PerSe

Hi. I'm PerSe and I'm an alcoholic.

Never actually said it before. I quit drinking in August 2014, went to a few AA meetings, stayed quit for one year, then decided I could "moderate". So I drank a few times in 2016, quickly realized I would be right back to binge drinking, so I quit again. I guess I say my "sober" date in September 1, 2016. I have never worked the steps or gotten a sponsor.

Sometimes I think about drinking again and it literally does scare me. I'm a mom of two kids married to an alcoholic (beginning divorce process) so I know I have to stay responsible and sober to raise these kids. I also know that is not the right reason to be staying sober. I also think my co-dependency has somehow filled in where drinking left off.

I read this thing from another SR forum and it scared me because I see myself in this description:

"Alcoholism is unique as a disease in that it not only hides from view – it also lies to its carrier about its presence. The person who is active in addiction has a unique choice relative to all other diseases. The alcoholic can go into remission at any time and many do. We see that alcoholics will abstain from drinking for a time to prove to themselves or others that they are not addicted, only to return later with a vengeance.

This is from an article entitled: Alcoholic Thinking - Understanding the Insanity of Alcoholism: How the Alcoholic Thinks"

A recovering alcoholic with 42 years of sobriety that I know warns me now and then about those who stop drinking and then return to it later on - how even though they were sober the alcoholism was still there, even growing stronger, so that when they drink again, it's a lot worse. It's crazy how the thought of drinking will surprise me out of nowhere, and it does really often. It surprises me when I'm having a good time - "wow, a glass of wine would make this even more fun". When I'm stressed - "a glass of wine would really be nice right now". But I know it will never be just one glass for me. And yet I still think "I wasn't really addicted... I'm not addicted." But I think I was. I think I am.

I told myself I wasn't going to post this but I'm going to as a way to record my thoughts and recognition that I need to start working a recovery program. I really don't want to go back.

dwtbd

Why not decide to pledge to yourself to make a commitment to permanent unconditional abstinence?

Then it won’t ever matter if you do think you’re an alcoholic, or not. It literally wouldn’t matter.

PerSe

dwtbd, thank you. This does make a lot of sense. I appreciate your reply and will deeply consider your suggestion.

Dee74

Hi PerSe

For me the best way to banish all that fear and uncertainty is simply to commit to not drinking.

Its not onerous

My life is great without drinking, I have no reasons - rational or otherwise - to go backwards

D

Free2bme888

Welcome per se.

Sober is the new healthy. Believe it. Know you deserve to be free: it CAN work. It does work: ‘It’ being your soul.

IT Being YOU.

AA HELPS SOME. AVRT HELPS SOME. REHAB HELPS SOME. BUT NO ONE SAVES US. NO ONE PROGRAM IS IT. ITS OURS.

Make a plan. Make a decision.

Read here a LOT.

WE WILL WELCOME YOUR THOUGHTS AND SUPPORT TOO😍

kinzoku

Some good advice here, I can't contribute much but I think the idea of commiting yourself, a pledge, whatever it is, is good.

Guener

You have a good amount of time under your belt, Per Se, and you clearly are giving a great deal of thought to where you are now in big areas of your life.

As somebody who has another chronic disease beyond alcoholism, I relate well to the idea of remission. At least that is where I see my phase of recovery at this early time. I live by the principle of not picking up, ever, because it will certainly make me seriously more ill than I already have been, but compared to just taking medication regularly and watching my diet carefully, I find alcohol a tricky beast to manage. The mind, my mind, my own thoughts and experiences inform my day in a more complicated way for me than some basic things like dealing with Crohn's Disease. I'm still working it out, but I feel so much better in remission that I go for longer periods of time of ease in recovery.

Stress is a malefactor in all of my medical conditions, and I try to manage it every day. Fear of drinking again is certainly a big one when it comes to duress, so I applaud you in recognizing that you need to do something, again, more. Some stress helps us to make proper decisions, drinking just destroys it completely for the alcoholic.

I don't know if this was helpful or not, but it's where I sit.

Obladi

Hi PerSe,

It's very brave of you to face these thoughts head on. Dealing with divorce and the prospect of raising your children alone are mighty big stressors; it seems natural to me that your brain would want to suggest drinking as a good option. But you already know that's a terrible idea.

I'm glad you're here.

O

Hawkeye13

It does get worse if you pick up again--like you never stopped.

I stopped nearly two years, and when I relapsed, I managed to moderate for awhile but so quickly it escalated, and my body's response to alcohol, and the progression of the addiction was worse than when I had quit nearly two years before. No grace period.

Your kids need you sober, especially during this transition.
You need you sober during this transition.

DriGuy

Absolutely a great plan! The graveyards are littered with alcoholics who believed they could go back to drinking. I have a friend who quit for one year just to prove he wasn't an alcoholic, and on his anniversary date of one year, he took it up again with a vengeance. Would a normie quit for a year to prove he wasn't an alcoholic? I don't know, but something tells me that needing to prove something to yourself should be a red flag. I'm adverse to labeling another person as an alcoholic, so let me just say, that guy lost a job because of it, almost lost a marriage because of it, and still drinks like a fish. And I'll let that go now.

But the point is (finally), I can't agree more with the consensus opinion that says, alcoholics can never drink sensibly, no matter how long they can stay sober. More importantly, why do you as an about to be single mother need to drink anyway, even if you were a normie? What possible benefit would this provide to you in your situation? I also believe anyone can be fine and responsible without ever having a drop of the stuff.

I wish you the best, and I can't underscore more strongly how I think you are on the right track. You have absolutely nailed the description of alcoholism. Proving that you are not an alocholic is a dangerous game and has no real upside in the long run.

Gettingcloser

I think this is a very relative post to people with a good amount of sober time under their belt. I will be one year in May and I have also had moments of being frightened that I could just slip quietly back into drinking.
I am once again very grateful for this site which has educated and reminded me what could potentially happen if I was to try it again.
I guess the thing is, although I am so much happier with my life and so glad not to have to fight the alcohol demon anymore, life still does go on and sometimes it occurs to me that alcohol was a true escape and I loved disappearing for awhile.
Drinking for me is not an option and I am actually very grateful for the extremely harsh circumstances waiting for me if I do drink because sometimes I think that if I was still able to drink I would still be struggling to keep every thing together as I lived in the world of the "functioning alcoholic".

PerSe

ScottFromWI

I'm glad you are here too PerSe. I had the same issue with my drinking where I kept leaving a crack open for drinking in the future. I tried every possible form of "moderation" there is - and made up some of my own too.

And like some others have alluded to, the thing that really set me free was the acceptance that i'm simply not able to drink alcohol without consequence. Whether you call it alcoholism, addiction, AV, or anything else the simple fact is that if I drink, bad things will happen. And no amount of abstinence will ever change that - I could stay abstinent for 20 years and if I chose to then drink i would still suffer the same negative consequences.

The good news is that after you get some time under your belt sober, you'll realize that life is far better minus alcohol anyway. Your health ( both mental and physical ), your relationships, your ability to deal with life in general - all of those things will improve.

Gottalife

It is not unusual for folks with a good period of dry time to realise a program is a good idea. Deciding to never drink again is a very sane thing to do also, if you can carry it off.

But the book title mentions "the insanity of alcoholism" How does that work ? The decision never to drink again, perhaps based on a truck load of evidence that this is the only sane course, is easily pushed aside by the insane idea that some how, this time will be different. The insane idea wins out.

Some experience. Around thirteen years ago my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She had about two years to live and required nursing from me. In addition I had two children to raise, and a business that had run into a difficult patch. Through that entire period, it never occurred once to me to take a drink. Instead I reacted sanely and normally and did the things that needed to be done.

I was and had been active in a program of recovery right through, but not in a big way for obvious reasons. I had taken all 12 steps many years earlier and continued to practice them in all my affairs best I could. The drink problem had long been removed as promised. I maintained that state of affairs by attending my home group once a week, and sponsoring another alcoholic which took up a little bit of weekend time. That is all.

I know many believe they can get away with less and perhaps they can. I know one lady with 25 years who thought that, and when she was faced with the same situation, her husband was diagnosed, she drank immediately. We really don't know how good our plan is until we hit one of those inevitable low spots, and then it is either good enough or too late.

I think your idea of pursuing a recovery plan is wise.

SnazzyDresser

This is dead on, and the highlighted portion gets right to the heart of it all. This is what really counts for me, the simple fact, not the label attached. Very well put, Scott!

silentrun

Recommitting to sobriety is one of the things that is supposed to help people stay well long term. I have weird thoughts every now and then but I just confront them like I always have. I also think about where I would be now if I hadn't been successful in breaking free. I'm especially glad I am present to be a mom. Can you imagine what situation you and your kids would be in right now if not for you taking that step when you did. Those are the things I focus on when those ideas try sneaking into my head. Look what we'd be giving up.

JeffreyAK

I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago, and I wondered if that would be the trigger that would lead me to want to drink after 8 years sober, but the opposite thing happened - it firmed up my resolve, and convinced me that nothing would "make" me drink, I would have to make a deliberate choice knowing all the negative consequences that would arise. We can move past alcohol forever, and I'm now sure I have, but I don't think we can move past alcoholism. In my case I didn't need more than the knowledge that one drink would send me back to hell, to keep me away from it to the point that the desire for that one drink went away, and it did. We can do it.

lessgravity

Any time I have anything close to this kind of thought I find myself using that old beginner's technique of playing out the tape. I know what follows after a glass or two - a decent into suffering, anxiety, pain and shame. All I have to do is actually imagine the next steps I would take and the desire for that drink fades. Because drinking never was what it is for those who can take it or leave it. It never really "relaxed me", at least not at the end. It was a source of almost existential suffering.

Your sobriety time is impressive - and I really thank you for the thoughtful post.

Lpg

Love this

SoberCAH

Great post and thoughts.

For me, I went into the doors of a treatment center, they took me to AA and I have worked the program without having had a drink for a good while now.

I turn to God and AA, in that order, everyday, and it works for me.

Incidentally, I had a friend relapse after ~ 29-30 years in 2018 and it was really bad.

It got my attention as something to avoid at all costs.