Arthox

I've been lying in bed for the past 3 days because I poisoned myself with alcohol, not on accident this time, which is insane. I had alcohol poisoning less than three days before that. The only reason I didn't 3/3 weeks is because I had a week where I didn't have to talk to anyone or do anything.

I've been lying in bed for three days vomiting and having diarrhea. Shaking so bad that the sensation of cold completely turns into some indescribable sensation. I've been hallucinating things out of the corners of my eyes. I was able to online order food last night, after like 60 hours of this, but there was no way I could drive.

So I guess I'm 3 days sober. I can feel like every organ inside me, and guess what. I want to drink. What is wrong with me? Why was I able to not drink for so long in the past and now it's like I'm subconsciously trying to kill myself.

My brain doesn't function without alcohol. I feel like I'm too far gone. I'm choosing to use it so I can talk to people and not feel like I'm perpetually coming off acid and trading "thinking" for my life. Why can't I just think normally or take a prescription that doesn't make my anxiety worse.

I'm so scared of what happens today.

ScottFromWI

My guess is that you are an Alcoholic Arthox, just like me. I tried desperately to figure out why for years, and went through some pretty horrific detoxes that included trips to the ER too.

The solution for me was to accept that the only way out is to never drink another drop of alcohol, ever. And to quit trying to figure out why. You'll never find an answer as it doesn't exist.

Immediately I would suggest that you should strongly consider a supervised rehab program to get yourself back on track. It seems like you "can't function" without alcohol - but that's entirely the opposite. You can't function with alcohol. You are literally destroying your body and mind with it actually.

3 days is a good start, but it's very very early in the process. Acute withdrawals can last for a couple of weeks or more. After that it can take months to repair all the damage that's been done - but the thing is that you CAN repair a lot of it. Continuing to drink alcohol guarantees failure. Quitting gives you a chance.

LadyBug66

You are not too far gone. Just hang in there. Every minute you don't drink helps your body and mind heal.

D122y

See a Dr.

Here is the world according to d122y

...i get some meds, or already have some meds, and i mix them meds with booze...

Now I am in another level of hell on earth...

The only way out is to suffer like i have never suffered before.

This will take a month or more. This is physical with underlying mental.

As the physical dissipates, the mental ramps up. This takes many more months.

It has taken years to heal and I still crave daily.

Suffering is the only way out I know of. I call it growing up.

If there was an easy way to get sober, everyone would still be a drunk.

Thanks.

CupofJoe

You're not too far gone. Would you consider seeing a doctor today?

It's scary, but if you can get through this and get into recovery, you can get better.

You've gotten used to functioning with alcohol, but you can learn to live without it again. Your addiction will try to trick you, but you can get through this.

It's not too late.

Wishing you all the best.

CRRHCC

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/...s-treatments#1

Hopefully, the worse part is over. The real question is WHY? People behave the way they do for a reason. You can't get addicted to a substance or a behavior, that you have not learned does something for you. What is that, "something?" Why do we behave the way we do? What is the root cause of our actions? Why do specific circumstances in life, that are very important to us, make us feel overwhelmed, helpless, trapped, powerless and lacking control? How do we regain control of our feelings?

Arthox

Thanks, everyone. I think I have to get into some sort of out-patient rehab or I die. Every time I'm having a craving I'm trying to read a book, or distract myself, or take a stimulant, or St. John's Wort. Nothing will distract my brain. I feel like I'm just typing words for the sake of typing words. There is nothing going on in my head. Alcohol is the catalyst every morning that gets my brain jogging. Caffeine makes me weird, jittery and awkward. I don't want to spend the rest of my life always having alcohol on my brain or having to find a support network. Even if I need it. I don't know if I feel more pathetic at a support group or when I'm dying from alcoholism but I think it's the former.

I'm trying so hard to convince myself that it gets better. I've gone 3 months and the first month, it did get better, because I scared myself into sobriety. But in that whole period, I don't feel like I had a single thought. As I'm a writer, or just...a human, I enjoy thinking. Alcohol allows me to be myself, laugh, respond to things like a human would. God, I can hear the hypocrisy of my own thoughts screaming at themselves.

Yeah, I need rehab.

Arthox

I think the worst thing is I feel like all I do is complain to friends and family. I'm not trying to. It's just when someone asks what I've been doing with my life the answer is drinking and writing alone because I'm so insanely depressed that I ****** up the "love of my life" and synthetic marijuana has given me chronic headaches and altered my level of intelligence like a chemical hammer bludgeoning in my brains from smoking it only once. My entire muscular system feels like it's about to snap like uncooked pasta. My teeth are literally falling out. I have this massive blood clot. My toenails are about to all fall off. My chest constantly heaves and I'm running out of breath for no reason at age 27. I know 27 seems young, but I'm 9 years deep into this. It's wild how everyone I know abuses alcohol, cigarettes, all sorts of uppers and weed, and my body can't tolerate any of it. And then they get up in the morning with motivation and pep and laugh at stuff and read books, then keep repeating and repeating and repeating day after day.

I'm just trying to stay alive. I would kill to be religious and be able to get baptized and felt like something in me changed. But I'd feel like a fool, standing in a pool, as I do now. The only difference is this pool is on the inside and the fool is on the outside. SEE! I cannot write these words without the aide of alcohol.

ScottFromWI

Try to keep it simple Arthox. Your addiction is definitely trying to keep you confused on purpose to keep you drinking.

I don't know exactly where you live, but just about every place I know of has people you can call to get help. Most municipalities have public or access to private rehab/detox. The salvation army is even a possibility and offers free detox in many areas.

Bottom line, pick up the phone and call someone who can help. If you sit around listening to/arguing with your addiction you'll just end up with more of the same. Call AA, call a help line, heck - you could even call 911 and ask them where you can go for help.

Anna

I think this is a time for you to take action. Make a list of things you can do today to stay sober. Make yourself accomplish something each and every day.

I do think it gets harder and harder to stop each time that we stop. I think part of that is due to the emotional/mental impact that drinking has on our lives. Each day I felt worse about myself. But, have faith that you can make the decision to stop drinking and succeed.

I also hope that you talk to your dr. It sounds like you have some physical issues going on that should be checked out.

Arthox

The funny thing is I've recorded myself going down the list of every Suicide Prevention Hotline help whatever and it always takes like 16-20 phone call (TRY IT!) until someone DOESN'T ask me for my credit card information first thing....on a suicide prevention hotline. I'm still editing the video because it's kind of disturbing.

I appreciate your words. I just feel so defeated. I wish drugs didn't ever exist. Or I was born Mormon, or something. I have a friend who will let me stay at her house and glare at me if I talk about drinking, but it's not enough, and she's kind of a crazy unpredictable nympho and it's Friday. I have another friend who also wants to quit doing her DoC and have me move in with her at the end of this month so we can take personal responsibility for each other. I'm not sure I can make it that long and I literally just started paying rent on a new house.

Arthox

Just tell me, what should I accomplish each day?
I can't think of anything I care about that isn't crushed by the weight and apprehension of my anxiety disorder.

ScottFromWI

How about not drinking alcohol - that would be a pretty significant accomplishment.

As a diagnosed anxiety sufferer myself, I can tell you with absolute certainly that quitting alcohol will help you deal with your anxiety.

Arthox

After how long? I can't take 3 more months of paranoid thoughts and delusions that can easily be squashed by one drink. The only reason I drink is because of an anxiety disorder. The disorder came before I ever had a taste of alcohol in my life. It's also the only medication to ever relieve it. I'm aware it's not ultimately helpful, but what do I do?

I guess just keep asking what do I do?

ScottFromWI

My experience is that it literally took well over a year for me to get a handle on my anxiety issues after I quit drinking. Once I examined and learned more about my anxiety, it was clear that I've likely also always had it. I started drinking daily when I was about 16 years old, mostly because it helped me be more social/fun. Also I simply LOVED the feeling I got when i first got drunk.

And to be honest, alcohol did "work" for a time to keep my anxiety under control. But fast forward about 25 years and it made things exponentually worse.

The first step though is to quit drinking, no question. And you will very likely feel like crap for a while because your brain simply needs time to get used to the change.

After that, you can proactively start finding other healthy tools to help you live with your anxiety. For me that toolkit has many facets - therapy/counseling, excercise, diet, cutting out/reducing stimulants ( caffeine/sugar ), meditation and mindfulness, reading, spending time here on SR, I even tried some some meds along the way.

But what you have to accept is that both getting sober and dealing with your anxiety are going to be a process....not an instantaneous happening. And very likely you will need to make changes and have setbacks along the road.

But i can tell you with 100% certainily that my life is far better now than it was when I was drinking. It took a lot of hard work and time to get here, but it was very possible. And it's possible for you too. Yes it will be hard - but could you possibly be any more miserable than you are right now because of your drinking?

tomsteve

i think the best thing you could do TODAY is look into inpatient rehab and start making phone calls to get lined up with one.

CRRHCC

Now is the time for ACTION! Get some help. You could be self medicating an underlying disease that can be cured. Obviously, this is not something you can fix on your own.

BullDog777

This is how the illness works. It takes everything from you and then you die from it unless you do something to stop it.

If you don't want to die, you have to take extreme measures to stay sober. It's that simple.

None of this starts out easy or pretty for any one of us. Early sobriety is messy and scary. It's supposed to be. But this is the part where you HAVE to remain vigilant if you want to live. It's also that simple. Notice I never said easy.

If you require around the clock care, commit yourself. I know of a few people who have checked themselves into the hospital and said they were suicidal and thought they were going to drink themselves to death. They got help.

This isn't something you have to die from. It's something you can chose to survive if you can get the help.

I wish you all the best. I really thought I was too far gone. I wasn't ....I'm coming up on 3 years in March. If I can do it so can you.

AAPJ

+100

Surlyredhead

Arthox,

You are in a battle you can not win, that is why the first step is admitting we are powerless. I am powerless against Alcohol, if I get in the ring with it, it will win every time. Once I admitted, and more importantly BELIEVED it, I knew I had to walk away from the fight and get away from my enemy.

I was 28 years old when I went into a long term treatment, I went in as indigent, I was homeless, I had been locked up, I had been committed into a psychiatric unit (*twice) two warrants out for my arrest, sick as a dog, and I was tired, more tired than I ever thought possible, I had to give up the fight and walk away from alcohol. It literally kicked my butt. Treatment was 90 days inpatient, then I stayed for another year and three months working with Candidate In's (*New Residents) It seems like a long time, but it saved my life. Almost 25 years later, I still remember how bad I felt the day before I quit drinking for good, that it took two months for me to stop sweating through the sheets at night, that it took over 2 years for my short term memory to start coming back, that it took almost 4 years before I could fall back asleep after a night terror woke me up, but each day after I stopped, I felt a little better, and there is not one day, no matter how bad it might be, that is worse than my best day while I was drinking.

There is not one person here that didn't start at day one, then two, then three. I have had so many day One's I lost count, then the last time, they just kept going. You are not alone here, we have been where you are now. When you post and think it sounds crazy, we understand, we felt that way too. I had to ask at a meeting one time if I was making any sense at all, I didn't even feel like I was speaking English!

Please, Please, Please DO NOT give up, even if you slip, start again and again and again, however many time it takes, then one day.....the days will turn to months, etc. Baby Steps, we are here to catch you if you need and we are here to cheer you on too. You Matter and you can do this.

Cathy