Just waiting for the day to end
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Just waiting for the day to end
Just waiting for the day to end so I can say I didn't drink. Such joy, right?
The truth is I have been drinking off and on for months now. Some would call it "moderating" but that's total ********, I know. It's more like having a few beers, feeling disgusted and then stopping, only to repeat it a month, a week or a day later.
I'm one of those people who can't say "I hate the holidays" enough without people telling me to shut up about it. Lots of family **** tied up in all that. Couple that with Xmas parties near every day until the 25th, followed by New Years.....I mean wtf.
Meanwhile I feel like every time I drink I come nearer to death. I mean that is literally the feeling I have. I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if this time I've really done it. Cancer, cirrosis, hepatitis, organ failure...something.
Yet I know at some point this is going to pass and I will be faced once again with that despicable AV and life and all its ********, wondering if just maybe if I drink this time it will be any different.
I'm so tired of this. I know I have come a long way but I'm so tired of it, the best thing I could do was come here and make a pity party for myself and hope the day, the weeks, the years and the rest of my life just fly by so I can say "hey I didn't drink today...great".
I don't know what else to do. I'm not really looking forward to hitting "post" because to admit to so much failure is painful. But have been trying to downplay it and keep it under wraps for too long and thought maybe posting could help. I just need to understand how bad my problem is and for some reason it's incredibly hard. Delusion, cognitive dissonance, denial....stupidity....call it whatever you want but it's a powerful force.
The truth is I have been drinking off and on for months now. Some would call it "moderating" but that's total ********, I know. It's more like having a few beers, feeling disgusted and then stopping, only to repeat it a month, a week or a day later.
I'm one of those people who can't say "I hate the holidays" enough without people telling me to shut up about it. Lots of family **** tied up in all that. Couple that with Xmas parties near every day until the 25th, followed by New Years.....I mean wtf.
Meanwhile I feel like every time I drink I come nearer to death. I mean that is literally the feeling I have. I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if this time I've really done it. Cancer, cirrosis, hepatitis, organ failure...something.
Yet I know at some point this is going to pass and I will be faced once again with that despicable AV and life and all its ********, wondering if just maybe if I drink this time it will be any different.
I'm so tired of this. I know I have come a long way but I'm so tired of it, the best thing I could do was come here and make a pity party for myself and hope the day, the weeks, the years and the rest of my life just fly by so I can say "hey I didn't drink today...great".
I don't know what else to do. I'm not really looking forward to hitting "post" because to admit to so much failure is painful. But have been trying to downplay it and keep it under wraps for too long and thought maybe posting could help. I just need to understand how bad my problem is and for some reason it's incredibly hard. Delusion, cognitive dissonance, denial....stupidity....call it whatever you want but it's a powerful force.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi WaterOx
I'm sorry Xmas is not such a great time for you but I really believe you'd cope better sober.
Going into the dysfunction that is my family, I'm always glad of a clear head.
apart from SR what have you tried?
D
I'm sorry Xmas is not such a great time for you but I really believe you'd cope better sober.
Going into the dysfunction that is my family, I'm always glad of a clear head.
I don't know what else to do.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 22
It’s obviously taken you a lot to post, so well done you! I have no helpful advice and I don’t think the whole ‘be strong’ will help, but just know I have read your post and think you’ve been brave to write it..... good luck
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
When I got to the point where drinking was no longer fun and I had more regrets than happy memories, I knew I had to quit. Like many, I wasn't able to get past those first hurdles....dealing with functions or parties sober, facing my dysfunctional family sober, and learning to be happy...sober.
Those things took time, and many attempts at long term sobriety. I've had several "Day 1's" and always regretted going back, it never seemed to change or get better. Then I decided I had nothing left to loose....I decided to try all of those things sober, and I came out the other side much stronger.
I had to get through a few months first, clear my head, and then fight with everything that I had. I hope you decide to fight for your happiness, your worth it, don't you think?
Those things took time, and many attempts at long term sobriety. I've had several "Day 1's" and always regretted going back, it never seemed to change or get better. Then I decided I had nothing left to loose....I decided to try all of those things sober, and I came out the other side much stronger.
I had to get through a few months first, clear my head, and then fight with everything that I had. I hope you decide to fight for your happiness, your worth it, don't you think?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back WaterOx. I get the rollercoaster...it's no fun at all. I'd echo Dee's comments - have you give a recovery plan a fair shot? Just "not drinking" didn't cut it for me. I needed to address other areas of may life and do something else instead of drinking...rather than just replacing it with doing nothing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
WaterOx,
for me the turnaround came when i understood i was a drunk...meaning, for me, that i grasped, admitted, accepted, knew without any doubt whatsoever, that my drinking would NEVER be any different than it was.
you still think it could be?
tough spot, that, and nobody else can convince you.
for me the turnaround came when i understood i was a drunk...meaning, for me, that i grasped, admitted, accepted, knew without any doubt whatsoever, that my drinking would NEVER be any different than it was.
you still think it could be?
tough spot, that, and nobody else can convince you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
I've gone to maybe 20 AA meetings. Enough to know it's probably not for me. I have just begun to devise a "plan" for relapse. It's not very complete, nor do I know what I'm doing. I started listening to podcasts, reading new books on alcoholism and even began looking into (for want of a better term) certain lines of "faith" that I never thought I'd look into.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by WaterOx 
Just waiting for the day to end so I can say I didn't drink. Such joy, right?
The truth is I have been drinking off and on for months now. Some would call it "moderating" but that's total ********, I know. It's more like having a few beers, feeling disgusted and then stopping, only to repeat it a month, a week or a day later.
I'm one of those people who can't say "I hate the holidays" enough without people telling me to shut up about it. Lots of family **** tied up in all that. Couple that with Xmas parties near every day until the 25th, followed by New Years.....I mean wtf.
Meanwhile I feel like every time I drink I come nearer to death. I mean that is literally the feeling I have. I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if this time I've really done it. Cancer, cirrosis, hepatitis, organ failure...something.
Yet I know at some point this is going to pass and I will be faced once again with that despicable AV and life and all its ********, wondering if just maybe if I drink this time it will be any different.
I'm so tired of this. I know I have come a long way but I'm so tired of it, the best thing I could do was come here and make a pity party for myself and hope the day, the weeks, the years and the rest of my life just fly by so I can say "hey I didn't drink today...great".
I don't know what else to do. I'm not really looking forward to hitting "post" because to admit to so much failure is painful. But have been trying to downplay it and keep it under wraps for too long and thought maybe posting could help. I just need to understand how bad my problem is and for some reason it's incredibly hard. Delusion, cognitive dissonance, denial....stupidity....call it whatever you want but it's a powerful force.
The truth is I have been drinking off and on for months now. Some would call it "moderating" but that's total ********, I know. It's more like having a few beers, feeling disgusted and then stopping, only to repeat it a month, a week or a day later.
I'm one of those people who can't say "I hate the holidays" enough without people telling me to shut up about it. Lots of family **** tied up in all that. Couple that with Xmas parties near every day until the 25th, followed by New Years.....I mean wtf.
Meanwhile I feel like every time I drink I come nearer to death. I mean that is literally the feeling I have. I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if this time I've really done it. Cancer, cirrosis, hepatitis, organ failure...something.
Yet I know at some point this is going to pass and I will be faced once again with that despicable AV and life and all its ********, wondering if just maybe if I drink this time it will be any different.
I'm so tired of this. I know I have come a long way but I'm so tired of it, the best thing I could do was come here and make a pity party for myself and hope the day, the weeks, the years and the rest of my life just fly by so I can say "hey I didn't drink today...great".
I don't know what else to do. I'm not really looking forward to hitting "post" because to admit to so much failure is painful. But have been trying to downplay it and keep it under wraps for too long and thought maybe posting could help. I just need to understand how bad my problem is and for some reason it's incredibly hard. Delusion, cognitive dissonance, denial....stupidity....call it whatever you want but it's a powerful force.
but atleast you’re trying <3
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by WaterOx
I've gone to maybe 20 AA meetings. Enough to know it's probably not for me. I have just begun to devise a "plan" for relapse. It's not very complete, nor do I know what I'm doing. I started listening to podcasts, reading new books on alcoholism and even began looking into (for want of a better term) certain lines of "faith" that I never thought I'd look into.
Regarding the meetings....it's important to remember that AA is a lot more than just going to meetings - working the steps is the real "work" of the program, and it happens outside the meetings for the most part. Not that the meetings are not important or helpful of course...but if you really want to be fully engaged in the program you need to work the steps and usually do so with a sponsor. Other recovery groups are similar - the meetings are the place you learn to go out and do the heavy lifting.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by WaterOx
Just waiting for the day to end so I can say I didn't drink. Such joy, right?
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I look at AA kind of like a hospital. If someone shows up at the ER bleeding or doubled over in pain the ER tries to get the patient stabilized. Once their problem is diagnosed a specialist usually steps in and initiates a solution to correct the problem. That could be surgery to remove what's causing the problem, or it could be medication, a change in diet/lifestyle, or any combination of those things. I kind of see AA meetings like the ER where people who come in are comforted and supported to help stabilize them, but it does not necessarily solve their problem. To find the solution many people need to see a specialist/surgeon. In AA that would be an experienced sponsor who can guide one through the steps. And the neat thing about this process is that after recovering the patient can then become the specialist and help new people coming into the ER.
And yeah I get that AA isn't for everyone. I actually enjoyed the meetings but it took me over 20 years of failed attempts to stay sober with meetings alone (or just on my own), and nearly dying from my alcoholism before I finally got on board with the steps. They required some blind faith, a lot of honesty and a good dose of humble pie in order to complete them, and I was lacking in all of those departments. But alcohol had taken me down to the point where I had to either give the steps a try or die. Funny how when I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't live with alcohol or without it I became willing to try just about anything.
And yeah I get that AA isn't for everyone. I actually enjoyed the meetings but it took me over 20 years of failed attempts to stay sober with meetings alone (or just on my own), and nearly dying from my alcoholism before I finally got on board with the steps. They required some blind faith, a lot of honesty and a good dose of humble pie in order to complete them, and I was lacking in all of those departments. But alcohol had taken me down to the point where I had to either give the steps a try or die. Funny how when I reached the point where I felt like I couldn't live with alcohol or without it I became willing to try just about anything.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by WaterOx
I've gone to maybe 20 AA meetings. Enough to know it's probably not for me. I have just begun to devise a "plan" for relapse. It's not very complete, nor do I know what I'm doing. I started listening to podcasts, reading new books on alcoholism and even began looking into (for want of a better term) certain lines of "faith" that I never thought I'd look into.
I'm glad you started this thread.
The repeated frustration of wanting to be sober, but not knowing how to get and stay sober leads to morose thoughts and a feeling of abject failure.
I know those feelings really well.
I hope that I never forget them.
I suggest that you not jettison AA as a means of getting and staying sober.
Participation in AA involves actually working the program - not just going to a handful of meetings.
I go to them, and, more importantly, I work the 12 Steps daily, because maintaining my sobriety is a life and death matter.
It's your life, but I would try to be open-minded.
Kudos for looking into some faith-related initiatives.
My faith works like a hand in a glove with AA.
And, as always, I agree with Grunge's advice, which is supported by his experience, strength and hope, and chronic alcoholism, that he shares with us in his posts.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Originally Posted by WaterOx
I've gone to maybe 20 AA meetings. Enough to know it's probably not for me. I have just begun to devise a "plan" for relapse. It's not very complete, nor do I know what I'm doing. I started listening to podcasts, reading new books on alcoholism and even began looking into (for want of a better term) certain lines of "faith" that I never thought I'd look into.
Honestly I'd be trying everything I could right now if I was you.
This is a great link introduction to making a recovery action plan.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by WaterOx
I've gone to maybe 20 AA meetings. Enough to know it's probably not for me. I have just begun to devise a "plan" for relapse. It's not very complete, nor do I know what I'm doing. I started listening to podcasts, reading new books on alcoholism and even began looking into (for want of a better term) certain lines of "faith" that I never thought I'd look into.
To your credit at least you have gone to a few meetings. In 1988 I fell down a flight of stairs after night of black out drinking. I was determined this time to do something about my drinking so a few days later I decided to go to an AA meeting. Unfortunately, I got lost trying to find it. (I was living overseas at the time.)
So, I said f-it and went to get a drink. It was another five years before I went looking again. This time I found the meeting and have been sober ever since.
Sometimes I wonder what life might have been had I gotten sober in 1988. But it is what it is.
Good luck and remember you only don`t have to drink for today.
Never mind tomorrow. Let tomorrow take care of itself when it comes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: usa
Posts: 55
Success Congrats
Today you did something others couldn’t you didn’t drink. I am sure your know of others that are “successful” and Cannot do what you did today. So congrats. Maybe you could do what others can’t and not drink tomorrow... but don’t worry about that until tomorrow and enjoy today’s success!!
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Keep at it WaterOx, I'm in the same boat. I am currently reading the rational recovery book and find it very interesting. Might be worth checking out if you haven't already done so as it appears to offer a fairly opposing philosophy to AA
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