I just can't let go of alcohol
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
diha, by all means, keep working for it. Trying does mean something. It means that you really want to quit drinking even while your actions belie that intention. I get it. I was stuck there for a really long time. I was waiting for something to happen, like something happened for Sassy and so many others around here.
In the end, there was no final dramatic moment, no life-changing event that spurred me to stop. There was just the weekend that seemed to last a month, when I faced that drinking was doing absolutely nothing for me, had completely lost its shimmer. When I saw very clearly and rationally that my depression was compounded exponentially by drinking. I didn't make a decision that I can't drink - I made a decision that I won't drink. Ever.
Do I still have the desire? Sure. But I remind myself that I don't drink because it is really bad for me - and besides that, it's my choice. It's hard sometimes, but having made the firm decision (not stubborn, not belligerent, not begrudging) helps me to put that desire aside and carry on. It's not surrender - that word has really bad connotations for me. It's not "recovery" because I don't have a previous life I want to reclaim.
I'm sitting here trying to think of what it is.
It's a choice to care, I guess, and to deal with whatever that entails without a chemical remedy. It's a choice to stop harming or punishing myself, or whatever that was. It's a choice to live life as my authentic self.
I have every confidence that you can make the same choice, for whichever compelling reason you may have.
In the end, there was no final dramatic moment, no life-changing event that spurred me to stop. There was just the weekend that seemed to last a month, when I faced that drinking was doing absolutely nothing for me, had completely lost its shimmer. When I saw very clearly and rationally that my depression was compounded exponentially by drinking. I didn't make a decision that I can't drink - I made a decision that I won't drink. Ever.
Do I still have the desire? Sure. But I remind myself that I don't drink because it is really bad for me - and besides that, it's my choice. It's hard sometimes, but having made the firm decision (not stubborn, not belligerent, not begrudging) helps me to put that desire aside and carry on. It's not surrender - that word has really bad connotations for me. It's not "recovery" because I don't have a previous life I want to reclaim.
I'm sitting here trying to think of what it is.
It's a choice to care, I guess, and to deal with whatever that entails without a chemical remedy. It's a choice to stop harming or punishing myself, or whatever that was. It's a choice to live life as my authentic self.
I have every confidence that you can make the same choice, for whichever compelling reason you may have.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I wrote quite a book, I don’t know why your post triggered my whole history with alcohol and sobriety, but, I just read my post again a couple of times, and to condense: I think I began to appreciate the knowing. The 24 hour a day knowing of myself.
One thing alcohol reliably did was remove me from myself. With that was always a fair dose of shame about who I was.
Removing alcohol from my life permanently, I’d say the best thing that’s happened is beginning to understand myself, and appreciate myself. Knowing myself.
My father recently died. We were so close, my father and I. my mom asked my brother and I to write something for the memorial. What I wrote was really a reflection of me. It was a little messy, very emotional, poetic, expressive, and filled with love and longing for my father. It was straight from my heart and so honest, just like he was.
One thing that struck me was that if I’d been drinking, that speech I wrote would have made me feel ashamed. I would have been unsure about the honesty in it or the quality of it because so many of my thoughts were driven by alcohol. So much of myself, my life, my motivations, my leisure, my interests were infected with alcohol addiction.
This speech, with all its tearful remembrance and intense emotion and real feeling was all me. I could look at it and say, “yeah that was emotional. But that’s me.” I know who I am now. It’s ok that I’m emotional. And fiery. And passionate and poetic and honest. Because I know for sure through my own expansive control group experiment Me Minus Alcohol, exactly who I am. And who I am is finally okay.
One thing alcohol reliably did was remove me from myself. With that was always a fair dose of shame about who I was.
Removing alcohol from my life permanently, I’d say the best thing that’s happened is beginning to understand myself, and appreciate myself. Knowing myself.
My father recently died. We were so close, my father and I. my mom asked my brother and I to write something for the memorial. What I wrote was really a reflection of me. It was a little messy, very emotional, poetic, expressive, and filled with love and longing for my father. It was straight from my heart and so honest, just like he was.
One thing that struck me was that if I’d been drinking, that speech I wrote would have made me feel ashamed. I would have been unsure about the honesty in it or the quality of it because so many of my thoughts were driven by alcohol. So much of myself, my life, my motivations, my leisure, my interests were infected with alcohol addiction.
This speech, with all its tearful remembrance and intense emotion and real feeling was all me. I could look at it and say, “yeah that was emotional. But that’s me.” I know who I am now. It’s ok that I’m emotional. And fiery. And passionate and poetic and honest. Because I know for sure through my own expansive control group experiment Me Minus Alcohol, exactly who I am. And who I am is finally okay.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I'm glad you brought all of this up, diha.
It's true that we can drink.
For me, that's the scary part.
Even after being sober for a good while now, the fact that I can still drink scares me.
So I keep doing exactly what I have been doing since I sought help for my alcohol problem, namely, to do as Gotta describes and throw myself into the AA program and work it as if my life depended on it.
Because it does.
And for someone who drank and got drunk almost every night for 13 years and who thought he could never get sober, it has worked and I have worked it.
But I still have a very healthy fear of drinking, so I just keep working the AA program as hard as I can.
Please stay with us and congrats on your decisions to seek help through IOP and to go to an AA meeting everyday. And to join us here on SR.
You're on the right path.
Keep us posted.
It's true that we can drink.
For me, that's the scary part.
Even after being sober for a good while now, the fact that I can still drink scares me.
So I keep doing exactly what I have been doing since I sought help for my alcohol problem, namely, to do as Gotta describes and throw myself into the AA program and work it as if my life depended on it.
Because it does.
And for someone who drank and got drunk almost every night for 13 years and who thought he could never get sober, it has worked and I have worked it.
But I still have a very healthy fear of drinking, so I just keep working the AA program as hard as I can.
Please stay with us and congrats on your decisions to seek help through IOP and to go to an AA meeting everyday. And to join us here on SR.
You're on the right path.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,643
Do a cost benefit analysis on drinking. I'll start.
Benefits:
I don't give a **** about anything.
I feel "good" about myself while I'm intoxicated.
Costs:
I **** off my dad
I hate myself when I come down
My eyes get yellow
I send stupid messages over social media and text messages
I sometimes get suicidal
I start drinking at inappropriate places and times
I risk driving
I'm miserable
I go through withdrawals
My life stagnates
I lose jobs
I end up in the ER
I don't know, but for me it seems like the costs far outweigh the benefits of getting ****** up.
Benefits:
I don't give a **** about anything.
I feel "good" about myself while I'm intoxicated.
Costs:
I **** off my dad
I hate myself when I come down
My eyes get yellow
I send stupid messages over social media and text messages
I sometimes get suicidal
I start drinking at inappropriate places and times
I risk driving
I'm miserable
I go through withdrawals
My life stagnates
I lose jobs
I end up in the ER
I don't know, but for me it seems like the costs far outweigh the benefits of getting ****** up.
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