August252015

One of the most valuable things I learned from AA is "it's not about me." That not being so self-centered opened my eyes to the fact that the World Is Not About August. Or meant to slight me, or mock me, or exclude me or.....

Flipping things from stuff like "how could he say that to me?" or "what makes them think it's ok to do x to me?" or....to stuff like "what did I say that might have been part of the misunderstanding?" and so on is really essential to my peace of mind and better relationships with others. Definitely took some practice and DUH! moments after the fact when a "thing" was cleared up or such.

Briansy

Well after a few good but quite anxious days, God decided to throw me a really good one today. Great night's sleep last night, half day in work, beautiful weather, did a 10 mile walk home, cleaned my apartment, watched Cori Gauff have an amazing match in tennis and now getting ready for bed at 9.30. Up at 6AM tomorrow for golf. Stress free all the way today, feel very relaxed - Maybe if I persevere there will be more of these?!

August252015

Appreciate the good ones! I have found that making mental note of the stellar days gives me a sense of humor about their polar opposites

Hawkeye13

How's things Brainsy? I hope you've had some more good sober days

Briansy

Hi Hawkeye, Saturday was the polar opposite of Friday. I got sunstroke and spent a good few hours with a splitting head and vommiting! Also, an unpleasant incident happened at my golf club. Not something worth worrying about long term but the types of things where the reflex response is: DRINK! I think seeing that reflex, acknowledging it and letting it fade is a useful practice. Although it has to be said that I didn't feel that reflex in the form of a strong craving - just more of an instinctive learned response that was easy to identify and just put in a box to the side. The last couple of days were kinda ho-hum. I've now read Annie Grace's book twice and Allen Carr's book once and it's safe to say I need a break from it all - just a few days, then I'll get back on another book next week. But I certainly feel I am putting into practice the principles laid out in those books (the message is essentially the same in both). I see how the practice of coming up against difficulties and not resorting to drinking to deal with them will become an engrained one and why people talk about it becoming easier. I have yet to experience a genuinely difficult craving though - let's see what happens then! Pretty good going though given it's day 17. But I've been here before - roughly this time last year where I powered to 30 days or so and then the cravings hit. But I was using a different mindset then and so we'll see how well my current set of tools will serve me.

I have a wedding this weekend. I have to say: with or without booze, I hate weddings. Long periods of time hanging around, waiting - the forced, orchestrated nature of it (bride stressed out of her brain, groom stressed about having to give a speech, best man stressed etc etc) - being around large crowds of people, many of whom I don't know etc etc. It's just not a quality experience and I feel you're constantly compromising on what you'd actually like to be doing. I love smaller groups and doing things one on one as that compromise isn't there as everyone is on exactly the same page. The other really obvious thing is that they go for SO long and the only reason for this is the booze - no question in my mind. Especially in Ireland - like everything that happens after 9PM (bearing in mind the church is 1.30PM and the dinner is around 5ish) is totally about ramping up the buzz caused by the booze. This time last year I was a groomsman at a wedding where I drank (and behaved) and I was up til 4AM. The next day was a write off and I recall having hair of the dog with my mother at home (I'm based in London, the wedding was on in Ireland not far from my parents house). She was shocked that I put back nearly 3 bottles of wine and was speaking completely clearly. The next day I was like: this has to stop! And that's when I really started in earnest to work on this thing. These past 17 days have felt different but time will tell!

I have this wedding and a wedding in September and that will be pretty much all of my home friends and Uni friends now married - I'm 40. I am looking forward very much to getting past those two and making excuses for any future wedding invites where a very close friend is not involved!!!!! That's not running from life, but more setting boundaries on stuff and not agreeing to do things that stress me out or make me unhappy. I'm typing this all out so anyone can chime in and tell me if I have the wrong attitude to stuff like this. But I think at 40 I know myself well enough that I am in a pretty good spot to decide what is and isn't going to make me happy and steer clear of things that don't. You hear it in AA parlance all the time: "people pleasing" - another extension of the idea of setting boundaries with people. Probably something most of us aren't very good at doing!

Anyway, that's my current thinking. In other news, I was pleased to look in the mirror this morning and see my skin was clearing a bit and I had lost a little bit of flab. Head is getting clearer day by day although I haven't been sleeping great. I imagine that will improve a lot in the coming weeks as the brain gets back to a state of equilibrium. I am motivated by threads I am reading here that talk about how better things get. I will never be able to test that if my resolve does not stay strong in this first month, 3 months, 6 months. Not that I want to make my life all about getting through this stuff - but vigilance is clearly advisable right now - I hope to maintain it.

Dee74

If you don't feel like the wedding will be a good thing for your recovery - consider not going.

If on the other hand you decide to go - make a plan Briansy - leaving it to fate and 'time will tell' is kinda like abrogating your responsibility?

D

dsmaxis10

Congrats on 17 days

Briansy

What does a plan for a wedding look like?

dpac414

dpac414

Briansy

Interestingly, I didn't go to the joint stag do (bachelor party) of the groom at this wedding and the groom at the wedding in September as it was just going to be a massive **** up - and they (two guys in their late 30s early 40s) decided the best plan was to go to a music festival - I later learned that they were 15-20 years north of the average age - surprise surprise. What's interesting about it is I chose not to go to it explaining to everyone that it's just too much booze in your face and not for me at this stage - but instead proceeded to give into cravings and get smashed on my own in my apartment in London. Ridiculous. All of my good friends in Ireland know (or think) that I'm "off the drink". What they don't know is when I'm not "off it" - that's because in recent times that activity was carried out alone in my apartment - perversely, being in the company of all of my friends who know what the situation is makes it far easier for me to remain abstinent - the same is true when I go home for long weekends (and at Christmas it is 2 weeks) to visit my family - they know I am off it and boozing there is not an option. I can tell you now that I know for a fact I won't drink at that wedding. My current "plan" is to tell people I've given it up if and, if pressed (which many polite people wouldn't do anyway) make some joke about being really into "wellness" these days. Most of them will know it became a problem as I was fairly upfront about it.

Everyone is different, but I honestly don't feel it's the right mindset for me to feel like I am in hiding or defective or whatever that I let my drinking get out of control - alcohol is a highly addictive toxin and I let it get out of control but that's over now - onwards and upwards. As that defective feeling really does reinforce the feeling of deprivation, which will just bring those cravings right to the fore. My apprehension is mainly around the fact that (a) I'm going to be bored in such an alcohol heavy setting and (b) it may annoy or depress / discourage me if people are patronising or act as if it must be tough going for me to be all deprived in such an environment. So the hit to the pride that I am viewed as in a compromised state is a concern - "poor guy, can't even enjoy a drink". On the other hand, one of the reasons that the Annie Grace and Allen Carr stuff resonated with me as much as it does was it was about recognising that you are not actually depriving yourself at all - it really does remove that feeling of missing out. At this moment in time, I am currently 100% bought in to the idea that drinking is just a terrible idea period. I don't want to put the stuff near me, but also feel that it would be giving alcohol way too much power by running a mile from it. And if I really, truly feel the way I think I do about alcohol, it shouldn't be a problem anyway. The best way to counteract the potentially patronising treatment is just to have a great time. I feel it's possible with the group of people I'm going to - I will be relatively speaking in my comfort zone - but "time will tell" if that bears out or not. I will report back!

Wow, I know I'm going to get roasted by you guys for this blazee approach!! But I have considered it in light of my recent "research" and ponderings and believe it to be the best for me. I've tried the fierce will-power approach and it got me nowhere.

But in relation to plans, my main one, besides explaining to people I have simply given up alcohol when offered an alcoholic drink, is to make myself scarce from around 9 o'clock and to take regular breaks (I'm staying down the road) from the small talk (once I have managed to catch up properly with all of my friends which may actually take most of the day anyway?).

ScottFromWI

It really doesn't have to be complicated at all. Your response to the situation was very thoughtful, but as you have even admitted yourself sometimes you tend to "overthink" things..and I think you are possibly doing that again now :-) I did it too, most of us did.

As far as making a plan for a wedding, it's no different than making a plan for anyting - set a goal and then define the steps you will take to achieve it. If your goal is to build a house, you choose a design, make a building plan, buy the materials and then build it.

In this case your goal is to attend a wedding without drinking alcohol, correct? So make that the # priority. The link provided earlier up has a lot of great info too, but for the most part you have lots of options. Not going is ALWAYS a viable option. People miss weddings all the time for a whole host of reasons. So if you honestly don't feel you will be able to make it through without drinking - you probably won't. And if that were the case not going would be your best plan.

If you do decide to go, maybe just go to the wedding itself and not the reception. The ceremony is the most important part anyway, not the party afterwards.

And if you do decide to go to the whole thing, your plan needs to revolve around the basic goal - not drinking alcohol NO MATTER WHAT. So your plan there might involve making sure you have a transportation option to leave if the temptation becomes to strong. Or perhaps not hanging out with certain groups of people too much - there are plenty of people who don't drink at weddings..as alcoholics it's pretty surprising fact. But indeed, there are plenty of people that just don't drink or drink very little. We tend to seek out those who drink a lot, and we always find that crowd.

So that's what a plan is - set a goal and take steps to achieve it. Write it down on a piece of paper and stick it in your pocket if it helps ;-)

Briansy

Scott, I honestly think the thing that I fear most is how the way I feel at that wedding is going to inform my attitude towards alcohol and whether or not it's indispensible to me in my life for the purposes of connecting with friends, socialising etc. If I am treated with pity, don't connect as I feel I can or just go away feeling ashamed or discouraged, then that is a recipe for falling off the wagon as it will give alcohol all that power. If I leave with my head held high and genuinely have the attitude that not only do I not need it but I don't want it, then I think I am setting myself up for having the right mindset going forward. This past year has in some ways been a "waste" as I have not attained permanent sobriety despite some sincere attempts at doing so but what it has allowed me to do is get myself into several social situations and practice being in that environment. I have proven to myself that I can do that in a way that I simply would not have been able to do this time last year (at the wedding I referenced in my earlier post). It's progress, for sure, but that doesn't mean I think it would be progress to get 2 months under my belt this time and then go back on it. This time last year I went into that wedding not wanting to drink, but knowing it would be almost impossible. I think a key part to why I am convinced I won't drink this time is because everyone now knows I'm not drinking and I have that practice - hence why it's not the drinking at this event that worries me - but where my mindset will be post wedding - will I breathe a sigh of relief and go straight for the bar at the airport away from prying eyes? I don't think so and sincerely hope not.

dpac414

This is really interesting to me. I'm not gonna drag you for your blase attitude, although I really find it interesting that some people straight up reject the idea of plans and other actions that typically make up recovery. Of course not everyone is the same and what is typical is not more "correct" than anything else, but it's just interesting.

I guess my question is just this: Why are you so eager to test yourself like this so early on? I understand the idea of alcohol having power but I feel like you're inherently giving it power by letting it define whether you've succeeded or failed in socializing. I don't think an event can define that for you anyway, because it's going to take awhile to adjust and relearn how to do all of these things without alcohol. On Memorial Day in the US, I had a few thoughts of sadness that I couldn't drink, whereas at my sister's wedding a few weeks earlier, I didn't. There are tons of factors that go into it. I guess I just don't understand the willingness to play with fire. It's not heroic or a flex of any kind to be able to "resist" when you don't have to be in situations like that in the first place.

Your thoughts are interesting though, and I'm not trying to be condescending or try to tell you that my way is the only way because that's not true. I think I've just seen a lot of people try to out think alcoholism only to eventually relapse and I'd hate to see that for you.

Last thing, you will find that people really don't give a single f about whether you drink or not. I was the biggest drinker in my family and whether they knew it was a problem or not, no one said a single word to me at that wedding or any of the events I've gone to since then. If they patronize privately, not my problem. Usually people who take umbrage with non-drinkers probably are uncomfortable with themselves.

Also, you're right to stay extra vigilant after the wedding. That's when cravings hit and it's easier to give in.

Briansy

Dpac - good point re: the event being a success or not. This can depend on lots of factors and is certainly not a definitive indicator of where I sit in relation to alcohol. But I can tell you from recent experience that I would be more likely to drink if I stayed at home on my own than go to this wedding.

Briansy

Also: my point is not to achieve a great feat of heroism by "resisting". But trying to understand whether or not I am actually resisting a strong urge or simply not drinking as it's not in any way appealing. I've spent the last fortnight reading and re-reading books whose stated goal is to end the cognitive dissonance that causes craving by taking what we subconsciously know (i.e. that drinking is adding nothing to our lives but taking away and we should quit) and having those thoughts inform our subconscious too - that bit that romanticises drinking and that has been created by years of conditioning - the bit that leads us to falsely conclude that alcohol is in fact adding to our lives. The idea is that without cognitive dissonance, there is no craving - the internal struggle is gone. If strong craving still exists then I guess the message in those books either doesn't work or hasn't gotten through. But I've tried other methods unsuccessfully so this is my go at trying this one. And the express instructions are not to run away from alcohol as the idea is you will find it repellent anyway so won't want to or have to drink. Now granted, I am not going to willingly stay there until 2 AM listening to a load of drunks talk drunken crap, but staying at home in my apartment is not the way forward for me.

August252015

OK, here I go again with the first thing: don't go. NO is always, always, always an acceptable answer.

I did read tho kinda skimmed your posts, Briansy. The consistent thing that popped out is, basically, you're still making your drinking conditional.

On others' reactions at the wedding, on whether or not you've been reading those books, on what being around it will make you feel like.....

That's a recipe for keeping on drinking. Is that what you want? It's up to you - and again, being redundant (see my theme?)....if you want to be sober more than you want to drink, then you will go to any lengths to do it. That means choices on where, when and what you do - it means time to adjust to the new ideas you mention - it means the better/safer choice this early....it means not getting ahead of yourself for weddings far off....it means everything really.

Including today. Especially today.

We can offer each other all the help and suggestions and experience in the world. Until each one of us acts on all of it and finds their own ways of living sober, too, well....the jury's out.

biminiblue

Well, that's just it, isn't it?

There are endless justifications/triggers/excuses for drinking when drinking is what someone wants to do.

It has to be black or white with this thing.

No drinking. No matter what happens externally or internally, the answer has to be, "No." It's a one-time all inclusive offer.

Always and forever, Amen.

Briansy

Hi August - no I don't think I am - this is more of an exercise in figuring out where my head is at. None of it involves drinking. But certain indicators point more towards drinking and others point towards a strong resolve to remain sober. I believe I have the latter. If this weekend exposes that I don't then I am doing something wrong. But I don't believe it will! What I know for certain is that drinking is not in any way a good idea and will neither add to my life at the time nor will it after.

August252015

There you go. Up to you to act on it.

I'm really not being a hard *** - or maybe I am, but the reality is that this doesn't get better. Once we realize that alcohol is what you just said re your life....whatever that means to you and whether any of us calls ourselves high, low, non-functioning etc, I will tell you this:

Insisting on knowing the whys and wherefores of my drinking only served to keep me drinking.

As you hear in AA - we can act our way into right thinking, but we can't think our way into right acting. The thinking me would have killed me if I'd kept that up.