SnazzyDresser

Sounds like you're whipping up all sorts of excitement and drama with drugs and alcohol right now and are starting to see the emptiness behind it but can't see a viable alternative in permanent sobriety. Not yet anyway. In your place, I might shoot for a specific number of days where you're clean; that might clear your head up enough to where you can actually think these profound life issues through.

I like your name btw, that Buddhist flava! I do 30 minutes every day of Vipassana meditation myself; those Buddhist ideas really helped me a lot in accepting the way things are and not trying to cling to old ideas about myself that weren't working.