'till the shadows and the lights were one
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
'till the shadows and the lights were one
Three days.
How many Mondays have I said 'three days'?
How many promises have I broken to myself after THAT Friday when I just can't stop and I wake up knowing that I've hurt people I love and I wake up feeling my own mortality in my hardened liver and my soul feels like a sewer and life is the last thing I want any longer..
How many more 'three days' can I weather?
How many ******** promises can I stand to remember?
Start small siamcat.. turn three days into 30.. that's all I want here. 30 days to start.. something other than debauching myself once a week forever.
I want to drink today, because I feel horribly depressed about drinking too much on Friday. I want to drink today because I see no way to earn enough to pay off my debts before I'm retired. I want to drink today because I want to FEEL something other than THIS.
Day three.
Comments welcome.
How many Mondays have I said 'three days'?
How many promises have I broken to myself after THAT Friday when I just can't stop and I wake up knowing that I've hurt people I love and I wake up feeling my own mortality in my hardened liver and my soul feels like a sewer and life is the last thing I want any longer..
How many more 'three days' can I weather?
How many ******** promises can I stand to remember?
Start small siamcat.. turn three days into 30.. that's all I want here. 30 days to start.. something other than debauching myself once a week forever.
I want to drink today, because I feel horribly depressed about drinking too much on Friday. I want to drink today because I see no way to earn enough to pay off my debts before I'm retired. I want to drink today because I want to FEEL something other than THIS.
Day three.
Comments welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 292
...because if you drink today, you'll probably want to drink tomorrow. And if you drink tomorrow, you'll probably want to drink on Wednesday, and so on...at a certain point, you have to draw a line in the sand and stick with it, If it was easy, everybody would do it. But if it were impossible, nobody would do it, and that's clearly not the case.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
The anxiety, self-loathing, fear begins to abate if you can get those first weeks.
It won't feel as bad as it does right now when you are rinse / repeating drinking weekly.
It's like you rip the scab off your soul once a week.
Everything, and I mean everything, can change if you get out of your own way and get sober--
When light enters, shadows flee.
It won't feel as bad as it does right now when you are rinse / repeating drinking weekly.
It's like you rip the scab off your soul once a week.
Everything, and I mean everything, can change if you get out of your own way and get sober--
When light enters, shadows flee.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I want to drink today, because I feel horribly depressed about drinking too much on Friday. I want to drink today because I see no way to earn enough to pay off my debts before I'm retired. I want to drink today because I want to FEEL something other than THIS.
Drinking will solve nothing and you know it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
It's like you rip the scab off your soul once a week.
Thanks for the support.
Hi Dee.. glad to see you are still around here. I was under the impression that this forum ceased to exist many many years ago.. didn't we all get letters to that effect? Or was it a conspiracy to get rid of me perhaps? .. hmm
Three days, four days, even two weeks means nothing to me. I'm a reaction drinker. Binge drinker is the popular term I guess but reaction drinker is more accurate. When I need to balance my ups or my downs I drink. I have a lot of ups and a lot of downs.
I find it really distracting to type with animated emojis just under my words.. is there a way to.. move that? Stop them? STILL them at least? Please let me know if you know so I'll know and you'll know that I know that you know just so you know.
I'm not quite awake today I'm not quite sure if this is the right place to post a sort of processing diary of my confused whining.. it doesn't all have to do with alcohol but alcohol is the answer when the questions don't make enough sense or when they are too poignant to process or when they are just so hard and cold and imposing that I cower into myself and NEED that softness.. that courageous therapy of a drug, a drink.. just a little (I think) but never never never really.
Sometimes my thoughts don't make sense and I haven't written in so long and it's humiliating .. very humiliating to try to process anything in print and then codify it forever.. I was surprised sober recover still existed but am amazed that all the old content was kept and TERRIFIED to go read anything I wrote ten years ago.. so I won't.. ever.. I'll leave that to others to judge me (hopefully) silently because I'm not stable enough right now to judge me AT ALL and I'll run away from all this and keep back in the dark where it's safe without help or words or light.
But I can't do that anymore because I'm at a crossroads and I'm slipping again and I have more at stake these days and I'm old now and I'm broke now and I'm stuck now and if my car dies (which it will) I'm screwed now and drinking is emotional atrophy on the way to death and I am no longer willing to die though I'm sorry for that too sometimes.. I can't leave her, I can't leave my chance, I can't miss the circus..
Please someone tell me how to quiet those incessant emoji's.. I can't focus.. help.. please.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi siamcat,
I don't know how to silence the emojis, but there is a corner in the lower right hand side of the text window you can drag down so that you won't see those guys while you're typing.
This is a fine place for you to write a diary - I do so myself and find it useful to post at least once daily, better yet if it's twice. You write wonderfully. I don't think it's a skill that can be lost, not really. It might feel awkward, but it doesn't come out that way at all. I can relate to your terror considering reading past posts. I kind of feel the same way, so I don't. What's really odd to me is that I've never been able to keep a paper diary for the same reason (and also for fear of people reading it), but somehow it's ok here.
I know well how the ups and downs of life become inextricably intertwined with drinking. It's a knotty muddle of spaghetti. I think you know the trick is to pull out the drinking strand and separate it from the rest of the mess. It seemed like a completely impossible mission to me until just very recently, but I assure you it can be done. And I'm glad you're here.
O
I don't know how to silence the emojis, but there is a corner in the lower right hand side of the text window you can drag down so that you won't see those guys while you're typing.
This is a fine place for you to write a diary - I do so myself and find it useful to post at least once daily, better yet if it's twice. You write wonderfully. I don't think it's a skill that can be lost, not really. It might feel awkward, but it doesn't come out that way at all. I can relate to your terror considering reading past posts. I kind of feel the same way, so I don't. What's really odd to me is that I've never been able to keep a paper diary for the same reason (and also for fear of people reading it), but somehow it's ok here.
I know well how the ups and downs of life become inextricably intertwined with drinking. It's a knotty muddle of spaghetti. I think you know the trick is to pull out the drinking strand and separate it from the rest of the mess. It seemed like a completely impossible mission to me until just very recently, but I assure you it can be done. And I'm glad you're here.
O
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Siamcat, I can feel your pain, I really can. I still remember feeling so low and hopeless and ashamed. But, you can get past this. You don't have to figure out how to pay off your debts today, or how to solve your other problems. Stay sober, get through the day, and tomorrow will be a bit better. Things will begin to make sense to you.
As Dee said, we've never closed. We're always here and always open.
As Dee said, we've never closed. We're always here and always open.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Hi siam;
How are you doing?
Past doesn't matter. It isn't a problem unless you invoke it into your present moment.
Don't do that and it isn't a problem.
What can you do right now, in the only real time you have, to help yourself get free of the booze and back into your L/ life?
Ruminating about the future won't take you there any faster or better--debt and stress are things I've lived with / live with my whole life. My worry never fixed it.
Finding peace and taking action are the only things that work.
Sobriety was by the far the most essential and important step I've taken to improve my future.
Somehow, aligning with what is, and not obsessing about what isn't, or the mistakes I've made, seems to have an overall positive effect on the future.
Don't know how that is, but maybe it has something to do with resistance?
Using energy to not feel is harder than feeling fully all you are avoiding, in small increments perhaps at first, and the feelings disperse in the light of your conscious attention.
Sounds like NewAge claptrap perhaps, but it works. I am pragmatic and appreciate efficiency and results.
Take your 30 days with no quarter for drink.
I did that, except I said six months as I knew it would take time to heal the body and mind and get acclimated to sobriety past the cravings.
That works too.
Please post and let us know how you are--
How are you doing?
Past doesn't matter. It isn't a problem unless you invoke it into your present moment.
Don't do that and it isn't a problem.
What can you do right now, in the only real time you have, to help yourself get free of the booze and back into your L/ life?
Ruminating about the future won't take you there any faster or better--debt and stress are things I've lived with / live with my whole life. My worry never fixed it.
Finding peace and taking action are the only things that work.
Sobriety was by the far the most essential and important step I've taken to improve my future.
Somehow, aligning with what is, and not obsessing about what isn't, or the mistakes I've made, seems to have an overall positive effect on the future.
Don't know how that is, but maybe it has something to do with resistance?
Using energy to not feel is harder than feeling fully all you are avoiding, in small increments perhaps at first, and the feelings disperse in the light of your conscious attention.
Sounds like NewAge claptrap perhaps, but it works. I am pragmatic and appreciate efficiency and results.
Take your 30 days with no quarter for drink.
I did that, except I said six months as I knew it would take time to heal the body and mind and get acclimated to sobriety past the cravings.
That works too.
Please post and let us know how you are--
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,670
Siam- your articulate narrative shows you have smarts. I too struggled with the how's and why's of my drinking. My story- in all it's hellish glory is well documented elsewhere @ SR. I was past the point of no return, quite literally.
I had no such awareness as you do of my behavior or it's consequences- I drank to oblivion...a living death.
Use whatever resources you have, use you imagination- force yourself to try different ways of keeping a good recovery- meetings, local community centre support groups, or coffee mornings, or church, or a counsellor-doctor-psychologist-mindful meditation, art, walking, volunteering with animals...anything to join humans, to distract- to change and heal.
Journal writing is cathartic too.
My support to you.
Post lots and join lots of threads.
I had no such awareness as you do of my behavior or it's consequences- I drank to oblivion...a living death.
Use whatever resources you have, use you imagination- force yourself to try different ways of keeping a good recovery- meetings, local community centre support groups, or coffee mornings, or church, or a counsellor-doctor-psychologist-mindful meditation, art, walking, volunteering with animals...anything to join humans, to distract- to change and heal.
Journal writing is cathartic too.
My support to you.
Post lots and join lots of threads.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by siamcat
Three days.
I want to drink today, because *
I want to drink today, because *
"I want to drink today, for many reasons, but I am not going to. "
I like that sentence better. We think the drink long before we take the drink. A fundamental change in thinking is needed; all the "because" reasons are put there by your AV, and it's lying to you. Tell it who's boss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Unknown
Posts: 122
I put on my shoes twice.
I walked down to my car once.
Sat inside.
Got back out.
Leaned against my hood and smoked a cigarette.
Looked at the soupy sky and tried not to weep.
But I came back inside.
I took my shoes off.
I sat down alone and felt horrible and proud and terrified.
I win tonight. But I don't want to. I want to drink. I need to .. something. There's nothing else.. no other something.. nothing else but THIS which SUCKS and HURTS and ACHES and I ******* HATE IT.
Tylenol PM.. my last drug.. better than nothing.. if I sleep then my body is safe at least. My dreams never leave me alone and my mind is tortured every night I wake up exhausted and confused and hurting.. another thing drinking helps with.
I don't know.
Thanks to all who left words for me. I read them and appreciate them. I'm not in a place to react right now, I barely have enough energy to write. They mean the world and help me. I almost put on my shoes a third time tonight.. but I came here instead. I read the words that were left. It gave me strength.. it reminded me of who I want to be.
Thank you.
I walked down to my car once.
Sat inside.
Got back out.
Leaned against my hood and smoked a cigarette.
Looked at the soupy sky and tried not to weep.
But I came back inside.
I took my shoes off.
I sat down alone and felt horrible and proud and terrified.
I win tonight. But I don't want to. I want to drink. I need to .. something. There's nothing else.. no other something.. nothing else but THIS which SUCKS and HURTS and ACHES and I ******* HATE IT.
Tylenol PM.. my last drug.. better than nothing.. if I sleep then my body is safe at least. My dreams never leave me alone and my mind is tortured every night I wake up exhausted and confused and hurting.. another thing drinking helps with.
I don't know.
Thanks to all who left words for me. I read them and appreciate them. I'm not in a place to react right now, I barely have enough energy to write. They mean the world and help me. I almost put on my shoes a third time tonight.. but I came here instead. I read the words that were left. It gave me strength.. it reminded me of who I want to be.
Thank you.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
siamcat,
Good job on the shoes! I've done the same sort of thing (not this time around, but before), clear up to walking into the liquor store then walking right out again. Your way is better. Just don't go.
Yeah, this sucks and hurts and aches. There's no getting around it. But there is getting through, and when measured against the time spent desperately and despondently drinking, it's a drop in the bucket. Even when the day feels a week long and the minutes crawl like hours.
Dreams are crazy weird and disturbing during detox. It gets better. I used to think drinking helped me to sleep, but after the fact I realize that it was actually making my sleep total crap. Nowadays I might only sleep 5-6 hours, but it's straight through (!) and I wake up rested. Go figure.
Keep coming here.
Keep writing.
And keep the shoes off!
O
Good job on the shoes! I've done the same sort of thing (not this time around, but before), clear up to walking into the liquor store then walking right out again. Your way is better. Just don't go.
Yeah, this sucks and hurts and aches. There's no getting around it. But there is getting through, and when measured against the time spent desperately and despondently drinking, it's a drop in the bucket. Even when the day feels a week long and the minutes crawl like hours.
Dreams are crazy weird and disturbing during detox. It gets better. I used to think drinking helped me to sleep, but after the fact I realize that it was actually making my sleep total crap. Nowadays I might only sleep 5-6 hours, but it's straight through (!) and I wake up rested. Go figure.
Keep coming here.
Keep writing.
And keep the shoes off!
O
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hi siamcat,
no words of wisdom here, though i can say that terrified and proud sounds right to me....”right”as in “ usual”.
the emojis would keep me away if i had them jumping in my sight. but i don’t. so just did an experiment as i never see them.
result of experiment: they show up when i tap/click on “post quick reply” or “go advanced”, which i never do.
if i do my usual, i.e. just tap or click inside the reply box, i can just start writing on the plain page. and then click “post quick reply” when done.
see if that works for you.
way to go on hanging in there and coming back.
got any real life folks available to call or connect with for support?
no words of wisdom here, though i can say that terrified and proud sounds right to me....”right”as in “ usual”.
the emojis would keep me away if i had them jumping in my sight. but i don’t. so just did an experiment as i never see them.
result of experiment: they show up when i tap/click on “post quick reply” or “go advanced”, which i never do.
if i do my usual, i.e. just tap or click inside the reply box, i can just start writing on the plain page. and then click “post quick reply” when done.
see if that works for you.
way to go on hanging in there and coming back.
got any real life folks available to call or connect with for support?
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