Is it too early in my sobriety to divorce?
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Is it too early in my sobriety to divorce?
My marriage is toxic for me. I don't want to be near him, or living with him any more.
He spends a lot of time out of the house, so I considered staying married and just emotionally separating, to minimize the amount of trauma to everyone. In fact, my father is frail, and I believe the last thing he needs is his daughter getting divorced in his last year of life. My daughters say they have no opinion about it, because they don't feel close to him.
I fear for my sobriety, and if I'm able to hang onto it, I know my cross addictions will take me down, if I don't find a way out, at least in a spiritual sense.
I suppose I answered my own question: this will need to wait until my father has passed. And also, the holidays are not really a good time to initiate something terrible like this. I'm not in any danger, except from his frequent verbal barbs and his tantrums, but that is more just general misery than danger. I'm not the same person I was, and my ability to tolerate a difficult relationship is not as easy as it was drowned in booze.
I just wonder if it's too early to make these kinds of life changes. I know AA recommends 12 months, but 12 months has passed, now.
Thanks for listening.
He spends a lot of time out of the house, so I considered staying married and just emotionally separating, to minimize the amount of trauma to everyone. In fact, my father is frail, and I believe the last thing he needs is his daughter getting divorced in his last year of life. My daughters say they have no opinion about it, because they don't feel close to him.
I fear for my sobriety, and if I'm able to hang onto it, I know my cross addictions will take me down, if I don't find a way out, at least in a spiritual sense.
I suppose I answered my own question: this will need to wait until my father has passed. And also, the holidays are not really a good time to initiate something terrible like this. I'm not in any danger, except from his frequent verbal barbs and his tantrums, but that is more just general misery than danger. I'm not the same person I was, and my ability to tolerate a difficult relationship is not as easy as it was drowned in booze.
I just wonder if it's too early to make these kinds of life changes. I know AA recommends 12 months, but 12 months has passed, now.
Thanks for listening.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
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I'm married and not living with my husband. It's possible.
This is important time for me to get to know myself, heal, have space for recovery.
I'm not alcoholic. I'm finding time to get firm in self-confidence and adjusting to all the changes in my life have greatly helped my recovery.
One day at a time.
This is important time for me to get to know myself, heal, have space for recovery.
I'm not alcoholic. I'm finding time to get firm in self-confidence and adjusting to all the changes in my life have greatly helped my recovery.
One day at a time.
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Only you can make that final decision. I think the reason or part of the reason why AA says no major decisions in the first year is because in early recovery we are very emotionally driven, very impulsive people.
When we get right down to it, none of us know each other very well, we save each other's lives in the dark so to speak.
That being said, I only know you as a very logical, goal driven, strong willed individual who is often wise beyond her time.
If you really believe he's toxic, then you are probably making the right decision.
I don't think this is impulsive either. You've brought it up before. You've asked your kids...you're not running off to do something crazy.
If this is what you need-then I say go for it.
If you think you're gonna drink over it-leave asap.
As long as you're doing this out of healing and not self destruction, then it's the right choice.
When we get right down to it, none of us know each other very well, we save each other's lives in the dark so to speak.
That being said, I only know you as a very logical, goal driven, strong willed individual who is often wise beyond her time.
If you really believe he's toxic, then you are probably making the right decision.
I don't think this is impulsive either. You've brought it up before. You've asked your kids...you're not running off to do something crazy.
If this is what you need-then I say go for it.
If you think you're gonna drink over it-leave asap.
As long as you're doing this out of healing and not self destruction, then it's the right choice.
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Thanks for responding. I'm going to think it over for the next few months. It doesn't feel like I will drink at it. In fact, drinking has lost so much allure for me that sometimes I look at it and even slightly miss the way I used to want it so much. Maybe because it seemed such an easy solution on the surface, despite it's dark underbelly and knowing I was in deep with it.
I guess I am asking because it still feels early for me. How can sobriety still feel like a new thing, when I am so far away from the habit of it...because there is no hiding. It's like pulling off a sewer grate and trying to clean what's underneath there, some things of value got caught in there and need some polishing, a lot of it just needs to be discarded. Still pretty murky for the most part especially since spending so much time in year one frantically trying to figure out where else to hide.
I guess I am asking because it still feels early for me. How can sobriety still feel like a new thing, when I am so far away from the habit of it...because there is no hiding. It's like pulling off a sewer grate and trying to clean what's underneath there, some things of value got caught in there and need some polishing, a lot of it just needs to be discarded. Still pretty murky for the most part especially since spending so much time in year one frantically trying to figure out where else to hide.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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AA does not say wait 12 months to make any major life decisions. That appears nowhere in the Big Book at all. It's simply a loose general consensus among some members. It's not an iron clad rule by any stretch. But the idea behind it can be valid. That during the first 12 months of sobriety feelings and emotions can be all over the place. But if you feel something or someone is a danger to your sobriety, or, more importantly, to your peace, then get rid of it.
By the by, there is no good time to initiate a divorce. Things will come up and reasons to delay will always appear. It's a matter of getting the fortitude and doing what needs to be done.
Hugs to you.
By the by, there is no good time to initiate a divorce. Things will come up and reasons to delay will always appear. It's a matter of getting the fortitude and doing what needs to be done.
Hugs to you.
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I got nothin'. I'm divorced. I tried, I did. There was alcohol and drugs and a big ole mess. Getting out was horrible and wonderful.
When I was done, I knew it. I went to counseling to sort through it and when the counselor said, "Why don't you cut your losses," that really seemed the answer, but I didn't have kids or real estate or any other huge ties with him. If I did - I may not have done it.
((hug))
When I was done, I knew it. I went to counseling to sort through it and when the counselor said, "Why don't you cut your losses," that really seemed the answer, but I didn't have kids or real estate or any other huge ties with him. If I did - I may not have done it.
((hug))
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Yeah I'd be happier if I left.
He works and provides most of the income, he wants me to work full time but I had cut back to two days a week. He likes to spend money and I do not. I felt like he was spending all my money so I just work less.
I would have to get a full time job if we split. In a lot of ways that would be good for me but the nature of my job is that it is so intense it often isn't done in the evenings and I lose time with my children, so twice a week gives me more full days to help them. I'm trying to help my 21 year old job search and I want to be there for my 12 year old. He is not there for the kids. But in a lot of ways because he keeps full time, I am able to be.
there are sometimes complex unwritten arrangements in marriages.
for my needs right now, I'm wondering if I should just be glad he doesn't beat us up.
He works and provides most of the income, he wants me to work full time but I had cut back to two days a week. He likes to spend money and I do not. I felt like he was spending all my money so I just work less.
I would have to get a full time job if we split. In a lot of ways that would be good for me but the nature of my job is that it is so intense it often isn't done in the evenings and I lose time with my children, so twice a week gives me more full days to help them. I'm trying to help my 21 year old job search and I want to be there for my 12 year old. He is not there for the kids. But in a lot of ways because he keeps full time, I am able to be.
there are sometimes complex unwritten arrangements in marriages.
for my needs right now, I'm wondering if I should just be glad he doesn't beat us up.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
there are sometimes complex unwritten arrangements in marriages.
.
.
I think it's good that you are getting this all out here. Have you had a similar discussion with your husband about your concerns? If he's not willing to perhaps a mediated discussion via a counselor could help? AKA - get some those "unwritten" rules/expectations written down - or said aloud. People are very capable of change - you yourself have made some major changes by quitting drinking.
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It has helped to get it all out here. I'm rather unwilling to go to counseling.
But I appreciate the opportunity to write it all out. I have a friend who is going through something similar. A very tired, very long marriage. Instead of temper tantrums and absences she is dealing with his online flirtations. Oy.
I know we are all just flawed human beings. I just long to be by myself sometimes, so much that to pretend I am getting divorced makes me feel like I can move forward.
I see why so many women leave at this age, it's not even always his fault, there is sometimes this burning desire to not be half of a whole anymore.
But I appreciate the opportunity to write it all out. I have a friend who is going through something similar. A very tired, very long marriage. Instead of temper tantrums and absences she is dealing with his online flirtations. Oy.
I know we are all just flawed human beings. I just long to be by myself sometimes, so much that to pretend I am getting divorced makes me feel like I can move forward.
I see why so many women leave at this age, it's not even always his fault, there is sometimes this burning desire to not be half of a whole anymore.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
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Divorce was difficult...young child, etc., but living in a bad marriage was just as hard. Bad, but not terrible, so I wrestled with what felt like a selfish decision. It was a lose-lose at the time, but in hindsight was absolutely the right thing to do. I think I made the decision to divorce in the same way I quit drinking...I wasn’t sure of the way forward but I knew it had to be done. I trusted that in time it would work out, and it did and still does.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and wish you the best.
-bora
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and wish you the best.
-bora
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
It has helped to get it all out here. I'm rather unwilling to go to counseling.
But just like getting sober, there were a lot of things I needed to do to that I was unwilling or reluctant to try. Life is hard work to be certain!
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I think it is important, when you end anything, to ask yourself: did I do everything I could to make this work?
You may not care to cross that bridge at this point, but before I got a divorce I would try to make it work. That is assuming there is no violence or cheating, etc going on.
I say that because usually we are as much to blame as they are.
You may not care to cross that bridge at this point, but before I got a divorce I would try to make it work. That is assuming there is no violence or cheating, etc going on.
I say that because usually we are as much to blame as they are.
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I think that an unhappy marriage is an unhappy marriage, no matter the cause, and life is too short for anyone to settle for less than theywant or feel they should have.
I left my first husband a long, long time ago.
He was a very nice man and he loved me very much.
But I didn’t love him, never had, and I knew I never would.
It was hard to leave. We had a child together.
But I don’t regret it, never have, never will.
Everyone deserves peace and to be content with their lives.
I left my first husband a long, long time ago.
He was a very nice man and he loved me very much.
But I didn’t love him, never had, and I knew I never would.
It was hard to leave. We had a child together.
But I don’t regret it, never have, never will.
Everyone deserves peace and to be content with their lives.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
I think that an unhappy marriage is an unhappy marriage, no matter the cause, and life is too short for anyone to settle for less than theywant or feel they should have.
I left my first husband a long, long time ago.
He was a very nice man and he loved me very much.
But I didn’t love him, never had, and I knew I never would.
It was hard to leave. We had a child together.
But I don’t regret it, never have, never will.
Everyone deserves peace and to be content with their lives.
I left my first husband a long, long time ago.
He was a very nice man and he loved me very much.
But I didn’t love him, never had, and I knew I never would.
It was hard to leave. We had a child together.
But I don’t regret it, never have, never will.
Everyone deserves peace and to be content with their lives.
Many times the problem isn't the person we love. It is us or both of us.
Not saying this is the case with the op.
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I am 4.5 years sober and split with my partner of 27 years a month ago. To be honest, this is something I considered early on in sobriety. The difference between then and now, for me I reckon,is that with some solid sobriety I was able to do what I needed to do in a kinder way that caused minimal damage. And I was able to be safe in the sobriety lifeboat, with lots of friends in recovery who were able to rally round and support me through this change in my life.
Should I have waited so long? Who knows. But I do know that I feel so much better now it's done.
Could you just have a trial separation for a while? Divorce is a pretty big step.
BB
Should I have waited so long? Who knows. But I do know that I feel so much better now it's done.
Could you just have a trial separation for a while? Divorce is a pretty big step.
BB
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How can sobriety still feel like a new thing, when I am so far away from the habit of it...
I think for me, its really not 'sobriety' that is so new. That's just the state of being sober. When I take away the alcohol, I still have a life problem. I'm around 18 months and I'm very much still figuring stuff out. And I know for sure, that taking it slowly...whatever 'it' is, is the best approach for me.
As far as the marriage, I don't know Sassy. What struck me however was your comments about the kids. They don't care? Is he their father? I'm sort of picturing a household with lots of elephants in the living room and no one is talking about their, ehem, feelings. I would encourage you to dig deeper on the kids having no reaction to a divorce. It will literally turn all of your lives completely inside out and upside down. That doesn't mean its not necessary. But it is one of the hardest things you'll do. I mean, it was for me.
I think for me, its really not 'sobriety' that is so new. That's just the state of being sober. When I take away the alcohol, I still have a life problem. I'm around 18 months and I'm very much still figuring stuff out. And I know for sure, that taking it slowly...whatever 'it' is, is the best approach for me.
As far as the marriage, I don't know Sassy. What struck me however was your comments about the kids. They don't care? Is he their father? I'm sort of picturing a household with lots of elephants in the living room and no one is talking about their, ehem, feelings. I would encourage you to dig deeper on the kids having no reaction to a divorce. It will literally turn all of your lives completely inside out and upside down. That doesn't mean its not necessary. But it is one of the hardest things you'll do. I mean, it was for me.
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Wow. I am very glad I posted this. All of your thoughtful responses have helped a lot. Thank you.
I don't feel strong enough to make this decision right now.
Today, I am trying to examine my feelings of anger. Not just toward him but others I feel angry with. Why? Is it justified? Is it resentment building? What did these people do or say that set me off and why did they react or respond in that way specifically....are they resentful toward me?
Ugh. I got a new dog: a tiny dog I adopted from a patient who passed. Dogs; my sober friends, are so much easier than humans.
I don't feel strong enough to make this decision right now.
Today, I am trying to examine my feelings of anger. Not just toward him but others I feel angry with. Why? Is it justified? Is it resentment building? What did these people do or say that set me off and why did they react or respond in that way specifically....are they resentful toward me?
Ugh. I got a new dog: a tiny dog I adopted from a patient who passed. Dogs; my sober friends, are so much easier than humans.
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Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
Wow. I am very glad I posted this. All of your thoughtful responses have helped a lot. Thank you.
I don't feel strong enough to make this decision right now.
Today, I am trying to examine my feelings of anger. Not just toward him but others I feel angry with. Why? Is it justified? Is it resentment building? What did these people do or say that set me off and why did they react or respond in that way specifically....are they resentful toward me?
Ugh. I got a new dog: a tiny dog I adopted from a patient who passed. Dogs; my sober friends, are so much easier than humans.
I don't feel strong enough to make this decision right now.
Today, I am trying to examine my feelings of anger. Not just toward him but others I feel angry with. Why? Is it justified? Is it resentment building? What did these people do or say that set me off and why did they react or respond in that way specifically....are they resentful toward me?
Ugh. I got a new dog: a tiny dog I adopted from a patient who passed. Dogs; my sober friends, are so much easier than humans.
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I have been reading your posts since I joined this forum. Im a bout 6 weeks behind you on sobriety so I would read your posts to get an idea on whats going to be my highs and lows and as I went into a low I could see that it would only last a while and then be on a high. made it doable.
Im going to say something that I dont want taken the wrong way but guys are simple if a guy is happy at home he comes home. Im going to type this from a males point of view. he was wanting you to get sober thats what some of your early postings said, but he wanted the drunk, flirty, sexy, eager to please, sassy, just sober. but you became the strong, self confident, independent thinking person that he wasn't expecting, and totally different. If your thinking thoughts of divorce he is to, if he is any kind of decent guy, and he must be, he is thinking I asked her to get sober, you did, (he is taken credit and blame, probably doesn't totally understand achahol addiction)and now he is still not happy, and doesnt know how to handle it so he stays gone all the time. its probably time you both sit down and have a serious talk. you have been an inspiration to me and your posting helped me make it through those rough early months.
Im going to say something that I dont want taken the wrong way but guys are simple if a guy is happy at home he comes home. Im going to type this from a males point of view. he was wanting you to get sober thats what some of your early postings said, but he wanted the drunk, flirty, sexy, eager to please, sassy, just sober. but you became the strong, self confident, independent thinking person that he wasn't expecting, and totally different. If your thinking thoughts of divorce he is to, if he is any kind of decent guy, and he must be, he is thinking I asked her to get sober, you did, (he is taken credit and blame, probably doesn't totally understand achahol addiction)and now he is still not happy, and doesnt know how to handle it so he stays gone all the time. its probably time you both sit down and have a serious talk. you have been an inspiration to me and your posting helped me make it through those rough early months.
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I like cruiser's post a lot.
I have been divorced a very long time and I tried to get us into counseling etc. W even did some joint counseling after we were divorced. The reasons I wanted the divorce and the reasons he did were completely different and separate issues. I think it was too little too late for both of us...I dunno. I do think it is the best and worst thing I did for myself. BUT. What I got out of the experience (at age 34) is that I would never get married again...and I haven't. I don't know that divorce solves inner problems for either party.
I love it that you got a tiny dog. I want a tiny dog!
I have been divorced a very long time and I tried to get us into counseling etc. W even did some joint counseling after we were divorced. The reasons I wanted the divorce and the reasons he did were completely different and separate issues. I think it was too little too late for both of us...I dunno. I do think it is the best and worst thing I did for myself. BUT. What I got out of the experience (at age 34) is that I would never get married again...and I haven't. I don't know that divorce solves inner problems for either party.
I love it that you got a tiny dog. I want a tiny dog!
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