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I had stopped counting... Now dragging my brother down with me



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I had stopped counting... Now dragging my brother down with me

Old 03-26-2019, 07:59 PM
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I had stopped counting... Now dragging my brother down with me

How do you ever get to deal with the fact that youíre an absolute piece of ****? I know for a fact that I donít know how to.

I had decided to stop drinking for good and followed that decision fairly well, except that I picked up smoking weed to help with the drinking ( no need to tell me how stupid that is... I knew, I had read about it and still decided to do it ).

Fast forward to one year later, weed got legal in my country, and itís as easy to buy it as if it was alcohol. My mom, altough being the one with whom I smoked for the second time in my whole life and the one who thaught me how to roll joints, hadnít been a frequent weed smoker for years until I actually picked up the habit, after which she started smoking daily. She used to smoke hash all the time when she was a young adult so I know that at least a part of it all is her own fault, but I still feel bad that my own smoking triggered her relapse. Itís not like weed is gonna kill her, but itís just sad to see her liking not being herself above everything else.

Then I noticed that my brother started drinking an awful lot, much like I used to... And instead of trying to help him what did I do... Expressed my worries to a friend we have in common, while I secretly picked up the bottle again. How hypocritical.

My boyfriend is getting suspicious, and Iím scared that all the elders at work who already have a good idea of the addict that I am will eventually find out for good, leaving me no place to hide inbetween being drunk, high, being hangover and having panic attacks.

Itís so weird. The boat is sinking, and no one is even acknowledging that thereís water in here. Not even me.

Itís gotten to a point where itís like I donít know any other way.

Iím exhausted.
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Old 03-26-2019, 08:18 PM
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You could just stop, yeah? Sounds like you like yourself better without the baggage of being a slave to the buzz.

It sounds like youíd like to see others without their baggage too ,yeah?

Your guilt(undeserved) is a manifestation of the addiction trying convince you arenít worth being free of It.

Itís a lie , you know that too ,yeah? You know you worth every bit of being free of the slavish devotion to the buzz.

Break the illusion of the lie , show the addiction who is boss. Break the illusion that says the buzz , any buzz ever, is worth more than being the you you can and deserve to be .
Rootin for ya
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Old 03-27-2019, 05:10 AM
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Welcome back UU2. I think just like you know why picking up the pot was a bad idea, you know what the solution is - and in turn the answer to your question.

Most of us got to a point where our drinking/using became exhausting and overwhelming, and all the lies that came along with it.

Bottom line though, there is a solution and it's 100% your choice/responsibility to make it. It won't be easy and you will have to do things you don't want to do to get there - but the rewards far outweighs the initial hard times. So yeah - do you want to grab a life jacket? There's a whole rack full of them right here on SR.
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Old 03-27-2019, 08:29 AM
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Uno,
what will you do when there is no place left to hide?
and i wonder if that is what you are waiting for, thinking /hoping it might "force" you into some kind of action?
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Old 03-27-2019, 09:38 AM
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Decisions are hard

Support is a have to for me- counselling, GP, meetings and SR

Support to you.
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Old 03-27-2019, 03:38 PM
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If you have the power, just stop, and that's all there is to it.

If, like me, you lost the power of choice, then to paraphrase the AA book, "you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer."

Sure enough fixed me. I lacked the power so I got connected to a greater Power which solved the problem.
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Old 03-27-2019, 04:59 PM
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Good advice here UU.

If you're in a deep hole but you'e still digging and others you love are starting to dig their own holes...stop digging man.

D
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:33 PM
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Uno, how are things with you?
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