Fronting

Hello. I think about drinking a lot. I got drunk a couple times in the past two weeks but not this past weekend. As much as I want to get drunk and stay that way in that make-believe land we find ourselves in you always come out of it. You can't stay drunk all the time for many reasons. You don't have enough time off work, your health is failing, not enough money and the list goes on.

Why would anyone pick such a non winnable situation for themselves?

The worst part about drinking for me was there is always a time when you have to get sober and face the world again. No matter how hard you try you're gonna to get sober whether you die or not. In this sense it unsustainable. You would have more luck trying to win the Mega Millions for 1 billion than drinking until you are satisfied. You'd have a better chance of being the strongest person in the world than drinking and never coming out of your buzz.

What a horrible place to find yourself in, losing from the very first penny you spend on it to the very end without even the remote slight possibility of winning.

This to me, looking at myself must be a form of self harm of sorts.

Stayingsassy

Great point. I remember years ago being in that getting drunk state thinking "I want to feel like this all the time."

it just doesn't work like that.

Sometimes you gotta get sober and the getting sober part if even just waiting until Friday or until five, gets harder and harder to do.

and some times for some of us you realize waiting until Friday isn't sustainable either, and you've got to just stop drinking entirely. At some point after stopping, the real work begins.

Guener

Well, if you look at it from the perspective of death, yes we ultimately all become sober, but for the alcoholic actively drinking is a process of accelerated dying in many ways. Self-harming behaviors are for many a way of soothing feeling uncomfortable, and alcohol is ultimately physically addicting as well (unlike self-harm forms like cutting). Addicts will spend a penny or ten thousand dollars to not feel ill for a while.

For me, alcoholic behavior began as elective but continued into dependency. I lost everything in the process, like so many others. I may not have done all the things that some addicts do to get relief, but I sure engaged in things that hurt myself and others along the way in major ways. Most addicts end up either ultimately dying or finding another path. I could not drink until, as you said, I was satisfied.

I am not afraid of death, so that's not why I'm on the road to recovery. I'm tired of the self-harm and false and temporary soothing effects of alcohol. While I'm not a happy-go-lucky person, and I still battle with depression and anxiety while sober, I don't have to live in a swath of destruction.

Briansy

For me, the buzz was good enough to justify some mild after affects that would last only a half day. I'll happily trade an entire evening of euphoria for a woolly morning at work. Sadly, as things advanced so did my brain's reaction to drinking - hangovers turned into withdrawals - insomnia, anxiety, general feelings of intense sadness and fear. Not worth it. Still need to work incredibly hard to keep away from it though - the memories of the good times are still vivid.

ScottFromWI

I gave it a heck of go though - If I wasn't asleep I was drunk. And for the most part I was drunk for good portion of my "sleep" too ;-)

But yeah - towards the end of my drinking, I didn't even feel "drunk" when I drank. I needed to drink to simply keep my heart rate down and avoid palpitations/panic attacks/withdrawals.

Stayingsassy

I have memories of the good times too, but they are pretty limited now to just a small handful of times; a vacation here, a concert there. but hijack your dopamine system long enough and it will bite you back, and then before long it will beat you senseless. Me, I was a pro at hangovers and I sweated and shook my way through countless day afters, but it was that utter loss of control while under the influence that finally led me to sobriety.

Briansy

Such a good way of putting it. My last drink was horrible. The euphoria just didn't come. I would take not having any impulse control while drinking as a trade off for the euphoria - but when the euphoria is gone AND my impulse control is too, then that is a particularly pointless and joyless combination.

Stayingsassy

Lack of impulse control catches up. That's when people get really, really tired of your crap, and you start to not recognize yourself.

Briansy

So true. It all catches up - the weird behaviour comes on really quick and alienating others happens at the drop of a hat. And the rage and anger is only a heartbeat away at any given time. The brain definitely giving you a very clear message for sure. Thanks for articulating it so clearly.

NYCDoglvr

Alas, alcoholism isn't a rational disease. It progresses and periodic drinking becomes daily then constant drinking for the alcoholic. The alcoholic is powerless over what happens and how much he/she drinks.