Wholesome

Been awhile.

Still not drinking and still not going to change my mind about it.

Still having a rough go of things though. The situation at work hasn't worked out yet. Frankly, it's becoming intolerable and I need to make a new plan because coming home and crying all the time isn't ok. I don't know what I'm going to do but I'm thinking my options over and I'll figure it out.

I've been going through what I can only describe as a spiritual awakening and it has been the most painful experience of my life. It has not been easy. Facing myself and my past and accepting my own ignorance and deception and debasement hurts. I went my whole life thinking it was all nonsense and BS and I was wrong. I don't have faith. I KNOW it's real. Knowledge can be terrifying and permanently change a person. I didn't find God the easy way. It's been really hard and really scary but I wouldn't ever want it to stop and I'm glad I didn't give up on figuring out the mystery. What a gift!

I strayed far from the path, but I've righted my ship and I'm back on the path and plan on spending the rest of my life trying to redeem myself.

Good thoughts. Good words. Good deeds.

PS. All my family and friends think I'm crazy now. Maybe I am, I don't think so, but you never know. One thing I do know is that I am not the person I was 28 months ago when I quit drinking. The woman who used to drink herself into oblivion and wake up wanting to die and called it fun was the crazy person IMO. This new me who seeks wholeness, truth, beauty, nature, and creativity, is the sane one.

Dropsie

BillieJ,

I am sorry it has been tough, but rough good I would say.

When we change and take back our control we shift the balance in all our relationships. This is not easy on us or them, but so worth it.

I hope you can find a way to stop crying about work and figure that out. I loved the book your boss is not your mother. Ask the universe.

August252015

Billie, glad you checked in and are sober.

You're talking about a spiritual awakening- def a process and def a tough one at times....are you working a program like AA? Any guidance and support for your progress along this time? If not, never too late to add it whether AA, a counselor, another plan...things that can help you gain peace. A dr perhaps for the crying and what sounds like really "down" feelings?

Wholesome

No, still not working a program. I don't need one. I'm never going to drink again. I still think AA is all inverted.... But I'm happy it works for some people. Not interested in seeing Dr's or taking any pills or anything. I'm OK with staying me, even if it's a messed up me, at times.

I don't think anyone else can help my relationship with the creator. It's the kind of thing that is self initiated. Just like I can never properly explain to someone how it happened for me. It's My-story. Not His-story.

Hawkeye13

I found Echart Tolle's books and online talks really helpful in the process of awakening; especially the "pain body" sections when gave me quite a bit of insight into my self-destructive habits and why I kept doing it even when I knew better.

People think I'm crazy too. I kind of like it at this point, because most people are more focused on form than essence, and that is of little value to the soul. Meeting yourself is far more interesting than running from yourself by hiding in a bottle and buying more stuff to feel better or impress the neighbors.

We'll all get where we need to be in the end. Many roads to Mecca and all that. The journey is the thing, yes?

Hang in there.

GerandTwine

Hi Billie Jean,

I am going to run your interesting IP through the AVRT filter since I recall you using AVRT to get to your Big Plan over two years ago.

Logically, since this is an addiction recovery blog, you begin on that issue.

But notice how you use the word “still” for not drinking or changing your mind about it. “Still” by definition only includes the past up to the present moment. The future is left undetermined as if who knows what will happen.

And then in the very next sentence you begin with your first superlative “crying all the time”.
“All”, “must”, “whole”, “permanently” and “spending the rest of my life” are superlatives that you use throughout the rest of your post.

From an AVRT perspective, this is backwards.

A plan to never drink again (instead of still not drinking) is one of the tiny minority of plans a person can make that easily succeeds with the superlative “never”. So, it may be your Beast that is cutting out the future certainty of your never drinking again.

And it may actually be your Beast of AVRT that is trying to use the superlatives to add doom and gloom to your awareness that your new life for the first time as a non-drinking/drugging adult causes you to compare your past beliefs and actions against yourself and others now. This is complex human stuff that works by degrees and isn’t well described or even believable when using superlatives.

Spending the rest of your life not drinking doesn’t mean you must spend the rest of your life redeeming yourself. I’ve discovered many other great motivators for doing some of the innumerable activities of a fully engaged human being with a never intoxicated brain.

Gerand Twine

Wholesome

I have to admit to not using any filters on my posts. I don't worry about that much since it's been so long since I quit. I just know that I don't drink. And maybe crying "all" the time is a bit dramatic, but I have been crying a lot. Like many times a week and I used to hardly ever.

It's been quite a wild ride. I started asking questions and reading about all the different religions, Islam, Sikhism, Hindu, the occult, Luciferianism, Satanism, Hermetism, Gnostism, Chrisitianity, Catholism, astrotheology, Light.... The deeper I went the weirder it kept getting. There is way more to it all than we have been told. I have spent a small fortune on books! I just keep ordering them because there is just so much information. It's amazing. Scary too, because Earth is a fallen world, but we have free will, so we have to choose our fall... or redemption.

As far as redeeming myself goes.... quitting drinking is a drop in the bucket. I never would have thought that, me, of all people, would be asking God to have mercy on my soul, but I do.

Stayingsassy

Hi Billie.

Yep.

I know what you are going through.

I was thinking today after an especially hard day/week at work that when I was drinking I was all puffed up with things. Puffed up with illusions and ego. I thought very highly of myself as long as I didn’t have to take a long, hard, good look at myself in the raw.

Quitting drinking stripped away my illusions. At first, I was in such a fog I was sort of protected by it. Now, a year and many months later, seeing myself utterly as I am is a shock at times. Humbling. But true.

I think also, that seeing myself exactly as I am has taken all the stuffing out of me in a way. I feel a bit like a dog with her tail between her legs, at times. I was all puffed up with grand thoughts of myself and sobriety poked a hole in it.

I’m not quite at two years, but it is fascinating to me to see how long the process of discovering who I really am actually is.

I had to tell myself to be nicer to myself, today. To cut myself more of a break, and why I needed to do that. I wouldn’t wallow or cry or feel bad about things. I’d accept that I’m human and I need rest and I need mental space and emotional breaks. I don’t drink anymore to cope. I still grapple with 24 hour a day seven day a week realness, and it’s hard sometimes, so I still need a break.

I am convinced no one: that’s right, no one, who uses alcohol to cope with life actually knows who they really are. And part of the battle with putting the drink down, is that fear of finding out.

You aren’t crazy. You are still discovering. You are brave. You are real. You are going to be ok.

Dee74

Hi BJ.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I was an agnostic when I quit and rediscovered my faith a little later. It wasn't so much painful for me as it was a homecoming.

The way I dealt with my past was to make my life a kind of living amends. Christianity to me is about service.

I find that focuses me on the day ahead, rather than being stuck on things that happened 10 or 20 years ago?

D

fini

wow, BJ, how exciting, painful or not. no wonder some call it birthing.
i started my readings with William James ‘Varieties of Religious Experiences’ and went on from there.
whole new language for new experience and a lot of work. satisfying work.
best to you.
though it sounds like you already have it, in a way.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back BillieJean, and thanks for sharing. I also think it's exciting and positive that you are indeed moving on and facing your past/awakening your spirit. I've done a lot of that myself now that alcohol is permanently gone from my life - and i never could have if I hadn't quit drinking.

To be honest it's not even about the alcohol for me - my addiction or whatever you want to call it was an escape from dealing with life on it's own terms - both spiritually and literally. And even after I quit drinking I still found other avoidance techniques to not deal with my past or the present. My awakening came about through my work in dealing with my anxiety - counseling, reading, and taking care of all the other basic things ( diet, exercise, sleep, etc )

How your awakening plays out is certainly going to be unique to you, but i personally feel it's a necessary part of living a full life. For some people a recovery group helps them there, others look to a religion. Some use therapy other do it quite personally. I wish you the best of luck in finding your path.

Grungehead

Life is full of struggles, tragedy and disappointment, and no one is exempt from it. I remember that my answer to the question "what do you want most in life" used to be happiness. That has changed over the last several years and my answer is now meaningfulness. Sure sometimes the byproduct of living a meaningful life is happiness, but it is not a necessary requirement. Sometimes our greatest growth comes through difficult times.

I'm not sure if that made any sense, but it sounds like you are on a good path. Hopefully you will find the right solution for your work situation and it will sort itself out soon.

Stayingsassy

This made a lot of sense to me. Meaningfulness, instead of happiness.

That’s it exactly.

BrianK

I really enjoyed Richard Maurice Bucke's Cosmic Consciousness. Straightforward and analytical take on mysticism.

zjw

for what its worth i'm considerably more emotional since i got sober. Its scary to be honest. And i'm not more sad emotional i'm more happy emotional too (think tears of joy often).

Maybe the booze numbed the emotions out i'm not sure. I just passed my 8 year sober mark and its still a ride for sure.

For what its wroth tho exploreing the sorts of things your exploring isnt abnormal either however its a good thing.