I'm back, again, and so ashamed
 

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if anyone will remember me but I was here before when I was pregnant. Well, I got through the pregnancy and a few months after being completely sober... and then I slid back down. I thought because I only drink spritzers now that I was doing ok having the odd drink in the evening. Predictably, that has turned into almost every day. I so wanted to be sober for my daughter but I've failed. I'm getting fatter, I have no money and the thought of quitting drinking terrifies me. But I have to. This stupid cycle can't keep going on. My anxiety is back as is my depression. I'm just a f***ing idiot.

I'm glad you're back. You've heard it all, you know what's at stake. Make this time stick. You owe it to your daughter.

I want to, I really do, but I'm afraid. I really thought it would stick last time. I wasn't far off a year! But nope.

You’re not a ******* idiot, you are an addict who thought you could try drinking again.

Don’t disparage yourself: you’ll need a lot of belief in yourself to move forward from this point. You can do this again: and waking up with a small child with no hangover will be a blessing indeed. :)

I’m glad you’re back. How old is your daughter now?

You can do this, I know you can.

I'm so mad at myself. I saw it coming a mile off but I still stood on the tracks as the train got closer.

She's a year and one month and she's wonderful though definitely not easy! :lmao

I'm sad to be here again for obvious reason but this place really helped me before :tyou

That's the hope. I'm just so disappointed in myself. And I'm scared I wont be able to do it. Trying to see the future instead of just right now has always been my problem and the f**k it demon whispers in my ear all the time.

Hey I remember you. Glad to see you back. You can do this, coming back here is the first step. Is there anything you can do differently this time around to help, make a plan? Welcome back

LPG

I’m glad you made it back. It seems a little like the anxiety is also playing into fears of not being able to make it work. I know it’s trite but instead of thinking of the entire future laid out before you maybe do more of a one day at a time thing? I don’t know. I never know what resonates most with different people but I guess I just know how overwhelmed I felt at first after I’d quit before and was trying again. Hope to hear more from you as the days rack up.

Glad you are back, I remember your name. This is a really good analogy. I use something similar sometimes. A person on the track can admit they see the train coming (that might be like admitting the problem) but they haven't really accepted it until they take some action to get off the damn tracks. Admission plus action = acceptance. Then you can get somewhere in solving the problem.

Glad you're back. Hopefully your experience is more fruitful this time.

Seems you found out something "new" just like I did. I believed I was only alcoholic when I drank. Therefore, if I don't drink I'm 1. I'm all set. 2. I'm not alcoholic anymore.

It was the time away from the booze when MY (I don't speak for anyone here but myself) alcoholism really kicked up a notch. Sometimes it was slow and steady while other times it would hit suddenly but sooner or later it was like there was a pressure that would just build and build until I drank again.

Figuring out that not-drinking was about 10% of what I had to deal with. Most of my recovery has come with developing tools and seeking solutions on how to better-handle my life AFTER I put the booze down.

And lastly - for many of us, being smart, stupid, better informed, "knowing better" and so forth doesn't have thaaat much of an impact on whether you pick up again or not. It boils down to power, how much I have and in what areas I have it. Some have the power to stop and stay stopped, some have the power to stop but can't stay stopped, others lack the power to do either. Your particular "diagnosis" is your own but knowing precisely what you're dealing with is very important.

I sympathize with you. When I first quit I quit for about 9 months. I thought I was home free. It felt great. I could not imagine wanting to go back to that old way.

Then I did.

That experience takes the belief that you can do this and puts it through the garbage disposal. I did not just have some level of doubt that I could do this, I had hard proof that I could not. I had no doubt that it was hopeless to try.

But I've had challenges like this before. Try try again. That is what I did. I'm still in great doubt it will take this time but I'm still trying. If it doesn't take, at least I will go down swinging. Wayne Gretzky (hockey great) said, "You miss 100% or the shots you don't take."

Keep shooting.

We learn from our experiences

The trick is to change the narrative- so, for me- my could- not -get -any- worse rock bottom (revived from being dead x 3) - changed me to getting a positive recovery going, with SR, meetings a GP and counsellor.

My prayers and support to you

Stop beating yourself up, just try again. Lord knows I was on the 50 strikes your out plan before I quit in May 2017.

We all make mistakes. But your desire to stop drinking sounds sincere and that desire is the most important thing.

Today is a great day to quit. We cant travel back in time so beating ourself up about the past is a waste of effort. Just take the wisdom from the lesson and leave the guilty feelings behind.

if you ever read the book "power of Now" by Tolle he talks about that the present moment is all that is. So "all we have is the now".

What that really means is that if you are sober today and plan to stay sober then that is all that really matters. i notice that measuring clean time can be a big demotivator for people because of the disgrace you feel after "throwing away" 11 months of clean time or whatever.

But in truth "stretches of clean time" are a psychological construct. Sorry if I am getting a little too philosophical and esoteric here but Yeah.....

If one man had 40 years clean and another had 4 days clean and they both got drunk last night at 11pm...... Then this morning they are both equals.

Why is that? Because they are both clean TODAY. And the present moment is all that exists.

I was at an AA meeting and this girl was bawling her eyes out about having a year clean and then she got drunk once. She focused all her energy on the 1 day of drinking and forgot all about the 364 days that she was abstinent.

All we have is today. So when people ask me how much clean time I have I tell them: All we have is today. And that is the truth.

Even the AA big book says "All we have is a DAILY reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual principles". So even in 1939 they knew that all we have is Today.

8 weeks pregnant, 4 sober...
 

I’ve had three healthy babies. They are now 22, 21, and 13; they are beautiful and intelligent young women.

I binge drank almost daily until I found out I was pregnant with all three of them. I quit for the duration of my pregnancies.

If you have quit now there is likely nothing to worry about, and trust me: your OB has heard this many times before.