The last year has been a roller coaster. Not as bad as the year before as at least there has been constant efforts at sobriety and extended periods of sobriety and being in situations where I would normally drink and didn't - like spending last Christmas at home with my folks for a fortnight and going on a golf trip to Spain with my cousins etc. So there is some progress being made I suppose. But, really, I want this roller coaster to end right now as there is no moving forward until that happens.

August252015

The roller coaster only ends when we get off it.

biminiblue

I'm really glad you're making the effort, Briansy. Love Annie Grace.

Just don't drink today.

I didn't jibe with AA, either. I think we all have to find what works, but not stop. Good for you.

Briansy

Yeah I think anything that keeps my mind focused on the goal. There are worse things than listening to self-help books whilst walking around London in the summer - actually kinda fun! I guess remembering what Sassy said in another thread and what BullDog referenced above - get to those milestones and know that you're not out of the woods until eventually you kinda know that you're much better prepared to deal with X challenge than you were at the start or after 4 months or 6 months or whatever - and that you just have a different mindset that isn't all about obsessing over alcohol. Would like to know what that feeling is like.

Need2Know

Hey, if you can take a fortnight off, that is great. So what if you relapse. Just keep trying. The more time you take off from drinking the more of that you will want. Two weeks is a lot for someone that has a, drink all day, habit. You should be proud of just doing that fortnight.

I didn't find AA helpful at all. I found AVRT helpful until my first relapse and then the part about "And I will never drink again" just seemed like a lie to myself. I'd already said that, it worked for a while and then didn't.

So whatever, I just didn't give up.

Have you tried counseling? I found an experienced addiction counselor to be helpful. Also prescription meds, like Antabuse and Naltrexone were helpful to me.

Even if all you can do is put a few sober days together here and there, that is a victory. Keep building on that.

Briansy

No, a fortnight isn't enough. I put together fortnights frequently and then start the cycle again. This time has to be for good. Totally get what you mean by "never drinking again" with AVRT. But am clearly getting that it's very much " whatever works". And maybe that's not even possible to identify if you're in the end of your tether phase like Bulldog eventually eas. Cos maybe anything would have worked in those circumstances. That's the thing. The good thing is that reading and pondering is easy to do.

I am starting to wonder if the line between seemingly OK health and gravely poor health is potentially finer than I had previously thought. The physical hasn't been a consideration as much in the past but that may have been a mistake.

August252015

Just, no. No. This is the potentially fatal thinking of every alcoholic - that we always get another chance. "So what if you relapse" is just not something I can have in MY vocabulary - or listen to anyone else say, honestly, without comment.

Relapse is a part of addiction, and it CAN be a part of recovery- but it doesn't have to be. Moreso, it doesn't give us all the rope we want to get sober bit by bit because "it's not as bad as [then/what/how I was/etc]."

Briansy, whatever you think of AA or Annie Grace or any other resources, which are great for me to have added to my AA program - the bottom line is to stop drinking. One thing about AA is the suggestion to "take what you want and leave the rest" -so, for example, you don't have to worry about a disease model or even spiritual malady right now. Step one, two, on and on - and truly doing them- will get you to the things you mention that you want. We do steps 4 and 5...then it's not til 9 when we actually make amends for the things we did and found and owned in 4 and 5.

But being sober more than you want to drink, every.single.day. has to be the premise if you are going to recover.

ScottFromWI

IMHO it really doesn't matter. What's done is done and you know that the solution is to quit drinking completely. Focus on that and not about what might have happened in the past.

Briansy

Defo doesn't matter and this really hasn't been at the forefront of my mind - more of an aside really. To be honest I'm just trying to get from one day to the next.

dsmaxis10

Do you think your an aloholic or just physically dependent ?