Had a rough go of things.
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Sorry, I know I'm posting a lot. I love ironies and it struck me as so ironic that I'm living out the serenity prayer right now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Is that how it goes?
I have been getting these grey whiskers growing on my chin, I'm forever plucking them out, and I've been calling them my wise whiskers. Hope I don't get too many more after all this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Is that how it goes?
I have been getting these grey whiskers growing on my chin, I'm forever plucking them out, and I've been calling them my wise whiskers. Hope I don't get too many more after all this.
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DOH I always grow an obnoxious homeless person looking beard in the winter its just getting grayer and grayer. The min one of the kids is like OMFG DAD look at all the grays i'ml iek GRW(*@*#! time to shave it off i guess lol.
yeah acceptance what a friggen tough pill to swallow at times. I have to do certain things these days and i tell myself welp time for my dose of humility. It'll keep me nice and humble so at least its good for me.
but acceptance is also liberating. once i've accepted a situation or circumstance I'm free from the BS and able to move forward.
yeah acceptance what a friggen tough pill to swallow at times. I have to do certain things these days and i tell myself welp time for my dose of humility. It'll keep me nice and humble so at least its good for me.
but acceptance is also liberating. once i've accepted a situation or circumstance I'm free from the BS and able to move forward.
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Hi Hawkeye, yeah it's tough with a still drinking partner. I looked at is one of those things where I just had to let him be who he is and accept it. He drinks most days and there's always beer in the house and he still invites me to parties and I still want to be invited, even though I usually say no. But it's hasn't always been easy. That part of me craved for awhile, even though I refused to feed it or acknowledge it. All that has passed for me now and I wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything or let it go for anything. I treasure it and value it dearly. The BIGGEST calamity that could happen for me would be drinking again. I've stared into that abyss and I'm never going back.
I feel like the second year was where all the magic happened for me and I came into my own. My body and mind finished healing and I let go of the past and I started looking forward and trusting myself and respecting myself again.
I just hit a rough patch and got literally knocked off my feet. And it was all together and it's just really been a lot.
I feel like the second year was where all the magic happened for me and I came into my own. My body and mind finished healing and I let go of the past and I started looking forward and trusting myself and respecting myself again.
I just hit a rough patch and got literally knocked off my feet. And it was all together and it's just really been a lot.
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lol nah you dont want one lol.
for what its worth the day i quit there where 18 beers left in the fridge. I kept them there because i was worried i might /need/ them..... Yes initially it was justified as what if i get DT's really bad.... but after a week or so i was not ready to give them up. They remained in my fridge for over a year i just couldnt part with them!! That what if i need one..... But I feel it also helped me to say no to them over and over and over again even tho it woulda just been so easy! Eventually I gave those away.
Then over 2 years into sobriety i thought i guess ic ould get rid of all that wine i made in the basement. I had a couple 5 and 6 gallon buckets of wine. I poured it all down the drain. While doing so i was like OMFG i could get drunk off the stench! i also thought about all the drunken crazyness i jsut saved myself from too. and the Addict in me was like *sigh* there goes all the good times down the drain!!
So if booze is in the house it can be done. In my case i'm glad its all gone tho. I think if it where still there i woulda have been tempted at least a few times in all these years.
for what its worth the day i quit there where 18 beers left in the fridge. I kept them there because i was worried i might /need/ them..... Yes initially it was justified as what if i get DT's really bad.... but after a week or so i was not ready to give them up. They remained in my fridge for over a year i just couldnt part with them!! That what if i need one..... But I feel it also helped me to say no to them over and over and over again even tho it woulda just been so easy! Eventually I gave those away.
Then over 2 years into sobriety i thought i guess ic ould get rid of all that wine i made in the basement. I had a couple 5 and 6 gallon buckets of wine. I poured it all down the drain. While doing so i was like OMFG i could get drunk off the stench! i also thought about all the drunken crazyness i jsut saved myself from too. and the Addict in me was like *sigh* there goes all the good times down the drain!!
So if booze is in the house it can be done. In my case i'm glad its all gone tho. I think if it where still there i woulda have been tempted at least a few times in all these years.
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I guess because I quit with AVRT I took a different attitude about it. Like I was untouchable, because it wasn't me who craved or suffered, it was the addict side of me and I refused to identify with that part of me anymore. It was a mind trick that worked, still works to this day 
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So my boyfriend told me I should go see a shrink yesterday because he thinks I'm legit crazy. Not totally crazy, but a little bit crazy and I need more help than a counselor. I think he just doesn't trust the counselor anymore because I'd been talking about him and some of my complaints about him and recently been to see the counselor - so it's only logical that I must be crazy and in need of a much better head doctor and one who thinks I should stay with him, of course. Not that this counselor has suggested I leave him, she didn't. I had so many things to talk about that we barely touched on him.
I agree that I went a little bit crazy though. I still don't feel particularly balanced or well. I think that was the closest brush I've had with mental illness, and I'm super relieved that it was hormones and stress. I knew something was wrong too, and I'd been saying so.
But it was real. I was really pregnant and it was a real miscarriage and I'm really leaving work and going somewhere far and new and still having to push myself on midnights with a family. He really abandoned me during it all. Maybe some of my emotions and imaginings weren't real. I have always had a lot of imagination so I get that some of it was in my head. But I'm not crazy. It's not just that it's winter and I always get sad in the winter.
It was good to clear the air with him though. Even if neither of us liked what we heard, at least it's not all hanging between us anymore.
I lost the battle about the bid too at work. There's nothing to be done about it, that's what's happening on Monday. Gotta admit, I'm sulking about it. It sucks. I was really hoping to catch a break. But suck it up, buttercup. The lady at staffing wasn't totally without compassion and told me if I don't get next months bid she will assign me closer to home, but there's nothing she can do this month. Just an unfortunate sequence of events.
I agree that I went a little bit crazy though. I still don't feel particularly balanced or well. I think that was the closest brush I've had with mental illness, and I'm super relieved that it was hormones and stress. I knew something was wrong too, and I'd been saying so.
But it was real. I was really pregnant and it was a real miscarriage and I'm really leaving work and going somewhere far and new and still having to push myself on midnights with a family. He really abandoned me during it all. Maybe some of my emotions and imaginings weren't real. I have always had a lot of imagination so I get that some of it was in my head. But I'm not crazy. It's not just that it's winter and I always get sad in the winter.
It was good to clear the air with him though. Even if neither of us liked what we heard, at least it's not all hanging between us anymore.
I lost the battle about the bid too at work. There's nothing to be done about it, that's what's happening on Monday. Gotta admit, I'm sulking about it. It sucks. I was really hoping to catch a break. But suck it up, buttercup. The lady at staffing wasn't totally without compassion and told me if I don't get next months bid she will assign me closer to home, but there's nothing she can do this month. Just an unfortunate sequence of events.
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Sorry I can't stop thinking about it all, and that's what this week is for, to figure it out and move past it. I think the feelings right now are guilt and shame. And I don't know why people are so guilty, but we all are. I feel guilty because I didn't want to be pregnant and I'm relieved it happened this way, even though I suffered, because I really didn't want to have another baby and I didn't want to do the other thing either. At 40 I fully understood what both meant and I was equally appalled by both. So I feel guilty that I wanted a miscarriage and then I had one. And I feel ashamed because I went a little crazy and acted weird at first, and then couldn't stop crying and raged at my boyfriend really bad. I scared him and that's why he left. But I don't have to feel bad and like everything is my fault. It wasn't. I couldn't help what happened to my body. I can just forgive myself and forgive my boyfriend too. It wasn't his fault either but I blamed him, and it must have really hurt his feelings and surprised him for me to react like that. He can't help it either that he's young, what did I expect when I robbed the cradle? He's doing the best he can and he's one of the good ones. I dated some bad ones and he's not one of them.
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Last night was the first night I slept really well in awhile. That must mean I'm coming down from all this and starting to let it go. I could fall asleep but I couldn't stay asleep... waking up and just being hit with worry.
Got my hair done yesterday, so at least I'll look cute when I show up on Monday. Boy, I really talked her ear off too lol. She's been doing my hair for more than a decade, and she's cool, we always roar with laughter. She's been through the sh*t too and she gets it. I needed that. There were some dark jokes, but if I can't laugh at this, or at myself, then I might as well just give up.
Another thing my boyfriend told me is that I only think I'm in charge, but what it's actually like is how my dog likes to hump his leg, only in her mind is he being dominated. Hahahaha I literally can't stop laughing about it. He really got me with that comeback! Zing!
Physically I'm feeling much better, and mentally I'm on my way.
Got my hair done yesterday, so at least I'll look cute when I show up on Monday. Boy, I really talked her ear off too lol. She's been doing my hair for more than a decade, and she's cool, we always roar with laughter. She's been through the sh*t too and she gets it. I needed that. There were some dark jokes, but if I can't laugh at this, or at myself, then I might as well just give up.
Another thing my boyfriend told me is that I only think I'm in charge, but what it's actually like is how my dog likes to hump his leg, only in her mind is he being dominated. Hahahaha I literally can't stop laughing about it. He really got me with that comeback! Zing!
Physically I'm feeling much better, and mentally I'm on my way.
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So this whole experience has been very humbling for me, and if I'm being completely honest (at this point why bother being anything but), I could have used a lesson in humility. I'm a Leo and it suits me, I can be arrogant and full of myself. Nothing like a nervous breakdown and a physical illness to put things in perspective. Or like realizing how I'm not in control of everything, like I thought I was.
I saw my friends last night, everyone was doing the Sat night drinking party. I could have told them all my problems, they would have listened and comforted me, it was tempting. But I didn't, not the real stuff anyway. I told them some fluff and stayed a short time and left. And here's why. It struck me how I don't want it to be on those terms anymore. Not around the drinking table. I would have told any one of them the whole story if they'd called, or suggested lunch or a walk, or anything really, other than around the drinking table, because I'm done with all that. It took a crisis for me to see it that way. Especially that one friend. This was the last time I let her hurt my feelings. If I'm not willing to drink with her, then she's not that interested. So if that's the way it is, fine. I accept that too.
I've also accepted the work situation. It's not ideal, the timing sucks. But I wanted my full-time, and I wanted it in what I got it in. I planned this and was strategic about it. I just thought it was going to take years longer to happen. I have to commute now, but I haven't had to commute like this ever.... so I've been pretty spoiled in that regard. It won't kill me to have to commute for awhile. And I don't want to work midnight's anymore, I really don't, my body and family could use the break right now, but it's temporary and I'll just keep bidding. Just got to push a little longer. Once I get a good position it will be sweet.
My boyfriend and I are cool. We seem to have weathered the storm.
Thank God for AVRT. Without it, this kind of situation could have totally derailed me. But it didn't.
I saw my friends last night, everyone was doing the Sat night drinking party. I could have told them all my problems, they would have listened and comforted me, it was tempting. But I didn't, not the real stuff anyway. I told them some fluff and stayed a short time and left. And here's why. It struck me how I don't want it to be on those terms anymore. Not around the drinking table. I would have told any one of them the whole story if they'd called, or suggested lunch or a walk, or anything really, other than around the drinking table, because I'm done with all that. It took a crisis for me to see it that way. Especially that one friend. This was the last time I let her hurt my feelings. If I'm not willing to drink with her, then she's not that interested. So if that's the way it is, fine. I accept that too.
I've also accepted the work situation. It's not ideal, the timing sucks. But I wanted my full-time, and I wanted it in what I got it in. I planned this and was strategic about it. I just thought it was going to take years longer to happen. I have to commute now, but I haven't had to commute like this ever.... so I've been pretty spoiled in that regard. It won't kill me to have to commute for awhile. And I don't want to work midnight's anymore, I really don't, my body and family could use the break right now, but it's temporary and I'll just keep bidding. Just got to push a little longer. Once I get a good position it will be sweet.
My boyfriend and I are cool. We seem to have weathered the storm.
Thank God for AVRT. Without it, this kind of situation could have totally derailed me. But it didn't.
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Lots of acceptance happening here.
I can see you logically working through it all, one step at a time, listening to your own voice, asking yourself am I rational? Am I kind? Am I doing the next right thing?
Sobriety is a blessing that allows us this, it allows us to hit the pause button. There’s no need to rush for an escape when we can think it through, one minute detail at a time.
I can see you logically working through it all, one step at a time, listening to your own voice, asking yourself am I rational? Am I kind? Am I doing the next right thing?
Sobriety is a blessing that allows us this, it allows us to hit the pause button. There’s no need to rush for an escape when we can think it through, one minute detail at a time.
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Thanks Sassy, yeah that's exactly what I've been doing. Trying to figure out what to do next.... like right now the car won't start and I'm already late for my first day while I wait for the roadside assistance to come help me get the car going.
It's a new car too. Old Betsy always started!
I don't even have a number to call to tell them I'm having car issues. Doesn't matter, they wouldn't believe it anyway.... sounds like BS.
It's so far too. It makes me so mad that work did this to me. I feel like they sent me to Sibera, punishment time for getting sick and going off. It's an hour one way, all highway, and coming home will be right during the worst of rush hour. I'm fu*ked for the next month, at least. Nothing to be done about it though. I won't forget that they did this though. I'm a woman and my memory is long, especially now that I don't drink lol
It's a new car too. Old Betsy always started!
I don't even have a number to call to tell them I'm having car issues. Doesn't matter, they wouldn't believe it anyway.... sounds like BS.
It's so far too. It makes me so mad that work did this to me. I feel like they sent me to Sibera, punishment time for getting sick and going off. It's an hour one way, all highway, and coming home will be right during the worst of rush hour. I'm fu*ked for the next month, at least. Nothing to be done about it though. I won't forget that they did this though. I'm a woman and my memory is long, especially now that I don't drink lol
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So it went good, even though I was 2 1/2 hours late. But the car honestly wouldn't start and it took two service people to get it started because the first truck couldn't fit into the underground. Of course that would happen on the first day! It's a small station, which is nice, my old place was massive with many stations. I get to work the dock too and I like working the dock, so I'm happy about that. And my supervisor agreed to let me start an hour later so I don't have to commute at such a lousy time. So far, so good
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I sometimes wonder if I’ve accepted things or if I’m simply defeated or is it both or is there even a difference. Sometimes it’s like gee thanks life not a lot of options here before me ugg well ok then and just move forward and home the wind blows the other way soon.
Anyhow I’m proud of how you handled all this I could learn a thing or 2. Sure you had some hiccups along the way but who wouldn’t your only human. For what it’s worth I’ve never gotten the arrogant vibe from ya.
And I love your point about dumping your problems at the drinking table. You got an incredibly good point. Even if you didn’t drink your don’t want to be like a dry drunk if you will. I often wonder if I’m just a dry drunk at times lol.
Life is is screwed up. You never know what’s around the corner it could be another bag of crap or it could be a bag of money who knows. Heck might not even make it to the corner then we all worried for nothing.
Anyhow I’m proud of how you handled all this I could learn a thing or 2. Sure you had some hiccups along the way but who wouldn’t your only human. For what it’s worth I’ve never gotten the arrogant vibe from ya.
And I love your point about dumping your problems at the drinking table. You got an incredibly good point. Even if you didn’t drink your don’t want to be like a dry drunk if you will. I often wonder if I’m just a dry drunk at times lol.
Life is is screwed up. You never know what’s around the corner it could be another bag of crap or it could be a bag of money who knows. Heck might not even make it to the corner then we all worried for nothing.
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Thanks zjw. In my mind, a dry drunk is someone who goes around missing it forever. I don't miss it one bit. I'm grateful to be rid of it. I get the feeling you think the same thing.
My kid was dealing with a bully at school and my advice to him was to do his best to see it coming, and to hold his ground when it came, don't make it easy on the other kid, to push back. And I told him, if he doesn't see it coming and gets attacked from behind, to make sure he gets back up as quick as he can and get one good punch in. That's all anyone can do. Get back up and stand your ground.
I was also thinking about how we weathered storms in the boat. We would try to find a bay to shelter in, but sometimes we couldn't and had to put down anchors and go below deck wherever we were. And that's all you can do, go below deck and hope the anchors hold. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't and we'd be at the mercy of it and just have to hope for the best and that we didn't hit a rock and sink. I always liked when the storms came, I thought they were exciting and thrilling and it made me feel alive.
My kid was dealing with a bully at school and my advice to him was to do his best to see it coming, and to hold his ground when it came, don't make it easy on the other kid, to push back. And I told him, if he doesn't see it coming and gets attacked from behind, to make sure he gets back up as quick as he can and get one good punch in. That's all anyone can do. Get back up and stand your ground.
I was also thinking about how we weathered storms in the boat. We would try to find a bay to shelter in, but sometimes we couldn't and had to put down anchors and go below deck wherever we were. And that's all you can do, go below deck and hope the anchors hold. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't and we'd be at the mercy of it and just have to hope for the best and that we didn't hit a rock and sink. I always liked when the storms came, I thought they were exciting and thrilling and it made me feel alive.
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the below is one of my favorite stories to try to recall when life gets a bit too intense and scary.
"It was this story that papa[papaji] told me, I say like this, about one girl, and she was just about to get married, no, and she was, the next day, she’s getting married the next day, and she’s been planning everything for this wedding, because it’s a traditional place. And in this place, you don’t get to be with your beloved in any intimate way, until you are married. So, tomorrow is the wedding, no, tomorrow is the wedding day, yes, and so today, she must make the final arrangement. And this girl lives in the forest. She lives in the forest and she’s, now today, final arrangements, she has a few appointments. First I must go to the cake maker. And after the cake maker, I must see the dressmaker. After the dressmaker I must go and see the priest, to go through my vows. And then finally at the end of the day I will see my beloved, and we’ll have a cup of tea together, look forward to tomorrow, and then tomorrow I’ll be, we’ll be in each other’s arms, oh wonderful! And she’s full of the joys of Spring. And she’s walking out in the forest to go to see the cake maker, first appointment on the list. And after a few steps, right in front of her, steps a lion. Face to face, like this. Hungry lion also. And she can feel it’s breath….like this. Then in that instant, you see, the cake maker’s appointment is gone. Then the dressmaker, not there. The priest, not there. Only the beloved, also not there. In this moment, absolutely alone. No time, no future, no intention, no past, no identity. So the master says, “welcome the lion on your path”. Because until then, you are planning a tomorrow you don’t have, a next week that nobody promise and all of this. And our minds are full of the noise of otherness. What will bring you to this instant this moment? When will you spend one moment to be just you? Not carrying some message for tomorrow or something. You see? And it’s the habit that all of us, we have it. And so we are full of noise, claustrophobic with noise. What will strip you back to that place? Beyond time and intention, you see. How far are you from this place now? What’s left to do? What unfinished business is left to do? Before you can simply be your being, be yourself. Because the mind is not going to have a holiday. There is something that is not in the next moment, not in the past moment, also. Don’t look anywhere to find it. Even your very search to find it is already arising in it. We are missing the obvious. Don’t seek help from your mind….." - mooji
"It was this story that papa[papaji] told me, I say like this, about one girl, and she was just about to get married, no, and she was, the next day, she’s getting married the next day, and she’s been planning everything for this wedding, because it’s a traditional place. And in this place, you don’t get to be with your beloved in any intimate way, until you are married. So, tomorrow is the wedding, no, tomorrow is the wedding day, yes, and so today, she must make the final arrangement. And this girl lives in the forest. She lives in the forest and she’s, now today, final arrangements, she has a few appointments. First I must go to the cake maker. And after the cake maker, I must see the dressmaker. After the dressmaker I must go and see the priest, to go through my vows. And then finally at the end of the day I will see my beloved, and we’ll have a cup of tea together, look forward to tomorrow, and then tomorrow I’ll be, we’ll be in each other’s arms, oh wonderful! And she’s full of the joys of Spring. And she’s walking out in the forest to go to see the cake maker, first appointment on the list. And after a few steps, right in front of her, steps a lion. Face to face, like this. Hungry lion also. And she can feel it’s breath….like this. Then in that instant, you see, the cake maker’s appointment is gone. Then the dressmaker, not there. The priest, not there. Only the beloved, also not there. In this moment, absolutely alone. No time, no future, no intention, no past, no identity. So the master says, “welcome the lion on your path”. Because until then, you are planning a tomorrow you don’t have, a next week that nobody promise and all of this. And our minds are full of the noise of otherness. What will bring you to this instant this moment? When will you spend one moment to be just you? Not carrying some message for tomorrow or something. You see? And it’s the habit that all of us, we have it. And so we are full of noise, claustrophobic with noise. What will strip you back to that place? Beyond time and intention, you see. How far are you from this place now? What’s left to do? What unfinished business is left to do? Before you can simply be your being, be yourself. Because the mind is not going to have a holiday. There is something that is not in the next moment, not in the past moment, also. Don’t look anywhere to find it. Even your very search to find it is already arising in it. We are missing the obvious. Don’t seek help from your mind….." - mooji
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Yeah, imagination can be a blessing and a curse. It's good to be able to plan and prepare for the future, but we can also make ourselves crazy doing it. I know. I just had a real nervous breakdown. It was something else. Something changed in my mind. It was like when you are a passenger in a car and you pass someone and make eye contact with the other passenger and you both turn and stare at each other as you drive by. I feel like that's what happened with me and crazy town. I locked eyes with it. Whoa. That's been the hardest to come back from because I'm embarrassed about how weird I got. I was having some strange thoughts. It was definitely humbling and it rattled me. When I fought my boyfriend at the end, I let him have it with everything in me. I've never done that before, to anyone.
But I can just leave it in the past. It wasn't me. It's not happening anymore and I couldn't help it, I knew I wasn't right and I was saying so, and then I found out, within 48 hours of each other, I was pregnant and that I had to leave my work and stay on midnight's but commute to do it and I was sick. That's enough to make any woman lose it. And just like I shouldn't be surprised after robbing the cradle, he should have known he needed to buckle up when he hooked with an older woman.
Get my tubes tied so it never happens again and move on.
But I can just leave it in the past. It wasn't me. It's not happening anymore and I couldn't help it, I knew I wasn't right and I was saying so, and then I found out, within 48 hours of each other, I was pregnant and that I had to leave my work and stay on midnight's but commute to do it and I was sick. That's enough to make any woman lose it. And just like I shouldn't be surprised after robbing the cradle, he should have known he needed to buckle up when he hooked with an older woman.
Get my tubes tied so it never happens again and move on.
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So I had it out with that friend today......
I was planning on leaving it alone. I figured that I'd just lay low until I wasn't so sore about how it all went down, but she asked me what was going on so I told her how I feel. I told her how she let me down and that I wasn't going to give her another chance, and instead of giving it some thought or showing some insight, she accused me of being the absent one (she has a point, I no longer hang out like I used to), and I told her I wish I hadn't wasted my time replying.
This friendship has caused me a lot of heartache over the last 2 years. I really clung to it and I mourned it. She's been my buddy for a long time and I really wanted it to be about more than just drinking, but the evidence doesn't support that.
I hardly ever ask anyone for anything, I've very independent, and I understand that no one owes me a goddamn thing, but that doesn't mean I don't get to have at least some basic expectations, like don't get drunk with my boyfriend when we are fighting and I'm at home alone having a miscarriage and you profess to be my best friend. I don't think I'm setting the bar too high.
I started a different thread about her, called Beast friends vs Best friends. I have the answer now. I already knew it too. I'm just the type that always has to learn all my lessons the hard way, but once I learn them, I never forget.
I was planning on leaving it alone. I figured that I'd just lay low until I wasn't so sore about how it all went down, but she asked me what was going on so I told her how I feel. I told her how she let me down and that I wasn't going to give her another chance, and instead of giving it some thought or showing some insight, she accused me of being the absent one (she has a point, I no longer hang out like I used to), and I told her I wish I hadn't wasted my time replying.
This friendship has caused me a lot of heartache over the last 2 years. I really clung to it and I mourned it. She's been my buddy for a long time and I really wanted it to be about more than just drinking, but the evidence doesn't support that.
I hardly ever ask anyone for anything, I've very independent, and I understand that no one owes me a goddamn thing, but that doesn't mean I don't get to have at least some basic expectations, like don't get drunk with my boyfriend when we are fighting and I'm at home alone having a miscarriage and you profess to be my best friend. I don't think I'm setting the bar too high.
I started a different thread about her, called Beast friends vs Best friends. I have the answer now. I already knew it too. I'm just the type that always has to learn all my lessons the hard way, but once I learn them, I never forget.
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