What I found
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
What I found
So I was going through some old flash drives and I found a video I had made for my daughter probably 8 years ago or so.
I hit play and this video played for about 10 minutes.
I was a mess after it was over.
It was me saying goodbye to my kid because I thought I was dying from withdrawal. I guess I had had a seizure that week or day and I was in really bad shape. My eyes were black, I was sweating really bad, my face was beet red and swollen, I was shaking terribly...i just looked awful.
I was sitting there trying to explain to my kid how I couldn't be there....about how I wanted her to grow up, and about how I didn't want her to be sad without me....God...just writing that gets me choked up. I remember making like a dozen of these videos just trying to explain myself to her. I guess ultimately, this was the best piece of s#it I could put together for her at the time.
You know what kept running through my mind? There are people who have cancer and terrible illnesses that they can't recover from. Many people use this way to get their final words to their loved ones and I was doing this back then by CHOICE!!??!
How f$c&ing INSANE is that??!!?
It's so hard for me to place myself back in a time where my wife and daughter weren't the first and last things I thought about every day.
That something had a hold of me so strongly that I was willing to lay down and just give up. That s#it makes my skin crawl.
One thing is for sure ....I hated that guy. I still hate that guy. Just looking at myself I wanted to just beat the daylights out of myself...reach in and just fu$^ing beat some godd@mn sense into myself because this was NOT the way to live.
An that's what i did for so long.
You know what I did today?
I took my daughter to Claire's at the mall and then took her to dinner and got her ice cream. I ate a salad and she had a monster burger and plowed through a cup of dippin dots.
She had a blast and I felt so good because I could be there for her.
There are days where you will earn every minute of your sobriety and then there will be days that'll end - having made your heart soar because you could be there for someone that needed you.
I deleted the video. Cause that guy is dead.
I hit play and this video played for about 10 minutes.
I was a mess after it was over.
It was me saying goodbye to my kid because I thought I was dying from withdrawal. I guess I had had a seizure that week or day and I was in really bad shape. My eyes were black, I was sweating really bad, my face was beet red and swollen, I was shaking terribly...i just looked awful.
I was sitting there trying to explain to my kid how I couldn't be there....about how I wanted her to grow up, and about how I didn't want her to be sad without me....God...just writing that gets me choked up. I remember making like a dozen of these videos just trying to explain myself to her. I guess ultimately, this was the best piece of s#it I could put together for her at the time.
You know what kept running through my mind? There are people who have cancer and terrible illnesses that they can't recover from. Many people use this way to get their final words to their loved ones and I was doing this back then by CHOICE!!??!
How f$c&ing INSANE is that??!!?
It's so hard for me to place myself back in a time where my wife and daughter weren't the first and last things I thought about every day.
That something had a hold of me so strongly that I was willing to lay down and just give up. That s#it makes my skin crawl.
One thing is for sure ....I hated that guy. I still hate that guy. Just looking at myself I wanted to just beat the daylights out of myself...reach in and just fu$^ing beat some godd@mn sense into myself because this was NOT the way to live.
An that's what i did for so long.
You know what I did today?
I took my daughter to Claire's at the mall and then took her to dinner and got her ice cream. I ate a salad and she had a monster burger and plowed through a cup of dippin dots.
She had a blast and I felt so good because I could be there for her.
There are days where you will earn every minute of your sobriety and then there will be days that'll end - having made your heart soar because you could be there for someone that needed you.
I deleted the video. Cause that guy is dead.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
We dont shut the door on the past completely
because we can revisit from time to time to learn
from it. Don't hate the person but rather hate
the disease. Many of us have been sickened by
addiction but thru a continuous program of
recovery that we live and incorporate in all areas
of our life one day at a time, we recover.
I still have pictures that were taken of my
car I crashed into a concrete culvert 28 yrs
ago sending me to hospital for 10 days pretty
messed up. Those pictures became a teaching
tool to my children back in the day and are
a reminder of how addiction nearly took me
out not once but several times.
Be kind to yourself today and forgive the
man that was sick in his addiction back then
and continue to be the best man, father,
husband, friend you can possibly be today as you
move forward on your journey in recovery.
because we can revisit from time to time to learn
from it. Don't hate the person but rather hate
the disease. Many of us have been sickened by
addiction but thru a continuous program of
recovery that we live and incorporate in all areas
of our life one day at a time, we recover.
I still have pictures that were taken of my
car I crashed into a concrete culvert 28 yrs
ago sending me to hospital for 10 days pretty
messed up. Those pictures became a teaching
tool to my children back in the day and are
a reminder of how addiction nearly took me
out not once but several times.
Be kind to yourself today and forgive the
man that was sick in his addiction back then
and continue to be the best man, father,
husband, friend you can possibly be today as you
move forward on your journey in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Whoa. Talk about never forgetting where we came from, you've got actual footage! Can't imagine the emotional impact of watching that. Thanks for a powerful post, man; so glad you're sober.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Oh wow. I thought at first it was her recording the video....ugh.
And taking her to Claires? That is sufficient penance
My daughter could spend an hour there if I let her......now its Brandy Melville. Haha.
And taking her to Claires? That is sufficient penance
My daughter could spend an hour there if I let her......now its Brandy Melville. Haha.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Glen Allen, Va
Posts: 2,589
What a wonderful read! I think you made the right decision in deleting that video. All in the past now. I’ve thought a lot about why I kept drinking for years even while I was a miserable person. It’s what you said, calling it insane. In that state, we’re not thinking rationally at all. I was ok with drinking myself to death as I saw no other way to stop. Just an awful rut to be caught up in. I’m very glad you managed to escape it and embrace sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I agree with 2ndhandrose that your post is incredibly powerful.
It helped me, because I endured so much misery for so long that I was psychotic.
I couldn't tell what was real from what wasn't.
Thanks for sharing this moving experience.
It's great to get reminders of how bad we were from someone who has actually gotten sober.
It sounds like you have made a very nice amend to your daughter.
It helped me, because I endured so much misery for so long that I was psychotic.
I couldn't tell what was real from what wasn't.
Thanks for sharing this moving experience.
It's great to get reminders of how bad we were from someone who has actually gotten sober.
It sounds like you have made a very nice amend to your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Wow.
I wish I'd had the foresight to shake and cry through a recording. I get these quick memories that flash through my head of the absolute hell and madness of it all...just flashes of "oh sh!t that was bizarre and awful and insanely pathological" but most of the time I cruise along without thinking about it. Sometimes I make myself draw the memories back, of the light drinks leading to liquor leading to blackout and insanity...because after 13 months it fades. So sometimes I make myself remember.
I can't imagine how powerful a video would be.
I wish I'd had the foresight to shake and cry through a recording. I get these quick memories that flash through my head of the absolute hell and madness of it all...just flashes of "oh sh!t that was bizarre and awful and insanely pathological" but most of the time I cruise along without thinking about it. Sometimes I make myself draw the memories back, of the light drinks leading to liquor leading to blackout and insanity...because after 13 months it fades. So sometimes I make myself remember.
I can't imagine how powerful a video would be.
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