Dee74

Like others have said - its alcoholism - we all know it...

we earnestly want to believe this time will be different...but deep down - really - we know it won't be.

We have enough evidence to conclusively prove that.

The whole effort in recovery is remembering what alcohol does to us, where it takes us, and in pushing away the easy fix of buying the next bottle.

Its mot magic or anything - sobrietys just hard work, and we all need to be prepared for that.

It gets easier- don't worry...but the initial stage is pretty labour intensive - but then so is drinking and trying and cover that up....

Start building a plan for next time the idea to drink sounds persuasive
let us know what ideas you have

D

noaddedsugar

Thanks for the advice Dee74

I think I'm just having a hard time accepting this is the position I'm in and I'm unable to control it. I know deep down to recover properly I have to accept it but I don't know how to do that.

My Mother is an alcoholic and she put me through hell when I was younger and I bounced around though different foster homes because of it. I swore to myself back then that I would never ever turn out like her so the level of shame that I've developed this problem is huge. My Mum was a nasty drunk though and that is something I have never ever been (not that justifies my drinking regardless - I've still told lies and been secretive) I've put so much effort into seeming normal when I drink that I've never let my behaviour get out of control and have always been conscious about how I act around my loved ones who definitely don't know the extent of what I'm dealing with. Again I know this is a thing I should tackle and be honest about to them but I don't think I'm able to.

Reaching out for help has never been something that has come easy to me. Reading everyone's stories on here and how they have been sober for so long gives me hope though.

Dee74

Alcoholism is progressive tho. I thought I was very good at keeping things under wraps for the first decade (I wasn't as good as I thoiught I was - noone is but thats another thread...) and then it became impossible for me to keep anything secret for the last ten years because my alcoholism progressed.

I wasn't a nasty drunk either, until I was.

Your mom may have started off a drinker just like you are now.

You have the choice and the opportunity to get off the train now before things get too bad - if you already know that drinking offers you very little, whats left to accept?

D

noaddedsugar

Yeah I know people probably know a lot more than they are letting on at the minute. I'd bottled things up for so long I ended up in A&E earlier this year because I was hallucinating thinking I was dead and in a coma (they put it down to alcohol withdrawal - scariest experience of my life) My partner and sibling were there with me at the time and I broke down and told them everything. They refused to believe me and thought I was just having an episode/reaction to new medication I'd recently started. But I think they will have been watching out for addiction signs since but haven't confronted me.

I've started keeping a journal of reasons to stay sober and forcing myself to revisit the worst situations I've been in with withdrawal that have become much more frequent throughout this year. I know if I don't stop for good I'll end up killing myself and losing everything.

2 days sober again so far!

FeelingGreat

Keep it up NAS. Give yourself a target. How about a week sober? Mark it off on your calendar. Then a month, then a quarter, six months. By the time you post your year of sobriety here many of the cravings, habits and dependence will have gone.

Guessing your worst time is when you leave work? Make sure you have a good snack mid-afternoon. Have something to eat early in the evening. Make yourself a nice non-alcoholic drink.

You can do this.

noaddedsugar

My anxiety is through the roof at right now but trying to be strong. How long does it take for the shakes to stop?

I think the target thing is a really good idea and maybe giving myself a little incentive. For so long I've spent all of my money on booze and haven't bought anything for myself. I can't remember the last time I got new clothes or spent time on real self care. My appearance has diminished and my self esteem is at rock bottom. Insane how I haven't been able to justify 20 on a haircut when I think nothing of spending over 105 on alcohol a week and then there's the amount I've spent on taxis to work because I just couldn't face the train and wanted more time with my morning drink so I could feel better. One cab driver actually said to me recently "You're crazy!The amount you've spent on cabs recently, you could've had a vacation for that."

I was so embarrassed.

Dee74

I have to be honest:

this
does not fit at all with this:

Thats pretty hardcore. Like seriously dangerous stuff. Thats about as 'out of control' as you can get.

People die like that.

I don't see how you kept that one a secret from loved ones either.

I'm not trying to be rude or mean- honestly....but I think you're allowing yourself to be convinced that your problems's not that bad, when it is - and that makes me scared for you.

D

Marissa41

I can tell you from experience Vodka will kill you! I almost died from it several times. I wish you the best and please keep coming back here for support. People here are wonderful and really do understand!