Not sure where I belong...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 3
Not sure where I belong...
Hi everyone,
I have been reading through this site all day, because I know it's time for me to do something about my problems. I just don't know if I belong on the alcohol forums, or drug addiction forums, because my problem is a mix of both. I'm leaning towards alcoholism. Maybe you can help guide me....
So I am 32 and have been drinking since I was 14. I experimented with every drug under the sun from then too. I have a daughter now, who is 10, who goes to her dad every second weekend (we are broken up, as of 8 years ago).
My issue is my reckless, embarrassing behavior when I drink. Whenever I don't have my daughter with me, I go out. I go out on my own even, I drink until I'm properly wasted, and then seek out cocaine to help sober up a bit and carry on partying. This happens almost every weekend. If it's a weekend my daughter is with me, and I want to go out and socialise and drink, I make plans for her to go to her friends for a sleepover or something.
I used to rationalise it by saying that as a single mom, all alone in the world family-wise, I need the time off. But why does my time off always have to consist of drinking?
Another issue is that all my friends drink, every social outing with friends is centered around drinking, and I have severe social anxiety so I need to drink to handle those situations. I am on SSRIs for my anxiety disorder, and have done therapy, but it prevails. I also don't have fun unless I'm drunk, and I'm not talking about one or two drinks - I'm talking about proper wasted.
The other problem is that I drive when I drink, at the time I think I'm fine, but of course it's not. I am a mother. What the hell is wrong with me? I also can't afford to drink, and yet I do.
I am seeking help because I'm tired of this now. The last three weekends I had sex in a bathroom at a club to get a bag of coke from a doorman, I stayed up for two days doing drugs with random people I don't even know, I drove drunk...
I feel sick to my stomach at the things I have done. That's not even taking into consideration that I also lead guys on when I'm drunk, because with my beer goggles on I love everyone, but when the drink fades, I leave them in the lurch.
As soon as the weekend rolls around, and my daughter is at her dad, I get this unbearable itch to go out. Just a couple of drinks, I tell myself, home by midnight, I tell myself. Never happens.
I don't know what to do about that itch. I don't drink during the week, or on my own. Only out socially. I don't want to not be able to drink ever again, but I also just don't know when to stop. It's all or nothing when I drink. And it all too often leads to drugs.
I am considering starting yoga and making a point of going to weekend evening classes if it's weekends without my daughter. I am just on here so I have people to talk to. Some way to get help. I don't know what I need... I don't know what to do. What is my problem? Will I ever be able to have fun without getting obliterated? Do I have to stop drinking entirely or learn how to moderate?
Please help me
I know I must sound like a horrible person for putting my life at risk, and those of others on the road, for failing my daughter... I know. Trust me, I do.
I want to be better, get better and be a healthy, happy person.
I have been reading through this site all day, because I know it's time for me to do something about my problems. I just don't know if I belong on the alcohol forums, or drug addiction forums, because my problem is a mix of both. I'm leaning towards alcoholism. Maybe you can help guide me....
So I am 32 and have been drinking since I was 14. I experimented with every drug under the sun from then too. I have a daughter now, who is 10, who goes to her dad every second weekend (we are broken up, as of 8 years ago).
My issue is my reckless, embarrassing behavior when I drink. Whenever I don't have my daughter with me, I go out. I go out on my own even, I drink until I'm properly wasted, and then seek out cocaine to help sober up a bit and carry on partying. This happens almost every weekend. If it's a weekend my daughter is with me, and I want to go out and socialise and drink, I make plans for her to go to her friends for a sleepover or something.
I used to rationalise it by saying that as a single mom, all alone in the world family-wise, I need the time off. But why does my time off always have to consist of drinking?
Another issue is that all my friends drink, every social outing with friends is centered around drinking, and I have severe social anxiety so I need to drink to handle those situations. I am on SSRIs for my anxiety disorder, and have done therapy, but it prevails. I also don't have fun unless I'm drunk, and I'm not talking about one or two drinks - I'm talking about proper wasted.
The other problem is that I drive when I drink, at the time I think I'm fine, but of course it's not. I am a mother. What the hell is wrong with me? I also can't afford to drink, and yet I do.
I am seeking help because I'm tired of this now. The last three weekends I had sex in a bathroom at a club to get a bag of coke from a doorman, I stayed up for two days doing drugs with random people I don't even know, I drove drunk...
I feel sick to my stomach at the things I have done. That's not even taking into consideration that I also lead guys on when I'm drunk, because with my beer goggles on I love everyone, but when the drink fades, I leave them in the lurch.
As soon as the weekend rolls around, and my daughter is at her dad, I get this unbearable itch to go out. Just a couple of drinks, I tell myself, home by midnight, I tell myself. Never happens.
I don't know what to do about that itch. I don't drink during the week, or on my own. Only out socially. I don't want to not be able to drink ever again, but I also just don't know when to stop. It's all or nothing when I drink. And it all too often leads to drugs.
I am considering starting yoga and making a point of going to weekend evening classes if it's weekends without my daughter. I am just on here so I have people to talk to. Some way to get help. I don't know what I need... I don't know what to do. What is my problem? Will I ever be able to have fun without getting obliterated? Do I have to stop drinking entirely or learn how to moderate?
Please help me
I know I must sound like a horrible person for putting my life at risk, and those of others on the road, for failing my daughter... I know. Trust me, I do.
I want to be better, get better and be a healthy, happy person.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by wildflower70 
Your story is almost identical to mine...
Save yourself any more years of misery and quit now.
I sure wish I had at 32....
Blessings to you
Save yourself any more years of misery and quit now.
I sure wish I had at 32....
Blessings to you
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
Welcome, Jen!
It's impossible for alcoholics to moderate their drinking. Most of us here have tried endlessly to do that, and failed. Stopping drinking completely is really much easier for us.
I hope you decide to join us.
It's impossible for alcoholics to moderate their drinking. Most of us here have tried endlessly to do that, and failed. Stopping drinking completely is really much easier for us.
I hope you decide to join us.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Jen. Alcohol has been involved with bad decision in most of our lives. I'm glad you are looking to make positive change in your life. In regards to quitting cold turkey, if you do feel that you might experience withdrawals it's never a bad idea to see your doctor first to ask.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: South Africa
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Anna
Welcome, Jen!
It's impossible for alcoholics to moderate their drinking. Most of us here have tried endlessly to do that, and failed. Stopping drinking completely is really much easier for us.
I hope you decide to join us.
It's impossible for alcoholics to moderate their drinking. Most of us here have tried endlessly to do that, and failed. Stopping drinking completely is really much easier for us.
I hope you decide to join us.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
Hi, Jen. "I didn't always get in trouble when I was drinking, but every time I got in trouble, I was drinking."
Your story is very familiar to me. I couldn't quit alone. I tried. I had to go to therapy and a psychiatrist and AA before I could quit. It was work- but it was worth it. You can do this. It will be worth every effort you put into it.
Glad you're here.
Your story is very familiar to me. I couldn't quit alone. I tried. I had to go to therapy and a psychiatrist and AA before I could quit. It was work- but it was worth it. You can do this. It will be worth every effort you put into it.
Glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi Jen,
I can’t say whether you are an alcoholic or not, but what I can say is that you will breathe a lot easier if your actions follow your ethics. If you are in charge of what you say and do, then you can live a life of integrity for yourself and your daughter.
If alcohol is the reason you are no longer in charge of your choices, even if they are only twice a month, it’s time to question whether alcohol should be part of your lifestyle. If it has you having sex with people in order to get coke at the end of the night: and you are comfortable with that, then that’s your choice to make. I certainly had many years where I acted in wild, questionable and sometimes illegal ways (driving drunk comes to mind...) but said to myself, “everyone drinks and does crazy things, I’m fine with it.” And I was for a long time, until I wasn’t. The important thing to know about yourself is: did you behave like that because it’s how you are, or did you behave like that because your addictions to alcohol and drugs are running the show? If you wouldn’t do it sober, then every time you give in to your itch to go out and party, you hand the keys to alcohol and drugs. You’re no longer at the wheel.
This is, and has always been, your call to make.
I can’t say whether you are an alcoholic or not, but what I can say is that you will breathe a lot easier if your actions follow your ethics. If you are in charge of what you say and do, then you can live a life of integrity for yourself and your daughter.
If alcohol is the reason you are no longer in charge of your choices, even if they are only twice a month, it’s time to question whether alcohol should be part of your lifestyle. If it has you having sex with people in order to get coke at the end of the night: and you are comfortable with that, then that’s your choice to make. I certainly had many years where I acted in wild, questionable and sometimes illegal ways (driving drunk comes to mind...) but said to myself, “everyone drinks and does crazy things, I’m fine with it.” And I was for a long time, until I wasn’t. The important thing to know about yourself is: did you behave like that because it’s how you are, or did you behave like that because your addictions to alcohol and drugs are running the show? If you wouldn’t do it sober, then every time you give in to your itch to go out and party, you hand the keys to alcohol and drugs. You’re no longer at the wheel.
This is, and has always been, your call to make.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome.
I had similar problems when I was in my twenties mostly, but into my thirties, too
I also started drinking at fourteen, and would for the next thirty five years.
I also did every drug under the sun. Loved cocaine until I overdosed on it.
I lived the night life for twenty five of those years. I'm male with no family to worry about to stop me.
It sounds to me, and this is just my opinion, that you're headed down a very dangerous path.
How do I know? Because I lived it and crashed and burned until drinking became a very real problem.
It's addictive. It's progressive. Trust me, I know all too well. I went to a party and it didn't end for twenty five years and by then it was too late for me.
I was a full blown alcoholic. I worked in the entertainment industry so drinking was part of the culture. Drink at work drink after work. Sometimes drink before work. And the drugs.
Do you and your child a favor, and save yourself a lot of misery, and quit now.
I don't wish the last ten years of my drinking on anyone.
The party was long over, yet still I continued to drink. Now in isolation mostly.
I've been sober for over ten years now and I know of what I speak. Nothing good lays ahead for you if you continue on the path you're on.
But it's never too late to change. Part of it is maturity. I was stuck in my twenties until I hit forty. Alcohol put me in a state of suspended animation of maturity.
You should try the newcomers forum. Lots of good advice.
Best to you, and I don't mean to be harsh, it's just that I know where you're coming from and where it lead me.
I had similar problems when I was in my twenties mostly, but into my thirties, too
I also started drinking at fourteen, and would for the next thirty five years.
I also did every drug under the sun. Loved cocaine until I overdosed on it.
I lived the night life for twenty five of those years. I'm male with no family to worry about to stop me.
It sounds to me, and this is just my opinion, that you're headed down a very dangerous path.
How do I know? Because I lived it and crashed and burned until drinking became a very real problem.
It's addictive. It's progressive. Trust me, I know all too well. I went to a party and it didn't end for twenty five years and by then it was too late for me.
I was a full blown alcoholic. I worked in the entertainment industry so drinking was part of the culture. Drink at work drink after work. Sometimes drink before work. And the drugs.
Do you and your child a favor, and save yourself a lot of misery, and quit now.
I don't wish the last ten years of my drinking on anyone.
The party was long over, yet still I continued to drink. Now in isolation mostly.
I've been sober for over ten years now and I know of what I speak. Nothing good lays ahead for you if you continue on the path you're on.
But it's never too late to change. Part of it is maturity. I was stuck in my twenties until I hit forty. Alcohol put me in a state of suspended animation of maturity.
You should try the newcomers forum. Lots of good advice.
Best to you, and I don't mean to be harsh, it's just that I know where you're coming from and where it lead me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 23
Welcome Jen and I can't give you any better advice than everyone else has.. The one thing I can say is please, please don't beat yourself up the way it sounds you are and I think all of us with addiction problems do..
You asked for help, you should be so proud of yourself and anything you think you've done so horrible, I bet a lot of us have done worse
It strikes me guilt and shame is at the heart of a lot of why we drink, to escape how terrible we make ourselves feel for having a problem we don't know how to fix.
Truth is, we all lose our way sometimes and your recognizing that at such a young age and as a mom is one of the best and smartest things a person can do to get back on track.
For me, I was fortunate to be in a situation where getting sober was my most important priority, above anything else. I slept when I wanted to drink and circled every day on my calendar I stayed sober until I'd go days where I'd forget to circle it because that was just my new normal.
I've lost friends because the more sober I am, the less fun it is hanging at bars and clubs. And, you'll make new ones because not drinking showed me there's so much more to life and it's truly a blast to do things when you remember it the next morning, guilt free and everything
SR and the amazing wisdom and generous hearts of everyone here saved my life, so I think you've found the right place and best of luck!
You asked for help, you should be so proud of yourself and anything you think you've done so horrible, I bet a lot of us have done worse
It strikes me guilt and shame is at the heart of a lot of why we drink, to escape how terrible we make ourselves feel for having a problem we don't know how to fix.
Truth is, we all lose our way sometimes and your recognizing that at such a young age and as a mom is one of the best and smartest things a person can do to get back on track.
For me, I was fortunate to be in a situation where getting sober was my most important priority, above anything else. I slept when I wanted to drink and circled every day on my calendar I stayed sober until I'd go days where I'd forget to circle it because that was just my new normal.
I've lost friends because the more sober I am, the less fun it is hanging at bars and clubs. And, you'll make new ones because not drinking showed me there's so much more to life and it's truly a blast to do things when you remember it the next morning, guilt free and everything
SR and the amazing wisdom and generous hearts of everyone here saved my life, so I think you've found the right place and best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Welcome to SR, Jen. Read around the forums and gain some perspective from the members here. Only you can decide your path but perhaps the collective wisdom found here can guide you along your way. Hope to see you around the boards.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: Worcestershire, UK
Posts: 153
Hi Jen,
I'm in my late 40's now, but when I was your age, I was single and had a young son and an active social life which revolved around drinking and (not so much) drug taking. Like you, I used to get completely wasted at weekends. I also slept around and put myself into quite dangerous situations on a regular basis. I am very lucky that nothing really bad happened to me, or that I caused anything really bad to happen to a third party as a result of my drinking.
I am only recently sober, but my drinking shifted from being 'social' to being solitary. I drank every evening and rarely went out. My world became smaller and smaller and I became more and more isolated.
Notwithstanding the inevitable progression of alcoholism, I am really worried that it is pure luck that you have not had something really awful happen as a result of your obviously risky behaviour. Please stop and stay safe. If you think things are bad now, they will only get worse if you don't address things.
I'm in my late 40's now, but when I was your age, I was single and had a young son and an active social life which revolved around drinking and (not so much) drug taking. Like you, I used to get completely wasted at weekends. I also slept around and put myself into quite dangerous situations on a regular basis. I am very lucky that nothing really bad happened to me, or that I caused anything really bad to happen to a third party as a result of my drinking.
I am only recently sober, but my drinking shifted from being 'social' to being solitary. I drank every evening and rarely went out. My world became smaller and smaller and I became more and more isolated.
Notwithstanding the inevitable progression of alcoholism, I am really worried that it is pure luck that you have not had something really awful happen as a result of your obviously risky behaviour. Please stop and stay safe. If you think things are bad now, they will only get worse if you don't address things.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
For me, there were a WHOLE lot of things I was doing that I wasn't willing to live with anymore - drinking and drugs were on that list but that was really just the tip of the iceberg. I found that without drugs and booze, I'd slowly start to experience a level discomfort that would just grow and grow........until I just "had" to get loaded again.
This crazy cycle repeated over and over and over. I'd get wasted, sober up , promise myself to do better from now on, and I'd stay clean for a while (maybe for days.... sometimes for weeks). Slowly but surely though, this "pressure" would build over time - so slowly that at the time it was virtually imperceptible. But eventually, BAM, I'd explode and get loaded all over again.
I started to learn that "not drinking and not picking up the next drug" was going to be the beginning but there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that staying clean was only the beginning. Though I didn't know WHAT it was, I sensed there was SOMEthing deeper that was going to need some serious "fixing."
In my case, I learned that "something deeper" was alcoholism - a chronic condition (or disease if one believes in the diagnosis of the AMA) that effects me drinking or not drinking.....and really, it carries a bigger punch when I'm NOT drinking. Armed with this new information, I realized I was right way back when I thought about how not drinking didn't seem to be enough of a solution.
For the 1000th time, I got some clean time under my belt but more importantly, I got reeeeeeal interested in learning out how to keep that time AND actually figure out how to enjoy myself while doing so. Some ppl need to learn how to quit - I needed, unbeknownst to me, to learn how to live. I didn't know that's what I needed to learn until later.......once and during the time I was learning it.
I've found anyone and everyone can get sober and have a ball doing it..... the question is how many of us are willing to do what is necessary to enjoy that new life? Sadly, millions every year demonstrate that the status-quo is acceptable.....
This crazy cycle repeated over and over and over. I'd get wasted, sober up , promise myself to do better from now on, and I'd stay clean for a while (maybe for days.... sometimes for weeks). Slowly but surely though, this "pressure" would build over time - so slowly that at the time it was virtually imperceptible. But eventually, BAM, I'd explode and get loaded all over again.
I started to learn that "not drinking and not picking up the next drug" was going to be the beginning but there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that staying clean was only the beginning. Though I didn't know WHAT it was, I sensed there was SOMEthing deeper that was going to need some serious "fixing."
In my case, I learned that "something deeper" was alcoholism - a chronic condition (or disease if one believes in the diagnosis of the AMA) that effects me drinking or not drinking.....and really, it carries a bigger punch when I'm NOT drinking. Armed with this new information, I realized I was right way back when I thought about how not drinking didn't seem to be enough of a solution.
For the 1000th time, I got some clean time under my belt but more importantly, I got reeeeeeal interested in learning out how to keep that time AND actually figure out how to enjoy myself while doing so. Some ppl need to learn how to quit - I needed, unbeknownst to me, to learn how to live. I didn't know that's what I needed to learn until later.......once and during the time I was learning it.
I've found anyone and everyone can get sober and have a ball doing it..... the question is how many of us are willing to do what is necessary to enjoy that new life? Sadly, millions every year demonstrate that the status-quo is acceptable.....
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Jen, welcome.
There's no right or wrong place to belong at SR - it's up to you where you feel comfortable. For what it's worth, I think the distinction or segregation between people who abuse alcohol and those who abuse other drugs is an outdated notion. Sure, our ways of obtaining our preferred drug are different, but aside from that I really see no difference. Post here and/or on Newcomers and/or on any of the sub-forums - you are welcome wherever you are.
And yeah, like others have said, you haven't done anything worse than many of us have done. It really sucks to lose your (my) integrity to the effects of a mind-altering substance, but we get how that happens.
The important thing is to move forward. Glad you've joined us for that journey.
O
There's no right or wrong place to belong at SR - it's up to you where you feel comfortable. For what it's worth, I think the distinction or segregation between people who abuse alcohol and those who abuse other drugs is an outdated notion. Sure, our ways of obtaining our preferred drug are different, but aside from that I really see no difference. Post here and/or on Newcomers and/or on any of the sub-forums - you are welcome wherever you are.
And yeah, like others have said, you haven't done anything worse than many of us have done. It really sucks to lose your (my) integrity to the effects of a mind-altering substance, but we get how that happens.
The important thing is to move forward. Glad you've joined us for that journey.
O
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to the family Jen! I tried to moderate my drinking but it never worked. It was easier for me to quit altogether than to try to moderate.
I hope our support and collective wisdom can help you get and stay clean and sober for good. Stop now before something awful happens as a result. We never know when our luck will run out.
I've been sober for over 9 yrs now and my life has never been better. I have no drama in my life and I take good care of my dog and cats.
I am glad you joined us. This is a good community.
I tried to moderate my drinking but it never worked. It was easier for me to quit altogether than to try to moderate. I hope our support and collective wisdom can help you get and stay clean and sober for good. Stop now before something awful happens as a result. We never know when our luck will run out.
I've been sober for over 9 yrs now and my life has never been better. I have no drama in my life and I take good care of my dog and cats.
I am glad you joined us. This is a good community.
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,824
Welcome, Jen! For me and many others, it was a no-win situation trying to control or moderate our drinking. After nearly 30 years of denial, my drinking almost cost me my life. The only solution for me was total and unconditional surrender. That meant that I had to give up the thought of ever having even one drink ever again. That was nearly 10 years ago and today my life is completely different. Life still has it's ups and downs, but now I have the tools necessary to meet those challenges and not run and hide. In short, I went from wanting to die to wanting to live. If I can do it, anybody can!
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