BullDog777

I'm not looking forward to today. I'm having lunch with my parents for my mother's birthday. All the dysfunction wrapped up into one giant anxiety attack by mid afternoon i'm guessing.

I hate saying this...but I hate seeing them. My father has a couple of essential tremors and refuses any kind of medical treatment. My dads tremors are so bad I can hardly stand trying to talk to the man. He always looks so uncomfortable. My mom is always so rude to my wife and I just gotta sit there and say nothing.

I know I should be grateful they're still here. I am...it just really sets me back every time I have to see them.

thanks for listening.

zjw

I try to avoid people that drain me as much as possible. This is easier said then done and yeah now and then I gotta go face these folks once in a while.

My advice would be to mentally prepare and brace yourself and then breathe a sigh of relief when its all over with. Go into it knowing our going to have said feelings and maybe try to view the situation from a 3rd person perspective watch the thign play out and be the watcher on the wall.

fini

BullDog, why burden yourself with thoughts like "I know I should be grateful they're still here..." when you are not?
can you think of things you ARE grateful for, whether about your parents or not , and then be genuinely grateful for those while you are going trough this day?

tomsteve

why ya have to sit there and say nothing? why cant you AND your wife set boundaries?

Hevyn

I hope it goes ok BullDog. I have the same stress & anxiety around certain family members - it causes me a lot of grief. I handle it much better sober though. I'm glad you posted. It's not a little vent if it's bothering you. We care.

Stayingsassy

You don’t have to sit there and say nothing.

Set boundaries with your mom about how she will treat your family.

When it happens, correct her. Cleverly and gently.

But I get it. I can’t tolerate bad behavior from my mother anymore.

Case in point: my father is lying there dead. The nephrologist starts to come in the room. She turns to me, face twisted, and says: “you’re not going to get mad at him, are you?”

I was aghast. What do you take me for, mom? Someone who will berate the doctor who just lost a patient? Are you @@#$&**#$$&ing kidding me?

Just continue to set boundaries. Breathe. Take comfort in people who know and trust us better.

entropy1964

I don't know how old your folks are but I know with mine, who are both in the 80s and have dementia, changing them or trying to make sense of their behavior is hopeless. I accept them for what they are, all the crazy, etc. I don't have a choice. And there is a huge 'past' with them...addiction, neglect, lack of boundaries, abuse in the home. So I has 'issues' with them....but I've had to let them go. For me, not them.

If you believe that setting boundaries will help, absolutely. If ole Mom disrespects the wife (and it sounds like this is a 'thing') maybe she has the right to say, I'll sit this one out. Or she too just accepts the 2 hour lunch and lets it go too.

It is heart breaking for me to watch the severe physical and mental decline of my parents. But I accept that this is reality. Detach from it, especially my dad due to his alarming physical issues. Well both of em.

I get the 'need' and 'responsibility' of staying in touch with our aging parents. Not just people you can shut out unless its really vital.

You can get through this lunch. Just let go of the stuff you can't control. I mean, that's what I recommend

Stayingsassy

The boundary setting doesn’t teach them. Not in the least. I get resistance.

It helps ME. It’s a form of empowerment.

trailmix

We talk about detachment a lot in the Friends and Family forum Bulldog, maybe you will find something in this thread helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...rty-lines.html (Detachment - Property Lines)

BullDog777

I really appreciate all of the comments. I'll go by the friends and family forum too, that was a great idea.

I'm gonna keep this short...I'm tired and I wanna go to bed, but I'll add the whole story tomorrow in case anyone is interested.

I laid down the law today.

I protected my sobriety and I told them in no uncertain terms that I would no longer be there for them in any capacity except a phone call if they refuse to do the things they need to do to be healthy.

That was that.

I felt really guilty going home. My wife however reminded me that in all honesty, they probably wouldn't cross the street to pour water on me if I was on fire unless it benefited them in some way. So F it all.

Detaching myself from their toxic $#it is music to my ears. This time, EVERYONE heard it. It wasn't me saying how I felt to my mom so she could come back and say i made it up or that she didn't remember it that way a week or a month down the line. EVERYONE got to hear it.

So...aside from phone calls, I'm out unless they decide to change how they live.

I think I'm gonna sleep good tonight. I don't have to worry about this anymore. My wife is in full support.

I hate to say it, and there were mental health professionals that told me the same thing after meeting them in the past....they do nothing but drag me down and beat on my self worth...I don't need that anymore.

Thanks again to everyone who commented. I'll respond to everyone tomorrow. I just need to get some rest.

AAPJ

Bulldog I completely get your situation. To me you have already shared already about the situation.

Ahhh family! Family gets a level of tolerance from me that I would not give anyone else. My wife and I have cut contact with a few really toxic family members. And some family members are wonderful folks who we really enjoy seeing. They are the gems. Then there are the ones who we would have nothing to do with were it not for the family relationship. But they are not bad enough to cut off completely because collectively it would be bad for the overall family unit. We see them only at broad family functions. The grey zone.

At least that's how we have approached it so far.

August252015

Kinda sounds like a "biggie" vent and situation to me, for your emotional needs and sober balance...

It sounds like you have chosen to go and created a plan that you [ hope - eep ] works. It sounds like a situation I would not put myself in, period - until I had come to peace and acceptance with them. So, that could mean never; it could mean that my program was at a place where since I chose to spend time with them, I would be able to go in with a focus on steps 1 and 12 and pull the plug if I couldn't remain in those.

Please do share with us how it goes - I hope you (with what sounds like good support from your life) two are on the same page about how you choose to participate, stay, and leave.

Best to you today.

FBL

BullDog, sounds like you set down some firm boundaries, that is the key! None of us have to put up with toxic crap from others, including our own families.

You did the right thing.

August252015

Agggh, maybe I misread your lost post Bulldog - I'm sorry. I thought you were still going. Hope you do let us know how today goes, if you're there or in the case you aren't but get any, um, "feedback."

Maudcat

Good for you!
My experience has been that it is so very hard to unhook from family, whatever the reason, but once I did, I felt ever so much better and lighter.
Let go or be dragged, I say.
Good thoughts.

Stayingsassy

Hey bulldog, how’s your omad coming along? Still fighting food addiction here, what sucks is that my liver just got continued suffering when I quit drinking...diving from a pool of alcohol to a pool of sugar. I am building a strategy as nothing has worked. That’s why I am abundantly curious about how yours has come along. Hope you’re well my friend.

SoberCAH

Thanks for sharing this, BD.

Your parents and their family dynamic sound a lot like mine until they both died around 6 - 7 years ago.

My mother was a bitter drunk her whole life - I couldn't stand calling her and visiting her.

My dad (actually my step-dad who legally adopted me) was a hot-head who had serious deficiencies in dealing with others.

They were consumed with jealousy and resentment.

They were lousy parents.

In short, they were people with whom I would have never associated, but-for the fact that they were my parents.

I truly wish them the best, whether they are presently looking down at me or up at me, but I sure don't miss them one bit.

Good on you for doing what you think is right.

Dealing with my parents certainly gave me an opportunity to work the AA program.

BullDog777

I'm still at 1 meal a day for 5 days a week...I cheat the other day and I juice the day after it. I've lost almost 50 pounds. Even when I cheat, I can't put away a 1/3 of what I used to. It's been a repetitive habit that my body has grown used to and grew to expect. I'm very comfortable with it.

As far as the addiction part of the food...i let that happen 1 day a week. The other days, i just power ahead.

Sorry I haven't been around much. I got kidney stones again and I've been recouping from that. It has sucked major a$$.

I've talked to my parents several times since I laid down the law...and to my brother....and for the first time-maybe ever-we're really attempting to respect each other's needs and or opinions.

So that's a good thing.

Sometimes I don't know what to say about not drinking anymore.
It's been so long, It doesn't really ever occur to me -even as a fleeting possibility. My brain just doesn't go there anymore.

I talk about it to my therapist sometimes-remembering the hell it caused-or to a friend who still suffers, but never an urge or a compulsion-or a craving. I thank God those urges are gone.

I'm not dumb enough to say I have any thing beat or I've figured it out. I've done what it takes though to get sober and have a good life. An that's what's gotten me to where I am today.

Sometimes I just run out of things to say. Maybe that's a bit of peace or a chunk of serenity. Maybe both. Kidney stones or not, my life has gone from hell to one I love to live. That's because of you guys supporting me and the work I've done in therapy.

Now I can't stop writing....so now I babble...about the good things...about the peace...about the happiness...about how if you just hang in there long enough, anyone can do this.

I was a hopeless case they said....F that. God willing, I have just begun the newest chapter.

I hope you're doing well Sassy. Thanks for checking in on me.

August252015

Ahh, Bulldog, ramble on! Love your last post for lots of reasons. Thank you for trusting us to be here.

Glad you are taking care of yourself.

Gottalife

I have related a lot to this thread. My father was a great guy. My mother is a nasty piece of work with whom I have no contact these days.

However, when I was drinking I put them both through hell, made my father ill, and no doubt made a sizable contribution to my mother's present circumstances.

I have made amends to both. There was a full reconciliation with my father, he was so delighted his son was on the right track at last. I did everything I could to help my mother, both in terms of treatment for her alcoholism, and her financial well being and quality of life after he died. I consider I have made all possible amends, yet she continues to drink and continues her hateful behavior.

There is nothing I can do about that. I have done my part, now neither me nor my family have anything to do with her, and I am fine with that.

My extended family have told me in recent years that they never approved of her treatment of me, something I was unaware of. Even so, my active alcoholism still caused her harm in many ways and just because she is nasty did not relieve me of my obligation to put right what I can of my own mistakes.