Almost relapsed
Almost relapsed
I usually post on friends and family members of substance users due to what I have endured in my marriage with a drug addict husband. I have been sober for 17 years. But I am coming up on the one year date (July 4th) where I contacted the girl ( who my husband denied and lied about any sexual involvement with her for 8 years) and learned the truth that they had a three month affair 8 years ago. Insult to injury, she was 19 and my husband was 41! A year ago this information hurt so deeply that I went emotionally numb. He then was sorry and got right with God and a lot of people so I felt like I had to be super spiritual and do a blanket forgiveness. But that only hurt myself because I haven’t processed the affair and since I said I forgave him and he is sincere in his sorrow I feel stuck and trapped in this pain and the last few months I have been feeling anger, pain, resentment, and disgust! I feel so defective and ugly because he chased after a 19 year old! feel I can’t tell my family or our adult children what happened because they are already traumatized by his drug abuse. I do have a therapist, but he only seems to want to work on my anxiety even after I said I need help processing this pain and this affair. All I can think about is what they did ( she gave details), the 8 years of gaslighting and lies and how I’m not really caring about sobriety anymore. I almost purchased alcohol today but prayed for help and just drove home instead. Please be kind with response, I’m still trying to figure my way and it’s all so muddy. I’m not sure what I’m expecting in posting, just mainly to get this out and by doing so I’ll stsy sober Thanks
good in ya for headin home instead-
the one thing that stuck out to me:
I feel so defective and ugly because he chased after a 19 year old!
what he did isnt a reflection of who you are-its a reflection of who HE is. a 41 year ol dman chasing a 19 year old is only 41 in years- sure as hell isnt 41 mentally and emotionally.
it would seem what yer experiencing is because ya havent processed it yet- its all fresh now. this is probably going to be a whirlwind of feelings and emotions- like early recovery because it is early recovery but not from alcohol. this is gonna take time to go THROUGH.
ya lied about not caring about recovery,LT. if ya didnt care, ya wouldnt have prayed and headed home.
the one thing that stuck out to me:
I feel so defective and ugly because he chased after a 19 year old!
what he did isnt a reflection of who you are-its a reflection of who HE is. a 41 year ol dman chasing a 19 year old is only 41 in years- sure as hell isnt 41 mentally and emotionally.
it would seem what yer experiencing is because ya havent processed it yet- its all fresh now. this is probably going to be a whirlwind of feelings and emotions- like early recovery because it is early recovery but not from alcohol. this is gonna take time to go THROUGH.
ya lied about not caring about recovery,LT. if ya didnt care, ya wouldnt have prayed and headed home.
I'm so glad that you chose not to drink. Having been in your situation, I can understand how that wound continues to fester. Have you asked your therapist why this isn't something to discuss? Seems to me that if this is something you really feel you need to work through, it shouldn't be pushed aside without good reason.
O
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I am so sorry for your pain.
I have lived through something similar, and it took a lot of strength for you to go home.
Please dont let his failings be your undoing -- easier said than done, but things will look different if you just dont drink over it.
X
I have lived through something similar, and it took a lot of strength for you to go home.
Please dont let his failings be your undoing -- easier said than done, but things will look different if you just dont drink over it.
X
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
I usually post on friends and family members of substance users due to what I have endured in my marriage with a drug addict husband. I have been sober for 17 years. But I am coming up on the one year date (July 4th) where I contacted the girl ( who my husband denied and lied about any sexual involvement with her for 8 years) and learned the truth that they had a three month affair 8 years ago. Insult to injury, she was 19 and my husband was 41! A year ago this information hurt so deeply that I went emotionally numb. He then was sorry and got right with God and a lot of people so I felt like I had to be super spiritual and do a blanket forgiveness. But that only hurt myself because I haven’t processed the affair and since I said I forgave him and he is sincere in his sorrow I feel stuck and trapped in this pain and the last few months I have been feeling anger, pain, resentment, and disgust! I feel so defective and ugly because he chased after a 19 year old! feel I can’t tell my family or our adult children what happened because they are already traumatized by his drug abuse. I do have a therapist, but he only seems to want to work on my anxiety even after I said I need help processing this pain and this affair. All I can think about is what they did ( she gave details), the 8 years of gaslighting and lies and how I’m not really caring about sobriety anymore. I almost purchased alcohol today but prayed for help and just drove home instead. Please be kind with response, I’m still trying to figure my way and it’s all so muddy. I’m not sure what I’m expecting in posting, just mainly to get this out and by doing so I’ll stsy sober Thanks
Your marriage may or may not survive but don't pick up that drink.
I'm so glad that you chose not to drink. Having been in your situation, I can understand how that wound continues to fester. Have you asked your therapist why this isn't something to discuss? Seems to me that if this is something you really feel you need to work through, it shouldn't be pushed aside without good reason.
O
O
Of course you do and that's an honest reaction. To pretend otherwise or ignore such feelings is unhealthy. Now, you might consider seeing a different therapist but what you don't do is to pick up that first drink.
Your marriage may or may not survive but don't pick up that drink.
Your marriage may or may not survive but don't pick up that drink.
Sick n tired
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 509
I had something similar and the pain was bad and it nearly destroyed me. Amazing you didn’t drink your so strong and you can get through the pain. The gaslighting etc is on him his character and not yours hope you find healing and after 17 years you should be so so so proud of yourself strong woman right there
But that only hurt myself because I haven’t processed the affair and since I said I forgave him and he is sincere in his sorrow I feel stuck and trapped in this pain and the last few months I have been feeling anger, pain, resentment, and disgust! I feel so defective and ugly because he chased after a 19 year old
hi LT55
the advice to not let it rent space in your head is good advice as it goes but maybe you need to ask the doc how you might do that in practical terms cos it's obviously still causing you pain?
I hope you find a healthy way through all this. I'm glad tho that you're still sober - thats great
D
the advice to not let it rent space in your head is good advice as it goes but maybe you need to ask the doc how you might do that in practical terms cos it's obviously still causing you pain?
I hope you find a healthy way through all this. I'm glad tho that you're still sober - thats great
D
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