zjw

I found a part time job. it doesnt pay much but we need the money. at the same time i run my own business and have 6 kids etc.. busy life. like i barely get things accomplished. well I dont get things accomplished a lot falls by the wayside to be honest.

But i agreed to take this job 20-25 hours a week. since I agreed i've been freaking out trying to figure out how to handle things. I'm working later trying to get a jump on stuff. i'm ignoreing my kids more and more. just no time at all for them. I'm realizing i take this job I really wont have time.

in th emiddle of all this juggling i'm making a lot of mistakes big improtant ones and things are piling up. I know it will only get worse. there are things i can only do during certain hours of the day and they GOTTA get done. but i'll be at this new job and unable to do them.

I feel horrible. I gotta make money we are up against it. I dont want to call this new job and tell them sorry i cant do this. But i'm not sure what else to do.

I'm only a few days in and my lifes already getting worse. I think i bit off more then i can chew.

Take the job dont take the job I still cant afford the bills. But of course every little bit helps and it would help.

Im waisting precious time even posting here. but i need some input.

biminiblue

I have a lot on my own plate right now too. I keep telling myself it is going to work out. One way or another it will.

Run.

Then go run.

Bethany57

zjw- i don't have an answer for you. Just know that I am going to pray for you today to make the right decision. You have a lot on your plate.

zjw

you always say the right thing bimini. I did manage to agree only to hours that would enable me to sitll run or so I hoped. Becasue I know without that i'll really be toast.

biminiblue

There are a lot of web pages about anxiety and fear and how to overcome them in the moment.

I like this one because it has practical things I can do anywhere, any time:

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-steps-...feel-peaceful/

zjw

this means so stinking much to me. My situations bleak at best but I just try to feed myself a steady flow of positive talk course I cant send smiley faces to the mortgage.


Theres a lot here. I agreed to this on one hand to please other people ( I know big mistake) and its biting me in the butt.

We had decent sales yest with my business not great but good for this time of year and now we cant pay all our bills its not that good yet. but see tons of stuff needs to be done. I got orders arriving late that has thrown me off so now i gotta double up on orders so id ont run out that costs more I can only place this order certain times casue there in different time zones then me.

Sure if i got into a groove and . steady routine I might be able to juggle it all. But my routines been out the window since i lost my other job a year ago. I've been struggling for a routine ever since. Anything goes outside of my routine i start to panic an dfreak out. Its just how I am I'm ok with it but I live and die by my routine. Its both a blessing and a curse.

I talked to my wife some and freaked out crying. I'm always crying anymore thats another thing. Sick to my stomach crying panicing. wake up in the middle of the night with chest pains etc..

I said i cant this s why i havent applied any places like this because i was terrified it'd be too much. and we are coming in to our busy season.

In my defense i applied at this place 2 months ago when things started to slow down they JUST got back to me. I was trying to be positive and tell myself i can amke this work all week i've been trying to get my ducks in a row so i could do this and i'm falling apart.

I'm over here shaking i'm so freaked out.

I cant live like this. I dont want too. I said I wouldnt but here I am.

maybe i just need to suck it up tho and show up. Just push on through I dunno.

zjw

you know I know all this but in the moment i just get all caught up in panic and freak out. it doesnt always get me but often it does too.

I've been fighting with why this is and the best answer I got is it takes practice and I need to keep at it and keep practicing. I just wish i could get it already.

zjw

one thing that my grandfather (a physician) said to me while talking to him about life type stuff I was saying well "people will think this and people always say that and people this" he says "who are all these people" now i wanna rattle off a list but the reality is while there may be a few when i use that term. I'm speaking broadly over what i feel is others general perception of me or the situations etc..

But i also worry am I just letting the comittee in my head run rampant? Maybe I need to just take control at all times and ay NAH this is how it is some will like it some will not i dont care.

zjw

i know some will come in and say try therapy.

thats another thing. I'm slowly starting to be like crap nmaybe i should bite the bullet and go to therapy. I dont have the money but i'm like i can just put it on a credit card i guess and give it a whirl.

But it old myself If i dont have time to work on myself WITHOUT therapy how will I have time to go to therapy and work on myself? So i said a week ago I'm gonna spend an hour or so each day working on me and mymental state. meditation and reading basicly. First few days it was working out i was feeling better then it fell by the wayside. I got too wrapped up in stuff.

Its like spending time with the kids. I feel its important to devote liek an hour a day to them. they deserve at least that much. Some days i dont even do that and i feel so horrible as a result.

Im just juggling too much. it might not seem like much to some. It might seem like too much to others I dunno. The reality is for me the balls are hitting the floor and my life is falling apart.

biminiblue

If you don't stop the negative spiral in your own head it's not going to get better.

Don't torture yourself with your own thoughts.

You could have run two miles while you were making up stories in your head.

edit;; and I'm not taking shots at you, you know I like you but I know that if I let the thoughts continue it can ruin a whole day.

Therapy...I didn't have a lot of luck with it. YMMV.

zjw

side note the day of the interview. I had not slept at all i was up all night with worry. I woke up exhausted. i was miserable and so upset. and very worried about the interview. I got there it went great he hired me on the spot then asked for my license and all to get the paperwork going. I forgot my wallet and everything this is probably the first time I forgot that sorta thing with the exception of my wedding day (nerves then too) so i felt like an ass ran back home and got it and gave him the info.

The rest of the day i as in a great mood everything was wonderful. later that day my mood went to **** again back to worry and panic.

wtf is wrong with me i swear.

doggonecarl

If you aren't getting anything done now, I don't see how getting the job will make anything worse.

Perhaps with less time to procrastinate, you might use the time you do have to get things done.

zjw

i know i know but what your saying feeds it. It translates into **** it i'm just gonna go run and blow this off.

THEN i feel irresponable for saying **** it and blowing it off and i worry and freak out about that.

If i can manage to NOT feel that way i feel great casue its like hey whatever who cares life gos on **** happens so what.

but round and round we go.

zjw

I agree but when i dont procrastinate and rethink things i come back to the things that i did and i find all my mistakes. Its in my idle time that my brains going over the check lists making sure all was done right. I usualy find countless mistakes and heck even with all this second guessing and rethinking still some mistakes slip through.

Its because of htis I get conerned sometings wrong with me does eveyrone make so many mistakes i wonder etc...

biminiblue

Running isn't blowing it off, it resets the vagus nerve and settles the anxiety. It's medicine, not escapism.

biminiblue

I want to ask you about your food because I 100% believe food is medicine.

Last I heard you were living on pounds and pounds of bananas and a very small variety of other foods. How is your protein and fat intake? Poor nutrition can make mental health problems way worse, especially low fat.

zjw

lol i actually track all that from tiem to time and my nutrient intake is off the charts good. with exeption from the rediculous amt of salt in the mountain of fatty olives i ate yest lol.


Believe it or not people can thrive on a vegan diet. Ya know how much running and such I do lol. My doctor was estatic at my numbers and vitals last i was in there which i admit was a while ago.

My question is how much protein and fat does a person need in a day?. How many grams of each?

I eat like 3-6000 calories a day of fruits and veggies i'm not sure how its possible to NOT get enough protein an dfat lol.

zjw

I guess my point bimini is i've engaged with the diet dialog ions of times. and generally those who raise the issue with me havent done the research.

asking a vegan where he gets his protein from is like the biggest joke in the vegan community we hear it all the time and its like Lol the protein question again lol.

I heard one vegan joke that she eats her hair lol. gross lol.

ok now you got me smiling. I'm happy for that.

zjw

the more and more i think about it hte more and more I think i'm gonan call out of this job. the more and more i think about that choice the better i feel and the more relieved i feel.

I think maybe its the right move. I'm gonna have mud on my face. I'mg onna be the bad guy. But its ok. I've got big shoulders i've been the bad guy before.

I also can kiss getting a job there good by. which sucks. cause I want / wanted to work there.

i'm gonna thnk this over for a short while longer then i'm gonna make a choice before i get on the treadmill to run.

zjw

i actually was in this very simlier situation like this years ago. and it worked out.