Just checkin in.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Sassy, I wish you weren't so hard on yourself about gaining weight. I'm sure you're still gorgeous. Not to be dramatic about it but I kind of hate how much women's value and sense of self can be tied to physical appearance. Just as men feel constant pressure to provide and be the best financially, women are always under pressure to be hotter, younger, thinner.. it's all equally ridiculous imo.
Now that that rant's over, I do think any form of misery that could eventually lead to justifying relapse is indeed an AV sneak attack. My last meltdown so to speak was actually a wake up call that I could fall into that trap if I didn't snap out of it and see it for what it is.
For me "snapping out of it" really meant letting go of what I'd been obsessing over (my relationship) which ultimately allowed me to move freely in other areas (pursuing the next steps towards the career path I want to have) and as a nice side effect things are good in the relationship again too, for now at least.
Maybe for you letting go is to stop telling yourself you're not worthy of happiness, social involvement/support, etc. until you lose weight. You're not failing and you are worthy. Just some thoughts, sorry for just jumping in I'll have to get more caught up in this thread soon but only have small windows of time to be online these days.
Now that that rant's over, I do think any form of misery that could eventually lead to justifying relapse is indeed an AV sneak attack. My last meltdown so to speak was actually a wake up call that I could fall into that trap if I didn't snap out of it and see it for what it is.
For me "snapping out of it" really meant letting go of what I'd been obsessing over (my relationship) which ultimately allowed me to move freely in other areas (pursuing the next steps towards the career path I want to have) and as a nice side effect things are good in the relationship again too, for now at least.
Maybe for you letting go is to stop telling yourself you're not worthy of happiness, social involvement/support, etc. until you lose weight. You're not failing and you are worthy. Just some thoughts, sorry for just jumping in I'll have to get more caught up in this thread soon but only have small windows of time to be online these days.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
It’s not exactly just the weight. It’s just feeling old, sad and tired in general.
On that note, I’m off to a bar to watch my husband play music for his newer band. He said he will go on at 8-8:30 and play for about an hour so that’s how long I’ll be there. I haven’t heard his new music, so I thought I’d check it out. I have to go alone! My husband is basically one of about 3 people I have in my life that I actually have a relationship with so I am working on leaning into my marriage. So far it’s been ok.
Now, to find something black to wear...
On that note, I’m off to a bar to watch my husband play music for his newer band. He said he will go on at 8-8:30 and play for about an hour so that’s how long I’ll be there. I haven’t heard his new music, so I thought I’d check it out. I have to go alone! My husband is basically one of about 3 people I have in my life that I actually have a relationship with so I am working on leaning into my marriage. So far it’s been ok.
Now, to find something black to wear...
I'll add a short story...
I walked into an Ace Hardware store last year to grab something and when I got up to the counter, the lady behind the register said "How are you today?" It was not a particularly good day for me that day and I said something to the effect of " Well, I'm old, fat, grey and I've got arthritis in my hip and back..it SUCKS gettin old!"
She was a good bit older than me...probably in her mid to late 60s. She looked weathered, but wise.
"S#it......I'm about to get schooled." I thought.
I thought right. She gave me a proper a$$ whoopin'. hahaha
She said to me, something like this...and this isn't verbatim, but it's close... "I'm a little bit older than you are and I think about how some of my friends aren't here anymore. About how I got to grow older and got to be wiser and have a whole lot more of life's experiences than ...if you think about it...billions of people who came before me that died young. For whatever reason, I got to stay here and be among the living. Maybe you ought to be grateful for that instead of pointing out how rough you feel"
Holy s#!t. I needed to hear that.
That lasted for about a day before I went back to being tired and grumpy.
Still, what she said really does have a lot of value to it. We got picked to be how ever old we are and in what ever capacity we live. That means something. So...more and more, I try not to waste time or mope around about being old as dirt.
Jim Morrison said "No one gets out of here alive"
I've lost a few friends this last year or 2 and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that while it's normal to remember yesterday...there's little point to it. It doesn't exist any more. Looking ahead is the only thing I can do. How I chose to face that depends on me.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Thanks guys. I agree. It’s a privilege to get old.
My thought patterns about my self worth being tied up in my looks goes way, way, way back. To childhood. I was raised with it. That won’t unravel anytime soon or ever. So no matter how much I may progress, remnants of that will remain.
But! My point was, it’s how I feel that’s been getting me down. Like a tired, sad and worn out feeling all the time.
Though interesting I should say that, because I just had a great time seeing the husbands band. I put on some nice clothes. I drove there. I listened to both bands. I hugged some old friends. I drank seltzer with lemon in big glass jars. I smiled a lot and laughed too. I enjoyed the music a lot. It was good. I drove home.
That’s all for tonight folks. I am ready to go out more, now. Drinking isn’t a consideration and I miss people.
Although now that I don’t use Uber I have no clue how to park downtown. . I’ll figure it out.
My thought patterns about my self worth being tied up in my looks goes way, way, way back. To childhood. I was raised with it. That won’t unravel anytime soon or ever. So no matter how much I may progress, remnants of that will remain.
But! My point was, it’s how I feel that’s been getting me down. Like a tired, sad and worn out feeling all the time.
Though interesting I should say that, because I just had a great time seeing the husbands band. I put on some nice clothes. I drove there. I listened to both bands. I hugged some old friends. I drank seltzer with lemon in big glass jars. I smiled a lot and laughed too. I enjoyed the music a lot. It was good. I drove home.
That’s all for tonight folks. I am ready to go out more, now. Drinking isn’t a consideration and I miss people.
Although now that I don’t use Uber I have no clue how to park downtown. . I’ll figure it out.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
This might be kind of a tangent but it's interesting you bring up the old age thing.. I've somehow never really had to deal with death until the last 2 years, but in that time it's just been a cascade of incidents. Two were natural/old age deaths, the others included things like a heroin overdose, suicide, a freak accident, and unknown health complications at a relatively young age. It hasn't really affected me directly as much as the people around me, but the collective impact has had me thinking a lot about my own mortality. It's not that I would ever be suicidal, but more just feeling like ok great I got sober.. but do I really get to have a "second act"? Or will I just spend the rest of my life defined by, paying for, and possibly even repeating my past mistakes.
So I've been grappling with that for quite a bit of my first year and really just starting to break out of it now. Also I hope what I wrote about gaining weight didn't sound insensitive.. I understand there's definitely a mind/body connection. Truthfully I'm still kind of floundering when it comes to nutrition. I'm seriously considering quitting sugar altogether at this point cause I recognize the addictive tendencies I have with it and it's just too much of a hassle. I can maintain my weight but when it's at the expense of cutting calories from my actual meals.. it's not exactly healthy.
Anyway glad you went out and had a good time Sassy.
So I've been grappling with that for quite a bit of my first year and really just starting to break out of it now. Also I hope what I wrote about gaining weight didn't sound insensitive.. I understand there's definitely a mind/body connection. Truthfully I'm still kind of floundering when it comes to nutrition. I'm seriously considering quitting sugar altogether at this point cause I recognize the addictive tendencies I have with it and it's just too much of a hassle. I can maintain my weight but when it's at the expense of cutting calories from my actual meals.. it's not exactly healthy.
Anyway glad you went out and had a good time Sassy.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
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Just wanted to express how grateful I am to you guys keeping this thread alive .
Our April 2014 thread has gone quiet for some time now , ...but I personally relate to many of the challenges and very real progress y'all are living .
Thanks again
Just wanted to express how grateful I am to you guys keeping this thread alive .
Our April 2014 thread has gone quiet for some time now , ...but I personally relate to many of the challenges and very real progress y'all are living .
Thanks again
Today sucked.
I broke my toe and dropped my computer monitor/TV.
I was reorganizing my office and I caught my foot on the chord...i saw it go over and I just grazed it with my finger tips before it hit the floor and broke.
So i dropped a few bills and got a new one. I went to go throw the box away and ran my toe into the base of my couch...which is hard wood.
sonofabi@c# !!
I was gonna buy a basketball this weekend and start going to the courts at the athletic center but it might have to wait till it heals a bit.
no big deal really.
I was walking out of CVS tonight from picking up my prescriptions and I saw an old drinking buddy walk out of the ABC store simultaneously as they're right next to each other. I had to do a double take.
He walked up and acted really glad to see me- but man...he looked like s#it. He gave me a hug and his whole body was trembling, he stunk and he looked a bit yellow.
He asked where I had been....I told him I got clean a couple of years ago. He got quiet. Then he asked me if I was taking pills because of my script bag.
I told him no...it was legit scripts for my heart, kidneys, bp, and type 2.
He told me he was still trying to cut back. If he was..it wasn't much. He looked so bad.
I gave him my number and told him if he ever wanted off the s#it, I'd help him out but I don't think he wants it. He's already lost his family and has pretty much given up.
I walked away really grateful that it wasn't me. I know that sounds s#itty, but I've been where he's at and I fu%&ing hated myself then.
At the end of the day, I broke my toe and bought a new monitor. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and be grateful that was the worst thing that happened to me.
Fu$k....I don't miss drinkin. Not the depression or the hate or the anxiety...or the godd@m hopelessness. I'm so grateful I finally knuckled up and took care of this.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
How’s your toe?? Hope the pain is better. I can imagine how frustrating that was when you were looking forward to getting out there again! I know the feeling. Still keeping your priorities and your gratefulness intact: as usual.
How’s Omad? Still killin’ It?
So I woke up this morning and had a realization that despite the diets and obsession and weighing and stress and all....I am exactly the same weight I was in September. I laughed. Because really??? If I’m gonna be an ocd freak can’t I see some change? So I went to the park with fitness stations and actually found I could do the monkey bars. And some other body weight stuff, so basically I have the upper body strength to handle my current weight. So, I’m focusing on more strength training because I miss it like crazy.
I hope you can get back out there. That’s gonna be your next good thing. Exercise is the best...
How’s Omad? Still killin’ It?
So I woke up this morning and had a realization that despite the diets and obsession and weighing and stress and all....I am exactly the same weight I was in September. I laughed. Because really??? If I’m gonna be an ocd freak can’t I see some change? So I went to the park with fitness stations and actually found I could do the monkey bars. And some other body weight stuff, so basically I have the upper body strength to handle my current weight. So, I’m focusing on more strength training because I miss it like crazy.
I hope you can get back out there. That’s gonna be your next good thing. Exercise is the best...
How’s your toe?? Hope the pain is better. I can imagine how frustrating that was when you were looking forward to getting out there again! I know the feeling. Still keeping your priorities and your gratefulness intact: as usual.
How’s Omad? Still killin’ It?
So I woke up this morning and had a realization that despite the diets and obsession and weighing and stress and all....I am exactly the same weight I was in September. I laughed. Because really??? If I’m gonna be an ocd freak can’t I see some change? So I went to the park with fitness stations and actually found I could do the monkey bars. And some other body weight stuff, so basically I have the upper body strength to handle my current weight. So, I’m focusing on more strength training because I miss it like crazy.
I hope you can get back out there. That’s gonna be your next good thing. Exercise is the best...
How’s Omad? Still killin’ It?
So I woke up this morning and had a realization that despite the diets and obsession and weighing and stress and all....I am exactly the same weight I was in September. I laughed. Because really??? If I’m gonna be an ocd freak can’t I see some change? So I went to the park with fitness stations and actually found I could do the monkey bars. And some other body weight stuff, so basically I have the upper body strength to handle my current weight. So, I’m focusing on more strength training because I miss it like crazy.
I hope you can get back out there. That’s gonna be your next good thing. Exercise is the best...
I've broken all 10 of my toes probably 4-5 times a piece. My pinky toes are probably nearing a dozen times. From football to martial arts...they've been gnarly for years. What hurt worse than the actual break was tearing the toenail off.
The diet is good...I've been doing it off and on 3-4 days a week, juicing 2 and eating whatever the hell i want the other day. I'm down almost 30 pounds.
I'm slowing down again so getting the b-ball was gonna jump start me, but i'll be out on the courts by this weekend i think.
I haven't had time to be frustrated or obsess much about stuff. It's getting close to the holidays so I've been wrapping up a few commissions and helping some family out.
All the girls are busy with either school concerts or extra curricular
activities and everyone seems happy.
So if they're happy, so am I. Insanely busy, but happy.
I think I need this. This is the good chaos.
Less time for me to obsess about what I can mess up. hahaha
It's good to hear you're back feeling better about things Sassy. You seem to bounce back a lot quicker than I did when things would get me wrapped.
Dang, it's been like a week since i posted, i think. I'm always around, I stop by a few times every day but i only post when i have stuff going on with me or something to say.
Everyone here at home under 45 is sick. Like snot coming out, sneezing, sore throat miserable head cold sick. So all the girls are hanging out in my daughter's room and i've been the pizza delivery guy/meal maker and the bringer of meds all weekend.
My wife was doing some legal refresher training she has to retest every few years on. So, it's been all me this weekend. I'm tired.
Glad I'm sober. I'm glad I can make jokes and make the kids feel better and bring them what they need and my wife can lean on me and not worry.
Christmas is next week and I haven't gotten anything out of storage yet.
One thing at a time.
I feel blessed.
I just reread that...and I thought to myself..."dude...that's a lot of s#it."
I feel blessed because people count on me now and I'm no longer a burden or need to be taken care of anymore. That's f$%king awesome.
Everyone here at home under 45 is sick. Like snot coming out, sneezing, sore throat miserable head cold sick. So all the girls are hanging out in my daughter's room and i've been the pizza delivery guy/meal maker and the bringer of meds all weekend.
My wife was doing some legal refresher training she has to retest every few years on. So, it's been all me this weekend. I'm tired.
Glad I'm sober. I'm glad I can make jokes and make the kids feel better and bring them what they need and my wife can lean on me and not worry.
Christmas is next week and I haven't gotten anything out of storage yet.
One thing at a time.
I feel blessed.
I just reread that...and I thought to myself..."dude...that's a lot of s#it."
I feel blessed because people count on me now and I'm no longer a burden or need to be taken care of anymore. That's f$%king awesome.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Oh man I’m sorry your kids are sick. . I get a visceral fear reaction when my children are sick. I hate it. Get those things out and start wrappin’, boy! It’s time to play Santa now!!
My fathers in the hospital with end stage heart disease...he’s been progressively worse every year but honestly I think it’s time for hospice. It’s tough with heart disease because every time you go to the hospital they get rid of the fluid in your lungs and you feel better. I suppose my mom and dad will know when it is my dads time, so I am trying to step back as much as I can with my mouthy self.
I am keto and I effing hate it, I want cookies so bad. It works though. I’m not fat really but goddamned have I gotten fluffy in sobriety. My husband now, he is fat. I did the monkey bars at the park the other day which was cool. I’m going to go off my diet on 12/24 and we will see when I manage to get out of THAT sugar hole. (Geez, that term almost seems nsfw, haha)
Take care of those kids and when they sleep get a movie on and wrap!
My fathers in the hospital with end stage heart disease...he’s been progressively worse every year but honestly I think it’s time for hospice. It’s tough with heart disease because every time you go to the hospital they get rid of the fluid in your lungs and you feel better. I suppose my mom and dad will know when it is my dads time, so I am trying to step back as much as I can with my mouthy self.
I am keto and I effing hate it, I want cookies so bad. It works though. I’m not fat really but goddamned have I gotten fluffy in sobriety. My husband now, he is fat. I did the monkey bars at the park the other day which was cool. I’m going to go off my diet on 12/24 and we will see when I manage to get out of THAT sugar hole. (Geez, that term almost seems nsfw, haha)
Take care of those kids and when they sleep get a movie on and wrap!
Oh man I’m sorry your kids are sick. . I get a visceral fear reaction when my children are sick. I hate it. Get those things out and start wrappin’, boy! It’s time to play Santa now!!
My fathers in the hospital with end stage heart disease...he’s been progressively worse every year but honestly I think it’s time for hospice. It’s tough with heart disease because every time you go to the hospital they get rid of the fluid in your lungs and you feel better. I suppose my mom and dad will know when it is my dads time, so I am trying to step back as much as I can with my mouthy self.
I am keto and I effing hate it, I want cookies so bad. It works though. I’m not fat really but goddamned have I gotten fluffy in sobriety. My husband now, he is fat. I did the monkey bars at the park the other day which was cool. I’m going to go off my diet on 12/24 and we will see when I manage to get out of THAT sugar hole. (Geez, that term almost seems nsfw, haha)
Take care of those kids and when they sleep get a movie on and wrap!
My fathers in the hospital with end stage heart disease...he’s been progressively worse every year but honestly I think it’s time for hospice. It’s tough with heart disease because every time you go to the hospital they get rid of the fluid in your lungs and you feel better. I suppose my mom and dad will know when it is my dads time, so I am trying to step back as much as I can with my mouthy self.
I am keto and I effing hate it, I want cookies so bad. It works though. I’m not fat really but goddamned have I gotten fluffy in sobriety. My husband now, he is fat. I did the monkey bars at the park the other day which was cool. I’m going to go off my diet on 12/24 and we will see when I manage to get out of THAT sugar hole. (Geez, that term almost seems nsfw, haha)
Take care of those kids and when they sleep get a movie on and wrap!
I've stagnated on the diet because of the lack of exercise. I'm still doing it, but the weight loss has plateaued and I'm stuck. I've gotta wait probably another week before my toe is healed enough to hit the
basketball courts.
I also got the dreaded 90 day call today. They wanna schedule another blood work up for the second of Jan. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME THE F ALONE?!?! EVERY 3 MONTHS WITH THIS S#IT!! STILL!! AFTER ALMOST 3 F'ING YEARS!!!
So yeah, i'm not exactly looking forward to that. I had a dream about 3 weeks ago that a doctor told me I was dying so this plays straight into it.
MOTHERF$%^ER!!!!! I'M SOOOOOO TIRED OF THIS S#IT!!
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, rant over...time to play adult again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Oh man...I'm sorry to hear about your dad, Sassy. Prayers for him and the rest of your family.
I've stagnated on the diet because of the lack of exercise. I'm still doing it, but the weight loss has plateaued and I'm stuck. I've gotta wait probably another week before my toe is healed enough to hit the
basketball courts.
I also got the dreaded 90 day call today. They wanna schedule another blood work up for the second of Jan. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME THE F ALONE?!?! EVERY 3 MONTHS WITH THIS S#IT!! STILL!! AFTER ALMOST 3 F'ING YEARS!!!
So yeah, i'm not exactly looking forward to that. I had a dream about 3 weeks ago that a doctor told me I was dying so this plays straight into it.
MOTHERF$%^ER!!!!! I'M SOOOOOO TIRED OF THIS S#IT!!
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, rant over...time to play adult again.
I've stagnated on the diet because of the lack of exercise. I'm still doing it, but the weight loss has plateaued and I'm stuck. I've gotta wait probably another week before my toe is healed enough to hit the
basketball courts.
I also got the dreaded 90 day call today. They wanna schedule another blood work up for the second of Jan. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!
WHY CAN'T THEY JUST LEAVE ME THE F ALONE?!?! EVERY 3 MONTHS WITH THIS S#IT!! STILL!! AFTER ALMOST 3 F'ING YEARS!!!
So yeah, i'm not exactly looking forward to that. I had a dream about 3 weeks ago that a doctor told me I was dying so this plays straight into it.
MOTHERF$%^ER!!!!! I'M SOOOOOO TIRED OF THIS S#IT!!
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Ok, rant over...time to play adult again.
Okay so: a plateau is GOOD!! A plateau is sometimes just latent progress. Gain, that is no bueno. Plateau just means, as your probs very well know, that your body’s like whoa man am I starving? Screw that, I’m slowing this down, maybe throw some water around, maybe that will help. Because bodies love to keep water with a problem. Stressed out? Retain water! Inflamed? Retain water! Work out too much too soon? Retain water! Lose weight real fast?....yep you guessed it. It really gets old, you know?
So did you ever consider that the 90 day bs was maybe possibly arbitrary? Like maybe they want to “do the tests and see this sick guy cause he’s chronically a sick guy so we know we will get paid...” keep those labs normal long enough and possibly doc will have a harder time justifying the frequency and can cut Bulldog a bit of a frequency break. They’d have to be normal for a good period of time. I mean you’re not an old guy who has nothing to do but go to doctor visits, so talk to the doctor about this, about why It needs to be quite so frequent if you are stable.
Also, if you’re feeling good and things were good last time then you most likely have very little to worry about.
Okay so: a plateau is GOOD!! A plateau is sometimes just latent progress. Gain, that is no bueno. Plateau just means, as your probs very well know, that your body’s like whoa man am I starving? Screw that, I’m slowing this down, maybe throw some water around, maybe that will help. Because bodies love to keep water with a problem. Stressed out? Retain water! Inflamed? Retain water! Work out too much too soon? Retain water! Lose weight real fast?....yep you guessed it. It really gets old, you know?
So did you ever consider that the 90 day bs was maybe possibly arbitrary? Like maybe they want to “do the tests and see this sick guy cause he’s chronically a sick guy so we know we will get paid...” keep those labs normal long enough and possibly doc will have a harder time justifying the frequency and can cut Bulldog a bit of a frequency break. They’d have to be normal for a good period of time. I mean you’re not an old guy who has nothing to do but go to doctor visits, so talk to the doctor about this, about why It needs to be quite so frequent if you are stable.
Also, if you’re feeling good and things were good last time then you most likely have very little to worry about.
why is it that I-we (as people in recovery) seem to have a real issue with stalling our progress waiting for the other shoe to drop? Because I do that a lot.
smh.....a lot less now, but more than I'd like.
every time I think "I've got this all figured out" and it all wrapped up with a neat and tidy bow, life throws me down and kicks a little dirt on me to keep it real. I dunno...maybe that's the way it should be. It keeps my stupid ego in check.
My prayers go from "thank you wonderful God, of which I must have a direct line with- this s#it is so easy now" to....."please don't teach me a painful lesson on how little I actually know. "
I think my head was getting big.
(hopefully members get that i was trying to inject some humor in my pathetic grasp of how long term recovery works. LOL )
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hiiii everyone! So glad this is the first thread I saw and clicked on this morning (yeah, it's barely 4am EST and I've been up...awhile.).
Sassy - I've struggled with the weight and appearance thing since I was a teen. Won't go into the whole thing but I have learned a lot since last Mar when after a bad back injury and going from one of my healthiest (NOT skinniest) places prob ever to NO activity...my heighest weight ever in the summer...to our big anniversary party where I didn't feel skinny but I truly felt content and beautiful....it's a mixed bag but I am on a good track - for me, and this time in my life. When I quit drinking, I was in BAD shape all around. So that gratitude thing does need to kick in often.
Bulldog - love that this thread has flourished. Funny how the painful lessons really are progress - we often see in retrospect
And - re Christmas, bc of SO MUCH DRAMA for the past few months, my husband and I decided to simplify everything this Christmas - plans, our tree is a beautiful green armchair with all the (less, though) presents arranged around it, we have ornaments on display elsewhere, went to a Tiny Tree show and got two little ones that I had fun with...just got a poinsetta. It's just the right festive-ness this year.
Take care all - keep sharing. I appreciate you all!
Sassy - I've struggled with the weight and appearance thing since I was a teen. Won't go into the whole thing but I have learned a lot since last Mar when after a bad back injury and going from one of my healthiest (NOT skinniest) places prob ever to NO activity...my heighest weight ever in the summer...to our big anniversary party where I didn't feel skinny but I truly felt content and beautiful....it's a mixed bag but I am on a good track - for me, and this time in my life. When I quit drinking, I was in BAD shape all around. So that gratitude thing does need to kick in often.
Bulldog - love that this thread has flourished. Funny how the painful lessons really are progress - we often see in retrospect
And - re Christmas, bc of SO MUCH DRAMA for the past few months, my husband and I decided to simplify everything this Christmas - plans, our tree is a beautiful green armchair with all the (less, though) presents arranged around it, we have ornaments on display elsewhere, went to a Tiny Tree show and got two little ones that I had fun with...just got a poinsetta. It's just the right festive-ness this year.
Take care all - keep sharing. I appreciate you all!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hiiii everyone! So glad this is the first thread I saw and clicked on this morning (yeah, it's barely 4am EST and I've been up...awhile.).
Sassy - I've struggled with the weight and appearance thing since I was a teen. Won't go into the whole thing but I have learned a lot since last Mar when after a bad back injury and going from one of my healthiest (NOT skinniest) places prob ever to NO activity...my heighest weight ever in the summer...to our big anniversary party where I didn't feel skinny but I truly felt content and beautiful....it's a mixed bag but I am on a good track - for me, and this time in my life. When I quit drinking, I was in BAD shape all around. So that gratitude thing does need to kick in often.
Bulldog - love that this thread has flourished. Funny how the painful lessons really are progress - we often see in retrospect
And - re Christmas, bc of SO MUCH DRAMA for the past few months, my husband and I decided to simplify everything this Christmas - plans, our tree is a beautiful green armchair with all the (less, though) presents arranged around it, we have ornaments on display elsewhere, went to a Tiny Tree show and got two little ones that I had fun with...just got a poinsetta. It's just the right festive-ness this year.
Take care all - keep sharing. I appreciate you all!
Sassy - I've struggled with the weight and appearance thing since I was a teen. Won't go into the whole thing but I have learned a lot since last Mar when after a bad back injury and going from one of my healthiest (NOT skinniest) places prob ever to NO activity...my heighest weight ever in the summer...to our big anniversary party where I didn't feel skinny but I truly felt content and beautiful....it's a mixed bag but I am on a good track - for me, and this time in my life. When I quit drinking, I was in BAD shape all around. So that gratitude thing does need to kick in often.
Bulldog - love that this thread has flourished. Funny how the painful lessons really are progress - we often see in retrospect
And - re Christmas, bc of SO MUCH DRAMA for the past few months, my husband and I decided to simplify everything this Christmas - plans, our tree is a beautiful green armchair with all the (less, though) presents arranged around it, we have ornaments on display elsewhere, went to a Tiny Tree show and got two little ones that I had fun with...just got a poinsetta. It's just the right festive-ness this year.
Take care all - keep sharing. I appreciate you all!
I’m evolving. I’m actually getting to the point where it’s how I feel. This year especially it’s been a lot less about how I look, and just getting frustrated that I don’t have the agility or energy that I was used to having. It’s been easier to stay in a cave then to buy clothes two sizes up, because I don’t enjoy that. I don’t like spending the money on new clothes in a bigger size. My feet start to hurt. Running gets really hard. I can’t complete my CrossFit classes. I tire easily in the day and sleep too much. I get depressed and don’t think well. Overall my quality of life begins to decline so much that it resembles the other problem but in a different way. So it’s just been a series of unpleasant things associated with more weight.
It’s astounded me also how hard it is to lose weight in sobriety and how quickly I transferred to food addiction mode, and how that feels harmless in the first year, then you realize how damaging it can be when the weight keeps piling on, on weeks I don’t severely watch what I eat. If I don’t count everything I gain. Weight comes on so easy now, it’s shocking. Being a later stage alcoholic really trims the waistline. So does death. So I’d rather have this problem....it’s just that recognizing it as a problem is important for me. Not dealing with my weight interferes with literally every part of my life.
It’s not just vanity. I think people who are not food addicted think it is just vanity, but it’s really 100 other issues as well.
Some days I just have to laugh at myself.
Wow...
Christmas went off well for the girls but not me. I didn't have fun being at my cousin's house.
I had a bunch of anxiety today that I couldn't shake so I just put on a big smile and screamed inside my head the whole time. haha
progress......at least nobody knew but me.
I told my wife when we got home and she was kinda surprised.
I think there's still a lot of unresolved stuff with my family and I don't know when I'll finally put that to bed enough for me not to get an anxiety attack every once in awhile.
The only thing that seems to help is distance.
Oh well. Like it was so aptly put to me...sobriety doesn't always have to be graceful or neat, it just has to be done.
Wow...
Christmas went off well for the girls but not me. I didn't have fun being at my cousin's house.
I had a bunch of anxiety today that I couldn't shake so I just put on a big smile and screamed inside my head the whole time. haha
progress......at least nobody knew but me.
I told my wife when we got home and she was kinda surprised.
I think there's still a lot of unresolved stuff with my family and I don't know when I'll finally put that to bed enough for me not to get an anxiety attack every once in awhile.
The only thing that seems to help is distance.
Oh well. Like it was so aptly put to me...sobriety doesn't always have to be graceful or neat, it just has to be done.
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