Cow

You can do whatever feels best for you O, but please be assured this is your home, we are all still a team, and God knows we need someone prolific here, cuz most of us have run out of shht to blather about.

Glad you made it through the night. Last night I had two very long dreams where I was DESPERATE to get alcohol. I was pacing and stalking the situation and scheming and flailing and trying to manipulate everyone so I could secretly get hold of it. So weird, cuz alls I've ever had to do to get it is... go get it. Guess it represents the battle of the mind, lying to yourself, shame, etc.


Hawk, I had a biopsy for mitochondrial myopathy which was inconclusive, so it is probably a factor. I tried very hard to make it work because keto can be efective for people with seizure disorder. I think the best I can do is limit carbs. Of course, I am not doing any intense exercise right now as I am barely alive. Maybe when I start getting proper sleep again and get some energy back I can tinker more. I am really interested in your progress, so please keep us posted.

Today, I'm trying to fight off some virus. All my neighbors have it and I've got a sore throat which is apparently the first sign. I've already neti potted my ears and nose, eaten some raw garlic, and am heading out for some zinc lozenges! I shall not go down without some serious fisticuffs!

Hawkeye13

I want you to stay here with us--we belong together

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUjq57rSQEM

Obladi

Alright, then. As long as we bear in mind that it's all about me right now.

Sorry to hear you have a cold bearing down, Cow. Sounds like you are doing all the right prophylactic things; may they prevail.

Thanks for the song, Hawk.

I'm home bearing a resentment. It's supposed to snow 4-6" followed by perhaps 1/10th of an inch of ice. Now I'm a Wisconsin girl, and "at home" this wouldn't phase me much. Because people know how to clean it up and how to drive in it. Not so much in Maryland. Before I moved, I used to laugh at my colleagues here who would pronounce in advance that they weren't going into work because it was "going to snow." My first winter here, I understood why. Narrow shoulders on many of the roads, inadequate plowing during the snow, drivers who are so scared of driving they are dangerous.

Anyhow, this morning I asked my boss if we could talk at our team meeting about planning for the weather. She gave me a look (recent transplant from Boston who lives a few miles from work) and agreed that we could. So at our meeting she said that if we didn't feel safe driving, we could contact her in the morning and then decide on a plan of action.

Now, none of us need to be AT work to do our jobs - we work in IT with all off-site customers. In fact, there were two meetings today involving my entire team and outside folks, and we ALL called in from our desks. She just prefers having us on site because she just likes it that way. Which is fine, she's the boss. But to not leave it up to our judgement about whether we should drive in or not during bad weather? I just feel its unnecessarily controlling of her. My previous boss (same Director for both of these managers) would say, "Oh yeah, yeah. Stay home and be safe."

This isn't the only reason I don't like my current job much (ok almost not at all), but it sure is one of them.

Yes and I know I haven't always been the most trust-worthy employee in her history with me, but this isn't targeted at me - it applies to the whole team. OH! Except for the one person who works remote 100% of the time and the other in excess of 50%. They are both out of state. Fantastic workers, but still.

Rant over.
For the moment.
Thanks for listening.

Cow

Aren't we all.

Sounds like you are doing okay at work, yes? Previously you indicated things had gotten dicey again, but did not elaborate. Sucks that you don't like your job or boss. Another good reason to get healthy and stable so you can look to make a move.

Anyway, I'm thrilled to hear you are at home bearing a resentment. ...Cuz I know what the alternative is. You are bearing it. Good.

fini

butbutbut O, it IS in fact up to your judgment whether you will drive in bad weather or not. it is your obligation to judge it for yourself.

i do get it. i had a super controlling work environment.
and i have a bit of experience with resentments, ahem.

so good to see you show up again.

Obladi

It was the part where she said to contact her and then she'd decide what to do that irritated me. How about "just let me know if you'll be working from home"? The forecast has shifted so the heaviest of it will be during work hours, so I shall go in. Might be a long drive home...

I had the dream twice tonight where my teeth crumble. The second time, I was convinced it was really for real. It was a relief to wake up that time, but not every hour since then. Lordy.

Hawkeye13

The insomnia is my most-dreaded withdrawal symptom

The wonderful deep sleep when it passes is one of the best rewards of sobriety.

Hang in there O

Obladi

Last dream of the night was just terrible. I got up and decided that was enough "sleeping" for me. If I were a horror/thriller writer, I might have a screenplay in the making, but no, ick, blech.

The drive to work was the easiest ever (aside from 6:30am on a Sunday). It's a ghost-town here, of course. "So there, boss!"

You know, it's not that I don't like her. She's a very likable person; as a boss she just gets on my nerves sometimes with her extroversion and micromanagement. I don't manage that way and I'm a pretty extreme introvert, so it's something to try to handle the best I can. Hopefully graciously.

Obladi

I really need to change my avatar - that place was not a good choice for me at the time.

Arrived at work 0715, boss arrived at 0915 and said, "I thought you were working from home today?" *sigh* I think she's a little passive-aggressive. Or something. Anyhow, she told me immediately to go home and I told her I'd hang around until our meetings were done at noon. The drive home was fine - they were actually plowing and salting before the snow was done. Amazing.

So this will come as a shocker to you all, I bet
This irritability and displeasure with work has been the Most Excellent Repast for the beast. When I had been at work for awhile, I realized the tantrum was coming (at least in large part) from the AV. "That witch is ruining all of our fun; we always use snow days to start boozing early." Likewise, "Your job really sucks nowadays; howsabout having a drink or ten to get over it? We can do that Every Single Day and twice on Sundays." "Pass the Repast!"

I'm not enjoying staring It down yet, broster. But I am learning to sit in its unpleasant company.

Day 3 halfway in the bag.

entropy1964

O congrats on Day 3!!! So glad you are back at it. And the Christmas tree down and everything. Wow.

Snow. I used to live in Truckee, CA. That was snow. 10 ft base around the house. I think this year truckee has like 20 ft. I mean, crazy. Of course they rock with the plowing and management so its not that bad. We just had 6" of snow and stop the fecking press. Not a plow in sight. Accidents everywhere. Ha. Cracks me up. I love shoveling snow so I'm a happy clam. And they are the slow accidents so I'm not laughing at someones expense. Fender benders and that stuff. Geez, I'm not that sick. Well maybe.

I went to Wisconsin in January. Years ago. But holy sweet baby jesus it was cold as feck. I thought I was going to die walking from the rental car parking lot to the terminal. And I was bundled up like the stay puff marshmallow man. I mean, seriously. It must have been 25 below zero. Holy crap. No thanks.

Life is life. Daughter/friend/boy drama is constant but she's smiling today so...big sigh.

Had to pass on my cancer treatment AGAIN last thursday cause AGAIN not strong enough. Feck, I feel better than I have in 6 weeks. So hopefully Monday will be the last one. Fingers crossed. Then hopefully whatever sickness I experience will pass by the time I leave for Cali on the 10th. I'm sure it will. I have to take care of my folks and start clearing out the 'playroom' (the room that will be my new 'home') so no time to feel crappy.

Hawk that's a lot of animal product. Do you poop? Haha. I know, the fat thing helps the poop thing. I've been eating way too much sugar. Its just, well, pathetic at this point. I went to the store, my mantra, no sugar, no sugar no sugar. Walk out with a jumbo bag of gummy worms. Seriously?

Cow

Don't you mean half way OUT of the bag. The AV's answer to everything is booze. Good on you for recognizing this and deciding to just sit with it instead. I wouldn't know myself, but I think that is what healthy adults learn to do.

Frick, Please be sure to take care of yourself while taking care of your parents. My hooves are crossed for you for Monday.

SnazzyDresser

And that's no mean feet!

Obladi

Cow, yes I thought later in the day that I should have said half way out. But the editing guidelines around here are pretty strict.

Frick, I'll also keep my fingers crossed for Monday. Maybe stay away from shoveling snow and other arduous tasks until then? You've got a lot going on and you're doing it! Good for you. When I go back to Wisconsin, my mother does me a solid and turns the heat "up" to 62 - it's all perspective and acclimation, I suppose.

Hi Snazz

Hawk, you know what? I literally have not seen a liquor store since you wrote that you didn't see one. I passed them, but didn't see them, didn't think about them, nothing. Magic!

I went to bed last night around 10 and decided not to look at the clock the first couple of times I woke up. On the third time, I looked - and it was 10:37pm. But after that, I pretty much slept through until 0515 despite an interruption for a coughing spell. Lots of dreaming, though I don't remember what about and that's ok by me. Progress.

Three days is a very long time to have been sober when you've been drinking every day for so long. I find myself in Future Fantasy Land frequently, and deliberately pull myself back to Now. Right now all I need to do is wash those dishes. Right now all I need to do is eat something so I don't get hungry in the middle of the night. (A thing when the bulk of my far-too-many calories/carbs have been coming from alcohol through the evening and night.) Right now, all I need to do is work that last hour even though I am wishing with all my might to be done with it. Right now, all I need to do is Not Drink.

It's a very small life, for sure, but even these tiny changes are expanding it. I think it's ok to have hope for the future; I just don't want to get ahead of myself with grandiose expectations of a new lithe healthy happy self. For now, staying sober needs to suffice.

Day 4

Hawkeye13

I think you are doing exactly the right things in the right order O--yes, your life is expanding.

I had the same experience after last relapse. Just getting food in, basic chores done, work accomplished somehow, and making repeated failed attempts at sleep that slowly got more successful day by day.

I have gone from that horrible precarious-ness of early sobriety like a bat blinking at the sunrise to actually re-introducing hot yoga into my life again yesterday.
Today, after a good and deep healing sleep my body is still releasing with gentle pops and cracks from my drunken contraction.

It can be done. You are doing it.

Frick sending you some extra strength and healing today.

Cow, are you sleeping any better?

fini

sounds perfect to me, O:
yes to hope, oh yes, and curb expectations, especially grandiose ones. we've all seen people come back very disappointed with how their expectations of this fantastic new life in six weeks have "let them down".
i am wondering if you are adding any kind of outside "real life" support or program or..?

Cow

Keepa go, O!

It's okay to have a small life. I am currently working through this with my therapist. I was bemoaning how I have so little motivation to go out or be around others or do anything. She countered with, "So. A ton of people work their whole lives so they can just do nothing!" Okay now there are issues of personal fulfillment that I am still sorting out, but what she was getting at is: "is this really a problem or do you just think it should be a problem."

Hawk, I can't say the sleep is any better. The other night I was just lying there trying not to think and I just started hallucinating. ...hey, what is that carousel doing there?! I think my brain was like, look, if you are not going to sleep I am just going to do my necessary REM stuff while you are awake!

Dropsie

so glad to have you all bantering again!

Hawkeye13

be bickering, banterin', brew ha hain' in bubbly bilabial bits of bodacious boisterousness beautiful Dropsie

What's kickin' with you?

O, how are doing? I like the paisley, by the way

Cow, I am sorry sleep has not yet come as it should. I hope this improves.

Obladi

Cow, you asked the other day if things were ok at work. They are just ok. I had a chat with my Director a few weeks back and told him I really wasn't enjoying this position and he was very concerned, so that is gratifying. I would like to believe (and halfway do) that he will keep this in mind with any restructuring or new positions that might come up.

In my previous position, I had the opportunity to make large-scale changes and that was really rewarding. Also, my customers absolutely loved me. In this position, I have one customer who loves me, and he is arguably the most important one. But I also have several others who seem to be opposed to any improvement I propose. I'm good at improvement! They are used to things the way they are and just can't seem to see that there are opportunities to make things better. When we talk about doing things differently, their reaction is, "We think we should go back to the way it was two years ago." Not exactly forward-thinking; stress headache inducing fer sure.

But it's not dicey anymore. In fact, my boss actually gave me a compliment today - and it wasn't even a formal time to do so. I feel confident that things will remain ok now that I'm not drinking anymore. (Yes, dwtbd, I know I should say "Now that I don't drink;" I'll get there.

It's an odd thing that drinking again is absolutely unthinkable yet the AV keeps chattering at me throughout the day. The only time it shuts up is when I am at home. But that's a good place to stay shut, since home is where I drank.

fini, I have continued to see my therapist throughout this coaster ride. I have been with him since my IOP days and feel like my work with him has kept me tethered to the ground. He remarks frequently about the different person he knows when I'm not drinking and how much he really enjoys meeting with me then. And at the same time, he recently told me he would continue to work with me even if I made the decision that I was never going to stop. We have a very good relationship and I am grateful for that. I've considered going back to AA but have some hesitance over that... but this post is too long already, so we can mull that over some other time, no?

Thanks, Hawk - I colored that. A skill I picked up in rehab!

dwtbd

O, when you say “now that I don’t drink anymore” that sounds like you ready to accept that still warm card fresh out of the laminator, not drinking anymore isn’t much different from not drinking ,yeah?

Your AV is the one trying to convince that somehow You’re not There, Yet, options still open.

You have had enough, no?