Mtphc

I've been in disbelief reflecting back at my alcoholism lately. I mean I'm almost 4 months sober, but I can't believe all the relapses I've gone through the past three years, and all the hardship I've caused to my family, but at the same time it had been due to my defiance towards my wife, and it had fueled my drinking to extremes.

Just not knowing how to cope and using alcohol to manage my stress and anxiety.

My last relapse is where I finally reached my rock bottom so to speak. I was like " no I can't continue down this horrible path of destruction" . I'm lucky and very fortunate I didn't lose my job and everything else for that matter. Everytime I think back I'm just like what the heck was I thinking, how did my alcoholism get so bad that I ended up having to go to rehab? This is what I've been asking myself lately, and these thoughts are in regular rotation mentally. I try to forgive myself because I know it's not all my fault but it's hard.

It's weird, now I feel like I'll never go back to that again, I don't want to get complacent but I feel very strongly with those sentiments, but it's like how come I didn't feel this confident in the past when things were already getting bad? Why did I have to go through so much BS before realizing just how crazy everything was getting(costing my insurance a fortune in the process), because now I'm just totally repulsed at the very thought of picking up a drink.

Anyway had to share these thoughts, thanks for reading.

Wholesome

Any doubt in your ability to quit for good is your AV talking. Feel free to ignore those doubts and go ahead and believe in yourself that you can do it.

Because you can.

JeffreyAK

I've pondered this myself, why didn't I, why couldn't I, etc. I think in the end, my answer is, because I was addicted to alcohol at the time, and that addiction changed my thought process and severely degraded my ability to see reality as it was, and to make necessary changes in my life. Reasons why I drank don't really matter and seem like excuses now, and escaping anxiety was misguided because my drinking caused all my anxiety in the first place.

I was simply an addict, and addicts behave like, well addicts.

fini

it's shocking, really, to finally see that there really was that thing called denial or warped perception of reality and to know that'y mind' can be so unreliable at discerning truth about myself.

people, including me, often mention a moment of clarity, and that very concept presumes the clouded, foggy, dimmed unclear state that this moment breaks through.

way to go on four months!

ScottFromWI

Yes, it's pretty amazing the things we did, or didn't do, because of our drinking. And denial is a huge part of it.

Having said that, part of recovery for me is realizing that what's done is done - and I can only change how i move forward. And "why" I did those things is not really for me to know.

Stayingsassy

We rationalize for so long that rationalization becomes the norm. "Well, unfortunately from yesterday to today I finished a handle of whiskey from costco, but I didn't drink on Tuesday and Wednesday so it's ok."

any sane, nonalcoholic person would read that sentence and be blown away, but as alcoholics, these kinds of bizarre rationalizations are fine because they keep us in our cups.

That's why breaking away is so hard, our brains get hijacked.

Guener

For me it was primarily about evasion. I was seeking absence from reality, and reality bites back. I agree with the point that people don't understand addicts, because what we do/did is so irrational. Only when my consequences became a stronger pain to me did I think that I wanted to change. With that being said I don't dwell deeply on what happened up to now: I think I have learned enough without performing an autopsy. Is that evasion, too? It's more like avoiding reaching out into the fire that burned me.

Stayingsassy

I do revisit my last drinking weeks. Sometimes I think about chucking the whole sobriety plan because why not? I'll die one day anyway right? But if I look at how it was in the last month, I remember why I made the decision I did.

Not like a full autopsy... But a memory snapshot. quick glance back: me drinking whiskey in our bedroom for 48 hours. Me waking up at 11pm or 2am to continue drinking then pass out again. The texts and the social media updates while in my blackouts.

Just no! Um, no thanks, never again! ☺

Briansy

Sounds horribly familiar

Mtphc

Thanks everyone for the responses thus far.

Yeah this is just how I've been feeling since I got sober again. Just can't stop thinking about that last relapse and how quickly it went out of control.

I guess I realized that there were a lot of things I had to work on, and things from a family standpoint have actually improved as a result.

So all and all things are a lot better, but as far as these thoughts go I don't know, because when I think back these three years like all the ER/doctor visits, missed work, pretty much my whole family knowing what my situation was. I mean if sit down and really think about it, it just looks really bad, but it doesn't seem as extreme then as it does to me now, and this is pretty much where I'm at with it.

fini

and that is a good thing, no?
mostly, it goes the other way around and people decide after a few hours, days or weeks that it really wasn't all that bad.
you have broken out of that skewed view.

Mtphc

Hmm..I guess you're right : )

Now that I really think about it, this last relapse could have been the saving grace for me. Never have I felt this way before.

Mtphc

I can't stop saying how horrible it is to be in that dark place, and where your spouse suspects that you're drinking again and you try to find ways to sneak booze in the house without them knowing, then trying to find hiding spots. It's exhausting.

So glad to be free from that now : )

August252015

Mtphc- it's great you are sober. What are you doing to stay that way? Most people talk about how hating the thought of what they did, or fear of a relapse, or...aren't action-focused enough, as in the what-to-do-now sense, to get and keep them sober. Plus, we can't change any of it and hard as it is at times (and, I did so much that made it hard), that has to be something we square with ourselves.

I had to change my entire worldview, way of thinking, accountability in the world and in relationships - I rediscovered values and behaviors I'd let slide while drinking, and just as importantly, I learned how skewed my thinking was (like that denial and all that you mention, wow!) and how it needed to change.

Glad you are here.

Mtphc

Honestly I don't have any actual plan other than to stay sober.

After going to rehab for a month I realized that I really do love my wife and don't feel anger anymore when I'm with her. I guess that's what I needed: to be away from her for a while, and kind of rediscover everything.

Suddenly I don't have this crazy anxiety that I used to have and the thoughts about drinking are practically gone for me.

August252015

Sounds like a good time for a plan. You probably had some kind of group or individual work or meetings (12 step perhaps) while in rehab? My program is AA and there are various others that plenty of us can tell you work for us - we pretty much all find that a plan of action, not a passive one to just be sober which is non-specific, is crucial to getting any continuing and lasting sobriety.

I had to develop new thought habits and definitely needed time - 4 mo is awesome, and still REALLY early- to handle my anxiety and all my other feelings, past and present. Relying on feelings, specifically, wasn't reliable when I was drinking and I certainly need more than what will pass quickly or slowly, ie feelings, to stay in a good place sober.

Mtphc

Yeah I'm just not into AA like I used to be. I have nothing really against it and I think it's great for a lot of people, but after rehab ( which was good experience by the way) I just couldn't take anymore drunkalogs anymore, don't get me wrong I enjoyed listening and I found them to be very inspirational, but after I was done with that place that was it for me.

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August252015

Sure doesn't have to be AA - folks like Dee can share using "just SR" as a platform for that plan of action that is critical. Others use SMART or AVRT (look for the acronym AV often used around here) or counseling or....

Best to you.

FBL

I believe there's a reason for everything we put ourselves through. Had I not been addicted to alcohol for nearly 30 years, I wouldn't have the insight I have today and the appreciation for the past 9+ years of sobriety.