Stayingsassy

This morning I found a bunch of expired Antabuse. It was in a drawer I use almost all the time, in a desk where I often work at home. I don’t know why today, after so much time without a drink, it suddenly occurred to me that I could throw it out.

I’ve used expired Antabuse in the past and it always still did its job, never failed to remind me what its job was every time I drank again.

I tossed the Antabuse in the trash. Suddenly had a huge smile on my face, and the freedom? Oh, the freedom. I wish that feeling of freedom for every single person trying to quit on this entire site. Once you feel it: and believe me, if I can feel it, you can too...you will know exactly what it means to have moments where your heart opens up like that and you realize all that darkness is simply behind you. Something that hounded you for decades and wouldn’t let you rest, wouldn’t let you breathe....is gone.

Keep at it. Even if it’s the hundredth time you’ve tried, if you make it this time, it’s worth it.

Don’t give up on yourself. Blessings.

AAPJ

I found the second half of your post to be incredibly inspiring. The first half was pretty good too …. but this is pure gold for me. Thanks!

Stubbs16

I really needed this post sassy. Thanks so much for the encouragement.

Stayingsassy

Reading around, thinking about some of the relapses and struggles here.

Seems to come down to a couple of things. One, that people think maybe they can safely drink again. I ask: what makes drinking so attractive that trying it is even necessary? I have the same thoughts sometimes, I think: well, it’s been a good long time. Maybe a beer or two....but my next thought is always, Nope, I’d rather not feel drunk, and I’d rather not start it up again. I guess I lost the desire to be drunk. I’m not having an easy time, either. I’d say I’m having one of the hardest times I’ve ever had in my life, but I don’t want to drink. I don’t know why I don’t want to, but others do. Second; people think it’s something fun they are missing out on, I spent a lot of time over the past year and a half basically just trying to focus on what I hated about it, instead of what I liked. I find sometimes I can make myself like something, or hate something, if my thoughts stay focused in one direction. So far that seems to be the case with drinking. I know it sounds simplistic. In a way though, just not picking up at drink is one of the simplest things you can do. You don’t pick up a drink. You figure out what you’ll do instead.

It is a bland thing, the idea of drinking. All the passion and energy and desire for it is gone. It’s now just a beverage.

Helianthus

I'm so very happy for you Sassy (or should that be Gassy? )

Gottalife

I rmember a similar experience Part of my going to any lengths involved taking antabuse. At the 90 day mark// step 9 mark, there had been a big change. The drinking had become redundant and so had the antabuse. I felt like I was on solid spiritual ground when the antabuse went out. Turned out to be true.

It was great to be able to stay sober by doing something new rather than trying not to do something old.

BullDog777

This is the part of the illness that I think makes it all so deadly.

even the Big Book of AA touches upon it.." The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

That was me too. I'm not even sure I wanted to be able to control it, I just wanted to stop paying for it physically, spiritually and mentally.

It cannot be done. Not one of us can or ever will but many will die trying.

When you realize that, and then put into action the effort it takes to recover and then you lose the obsession and compulsion, that is a freedom that is hard to describe.

Great thread Sassy.

willetskillet01

Stayingsassy

Yep. I realize that it would never be “drinking.” It would be, from day one: a “program of drinking.”

Normal people have a drink. Alcoholics plan, obsess, try to control, or just all out give in to drinking. It’s either “controlled drinking,” “failed controlled drinking,” or “all out day, night and every day drinking.” Day one: drink two beers. Day 2: well I’m not supposed to drink today but yesterday only had two, so I’m fine...drink 8 beers. Day 3: ah hell, i don’t care anymore. Drink 8 beers and switch to gin and tonics. Day 4: sh1t, sh1t, sh1t!! I’m in the hole again. I don’t think I can get out right now. I’ll quit when things get bad enough, I don’t feel like trying to get sober all over again, plus there’s that party on Friday...”. Day 5: “ok here’s how it will go. Drink tonight only at the party. Then go five days without alcohol. Then have drinks again next Friday. And then never drink two days in a row. Just stick to the plan.....”. Day 6: well I’m already in my cups and it’s not happening so eff it. I’ll drink until I hit bottom again......


I can’t remember a time when I ever just “had a drink.”

I was always on a program of drinking.


Anyone here who can honestly say that they casually, intuitively drank before quitting, sure: maybe you can go back.

But alcoholics never go back to drinking. They go back to “the program.”

No thanks, no, no, no, not ever, I don’t miss one thing about the drinking program. On day one I said “never again” and on my 18th month I say “never again” and on my 20th year I will say “never again.” It’s over. I challenge anyone to tell me it doesn’t work to decide you will never drink again. It’s the only thing that’s worked for me.

Arpeggioh

Oh, that's absolute gold for me right now! Two years "sober" next week, and unhappy with myself. Most of my life has been quitting things, and whatever void those things were trying to fill, just keeps getting bigger.

Crap: "Recovery." Dammit!

Thanks, Mike
Arp (aka another Mike)

Kaneda8888

Hey SS

Absolutely agree with you on two observations which for me are really important.

Firstly is freedom. Isnt it fantastic !!! When folks talk about being free, this is what instantly comes to mind. I am free from the obsession, free from feeling shame, guilt and remorse, free to express my feelings, free from my self-absorption, and free from self-doubt that drinking created.

Secondly, I have lost the desire to drink. Alcohol doesnt arouse any passion, energy, excitement, anticipation. Looking at a row of wine bottles arouses as much emotion in me as a row of forks (sorry, fork lovers). There is simply nothing inside me when I look at a glass of wine/beer/alcohol.

Of course, it wasnt like that at the beginning but its where I am at now. I know I have to be vigilant and also never forget the past.

Thanks for the post !

Stayingsassy

Thanks for the confirmation...good for folks to know it’s not just me talking out my a**....it’s a true thing. It takes a loooooot of time. A lot. But if you just don’t pick up a drink, you’ll get there.

dafunbra

I found some antabuse a few weeks ago. I don't know if it was expired or not, I didn't check the date. I was one of the few people who could take antabuse, drink while taking it and not get sick. I remember being so depressed that I wasn't getting sick! I think I was around 10 weeks sober when I found it. So glad I don't need something like that today. The second half of your post was truly inspiring.

Stayingsassy

I think that’s the whole job in sobriety though. Acknowledge the void. Fill it in ways that actually fill you.....and don’t just leave you empty afterward.

Stayingsassy

Think about the madness of this. Taking the time to get a pill to violently stop you from drinking because you believe in your heart that you can’t stop yourself from drinking.

I changed the belief. I just kept telling myself I had a new belief until one day it was there.

Congrats on doing that same thing for yourself.

FindingMyNext

I used to take Zantac for the heartburn, which caused constipation so I took Duralax, which flared up my hemmeroids, so I used PrepH and Advil, which made me thirsty so I drank piles of PowerAid Zero, which is packed with artificial sweeteners (because I didn't want the calories of real sugar--never mind the calories I sucked down in vodka) which gave me terrible headaches, so I took Advil, which gave me stomachaches, so more heartburn, so more Zantac.

So I took Lexapro because I was in such a miserable cycle of discomfort and depression.

All madness.

Stayingsassy

True story: I regularly kept a bottle of jack daniels, a rocks glass, and a bottle of Maalox on my nightstand. I wish I’d taken a pic of it, honestly. “With this bottle I corrode my entire GI tract, then with this bottle I coat it with medicine.” Um. What?

You’re not alone with the med chasing. Funny how I haven’t needed a heartburn medication ONCE since quitting even though I have ongoing food/diet issues, too.

Lautca

That was a concern for me about fifteen years into sobriety. I had two teeth pulled with infection going into the tooth roots, and they were painful before the oral surgery was done. My dentist gave me a prescription for hydrocodone, and I thought I'd tough it out with over-the-counter ibuprofen, but when the local anesthetic began to wear off, it was an immediate trip to the pharmacy and sobriety be damned, I was in incredible pain. I took the opiate medication as prescribed, and as in my past experience with opiates, I got a sense of extremely pleasant but mild euphoria that lasted about an hour. When the pain began to return, I took another dose. I didn't need to take all the tablets in the prescription, so I kept them. Over the last several years, I have also been prescribed hydrocodone for two damaged lumbar discs, and it has never triggered any desire to drink.

Now that is just me, and don't anyone dare use my experience as an excuse to tempt fate! The way that opiates make me feel is totally different from alcohol, and I much prefer alcohol over opiates. As of this evening, I'm on day 7810 of sobriety, and I'm not going to do anything to jeopardize that. That's over 21 years.

I suppose in the eyes of some, ANYTHING, including a prescribed opiate to relieve very real pain, constitutes "falling off the wagon". To those who believe that, well, gosh, all I can say is I hope you can continue to live a pain-free life in your Ivory Tower.

Stayingsassy

There’s treatment for physical pain, and that is often opioids. Sometimes they have to be used.

It’s different than using it for emotional pain or to feed an addiction.

Of course a recovered addict should use them as little as possible and preferably under the supervision of a non addict.

Lautca

Hi Stayingsassy, congratulations for hanging in there since 9/25/17!

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I'm sure it will help some of us who have, and will, wrestle with contemplating how to handle some kinds of prescription medications that have the potential to be psychotropic or alcohol replacements. Whether to use them, keep them, or throw them out.

One of the things I figured out about alcoholics and other addicts is that we come in as many kinds as there are of us. It is NOT a one-size-fits-all problem to gain the upper hand of.

Lautca