13th Stepping
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13th Stepping
In AA and NA parlance 13th stepping refers to sexual predators that may be found at meetings. While the numbers seem quite small their impact on vulnerable members may be quite dangerous.
At my former home group there was a lady, 20 years sober, who at times would speak of her poor suffering husband and her libidinous nature.
In sharing on one occasion I had spoken of my sordid sexual past as part and parcel of my drinking problem. Some time later, at another meeting she suggested more than a cup of coffee. I had turned 70 and she was some 20 years younger. She explained that she also belonged to Sex and LoveAddicts Anon a group also using a twelve step program. It seemed that she sought sexual liasons there with both sex and thought perhaps I might like to join. Clearly my share had indicated to her that I was still the same sexually as indicated.
While somewhat flattered and tempted I chose to decline.
As a rule of thumb when someone leaves an AA rehab it is sometimes suggested they avoid relationships for 12 months. As for predators: one may falsely see such as friendship. Alcoholism is a major problem in itself and AA does not profess to be sex educators.
On going back a good many years I now see, that for me, lust was also a problem that caused much stress as love is quit more complex. Harm may well tranfer to many where thoughtless trysts are involved.In today's very open society this may sound quite Old Hat but, as I see it, lust masquerading for love will usually end badly.
At my former home group there was a lady, 20 years sober, who at times would speak of her poor suffering husband and her libidinous nature.
In sharing on one occasion I had spoken of my sordid sexual past as part and parcel of my drinking problem. Some time later, at another meeting she suggested more than a cup of coffee. I had turned 70 and she was some 20 years younger. She explained that she also belonged to Sex and LoveAddicts Anon a group also using a twelve step program. It seemed that she sought sexual liasons there with both sex and thought perhaps I might like to join. Clearly my share had indicated to her that I was still the same sexually as indicated.
While somewhat flattered and tempted I chose to decline.
As a rule of thumb when someone leaves an AA rehab it is sometimes suggested they avoid relationships for 12 months. As for predators: one may falsely see such as friendship. Alcoholism is a major problem in itself and AA does not profess to be sex educators.
On going back a good many years I now see, that for me, lust was also a problem that caused much stress as love is quit more complex. Harm may well tranfer to many where thoughtless trysts are involved.In today's very open society this may sound quite Old Hat but, as I see it, lust masquerading for love will usually end badly.
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She sounds like a piece of work. Trolling 12 step meetings for sex addiction for sexual partners...like going to AA to find drinking buddies. Or NA to score drugs. I get it happens but that's the lowest kind of low.
What a nut job.
What a nut job.
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Somehow, this doesn't surprise me. In the series Breaking Bad, they captured that aspect of 12 step programs when Jesse and his buddies decided to pretend to go to meetings as addicts to find people they could sell meth to. And it wouldn't surprise me to find predators hanging out a Sex Anonymous and treating it like a meet up instead of a recovery program.
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Some people who are addicts and alcoholics transfer their addiction to love/sex and then proceed to prowl the rooms looking for someone to engage with. I saw it all the time in the large urban meetings when I first got sober. It's just another means of avoiding oneself.
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Originally Posted by LaceyDallas 
Some people who are addicts and alcoholics transfer their addiction to love/sex and then proceed to prowl the rooms looking for someone to engage with. I saw it all the time in the large urban meetings when I first got sober. It's just another means of avoiding oneself.
Lending money, offering employment, letting them stay awhile at your home. You need to be careful.
Switching addictions is common: food, gambling, sex, sponsor/sponsee manipulation etc.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...ng-in-recovery
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It's worth noting that AA meetings are not the only place where this kind of behavior happens. It can even happen in online forums and it's why we have the "no tolerance" policy in place here. And switching addictions is very, very commonplace too.
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I went through a very similar experience when I first got sober.
The young lady who came onto me wanted me to attend a SLAA meeting with her.
Like you, I declined.
In my case, it was because i knew it was wrong and I was very fearful that it could lead to a relapse, which I could ill afford.
I have been married almost the entirety of my time in the program.
And I follow the cardinal rule of never, ever flirting.
As an aside, I have always thought that 13th stepping was a term which also included dating between or among people in meetings involving people who were by no means sexual predators.
I can think of few better ways to ruin a good AA meeting than by bringing that type of dynamic into it, but people do fall in love, whether it's in bars, at work, in church, in meetings or in a wide variety of other contexts.
The young lady who came onto me wanted me to attend a SLAA meeting with her.
Like you, I declined.
In my case, it was because i knew it was wrong and I was very fearful that it could lead to a relapse, which I could ill afford.
I have been married almost the entirety of my time in the program.
And I follow the cardinal rule of never, ever flirting.
As an aside, I have always thought that 13th stepping was a term which also included dating between or among people in meetings involving people who were by no means sexual predators.
I can think of few better ways to ruin a good AA meeting than by bringing that type of dynamic into it, but people do fall in love, whether it's in bars, at work, in church, in meetings or in a wide variety of other contexts.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
It's worth noting that AA meetings are not the only place where this kind of behavior happens. It can even happen in online forums and it's why we have the "no tolerance" policy in place here. And switching addictions is very, very commonplace too.
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Originally Posted by SoberCAH
I went through a very similar experience when I first got sober.
The young lady who came onto me wanted me to attend a SLAA meeting with her.
Like you, I declined.
In my case, it was because i knew it was wrong and I was very fearful that it could lead to a relapse, which I could ill afford.
I have been married almost the entirety of my time in the program.
And I follow the cardinal rule of never, ever flirting.
As an aside, I have always thought that 13th stepping was a term which also included dating between or among people in meetings involving people who were by no means sexual predators.
I can think of few better ways to ruin a good AA meeting than by bringing that type of dynamic into it, but people do fall in love, whether it's in bars, at work, in church, in meetings or in a wide variety of other contexts.
The young lady who came onto me wanted me to attend a SLAA meeting with her.
Like you, I declined.
In my case, it was because i knew it was wrong and I was very fearful that it could lead to a relapse, which I could ill afford.
I have been married almost the entirety of my time in the program.
And I follow the cardinal rule of never, ever flirting.
As an aside, I have always thought that 13th stepping was a term which also included dating between or among people in meetings involving people who were by no means sexual predators.
I can think of few better ways to ruin a good AA meeting than by bringing that type of dynamic into it, but people do fall in love, whether it's in bars, at work, in church, in meetings or in a wide variety of other contexts.
I had a bad experience going out with a co-worker years ago. It was uncomfortable working in the office with a woman who ends up with someone else in same company. That was last time I dated a co-worker.
I met an AA couple who moved together from another area of the U.S. to my AA community. The woman was quite the looker and I felt bad for he guy when it became apparent his girlfriend had eyes for another member.
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I saw this the others day and I was thinking exactly what Scott said and would have said the same its called talking advantage I'm not aa but singling them out ignores the far wider problem like at home or at work - this happens a lot so you can't just say aa because its the first one anyone thinks of in recovery
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
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Originally Posted by Soberwolf
I saw this the others day and I was thinking exactly what Scott said and would have said the same its called talking advantage I'm not aa but singling them out ignores the far wider problem like at home or at work - this happens a lot so you can't just say aa because its the first one anyone thinks of in recovery
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
What is different is the destructive nature of alcoholism and the often broken individual who walks through the AA doors.
To be honest I find the people I work with and those I meet at the church social gathering my wife has me attend more sane/less drama driven than many in AA.
.
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Originally Posted by Bubovski
Quite so. It can happen in places of religion, employment, clubs, basically anywhere. As for alcoholics and drug addicts who are extremely vulnerable people, perhaps the thirteenth step should be raised more at their meetings. Indeed, Bill was held as being a victim of such......
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Originally Posted by Soberwolf
I saw this the others day and I was thinking exactly what Scott said and would have said the same its called talking advantage I'm not aa but singling them out ignores the far wider problem like at home or at work - this happens a lot so you can't just say aa because its the first one anyone thinks of in recovery
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
If people care do something in your day to day life say something to a friend or colleague
Humans are weird lol
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted by Bubovski
My error should have read----perpetrator of such.
Here`s an interesting read which highlights both the good and the bad.
https://www.amazon.com/My-Name-Bill-.../dp/0743405919
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I got bored back in May while attempting to do 90 in 90 and proceeded to hook up with one such eligible bachelor. I was six months sober when the relationship started. It had many highs and lows but all in all was very very risky and ended last week with me packing his belongings and placing them on the porch. Ew. Tacky.
I'm okay with it. I got out relatively unscathed, with some new life lessons under my belt. I will still hit my one year sober mark on Friday. Do I think it could have been much worse? Absolutely. Do I wish I would have taken the advice of the people who said wait? Nah, I feel like I learned so much about myself. But would I advise newcomers to avoid dating in the program? You bet. Not that they will listen.
I will say one red flag I wish I'd paid more attention to was when he said in the very beginning he was truly an addict, simply preferred AA meetings over na because the girls in na wore too much makeup.
I'm okay with it. I got out relatively unscathed, with some new life lessons under my belt. I will still hit my one year sober mark on Friday. Do I think it could have been much worse? Absolutely. Do I wish I would have taken the advice of the people who said wait? Nah, I feel like I learned so much about myself. But would I advise newcomers to avoid dating in the program? You bet. Not that they will listen.
I will say one red flag I wish I'd paid more attention to was when he said in the very beginning he was truly an addict, simply preferred AA meetings over na because the girls in na wore too much makeup.
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