Back and in a low place
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Got some really bad news in the last hour about a big deal that fell through in my line of work. Not a pleasant feeling and the anxiety is far from gone on only day 5. But a good opportunity to test my typical reflex to get smashed. No way is that happening.
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Productive early evening so far. Call with my folks I've been putting off, two rounds of laundry, replaced a couple of items I needed to return and picked up some ironing. For rest of the evening I have plenty of Annie Grace to listen to. Her case is really compelling and I'm surprised at how I've managed to get through this withdrawal. It should be brutal but there's no rhyme nor reason to that side of things. I definitely know my system is still not right though. That anxiety I felt earlier had a hell of a lot of more force. But resisting the urge to wallow has been good. Speaking to my folks was good too. That's one thing that my drinking has done and it has made me hide from them. Seeing them 2 weeks from today at which point I should be in much better shape physically and mentally. Will buy some new clothes so I'm presenting myself to them as a respectable member of society!
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Thank you very much for this. Yes, I think you're right. I need the support of other alcoholics is the reality. And reading those books is at least keeping focused on the goal as opposed to just winging it. There was a time where I put a larfle amount of work into it last August before it fell apart - I just need to understand that just because I get a month or 3 or 6 under my belt doesn't mean I'll be in the clear. Challenges and frustrations will present themselves
Celebrations, friends, parties, gatherings, bbq’s, holidays, they all happen. But you don’t drink.
You started everything with “I don’t drink,” so the emotions, the losses, the celebrations and the cravings, must yield to that one big truth.
And the pain, the difficulty, the conflict, the craving, the desire for it, the wistfulness about your drinking past do not make you unique. They are expected. In all of us. You’ll get some really uncomfortable feelings, and some really compelling arguments to say **** it and drink. You must get past all this. The uncomfortable feelings will pass in time. The difficult parts of life are just life. And the drinking thoughts are lies.
If you start with “I don’t drink,” then you are forced to come up with ways to distract, to cope, to soothe, to regain peace, to garner excitement, to keep motivation...life has to take its place. There is no other choice, so you have to do this, you have to come up with alternatives both big and small.
That’s the task of sobriety. My sobriety guides my life. I know everyone is sick of me saying this by now, but the people I see who relapse are not allowing sobriety to lead their life. They are letting depression lead, or hopelessness and regret; or craving and wishing for the past lead the way, or they are letting it sneak in and lead for a moment, and then the moment becomes a fateful one. If sobriety leads at all times, with all situations, with all people, at all hours of your day and night: there is no room to decide to drink.
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Yeah, basically it’s this: you start with the fact that you don’t drink. Then, job frustrations happen, heartbreak happens, financial losses happen, loneliness, emotional pain, reactive anger, feelings of boredom, they all happen: but you don’t drink. The addiction comes calling....and calling..
Celebrations, friends, parties, gatherings, bbq’s, holidays, they all happen. But you don’t drink.
You started everything with “I don’t drink,” so the emotions, the losses, the celebrations and the cravings, must yield to that one big truth.
And the pain, the difficulty, the conflict, the craving, the desire for it, the wistfulness about your drinking past do not make you unique. They are expected. In all of us. You’ll get some really uncomfortable feelings, and some really compelling arguments to say **** it and drink. You must get past all this. The uncomfortable feelings will pass in time. The difficult parts of life are just life. And the drinking thoughts are lies.
If you start with “I don’t drink,” then you are forced to come up with ways to distract, to cope, to soothe, to regain peace, to garner excitement, to keep motivation...life has to take its place. There is no other choice, so you have to do this, you have to come up with alternatives both big and small.
That’s the task of sobriety. My sobriety guides my life. I know everyone is sick of me saying this by now, but the people I see who relapse are not allowing sobriety to lead their life. They are letting depression lead, or hopelessness and regret; or craving and wishing for the past lead the way, or they are letting it sneak in and lead for a moment, and then the moment becomes a fateful one. If sobriety leads at all times, with all situations, with all people, at all hours of your day and night: there is no room to decide to drink.
Celebrations, friends, parties, gatherings, bbq’s, holidays, they all happen. But you don’t drink.
You started everything with “I don’t drink,” so the emotions, the losses, the celebrations and the cravings, must yield to that one big truth.
And the pain, the difficulty, the conflict, the craving, the desire for it, the wistfulness about your drinking past do not make you unique. They are expected. In all of us. You’ll get some really uncomfortable feelings, and some really compelling arguments to say **** it and drink. You must get past all this. The uncomfortable feelings will pass in time. The difficult parts of life are just life. And the drinking thoughts are lies.
If you start with “I don’t drink,” then you are forced to come up with ways to distract, to cope, to soothe, to regain peace, to garner excitement, to keep motivation...life has to take its place. There is no other choice, so you have to do this, you have to come up with alternatives both big and small.
That’s the task of sobriety. My sobriety guides my life. I know everyone is sick of me saying this by now, but the people I see who relapse are not allowing sobriety to lead their life. They are letting depression lead, or hopelessness and regret; or craving and wishing for the past lead the way, or they are letting it sneak in and lead for a moment, and then the moment becomes a fateful one. If sobriety leads at all times, with all situations, with all people, at all hours of your day and night: there is no room to decide to drink.
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That’s the task of sobriety. My sobriety guides my life. I know everyone is sick of me saying this by now, but the people I see who relapse are not allowing sobriety to lead their life. They are letting depression lead, or hopelessness and regret; or craving and wishing for the past lead the way, or they are letting it sneak in and lead for a moment, and then the moment becomes a fateful one. If sobriety leads at all times, with all situations, with all people, at all hours of your day and night: there is no room to decide to drink.
Sobriety became recovery as it became the very backdrop of my life.
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What you're saying Sassy is not massively different to Annie Grace in the sense that what's paramount is not letting yourself be conditioned to think that drinking alcohol is in any way a good idea. And being vigilant about recognising when this conditioning is taking place. Watching people have a good time at a party and romanticising about the good times with alcohol is a classic one to look out for. Constantly parsing the reality from your erroneous perception of why they might be having a good time sounds like a very good idea to keep things on the rails. And firmly stating your position both to yourself and others from the outset is all part of that same thinking. I really had a stinking day yesterday but the idea of drinking was not even close to an option. I think that would be more impressive on day 36 than day 6 but I'm still pleased.
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What you're saying Sassy is not massively different to Annie Grace in the sense that what's paramount is not letting yourself be conditioned to think that drinking alcohol is in any way a good idea. And being vigilant about recognising when this conditioning is taking place. Watching people have a good time at a party and romanticising about the good times with alcohol is a classic one to look out for. Constantly parsing the reality from your erroneous perception of why they might be having a good time sounds like a very good idea to keep things on the rails. And firmly stating your position both to yourself and others from the outset is all part of that same thinking. I really had a stinking day yesterday but the idea of drinking was not even close to an option. I think that would be more impressive on day 36 than day 6 but I'm still pleased.
I realize as I talk about my own sobriety on this forum, I am not just talking to all of you. I am reinforcing my own recovery. I am never cured. The cravings have left me but I have the exact addiction that all of you have, whether you are drinking or sober. I can wake mine up in an instant. I just choose not to. Every time I talk about sobriety leading me, or I tell someone at a party or a bar or band practice “I don’t drink,” I’m also telling myself and with each statement my recovery strengthens.
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End of day 8! Had an overnighter to play golf yesterday and today with a friend who I typically would have drank with. He had wine with dinner and a pint at some local neighborhood bar that was established in 1767 or something - we stood out like a sore thumb as not from the village and got chatting to the friendly locals. I was on guard at all times and trying to determine where he and I were getting our enjoyment from on the night. Most of it was interacting with the friendly locals and if I had been drinking I would have gone on a mission and probably not done much interacting with anyone bar talking at my mate and slipping into texting and going in to my own head. I can't say it was super enjoyable, but it was useful and there was no real temptation at any time. That being said, hanging out in bars is not something I want to do any of at all in the coming months. But we had this weekend arranged and I wanted to be fair to him. Also, if the premise of what I want to do is not want a drink rather than feel deprived then it was useful to understand where I was at with that.
Finished that book on Friday but gonna go back to chapter one tomorrow and hammer home the message. Feeling good tonight and remain motivated.
Finished that book on Friday but gonna go back to chapter one tomorrow and hammer home the message. Feeling good tonight and remain motivated.
Congrats on day 8! I would agree that bars are simply not a good idea this early on. Yes it's certainly possible and I "tested" myself to see if I could too...but also found that it was really no fun being around a bunch of drunks when you are sober. As you move forward you'll find that there are so many things to do that don't involve drinking that you won't even think of the 'old ways' much anymore.
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Good job.....but strongly agree with Scott here.
You seem to be getting a whole lot from Annie Grace which is awesome. I'm going to be redundant again (ha) that adding more tools and making choices that take you further from a drink , rather than closer to one, is critical right now. Real friends will wait.
What have you planned out for today? I needed very simple plans at first (like 1 make the bed 2 eat twice and 3 shower, for a couple weeks - and a meeting every day) and that gradually expanded to the very awesomely, ridiculously full HDP (Holy Day Planner, as my husband and I call it) I keep now. I just started my 4th one in sobriety and I've kept them all - plus the tiny notebook I first used that had such basic daily to dos and victories.
Additions of exercise, things we enjoy (golf) and participating in good things with supportive people and surroundings....they come if we stay sober.
You seem to be getting a whole lot from Annie Grace which is awesome. I'm going to be redundant again (ha) that adding more tools and making choices that take you further from a drink , rather than closer to one, is critical right now. Real friends will wait.
What have you planned out for today? I needed very simple plans at first (like 1 make the bed 2 eat twice and 3 shower, for a couple weeks - and a meeting every day) and that gradually expanded to the very awesomely, ridiculously full HDP (Holy Day Planner, as my husband and I call it) I keep now. I just started my 4th one in sobriety and I've kept them all - plus the tiny notebook I first used that had such basic daily to dos and victories.
Additions of exercise, things we enjoy (golf) and participating in good things with supportive people and surroundings....they come if we stay sober.
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Good job.....but strongly agree with Scott here.
You seem to be getting a whole lot from Annie Grace which is awesome. I'm going to be redundant again (ha) that adding more tools and making choices that take you further from a drink , rather than closer to one, is critical right now. Real friends will wait.
What have you planned out for today? I needed very simple plans at first (like 1 make the bed 2 eat twice and 3 shower, for a couple weeks - and a meeting every day) and that gradually expanded to the very awesomely, ridiculously full HDP (Holy Day Planner, as my husband and I call it) I keep now. I just started my 4th one in sobriety and I've kept them all - plus the tiny notebook I first used that had such basic daily to dos and victories.
Additions of exercise, things we enjoy (golf) and participating in good things with supportive people and surroundings....they come if we stay sober.
You seem to be getting a whole lot from Annie Grace which is awesome. I'm going to be redundant again (ha) that adding more tools and making choices that take you further from a drink , rather than closer to one, is critical right now. Real friends will wait.
What have you planned out for today? I needed very simple plans at first (like 1 make the bed 2 eat twice and 3 shower, for a couple weeks - and a meeting every day) and that gradually expanded to the very awesomely, ridiculously full HDP (Holy Day Planner, as my husband and I call it) I keep now. I just started my 4th one in sobriety and I've kept them all - plus the tiny notebook I first used that had such basic daily to dos and victories.
Additions of exercise, things we enjoy (golf) and participating in good things with supportive people and surroundings....they come if we stay sober.
I'm mainly focused on trying to avoid stressful situations at the mo. I have a wedding in a fortnight which will be fine (but far from ideal) as they all know I'm not drinking and this has been firmly established and after that my only commitment is a golf trip with my two cousins - one of whom recommended Annie and will also be sober. In a way those trips allow me to practice being sober doing fun things. Last time we did a trip in February to Spain I felt deprived. This is the attitude I want to get away from this time and I look forward to chatting that aspect through with my cousin when there. Besides that, it's just work and casual golf games on the weekends. Thankfully golf isn't really alcohol oriented in the UK the way it can be in the States. And it's an excuse to get fresh air and not isolate. The isolating tends to get me intro trouble. So healthy socialising. Funny that although the topic of drinking and its positive associations comes up frequently day to day, it happens FAR less when I am not the one leading it, cementing this own obsession in my own head. I think that's one of the really key mistakes I've been making for years. Wow, I really sound like a disciple with the zeal of the reformed here. But so be it!
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Keep thinking thru it all like you are doing!
And, I was super (super) conservative on anything social, or with much more than just my parents (who were desperately glad I was finally getting sober). My first sponsor told me I could say no to ANYTHING and I took that to heart. So, many folks around here do trips or outings or weddings- and have VERY different outcomes.
Bringing it back to today is the best thing I can suggest Oh, and when I went to work, ducking out of any convo for the smallest excuse was a trick I used a LOT when talk went to the kind of stuff you describe.
I don't know if it's on audio but Russell Brand's book Recovery is irreverent, hilarious and so spot on for anyone with any kind of issues (well beyond alcohol and drugs ). I'd add it to your list of learning for sure.
Stick with us. You can do this.
And, I was super (super) conservative on anything social, or with much more than just my parents (who were desperately glad I was finally getting sober). My first sponsor told me I could say no to ANYTHING and I took that to heart. So, many folks around here do trips or outings or weddings- and have VERY different outcomes.
Bringing it back to today is the best thing I can suggest Oh, and when I went to work, ducking out of any convo for the smallest excuse was a trick I used a LOT when talk went to the kind of stuff you describe.
I don't know if it's on audio but Russell Brand's book Recovery is irreverent, hilarious and so spot on for anyone with any kind of issues (well beyond alcohol and drugs ). I'd add it to your list of learning for sure.
Stick with us. You can do this.
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End of day 11 and I will say I was somewhat tested today. Stress levels went through the roof when I was on the receiving end of two instances of clear injustice in my line of work. It actually happens all the time in what we do - we're headhunters so automatically assumed to be the lowest form of scum - so I really do need to find a way to box those frustrations and put them to one side knowing that the cards may be stacked against us in some instances but in the grand scheme of things make pretty decent money for the hours we do.
Amazing how the brain reverts to expecting the well engrained practice of imbibing to provide "relief" from said stress. I guess being more finely tuned to what's going on on those moments helps detach from it and ride it through, but it's hard not to resent it and resort to pointless self pity.
In other news I've started on Allen Carr. Slightly disconcerted by how eerily similar the message is to this naked mind. It most certainly provided the spine to Annie's book but, again, just because I made that observation doesn't invalidate the message which is a good one. I guess the positive message is she took a strong message and built on it and updated it and made it stronger. Like a cover song that is better than a widely admired original.
Anyway, rambling. The conclusion being to please try to stop focusing on the negatives! As there are a lot of positives in all of this - not least the successful conclusion of day 11.
Amazing how the brain reverts to expecting the well engrained practice of imbibing to provide "relief" from said stress. I guess being more finely tuned to what's going on on those moments helps detach from it and ride it through, but it's hard not to resent it and resort to pointless self pity.
In other news I've started on Allen Carr. Slightly disconcerted by how eerily similar the message is to this naked mind. It most certainly provided the spine to Annie's book but, again, just because I made that observation doesn't invalidate the message which is a good one. I guess the positive message is she took a strong message and built on it and updated it and made it stronger. Like a cover song that is better than a widely admired original.
Anyway, rambling. The conclusion being to please try to stop focusing on the negatives! As there are a lot of positives in all of this - not least the successful conclusion of day 11.
Learning healthy ways to face life on it's own terms is one of the hardest things about quitting I think - good to see that you are making some steps in that direction. It's not easy, and our addiction knows it....so having those thoughts about "expecting" the drink is to be expected. But as you have already proven you don't need to listen to them, nice work!
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Surprise, surprise, the two glaring injustices actually weren't injustices at all, just misunderstandings. Now, how do we move away from that paranoid thinking and into a mind state of acceptance? Presumably practice with a clear head. Will be on the lookout for that messed up, warped logic and putting it to bed quickly when it occurs!
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Surprise, surprise, the two glaring injustices actually weren't injustices at all, just misunderstandings. Now, how do we move away from that paranoid thinking and into a mind state of acceptance? Presumably practice with a clear head. Will be on the lookout for that messed up, warped logic and putting it to bed quickly when it occurs!
I no longer dramatize my feelings about how others think of me, or how I think of myself. I look at social situations or interactions with family in a much, much more balanced way.
I believe social and situational nuance is lost on us as drinkers. I think the isolation is partly because of that. We obliterate our subtlety and our ability to decipher what others are truly communicating to us.
I think this is why I have peace with my husband finally. I rarely, rarely just react anymore. I think about it, first.
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