LiveLikeGold6

UGH. Story of my life.

As a millenial woman I have never been able to have the same friend or set of friends for more than 10 years. I let go of most much sooner than that. Recently I've found myself really only having one close female friend and today I told her I cant do it anymore, need a break, resentments were getting huge and I blocked her.

I guess its an alcoholic thing to tally the wrongs, let resentments fester, and then explode somehow.

With that being said I feel justified. My feelings matter. I just wish it didn't have to be this way so often. I did NOT appreciate having to listen too hours on end of her justifying being with her chronically verbally abusive and cheating live in mooch of a boyfriend, and then listen to her sharp judgments about anyone I dated. It was so hypocritical. And the judgements didn't stop there. Long story short, I know she isn't the healthiest person so maybe a break was in order regardless.

I just want to focus on my sobriety, my children, my career, my physical health, and even getting back to church. I just don't want to have to be friendless I make them easy enough but keeping them is a whole nother story. Guess I'm just bearing my soul in hopes of a warm hug from SR lol. People here really seem to be the best

Stayingsassy

This will sound terrible....but I find female friendships unbearable. I keep trying, but the friendship dynamic between women can really suffocate me. They tend to be enmeshed, dramatic, and overwhelming: even with women who are not alcoholic. I like women, in fact I adore my three daughters, and my two older ones are adults. But I have very strange female friendships. Clingy, suffocating, difficult, sometimes weirdly passively verbally abusive, and so far not worth my time, but I’m not writing them off yet. I do have long distance female friends I really like, but women who live close to me I tend to keep more at arms length. I’ve even had a couple of female friends actually hit on me when drunk, even though I am straight as an arrow and they know that for a fact! My mother is enough. I have to have my mother in my life, but all other women are optional, and I’m tired of feeling like it’s my feminine imperative to hang out with female friends.

I like men a lot, and I have made male friends here and there through my marriage, and they are lighthearted and fun yet sensitive friendships...my husband is not a jealous person at all and would not mind if I saw them more, but still I don’t spend a lot of time with male friends for obvious reasons. Although despite some light flirting here and there, they seem to have boundaries that most women I meet do not have. Why is this??? I am not a woman hater at all, in fact I am a feminist, but I so far have not had it work out.

Anyway, if you can relate at all to this rant, I totally understand what you are saying. Even though I did not in any way have any advice that is helpful for you.

Open your heart to all people, of all genders and ages. That’s what I’m trying to do, even though I am too introverted for my own good!

LiveLikeGold6

I hear you on the clingy some times passive aggressive verbal abuse lol i guess i just needed the fresh start!

SnazzyDresser

SR and the people here are the very best, that's true! LiveLIkeGold, it can be difficult to get along out in the world with difficult people, and it's an art not a science knowing when enough is too much and when you should just cut toxic people out totally. That's how life is, for drunks and non-drunks alike. All the best to you as you navigate these tricky waters, and know that you will always have friends and support here on SR as you meet these challenges while staying sober and taking proper care of yourself. It's often difficult to get along with ourselves too, that goes without saying haha!

WaterOx

This has been a struggle for me all my life. I finally realized had enormous boundary issues that I needed to take charge of.

Check out the book "Boundaries" by Henry J. Cloud when you get a chance. It helped me a lot!

PhoenixJ

warm, virtual totally appropriate hug given.

Focusing on recovery can mean we wake up feelings long dormant as well. I am questioning 'friendships' at the moment. A time of re-birth perhaps.

Support to you.

saoutchik

Good to see you LLG!

I wouldn't stress too much over this. Long term friendships are hard to maintain when we're drinking due to volatility and when we get sober we change ourselves and our old friends remind us of our old habits.

MantaLady

I get that LLG, I am quite similar. I have never had a group of friends for a long period of time either. Some of it is down to moving around a lot as a child and at some point we had moved so many times keeping in touch with old friends seemed to become a full time job, so I just stopped keeping in touch. Because of that mindset and upbringing I also don't think I ever was around people long enough to hit challenging times and get through them still as friends. I always moved before anything went wrong so when I grew up and started having friends that I didn't move away from I hadn't learned how to deal with the sh$t that sometimes comes along with it too.

I have no real female friends at all and as a rule I don't get along with women. I much prefer the no nonsense company of men. I find I have very little in common with most women I meet other than two 'X' chromosomes and that is where the similarity ends most of the time.

Being an alcoholic can have an impact but I have had these issues keeping friends way before I hit the bottle, during addiction and in sobriety so I don't blame the drink for it. It's something much deeper in me that is there regardless. Not even sure I want to fix it to be honest, I am a bit of a loner, are happy with my own company and don't need vailidation from others to feel good about myself.

I find with the female relationships I have had it goes like this: They want to whine and whinge about the man in their life or how hard it is being a woman. They come back week after week moaning about the same thing over and over again. I am supposed to say nothing, if I do they take offence and turn on me. If I start talking about my issues or problems which are not related to men or being a woman they don't understand and then go and repeat the information to their husbands/boyfriends which they think is absolutely fine, or alternatively they say nothing to my face and then bitch about it to another of their girlfriends.

I am happy living on my own, having a few good lad mates and that'll do me. It used to upset me and I would wonder why me, what's wrong with me, I don't want to be alone but that was something I could never fix as I was looking for the kind of friendship that was idealized in my head, the perfect friendship if you will and if it didn't live up to my standards and expectations I would move on.

Sorry for rambling, no answers here lol but I do get where you are coming from!! xx

Ghostlight1

I'm very careful who I've let into my life.
Basically, the friends I have now I've known for thirty years with a few exceptions.
A couple of them drink. I buy one beer sometimes. It's been ten years sober for me and none of them have ever questioned why I quit drinking.

They're my friends because they are wonderful, engaging, empathetic, generous and very kind people.
I'm really lucky to have them in my life and I love them like brothers, and two sisters.

What's really cool is they mostly know me as an alcoholic. It never comes up. They except me for who I am today, and I them.
I realize I'm very fortunate.

Cosima11

My mother was petty, ridiculous, verbally abusive.. but I had a really good relationship with my sister growing up, so that's what I try to emulate in my female friendships. For whatever reason the people I tend to get along with instantly and most consistently with are gay guys. But I've moved around a lot so naturally lost touch with a lot of people. Also I've been creating and maintaining boundaries in ways like never before in sobriety.

However the profession I'm trying to break into is pretty "social" (which I'm convinced I wouldn't have landed in if it weren't for drinking.. but that's one aspect of it I don't regret) and based on building connections, networking, relationships. Rather than presenting myself as a walking advertisement.. it's better to just connect with people organically and let the rest follow. So I'm in sort of a weird place right now. I care less about my social life than ever before, yet in another way it's becoming one of the most important aspects of my life.

Anyway that's a lot about me you probably didn't need to know.. but I guess just wanted to say never feel bad for letting go of a toxic friendship, there's just no time to waste on things like that in adulthood.

Surlyredhead

I understand where you are coming from LLG, it used to be hard for me to "associate" with other females. I do have a very good friend that I have known most of my life. She doesn't judge, there is no competition, just love and support. I feel very fortunate to have her. Most of my "friends" before I quit drinking were guys, and I no longer associate with most, just too toxic to my recovery.


Fast forward a few 24 hours, now my circle for friends is small, but awesome. I have a mix of male and female friends that I am grateful for. I enjoy being able to talk to other women (and men) who I trust enough to let close to me. I found that once I was comfortable with myself, and accepted who I was, it was easier to be friends with other women. Now than I am in my 50's, I am more relaxed with the aging hippie I am. I don't need approval and I don't want to try to be someone I am not, being older and in recovery has a great freedom. I have a lot of acquaintances, and everyone I know, knows I am in recovery, but just a handful of friends.

Most relationships in life are not "forever" relationships, some last longer than others. When it gets to the point that being around someone you used to call friend causes stress, bitterness and resentment, it probably is time to move on. Those are all big issues to those of us trying to stay sober. Plus, lets be honest, life is to short and valuable to be miserable! IMHO, you did the right thing removing yourself from a situation that was becoming toxic.

Just keep on being true to yourself, and the friend you think of will show up out of the blue!


Cathy

Ghostlight1

Cosima,
I think your post is interesting. I had a bad mother, too. And father, for that matter. They were toxic, so I let them go. So I get what you mean about toxic friends and I've had those, too.
That's why I cherish my true friends.

Stayingsassy

My mother was OCD, perfectionist about female beauty, controlling, often manipulative, incredibly sexist toward her own gender and had ridiculous expectations for me that she had for no one else; first and foremost, that I be beautiful. She was also generous, engaged with us, cared deeply about our educations, despite going about it the wrong way wanted us to be happy, and put her all into being a mother: no one is all good or all bad. We still have a relationship but I do not allow her to be verbally abusive, if she is, she gets checked on her behavior, and she tends to back off the next time I see her.

My dad was openly loving, caring, nurturing, intuitive, brilliant, sensitive to people’s emotions, a deep thinker, gave unconditional love, and was a safe haven for me growing up....probably the only reason I have some self worth about who I am as a person.

When I meet women, I often find little pieces of their personality that remind me of my mother, it hits me in the gut and I just sort of shut off, or really want to get away.

Conversely, men seem to have a sort of halo effect for me, I assume the best in men, and that hasn’t always worked out in my favor as you can guess! But believing in the goodness of men has contributed to the length of my marriage and the security it has provided, there is nothing like faith in people to help relationships persevere.

Unfortunately I do have that male/female trust dichotomy, and being aware of that is important because I refuse to write off a whole gender, it’s stupid and super limiting, so I move forward hoping to accept women into my life a little better than before now that I am sober and better able to see things as they are.

Stayingsassy

Also, I’m very close with my daughters, and they have been affected by my distaste for women. Now that I am sober, I am very careful about my language regarding women, because they are listening to what I say, intently. I need to be fair and balanced in how I interact with people, talk about people, or react to situations with other people. I need to rise above so that they can feel safe socially, something they all have struggled with because of me. Now that I am sober, it’s late for some of that, but I believe we can grow, learn and teach at every age, especially if we are not constantly burying our heads in the sand.

Cosima11

Sassy, I do understand about the skewed expectations and the other issues you mention with your mother. More than I even want to delve into honestly.. I had written out a whole reply but long story short, I get it.

It's definitely true that it's never too late to grow and change your viewpoints/the way you relate to others so you can model it for your kids. That said I can tell you love your daughters a lot and I've only ever noticed you speaking highly of them. That's the first and most important thing they'll remember.

Stayingsassy

Thanks Cosima.

Livelikegold, I am sorry I hijacked your friend thread into a personal therapy session! 😂

Obviously I have issues here and I appreciate the opportunity to (over)share.

OP I agree that if a friendship feels off, there is nothing wrong with taking a break, and I appreciate that you called it a break, which shows you are willing to give her a chance....and I think people usually deserve a second chance.

SoberCAH

I had to give up spending time with virtually all of my buddies/friends when I got sober, because I had to make an seismic shift in my lifestyle and my time with them all involved alcohol, even though most of them didn't have a problem with it.

I had to first learn to become healthy myself, through God and the 12 Steps in my case, before I could develop health relationships with others.

I have a good many friends these days, mostly, but not entirely, male.

My female friends tend to be ladies with whom I have been in meetings with for a long time and friends of my wife.

Glad you're here with us, Gold.

Please don't drink and stick around here with us.

LiveLikeGold6

I love you all! Did I say I love you all? But yes I really appreciate the feedback and the chuckles. I am definitely going to check out that Boundaries book, I have a feeling it will speak to my situation as well.

Sassy no worries at all! When you all share like this I feel so normal lol.

This was my first weekend sober. It was hard. I blocked and unblocked my drinking buddies a few times scared (and then hopeful) that they would text me to come outside. I'm glad I ended up staying in, cleaning my house (literally), and renting a scary movie!