MovingForward1

I caused angst in this forum and I regret that but I could use a thought or two on this Christmas Eve. I miss my friend and there's little solace since his suicide., I hate what I became and in general haven't been doing well with moving past it. I'm sober, I get to see my child regularly, but I haven't moved past the if's. I'm stressed about Christmas day tomorrow, holding it together, not breaking down in tears.
i gave it all away to the drink decades ago. I don't know how to do it sober! First sober Christmas in decades.
I'll never have it back..., my life, my kid, my 6 figure job, my car, my clean judicial record. How can a drink be more important than my own child??? Let alone everything else? Jesus, what have I done?

JJanew2017

Take a breath and think about the future. No matter how hard we try we can't change the past. It takes time to fix the messes from our drunken days and nights. Hugs, and it does get easier with time,

Maudcat

Ach, this really is a terrible time of year for us.
I have been troubled lately with a hurt I caused a friend many years back.
Breathe. This will pass.
Everything does.

MovingForward1

Thank you both, I was on hold with a hotline number for too long. I'm despondent at this point. Yuck!

least

How about a hug? I hope you can find the inner strength you need to recover.

Healthyandsober

big hug

you may not get all back but you can get your kid back if you stay clean, your nam said it all you need to move forward. i don't know what this mean but i know it will be painful.

i had lost everything too. im with you and I wish you a happy holiday, God will help us and if you don't believe in him then we will.

much love please keep trying.

BullDog777

Thanks for the PM.
I've lost a family member to suicide. It destroyed a large part of me for many many years. I tried to drink it away. I tried to fight it away. I tried to rage it away. I tried to do everything but heal from it.

In the end, I had no control over his actions and that was one of the things that hurt so bad. He was clinically depressed. He was bipolar among other things and he couldn't find a way to survive any of it.

After I got sober, I sought therapy. A lot of therapy. An it was my own pain that made me so angry and sad about his death. Because what he essentially did was transfer all his suffering to everyone that ever loved him and the worst thing about it was that he never gave himself another chance to get better. When I know he could have. That was the tragedy in it all.

I hear your pain and I feel it because I've felt it myself. I've lost my family during some of my benders and I know how that feels.
The crazy part of this all is, and maybe the saving grace of depression and anger is that life is forever changing as long as we show up.

A lot of times we get out of it as much as we put into it.

I was dying. I was a chronic alcoholic and I had just about destroyed all my family and relationships and my organs. I sat in a hospital for 4 months not knowing whether I was going to ever recover.

3 years later, I have recovered. It took an incredible amount of work and fortitude and resolve. Most of all it was the promise I had made to myself that I would not look back anymore. My brother was dead. My first love was dead. My wife hated me. My daughter hated me. None of my friends cared anymore but I wasn't going to look back.

From the day I got sober, it was about building a future. I know this sucks and it hurts but it gets 10000 times better. We just have to give it the time and effort it takes to heal. An if you want to bad enough, I have ZERO doubt you can come back from it all and live a happy life too.

Anytime you need an ear, hit me up. I'll talk to you anytime and I'm awake most nights. Life is too exciting to sleep anymore. See? That's how I choose to define terrible insomnia! Just a bit of humor.

I hope you feel better and take solace in the fact that you can have an amazing life, still.

Dee74

Hi MF - I'm sorry for your pain.

You caused no angst here - what you felt was genuine concern, not angst

I never thought I'd get back what I lost either - but I reckon I got more back in the end.

Sure I would never have designed the life I have now for myself - I couldn't have - because I didn't really know what I needed until I found it.

I still feel the pain of loss too but eventually I learned to live with it and move on again.

There's a reason why I'm here and its my job to find out what it is and what to do next.

I'm glad you're sober

I had to be - it was all too easy to drink and stay stuck in pain sadness and melancholy - I was rubbing raw wounds and never letting them heal.

I hope 2019 is the year you find out where to go from here, Moving Forward -= peace and goodwill to you .

D

MovingForward1

BullDog, Dee, everyone that replied to me. Thank you. I'm pushing through this.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear you are doing better today MF, it's a rough time of year for all of us. Something you said in your original post stuck with me - you said "I am sober, I get to see my child regularly". Those 10 words are some of the most powerful you could have written moving into next year. I know the "what if's" are always looking over our shoulder, but how fantastic that you can come back to them with those 10 words. And the first three are the most powerful of all. Blessings to you and your family.

neferkamichael

MovingForward1, Merry Christmas, rootin for ya.

DayTrader

It sounds to me like you're operating from the position that you made conscious decisions to put drinking ahead of those things. While I'm sure some people have made that decision (though I'm dubious), in my case "decisions" like that were made for my by my alcoholism. BECAUSE I'm alcoholic, things like that WILL happen.

Does someone with cancer decide to have a tumor grow and metastasize within them? Do they decide to have those cancer cells move to various other organs? Of course not, THAT the cancer grows and spreads is part of the nature of the illness.

For many people, those who have the disease of alcoholism (here I'm referring to something different than someone who just drinks too much and too often), "decision" like those you described are not decisions, they're common manifestations of the disease.

Learning that, I didn't get to beat myself up anymore about all those bad things I had done, even though I felt like I should continue to beat myself up.

The really important thing is this: having acquired this new knowledge - that those types of bad things I don't want to be in my life anymore WILL continue to happen until I recover from alcoholism, NOW I HAVE A DECISION TO MAKE. I can choose to take solid concrete actions to change - completely - OR... I can choose to take my chances with the disease and just hope things change.

Dave42001

Sending prayers your way!! Stay strong, Friend!!

fini

sending good thoughts, MF.

Free2bme888

((((mf))))

plop

MovingForward1, we cannot change the past, and the funny thing is that regret is only going to make us ourselves feel miserable, if we regret something we can no longer fix. It took me a long time to realize that. Blessings to you.

PhoenixJ

I lost everything you have- plus my life for a short time because of decades of drinking.

All I know is I want to live and will do anything to sat that way- my experiences were terrible. I want to heal, I want to be happy (or at least sometimes) and have peace in my heart. Xmas 2015- I was out for the count after drinking 5L of wine a day in a very unsafe place.

It really does not matter what I do to survive (not a victim, not now) what I do- so long as I try. So long as I reach out and ask for and accept support. So long as I never drink again.
My life now is so much more productive and so less depressing. You have to fight for yourself now- because sobriety is, the foundation of what you/we can achieve.
Keep posting, join threads, read, research, make a recovery plan, get help, go to meetings, journal, learn, share- support.

My prayers and support to you MF.

Stayingsassy

You have your health, you have your beautiful child, you have life. With these blessings there is always...ALWAYS hope for a better life in the future, starting now.

You have lost a lot. I don’t think there is anyone here who has escaped alcoholism unscathed. Let the gravity of what has happened be treated with the respect and caution it deserves, and let sobriety heal you in the coming months.

I hope you find some peace.

4sobriey

Please don't let alcohol beat you up any more! I pray you stay "in it to win it" 'cause you deserve so much more out of life and path that opens those doors is the path of sobriety! I can't tell you it's easy...as it has been my biggest challenge...I can tell you it's worth it!

NYCDoglvr

I'd been going through holiday seasons relatively free of emotions until this year, when my dog died. So I felt really down most of it but have been sober long enough (27 years) to know it will pass as everything does. Now I'm back to normal and can help others who are depressed.