hummingbird358

was so hopeful that my young adult child finally completed a 30 day residential stay. agreed to do intensive outpatient. then 4 weeks later chose to stop going. my counselor says relapse is going to happen due to the road chosen.... no sober living, ceased iop, now seeing a girl.... not sure if loved one is still attending aa meetings or not.
I realize it is their recovery but it is so hard hearing that relapse is inevitable with the choices that are being made. Hard to stand by and wait for it knowing that hell is going to return. .. I pray my counselor is wrong.

Stayingsassy

Relapse is never inevitable.

That's an irresponsible thing for them to say. Relapse will happen if he is not done drinking. If he is ambivalent about quitting, he may relapse. If he is truly done drinking, then he will stay sober. Iop or no iop. His resolve to stay sober is important. How does he sound to you? Frustrated, restless? Or happy and grateful to be sober? Does the girl drink?

And this is coming from someone who quit iop after 7 weeks and drank again. If I was ready to quit, I would have quit: outpatient rehab or not.

Delizadee

I agree with Sassy... no one is destined for relapse.
If he is ready for sobriety and willing to put in the work, he can do it.
The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Maybe he is not ready for change, maybe he is. Only he knows that, definitely not your counselor.
Time will tell, I hope you can give yourself the gift of peace, taking care of your own health and well being so that no matter what you will be ok.
Try not to be discouraged

BullDog777

There's an old saying around the rooms of AA and recovery places...it goes like this...

"When the time is right, you can say nothing wrong....When the time is wrong, you can say nothing right"

Meaning....if he's really done, it'll all stick. If he's not...it won't. Simple as that.

Sadly, most young people are no where near ready to give up the madness of this.

I was in my first rehab at 22 and I got sober for the last time when i turned 44. In between that 20 years, there were at least a dozen or more rehabs, probably over 100 outpatient treatment programs and several trips to the ER.

All you can do is show him there is another way...you did that . Whether he decides to take it or not is all on him.

Stayingsassy

I knew in my twenties that my drinking was way off what I saw around me. I knew it was far from normal. I had boyfriends who were worse though, so I called them alcoholics and excused myself, I was far from being done drinking. I took a lot of abstinent breaks in adulthood because I was out of control unless I didn't drink at all. I didn't try to quit until age 38. I'm 49. That's how deeply this thing gets its claws in us.

Cosima11

I'm glad your loved one agreed to go to treatment, any sober time is valuable and hopefully he picked up some tools on how to stay that way. However, as I've tried to express before (so I probably shouldn't even be repeating myself).. you cannot control or force his recovery. It has to be his decision 100% of the way.

If he relapses, and even if he doesn't.. will you be willing to acknowledge and change your co-dependent behaviors? In a way it seems like you are addicted to monitoring him and his life, whether he's sober or not.

I'm in my 20s and have been sober for over a year without treatment, outpatient, counseling, etc. I've gotten and stayed this way because I want to be sober, and for no other reason. I have highly controlling family members who would still be prying into and manipulating every aspect of my personal life if I allowed it. I have only gotten stronger and healthier by cutting them out of my life almost entirely. I hope for you and your sons sake it doesn't have to come to that. Give him the space to make his own decisions and live with the consequences of his own mistakes..

totfit

I think it unfortunate that many counselors or AA members assume that when someone is not doing what they did or suggest, that "relapse is inevitable". There is no sure way to predict. I have seen people that get sober and stay sober and am amazed as they did just the opposite or were so hard headed and resistant early on.

All that being said, relapse is more common than not and for some a part of the process to getting sober. I wish you the best, but other than casual conversation, sometimes too much involvement can have contrary effects. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

August252015

One of the statements I loathe hearing is "relapse is part of recovery."

No, it is part of addiction. It is frequent, but absolutely not a given. Period.

SparkleKitty

Rehearsing tragedy never made dealing with actual tragedy any easier, and doing so can make us sick ourselves. This is out of your hands, as it has always been. Take care of yourself, HB.

hopeful4

Take care of yourself HB. He and his choices are in God's hands. Big hugs.

Grungehead

I don't have much experience to give other than what others have already said. I've never been on the other side (friends & family) regarding addiction, but I agree that it's not inevitable that they are going to relapse. At the same time I know through my own experiences that whenever I stopped doing the things that got me sober it eventually led to relapse if I didn't go back to doing those things.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned in Al-anon is I'm powerless over people, places and things. I know it's hard, but let other people's sobriety go........it's out of your hands.