When does the shame/guilt go away
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
When does the shame/guilt go away
Wondering when the shame/guilt will dissipate? It literally eats away at my loved one who is about 2 months days sober.
Going to meetings doesn't seem to help.
Talking doesn't seem to help.
Going to meetings doesn't seem to help.
Talking doesn't seem to help.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
are you speaking about AA meetings here?
if so, the step-work is what will help with cleaning up and amending harms done and easing the load of shame and guilt also by starting on a path that helps avoid taking guilt-and-shame producing new actions.
if so, the step-work is what will help with cleaning up and amending harms done and easing the load of shame and guilt also by starting on a path that helps avoid taking guilt-and-shame producing new actions.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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In my experience it took quite a while, because I caused a lot of problems with my drinking over multiple decades.
If your loved one is going to AA meetings ( not sure if that's what you mean by meetings ), then as others have mentioned - working the steps is what really helps. The act of going to the meetings in itself is only one part of the process.
Outside of meetings, some people need to seek therapy or counseling if they cannot come to grips with their grief/shame on their own.
If your loved one is going to AA meetings ( not sure if that's what you mean by meetings ), then as others have mentioned - working the steps is what really helps. The act of going to the meetings in itself is only one part of the process.
Outside of meetings, some people need to seek therapy or counseling if they cannot come to grips with their grief/shame on their own.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
My RAH is about to hit 10 months sober, and he is just now coming to terms with the guilt. For the first 8 months of sobriety he worked at his AA program, then he sat in his chair, watching tv. He was diagnosed as severely depressed.
We talked about his depression on a few different ocassions. He told me about month ago that after what he did to his family, he didn't deserve to be happy. Every time he would start to feel happy, he would tell himself he didn't deserve it. And would sink right back to the bottom.
We have 4 adult children and two still at home. At different points during his recovery, the kids told him, that he DID deserve to be happy. Nothing any of us said convinced him otherwise. The RA's are the only ones who can make themselves stop drinking, and they are the only ones who can forgive themselves.
What changed my RAH's thinking? Working HARD at the AA program, reaching out to AA fellows, asking for help, and accepting that help. If your RA is working his program (of choice), he will get there. It's gut wrenching watching them punish and torture themselves, and not be able to help. I can understand where you are coming from. Hopefully he will reach out for help soon.
We talked about his depression on a few different ocassions. He told me about month ago that after what he did to his family, he didn't deserve to be happy. Every time he would start to feel happy, he would tell himself he didn't deserve it. And would sink right back to the bottom.
We have 4 adult children and two still at home. At different points during his recovery, the kids told him, that he DID deserve to be happy. Nothing any of us said convinced him otherwise. The RA's are the only ones who can make themselves stop drinking, and they are the only ones who can forgive themselves.
What changed my RAH's thinking? Working HARD at the AA program, reaching out to AA fellows, asking for help, and accepting that help. If your RA is working his program (of choice), he will get there. It's gut wrenching watching them punish and torture themselves, and not be able to help. I can understand where you are coming from. Hopefully he will reach out for help soon.
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Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,538
Over 17 weeks sober here and the guilt is tearing me apart most of the time. I've been considering going to AA to see if I can talk through these feelings, I also am waiting for an appointment with talking therapies.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Throughout the steps in AA's Big Book there are promises for each step. One of the promises at the end of the 9th step (the step that deals with making amends) is that we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I found that promise came true for me as I started making my amends, although I agree with AtomicBlue that I started to get a sense of that after completing the 5th step.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
Wondering when the shame/guilt will dissipate? It literally eats away at my loved one who is about 2 months days sober.
Going to meetings doesn't seem to help.
Talking doesn't seem to help.
Going to meetings doesn't seem to help.
Talking doesn't seem to help.
Sometimes it also helps to think this if you have done stupid stuff while drunk. Remember the person who might be judging you in life, and we all know they are out there who may have called you a drunk or a drunkard, if that person drank as much as you sure enough some dumb stuff would have been done too.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
It took time. I didn't want to think about or hear about anything I did. Now with more trust in myself, I can listen to what needs to be said without getting defensive.
The guilt wasn't helping me stay sober. I needed to feel like I could repair the damage I had done by promising to quit drinking and keeping the promise.
Staying sober helped relieve the guilt, and forgiving myself was the most important thing I could do. I regret everything I did but none of it can be changed. There's only one thing I can do. I'm doing that, so I have to accept that it's enough. Not forgiving myself, and wallowing in the past, reliving what I've done, and feeling depressed and useless about it not only hurts me but it hurts everyone around me. forgiving myself is my way of being a better person for everyone else.
The guilt wasn't helping me stay sober. I needed to feel like I could repair the damage I had done by promising to quit drinking and keeping the promise.
Staying sober helped relieve the guilt, and forgiving myself was the most important thing I could do. I regret everything I did but none of it can be changed. There's only one thing I can do. I'm doing that, so I have to accept that it's enough. Not forgiving myself, and wallowing in the past, reliving what I've done, and feeling depressed and useless about it not only hurts me but it hurts everyone around me. forgiving myself is my way of being a better person for everyone else.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Every five years or so a few college friends and I get together for dinner. They like to bring up some of the embarrassing stuff I did back in the day. The first time fine. The next time o.k. I can deal with it.
But now... if my drinking history is going to be contentiously be brought up especially when my wife is present forget it.
I won't be going.
But now... if my drinking history is going to be contentiously be brought up especially when my wife is present forget it.
I won't be going.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
It took a good while and lots of step work and prayer for me.
But I grew up in a very shaming environment and I bought into the nonsense my parents spewed at me for a long time.
I forgave my parents many years ago for their drunken, juvenile behavior while raising my siblings and me.
But they're dead now and I don't miss them a bit.
I don't accept shame today, no matter who tries to direct it my way.
But I grew up in a very shaming environment and I bought into the nonsense my parents spewed at me for a long time.
I forgave my parents many years ago for their drunken, juvenile behavior while raising my siblings and me.
But they're dead now and I don't miss them a bit.
I don't accept shame today, no matter who tries to direct it my way.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Of course we, as newly responsible adults, seek to repair the harm we caused as drunks. But that still left a hole for me. I filled it by understanding that this would never again happen, because I would never again drink. I put a lot of my faith in the transformative aspect of my sobriety pledge. Yes, that was me, I did those things. But I will solemnly promise to you, and more importantly to myself, that they will never happen again, and this I know in my deepest knowing place. This is how I came to choose this username. I gave myself a fresh start. This went a long way to moving myself forward, and Onward!
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Is it fair to say that time is the biggest factor in all of this? Because you're not repeating those mistakes and just naturally living a more respectable life? I'm feeling a lot of embarrassment, shame, regret over things I've done not just during binges but generally while living in the fantasy world of being able to escape your responsibilities, issues etc in a bottle. I am hoping that this will naturally go in time.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I think it isn't just time, but putting in the work on recovery instead of just not drinking.
That looks different for everyone, but for me it was facing the past, accepting my part, and looking at the context and reasons my drinking took hold of me in the first place and why it continued.
Developing a sense of kindness and love towards myself has been one of the hardest things of all--I grew up with a lot of guilt as a child, so deep deep neuro-ruts to get out of and re-route in that sense.
Sometimes depression and self-blame is the easier and familiar default as opposed to taking charge of yourself. It also keeps many family and friends locked in to "help" and let you off the hook instead of holding you accountable like any adult.
That last thing is a serious issue for enmeshed family members--everyone hurts.
That looks different for everyone, but for me it was facing the past, accepting my part, and looking at the context and reasons my drinking took hold of me in the first place and why it continued.
Developing a sense of kindness and love towards myself has been one of the hardest things of all--I grew up with a lot of guilt as a child, so deep deep neuro-ruts to get out of and re-route in that sense.
Sometimes depression and self-blame is the easier and familiar default as opposed to taking charge of yourself. It also keeps many family and friends locked in to "help" and let you off the hook instead of holding you accountable like any adult.
That last thing is a serious issue for enmeshed family members--everyone hurts.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I think it isn't just time, but putting in the work on recovery instead of just not drinking.
That looks different for everyone, but for me it was facing the past, accepting my part, and looking at the context and reasons my drinking took hold of me in the first place and why it continued.
Developing a sense of kindness and love towards myself has been one of the hardest things of all--I grew up with a lot of guilt as a child, so deep deep neuro-ruts to get out of and re-route in that sense.
Sometimes depression and self-blame is the easier and familiar default as opposed to taking charge of yourself. It also keeps many family and friends locked in to "help" and let you off the hook instead of holding you accountable like any adult.
That last thing is a serious issue for enmeshed family members--everyone hurts.
That looks different for everyone, but for me it was facing the past, accepting my part, and looking at the context and reasons my drinking took hold of me in the first place and why it continued.
Developing a sense of kindness and love towards myself has been one of the hardest things of all--I grew up with a lot of guilt as a child, so deep deep neuro-ruts to get out of and re-route in that sense.
Sometimes depression and self-blame is the easier and familiar default as opposed to taking charge of yourself. It also keeps many family and friends locked in to "help" and let you off the hook instead of holding you accountable like any adult.
That last thing is a serious issue for enmeshed family members--everyone hurts.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Hi Brainsy;
Yes, I did some short-term CBT which did give some tools, but actually I've found yoga, meditation, journaling, time in nature to be on-going and very precious tools in both my recovery and growth.
A creative outlet is the new project, now that I'm feeling more adjusted and solid.
Yes, I did some short-term CBT which did give some tools, but actually I've found yoga, meditation, journaling, time in nature to be on-going and very precious tools in both my recovery and growth.
A creative outlet is the new project, now that I'm feeling more adjusted and solid.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
I saw this post a couple of days ago and couldn't comment, but I wanted to, so here goes. In my humble opinion, shame and guilt go away when the person who is feeling such emotions allows them to. That's it. For me, during my short inpatient stay, the counselors really pounded this in to me: you should let those emotions go as soon as possible. Whatever you did that makes you feel shame and guilt, a disease played a very significant role, and you had little or no control over that disease, so let them go. Instead of shame and guilt, realize and accept that your actions have consequences, and you will have to endure those consequences, whatever they may be. Shame and guilt are a threat to sobriety. You have accepted the consequences and that is your responsibility, and your only responsibility, so let these personal emotions go.
Telling someone to let go of guilt and shame is of little use. But for me, it was helpful to have these counselors really pound these ideas into my head over several days. Ultimately, I did let go of the shame and guilt. Looking back, I know for certain that the bad things that I did were driven primarily by addiction and I know that I had no control over my addiction, so I don't feel these emotions. I am, admittedly, fortunate that I didn't do anything too terribly bad during those days.
Telling someone to let go of guilt and shame is of little use. But for me, it was helpful to have these counselors really pound these ideas into my head over several days. Ultimately, I did let go of the shame and guilt. Looking back, I know for certain that the bad things that I did were driven primarily by addiction and I know that I had no control over my addiction, so I don't feel these emotions. I am, admittedly, fortunate that I didn't do anything too terribly bad during those days.
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