Since 9th of November 2018 Clean and sober
 

I have been sober now since 9th of November and wheras by choice I chose not to see my two younger children until I was emotionally strong enough and for now just have them on weekends it breaks my heart when the break out in uncontrollable tears when having to go back to their fathers. It makes me feel like such a loser. For more than 9 plus years I was their everything and I know I had a major relapse where I just could not forgive myself hence I kept everyone in my eyes safe, but this is so heartbreaking seeing my 8 year old sobbing deep from her heart, hperventilating when she has to leave and then seeing my 9.5 year old trying to be strong but breaking down as well. And there is nothing I can do at the moment but look after myself and get a job and I do not want. I feel powerless it is such a horrendous feeling when you know its all ones fautl because I allowed the relapse to go on for so long.

I'm really sorry you and the kids have to go through that Sidney but it seems to me like you're doing everything possible now to set things right?

D

Keep your head up. You are making things right now and that is what they need from you most. You cannot go back in time so you will have to focus on the present. They miss you and they love you and you are doing the right thing to give them their mother back. I can’t imagine how hard that would be so I don’t mean to minimize the pain you are feeling. Just that at this point you can only look forward. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and keep going. I hope you have some support IRL too — and that you post a lot here and in Newcomer’s. Hugs.

Sidney,

Not only will guilt take us back out, it can literally kill us. You are so brave for putting your children first, to keep them safe. I know it is unbearably hard now on everyone, but keep your head up and know that it will get better. What you are going through, and yes, what they re going through, will all b worth it in the end if you just stay sober. You did the right thing putting their safety first during a relapse, and it is 100% necessary to put your recovery first now. Without it, there is nothing. Forgiveness to ourselves for being sick is paramount, you are not a bad person or parent, you have a sickness that wants you back, and guilt it it's most powerful tool.

Keep your eyes on today, looking back or forward only robs us of the present. If you keep sober today, the tomorrows will take care of themselves.

:hug: Cathy

thank you
 

Thanks for all of your support, I am still sober and practised kindness towards myself this morning by sleeping in because I was emotionally drained. So will go easy on myself today and have no expectations and go with the flow of today.:thanks