When members drink again
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
As one of those members who looked like he was doing well and then went back out, I'd like to chime in. I WAS doing well. Still had issues looming but got news that the legal result wasn't going to be the end of my world. Told my significant other, whom I dearly love, and her reaction was not the relief I was feeling. Whatever final plea deal we reach is going to involve a little bit of shock time behind bars, possibly a few weekends or something like that, and house arrest with work release, and then probation for a much shorter time than I would have guessed. On the serious side, if I had gone to trial and lost on everything, with sentencing enhancements I was potentially facing a decade or more in prison. I had literally been terrified of that outcome since the beginning.
While "ecstatic" doesn't describe my mood over it, I WAS tremendously relieved the REALLY bad stuff was no longer on the table. Her reaction was not one of relief. There was some overt hostility and a lot of anger and fear on her part. Me being the alcoholic that I am, I didn't give her the time or space to work through that on her own, while being supportive of her in any way I could.
I panicked. I wanted this fixed and fixed NOW. This was good news. Even if it seemed like bad news, right? I lived in my own fears of losing her and the life we had planned for a few days, isolating more and more all the while, and not reaching out for any help or support of my own. You all know the inevitable conclusion- I eventually reached the point in my head where I decided it didn't matter anyway, F it all, and I got lit.
Looking back, I can see lots of things I SHOULD have done, but didn't do any of them. Went against advice I was getting and pushed and pushed because I just wanted my fear and anxiety to stop. I don't blame her at all for walking away. I blame me for not doing the right things and supporting her and taking care of me. And here's the kicker that I think entraps a lot of us alcoholics- I couldn't even begin to remotely see what I was doing to myself or it's inevitable conclusion.
That favt that i didnt didn't even begin to have a clue scares the sh$t out of me. Because I know if it happened that time it could happen again. And I really don't want it to. I'm trying really hard to take the advice I'm being given, and to do what I need to every day to take care of myself. Because I don't ever want to be in that hell again.
Anyway, that's my analysis of how I relapsed. I've worked through it with my really good sponsor and my therapist and I think it is pretty accurate. For me, anyway.
While "ecstatic" doesn't describe my mood over it, I WAS tremendously relieved the REALLY bad stuff was no longer on the table. Her reaction was not one of relief. There was some overt hostility and a lot of anger and fear on her part. Me being the alcoholic that I am, I didn't give her the time or space to work through that on her own, while being supportive of her in any way I could.
I panicked. I wanted this fixed and fixed NOW. This was good news. Even if it seemed like bad news, right? I lived in my own fears of losing her and the life we had planned for a few days, isolating more and more all the while, and not reaching out for any help or support of my own. You all know the inevitable conclusion- I eventually reached the point in my head where I decided it didn't matter anyway, F it all, and I got lit.
Looking back, I can see lots of things I SHOULD have done, but didn't do any of them. Went against advice I was getting and pushed and pushed because I just wanted my fear and anxiety to stop. I don't blame her at all for walking away. I blame me for not doing the right things and supporting her and taking care of me. And here's the kicker that I think entraps a lot of us alcoholics- I couldn't even begin to remotely see what I was doing to myself or it's inevitable conclusion.
That favt that i didnt didn't even begin to have a clue scares the sh$t out of me. Because I know if it happened that time it could happen again. And I really don't want it to. I'm trying really hard to take the advice I'm being given, and to do what I need to every day to take care of myself. Because I don't ever want to be in that hell again.
Anyway, that's my analysis of how I relapsed. I've worked through it with my really good sponsor and my therapist and I think it is pretty accurate. For me, anyway.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
“Eventually reached the point where I decided it didn’t matter anyway, F it, and I got lit.”
One thing we do well as alcoholics is attach drinking to emotions, to anything that happens to us, to disappointment, to grief, to celebrations: drinking just “goes with it” no matter what it is.
What if you permanently removed drinking as a solution for anything? What if it just was no longer a choice, what would you do then?
Notice the anxiety that comes up when you decide drinking isn’t an answer anymore, it’s just gone, there is no more drinking no matter what happens?
That anxiety, that right there: that feeling of panic at the loss of drinking, that is a live addiction. Like a live wire.
Recognize all feelings and thoughts about drinking as addiction, not you.
“Eventually reached the point where my alcohol addiction decided for me that it didn’t matter anyway, my addiction decided to **** it all for me, because it decided nothing mattered anyway...”
Even though you did matter, your wife matters, your family matters, and the live wire in your head doesn’t give a flying rats **** about how your family is, or whether your family even lives or dies, it just wants you drunk until you die.
That is my thinking on relapse prevention for myself. F it indeed. F my addiction that wants me dead. Because it all does matter.
One thing we do well as alcoholics is attach drinking to emotions, to anything that happens to us, to disappointment, to grief, to celebrations: drinking just “goes with it” no matter what it is.
What if you permanently removed drinking as a solution for anything? What if it just was no longer a choice, what would you do then?
Notice the anxiety that comes up when you decide drinking isn’t an answer anymore, it’s just gone, there is no more drinking no matter what happens?
That anxiety, that right there: that feeling of panic at the loss of drinking, that is a live addiction. Like a live wire.
Recognize all feelings and thoughts about drinking as addiction, not you.
“Eventually reached the point where my alcohol addiction decided for me that it didn’t matter anyway, my addiction decided to **** it all for me, because it decided nothing mattered anyway...”
Even though you did matter, your wife matters, your family matters, and the live wire in your head doesn’t give a flying rats **** about how your family is, or whether your family even lives or dies, it just wants you drunk until you die.
That is my thinking on relapse prevention for myself. F it indeed. F my addiction that wants me dead. Because it all does matter.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by zjw 
i dunno i got over 7 years sobriety. and theres a lot of stuff i simply dont post about becasue i dont get the help i need here. I also ponder going to aa but i feel like i just get empty talk. Ya know "you'll figure it out" type stuff lots of feel good fluff but it lacks substance. My life is extremely stressful right now and i'm doing all i can to keep the ship from sailing into the "i might drink territory" but its a battle. If i pick up again it'll be because lord knows i tried not to but just had about all i could handle. Or i'll be in a corner drooling on myself i dunno.
I think about it with how hard life is for me. I dont want too i really dont. I got to thinking as stressful and horrible as crap is now is it worse then when i got sober? and i'm like nope... Getting sober was way way way way harder then what i got going on. but it still aint easy.
at the end of the day tho if someone else picks up again its on them. All ya can do is be a warm and cozy place they can run to to sober back up. Or for some they have to play the tough love role what did you go do that for etc.. Everyones got there place in this little support group. No one likes to hear the tough love but we gotta hear it at times. And when you drink and come back to the group its nice to have follks say "hey its alright dust yourself off and get back on the wagon is all".
I think its always going to be a battle for me. sometimes its so simple to stay sober. other days i wanna go drink in the worst way. I dont see that changing.
I think about it with how hard life is for me. I dont want too i really dont. I got to thinking as stressful and horrible as crap is now is it worse then when i got sober? and i'm like nope... Getting sober was way way way way harder then what i got going on. but it still aint easy.
at the end of the day tho if someone else picks up again its on them. All ya can do is be a warm and cozy place they can run to to sober back up. Or for some they have to play the tough love role what did you go do that for etc.. Everyones got there place in this little support group. No one likes to hear the tough love but we gotta hear it at times. And when you drink and come back to the group its nice to have follks say "hey its alright dust yourself off and get back on the wagon is all".
I think its always going to be a battle for me. sometimes its so simple to stay sober. other days i wanna go drink in the worst way. I dont see that changing.
I hope you are giving yourself plenty of pats on the back for taking on 3 issues like you did and figuring it out. If someone had told me I would never drink again when I first got sober all I would have felt was relief. Are you a bit impressed with you? I am.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
“...at least if I drink at the weekend I have a relief. I hate my life.”
It sounds like the drinking is not a relief for your life. It’s a relief for your alcohol addiction, which is causing most of your unhappiness.
You believe the drinking relieves you because that’s what your drinking self desperately needs you to believe. Otherwise you might just get sober and your addiction, which is alive, kicking and winning, will die. It is like an entity that gets fed. Sobriety starves it. Eventually. Unfortunately though, it takes a long time for the addiction to starve.
Think of what you want and need in life. What alcohol is stealing from you.
All alcohol gives you is a buzz. In return, it takes your whole life.
Sobriety is not about avoiding aggravation. Sobriety is about getting your SELF back. That is different than “happy.” It is different than “getting all the things.” It is a very, very deep, peaceful sense that no matter what happens in life, you are ok with yourself. For the first time in your whole life, melancholy or not: in sobriety, you become your own friend.
It’s not easy at all. It’s powerful, though.
It sounds like the drinking is not a relief for your life. It’s a relief for your alcohol addiction, which is causing most of your unhappiness.
You believe the drinking relieves you because that’s what your drinking self desperately needs you to believe. Otherwise you might just get sober and your addiction, which is alive, kicking and winning, will die. It is like an entity that gets fed. Sobriety starves it. Eventually. Unfortunately though, it takes a long time for the addiction to starve.
Think of what you want and need in life. What alcohol is stealing from you.
All alcohol gives you is a buzz. In return, it takes your whole life.
Sobriety is not about avoiding aggravation. Sobriety is about getting your SELF back. That is different than “happy.” It is different than “getting all the things.” It is a very, very deep, peaceful sense that no matter what happens in life, you are ok with yourself. For the first time in your whole life, melancholy or not: in sobriety, you become your own friend.
It’s not easy at all. It’s powerful, though.
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