Alcohol problem = plan for sober life
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 363
Wow, if anyone is still reading this thread, I hope it has provided positivity in some fashion. I've mentioned this before, but tomorrow marks 4 years since one of the darkest days of my life, and I almost decided to throw in the towel.
I was on a road trip and experiencing a buildup of emotion, anxiety, depression, all from alcohol. This particular morning as I was packing up my campsite, a buddy of mine snapped a pic of me crouching down next to a fog filled lake. The picture was dark and I am barely visible with the morning light. It was almost the last pic of me ever taken.
As that day wore on and the mental fatigue of anxiety plagued my alcohol withdrawal mind and decision making, the day suddenly felt bleak.
I was now solo from my riding buddies and at a crossroads for decision as we had gone our separate ways to end the trip. However, I wasn't done yet as I felt there was nothing for me to return to. The anxiety increased as I sat in a roadside cafe deciding where to head next. Emotions flooded me and I started to cry. I recognized the problems and felt no reasonable solutions were at hand. I hated myself.
There was a pulling of some sort and I decided to keep riding, but as I was going up the road my phone was going off from those back home trying to reach me. They knew based on my last phone call I wasn't right. I pulled off the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere and stood in a field next to my bike avoiding the calls yet needing another break. My mind was swirling with emotion, indecision, hatred, fear, and all that you can imagine. I was crying again. As I stood there pondering my next move, there was a fleeing thought this could all just end with one final decision.
The wind was breezy, the sun was shining, and in the field was a large tree providing a vast amount shade with an ample number of birds resting in wait. It felt peaceful for a split second. No sound but the wind rustling through the leaves. This feeling flooded my whole body and I envisioned myself lying in the field under that shaded tree, placing the gun to my head and how the sound would reverberate in this quiet remote area. I thought of my family, my friends, and all the negativity of my alcohol fueled ****** up life that would just end abruptly. I imagined no one else knowing except the birds that would flee from the sound of a single shot fired. It would be the only sound and it would all be over.
The scene running through my mind stopped and I came back to the reality I could somehow change this. Although I was at my darkest moment, there was some shed of light left. This was my down and out moment, although at the time I just didn’t recognize it.
As I look back, the moment was surreal and there was a strength in me that mustered from within allowing a brevity of hope. I knew deep down there was a better way, I just didn’t know how to get there. But I realized I didn’t want to be done and I never wanted to feel this way again.
I spent the next several days traveling around and taking the long way home, contemplating my decision to change my life. There’s another picture on my phone I took of myself a few days later standing on the side of a mountain view, and this is where I dedicated myself to change.
These two pictures are my reminders of strength. I am so glad to be here. Since that day I’ve put thousands of pictures in my phone of a life I would’ve never experienced. I am grateful for another 24.
I was on a road trip and experiencing a buildup of emotion, anxiety, depression, all from alcohol. This particular morning as I was packing up my campsite, a buddy of mine snapped a pic of me crouching down next to a fog filled lake. The picture was dark and I am barely visible with the morning light. It was almost the last pic of me ever taken.
As that day wore on and the mental fatigue of anxiety plagued my alcohol withdrawal mind and decision making, the day suddenly felt bleak.
I was now solo from my riding buddies and at a crossroads for decision as we had gone our separate ways to end the trip. However, I wasn't done yet as I felt there was nothing for me to return to. The anxiety increased as I sat in a roadside cafe deciding where to head next. Emotions flooded me and I started to cry. I recognized the problems and felt no reasonable solutions were at hand. I hated myself.
There was a pulling of some sort and I decided to keep riding, but as I was going up the road my phone was going off from those back home trying to reach me. They knew based on my last phone call I wasn't right. I pulled off the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere and stood in a field next to my bike avoiding the calls yet needing another break. My mind was swirling with emotion, indecision, hatred, fear, and all that you can imagine. I was crying again. As I stood there pondering my next move, there was a fleeing thought this could all just end with one final decision.
The wind was breezy, the sun was shining, and in the field was a large tree providing a vast amount shade with an ample number of birds resting in wait. It felt peaceful for a split second. No sound but the wind rustling through the leaves. This feeling flooded my whole body and I envisioned myself lying in the field under that shaded tree, placing the gun to my head and how the sound would reverberate in this quiet remote area. I thought of my family, my friends, and all the negativity of my alcohol fueled ****** up life that would just end abruptly. I imagined no one else knowing except the birds that would flee from the sound of a single shot fired. It would be the only sound and it would all be over.
The scene running through my mind stopped and I came back to the reality I could somehow change this. Although I was at my darkest moment, there was some shed of light left. This was my down and out moment, although at the time I just didn’t recognize it.
As I look back, the moment was surreal and there was a strength in me that mustered from within allowing a brevity of hope. I knew deep down there was a better way, I just didn’t know how to get there. But I realized I didn’t want to be done and I never wanted to feel this way again.
I spent the next several days traveling around and taking the long way home, contemplating my decision to change my life. There’s another picture on my phone I took of myself a few days later standing on the side of a mountain view, and this is where I dedicated myself to change.
These two pictures are my reminders of strength. I am so glad to be here. Since that day I’ve put thousands of pictures in my phone of a life I would’ve never experienced. I am grateful for another 24.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Congrats jimmyJlover and thanks for the uplifting updates. They are just the right thing for this forum and for all of us. They are encouragement for newcomers and rejuvenating for old timers. Proof and evidence that results come with putting work into sobriety and recovery. Goodatcha!!!
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