Constant relapsing
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Briansy 
Ashamed to say I've effectively just done 90 in 90. Not purposefully to tick a box, just that I like going to meetings so it doesn't feel like a chore. Going to make time in my schedule to do more on the weekends between now and next Spring though. I need to keep my head down and get out of the danger zone.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,411
Originally Posted by Briansy
The steps, daily suggestions, meetings + super vigilance?
That last bit I thought I was getting on top of. Step 1. Getting past any last remnants of denial. I'm working on it.
That last bit I thought I was getting on top of. Step 1. Getting past any last remnants of denial. I'm working on it.
Obviously, something clicks in your brain and you relapse.
You need to identify that "thing" and process it.
That's the mental part.
More practically, if you want to get past the physical craving in the moment, you need to stop and take a pause before you act. You'd be surprised how quick a craving passes if you'd take a ten-minute walk, a hot shower, or eat something you like when it hits you.
Your short-term goal is getting rid of craving and keeping yourself on track,
but becoming conscious of what is behind the urges will also help you to react more quickly and understand your mental processes much better.
It's heavy work at first--I see it as very much an individual effort, but calling on a fellowship for support can also be extremely beneficial.
However, you put the drink to your lips in the end,
and only you can choose not to buy, pour, and lift that drink and let your sobriety go again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
I didn't want to stop drinking until I did. Sure, I would wake up from time to time remorseful and telling myself I wasn't going to drink or at least cut back. And I meant it.
But a short time later I would be back drinking and so would the problems.
Probably if I still was able to earn a living and to pay my bills I wouldn't have stopped. However, I had crossed that line.
Either I did something about my drinking or I was headed for a crash landing.
I remember thinking about the concrete steps which went up to an apartment I just moved into. If I slipped and fell down those steps after a night out I was going to break my neck.
I was about to get fired from my job and had no idea where or when I could find another.
My mother had no more money to lend me.
My girlfriend had walked out.
Needless to say my life was unmanageable. Didn't know anything about the other 11 steps.
But step 1 was so clear that even I could see it.
I had a friend growing up who drank like I did. One night after too much booze he passed out in his apartment, choked on his vomit and died.
I'm pretty sure if I had continued drinking I would have ended up the same. I had passed out a number of times while cooking and fallen down the stair several times as well. I had also been mugged while drunk.
Keep it up and the luck just runs out.
But a short time later I would be back drinking and so would the problems.
Probably if I still was able to earn a living and to pay my bills I wouldn't have stopped. However, I had crossed that line.
Either I did something about my drinking or I was headed for a crash landing.
I remember thinking about the concrete steps which went up to an apartment I just moved into. If I slipped and fell down those steps after a night out I was going to break my neck.
I was about to get fired from my job and had no idea where or when I could find another.
My mother had no more money to lend me.
My girlfriend had walked out.
Needless to say my life was unmanageable. Didn't know anything about the other 11 steps.
But step 1 was so clear that even I could see it.
I had a friend growing up who drank like I did. One night after too much booze he passed out in his apartment, choked on his vomit and died.
I'm pretty sure if I had continued drinking I would have ended up the same. I had passed out a number of times while cooking and fallen down the stair several times as well. I had also been mugged while drunk.
Keep it up and the luck just runs out.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I can relate a whole lot, Ken. That's why y'all hear me say quite often that I don't have a relapse in me. I just do not have another chance. It was Russian Roulette for a long time, and I finally had to quit, or die.
It's not overly dramatic or - put simply, inaccurate- to say that quitting is a life or death choice. Because, eventually, it will become that, no matter where you are now.
And I don't rue any of the time I spent drinking, but my time and life are so much better spent now that I don't have to think about anything in that cluster of madness. I'd highly recommend sobriety to anyone who has any degree of a problem. The end of the mental gymnastics alone is priceless.
It's not overly dramatic or - put simply, inaccurate- to say that quitting is a life or death choice. Because, eventually, it will become that, no matter where you are now.
And I don't rue any of the time I spent drinking, but my time and life are so much better spent now that I don't have to think about anything in that cluster of madness. I'd highly recommend sobriety to anyone who has any degree of a problem. The end of the mental gymnastics alone is priceless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
One of the reasons I am careful not to push myself on anyone new in AA is you couldn't tell me anything until I was ready.
I had to see it.
Now it might have been apparent to those who knew me that I had a drinking problem but until I decided enough was enough I wasn't going to stop.
Alcohol was such a part of my life I couldn't conceive of stopping completely..
I just wanted to cut back enough so I could function without the never-ending problems. But I could never get back to that stage.
I just never knew when I would overdo it and I would wake up in a black out. Add to this it was much harder to drink like I did when I was 35 than when I was 25. Once I hit 30 I could no longer bounce back . I would often feel burned out for the entire day.
Again I had to see I had a problem. There had been talk about my drinking since my early 20's. And yes I was often sorry and embarrassed by what happened the night before.
But I was young and on the move to bigger and better things... or so I thought.
I had to see it.
Now it might have been apparent to those who knew me that I had a drinking problem but until I decided enough was enough I wasn't going to stop.
Alcohol was such a part of my life I couldn't conceive of stopping completely..
I just wanted to cut back enough so I could function without the never-ending problems. But I could never get back to that stage.
I just never knew when I would overdo it and I would wake up in a black out. Add to this it was much harder to drink like I did when I was 35 than when I was 25. Once I hit 30 I could no longer bounce back . I would often feel burned out for the entire day.
Again I had to see I had a problem. There had been talk about my drinking since my early 20's. And yes I was often sorry and embarrassed by what happened the night before.
But I was young and on the move to bigger and better things... or so I thought.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Yep, I had to see it too. And I railed against AA for years....for no legit reason than I wanted to keep drinking. I insisted that I had to understand "why I drank" before I could stop, and all sorts of crazy stuff I see now.
By the time I quit, the private rehab my drs wanted for me wasn't an option so it was AA or nothing. Best thing I ever did was get started.
I lead a recovery group for the restaurant industry that is not AA nor NA based. Bottom line, we believe that everyone needs support to get and stay sober. Whatever program or practice - plan of action- someone follows to do this is a "Success" in my eyes.
But yeah....I had to decide to do it for me. Thank goodness I did before it was too late. That's why I worry so much about people repeatedly relapsing- I just don't believe we get an unlimited number of chances.
By the time I quit, the private rehab my drs wanted for me wasn't an option so it was AA or nothing. Best thing I ever did was get started.
I lead a recovery group for the restaurant industry that is not AA nor NA based. Bottom line, we believe that everyone needs support to get and stay sober. Whatever program or practice - plan of action- someone follows to do this is a "Success" in my eyes.
But yeah....I had to decide to do it for me. Thank goodness I did before it was too late. That's why I worry so much about people repeatedly relapsing- I just don't believe we get an unlimited number of chances.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
My question wasn't what you're doing, but what you think the underlying reason(s) are for the constant relapsing--
Obviously, something clicks in your brain and you relapse.
You need to identify that "thing" and process it.
That's the mental part.
More practically, if you want to get past the physical craving in the moment, you need to stop and take a pause before you act. You'd be surprised how quick a craving passes if you'd take a ten-minute walk, a hot shower, or eat something you like when it hits you.
Your short-term goal is getting rid of craving and keeping yourself on track,
but becoming conscious of what is behind the urges will also help you to react more quickly and understand your mental processes much better.
It's heavy work at first--I see it as very much an individual effort, but calling on a fellowship for support can also be extremely beneficial.
However, you put the drink to your lips in the end,
and only you can choose not to buy, pour, and lift that drink and let your sobriety go again.
Obviously, something clicks in your brain and you relapse.
You need to identify that "thing" and process it.
That's the mental part.
More practically, if you want to get past the physical craving in the moment, you need to stop and take a pause before you act. You'd be surprised how quick a craving passes if you'd take a ten-minute walk, a hot shower, or eat something you like when it hits you.
Your short-term goal is getting rid of craving and keeping yourself on track,
but becoming conscious of what is behind the urges will also help you to react more quickly and understand your mental processes much better.
It's heavy work at first--I see it as very much an individual effort, but calling on a fellowship for support can also be extremely beneficial.
However, you put the drink to your lips in the end,
and only you can choose not to buy, pour, and lift that drink and let your sobriety go again.
So the whole thing makes no sense. I feel like I have come to the end of the line and these relapses are utterly pointless and frustrating - as well as potentially dangerous - as they are getting worse in terms of consumption and how I feel after them.
I shared how I felt at a meeting tonight. I don't share much. It felt good. Meeting sponsor tomorrow for 2 hours. Could be worse - I could still be in that binge. Gotta keep cracking on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Briansy
I'm for the very most part accepting of the powerlessness and unmanageability, but there is still that residual 10-15% of my brain that is struggling to let go and come to terms with the fact that I can no longer drink like normal people. I've thought about what is fuelling the obsession and I see a lot of self pity and anger - my business partner is going to the International rugby today where he has access to some special members or ex players only bar. He'll come in on Monday and tell me about his amazing session and I will sit there seething with resentment and self pity that I can't drink like he does anymore. I once could and those times in my 20s when I could manage those kinds of days were glorious, but they're gone. And I have people talking about "meeting up for a beer" - it's always a beer. And the self pity and resentments kick off again as I wonder how I'm going to struggle my way through meeting up with people without any social lubrication. My people pleasing instincts tell me that I will disappoint them if I don't drink and right now, I probably will because the struggle will be etched over my body language for the entire meeting. And the irony of the situation is that actually all of my drinking these days happens alone. I can't tell you the amount of times in the last 2 years I have turned down social engagements to drink alone and focus on getting a proper buzz on.
So the whole thing makes no sense. I feel like I have come to the end of the line and these relapses are utterly pointless and frustrating - as well as potentially dangerous - as they are getting worse in terms of consumption and how I feel after them.
I shared how I felt at a meeting tonight. I don't share much. It felt good. Meeting sponsor tomorrow for 2 hours. Could be worse - I could still be in that binge. Gotta keep cracking on.
So the whole thing makes no sense. I feel like I have come to the end of the line and these relapses are utterly pointless and frustrating - as well as potentially dangerous - as they are getting worse in terms of consumption and how I feel after them.
I shared how I felt at a meeting tonight. I don't share much. It felt good. Meeting sponsor tomorrow for 2 hours. Could be worse - I could still be in that binge. Gotta keep cracking on.
My reasoning was if you had to deal with the ******** I have to put up with you'd drink too.
I could always explain (or at least I thought I could ...) why I drank like I did.
But as you get older you start to realize other people aren't so sympathetic. And rightfully so.
If I needed alcohol as a crutch that was my problem. Not theirs.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Briansy
I'm for the very most part accepting of the powerlessness and unmanageability, but there is still that residual 10-15% of my brain that is struggling to let go and come to terms with the fact that I can no longer drink like normal people. I've thought about what is fuelling the obsession and I see a lot of self pity and anger - my business partner is going to the International rugby today where he has access to some special members or ex players only bar. He'll come in on Monday and tell me about his amazing session and I will sit there seething with resentment and self pity that I can't drink like he does anymore. I once could and those times in my 20s when I could manage those kinds of days were glorious, but they're gone. And I have people talking about "meeting up for a beer" - it's always a beer. And the self pity and resentments kick off again as I wonder how I'm going to struggle my way through meeting up with people without any social lubrication. My people pleasing instincts tell me that I will disappoint them if I don't drink and right now, I probably will because the struggle will be etched over my body language for the entire meeting. And the irony of the situation is that actually all of my drinking these days happens alone. I can't tell you the amount of times in the last 2 years I have turned down social engagements to drink alone and focus on getting a proper buzz on.
So the whole thing makes no sense. I feel like I have come to the end of the line and these relapses are utterly pointless and frustrating - as well as potentially dangerous - as they are getting worse in terms of consumption and how I feel after them.
I shared how I felt at a meeting tonight. I don't share much. It felt good. Meeting sponsor tomorrow for 2 hours. Could be worse - I could still be in that binge. Gotta keep cracking on.
So the whole thing makes no sense. I feel like I have come to the end of the line and these relapses are utterly pointless and frustrating - as well as potentially dangerous - as they are getting worse in terms of consumption and how I feel after them.
I shared how I felt at a meeting tonight. I don't share much. It felt good. Meeting sponsor tomorrow for 2 hours. Could be worse - I could still be in that binge. Gotta keep cracking on.
I flew out to LA this summer for the weekend and attended a VIP event where there were people offering me everything from drinks to drugs.
I simply told anyone who asked including close colleagues who used to work with me but didn't know the depth of my addiction that I was on medication for arthritis and i couldn't drink.
Not one of them gave it a second thought. The worst I got was "Awww man!! What a bummer!!" and I said" yeah, it's kinda like a paper cut in the web of my hand so keep bringing it up for me" that sarcasm got my point across....and a few laughs. An that was that.
Hardly anyone cares about anyone but themselves. An if this D-bag
of a business partner knows what you struggle with and he still gives you grief about it, then make s#it hard on him.
This is your life dude.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
"This is your life dude."
Couldn't put it better in five words, myself.
I work in the restaurant business. I have a bar at my disposal 24/7. I'm part of a world where addiction and excess are pretty much the norm. I'm also someone who is happily sober in it.
Nothing and no one can make that choice for me, nor sway me from it.
I know I sound like a broken record - and it's for a reason. There simply cannot be a 10-15% resistance to admitting we can't drink. The reason doesn't matter; what it does to us and if we want to live that kind of life - OR NOT - does.
Couldn't put it better in five words, myself.
I work in the restaurant business. I have a bar at my disposal 24/7. I'm part of a world where addiction and excess are pretty much the norm. I'm also someone who is happily sober in it.
Nothing and no one can make that choice for me, nor sway me from it.
I know I sound like a broken record - and it's for a reason. There simply cannot be a 10-15% resistance to admitting we can't drink. The reason doesn't matter; what it does to us and if we want to live that kind of life - OR NOT - does.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Lost of good advice here Briansy. As long as you keep playing these mental gymnastics with your addiction you are likely going to just keep on drinking. We all have friends/acquaintences that still drink. Most of us work at places where people go out for a beer and invite us for one too. And yep, it it’s not fair that we can’t join in and just “have a few”. But I unfortunately, life ain’t fair. You can’t drink like them, ever. Eiither can I. You need to either accept that or accept the consequences - and not 10-15 percent of the time...it’s a 100% committment.
That of course does not mean you cannot have a social life....my social life is infinitely more rewarding and diverse than when I drank. But you can’t get there until you unquestionably decide to get alcohol out of your life for good.
That of course does not mean you cannot have a social life....my social life is infinitely more rewarding and diverse than when I drank. But you can’t get there until you unquestionably decide to get alcohol out of your life for good.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Fighting it - that's the worst part...
Let it suck; it's non-negotiable. A simple fact of alcoholism. Drinking will never work for me, ever again. Case closed. Time to move on...
As has been said here many, many times: not easy, but simple. I hope you can accept this simple fact about yourself, the one thing we all have in common.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
I didn't want to stop drinking until I did. Sure, I would wake up from time to time remorseful and telling myself I wasn't going to drink or at least cut back. And I meant it.
But a short time later I would be back drinking and so would the problems.
Probably if I still was able to earn a living and to pay my bills I wouldn't have stopped. However, I had crossed that line.
Either I did something about my drinking or I was headed for a crash landing.
I remember thinking about the concrete steps which went up to an apartment I just moved into. If I slipped and fell down those steps after a night out I was going to break my neck.
I was about to get fired from my job and had no idea where or when I could find another.
My mother had no more money to lend me.
My girlfriend had walked out.
Needless to say my life was unmanageable. Didn't know anything about the other 11 steps.
But step 1 was so clear that even I could see it.
I had a friend growing up who drank like I did. One night after too much booze he passed out in his apartment, choked on his vomit and died.
I'm pretty sure if I had continued drinking I would have ended up the same. I had passed out a number of times while cooking and fallen down the stair several times as well. I had also been mugged while drunk.
Keep it up and the luck just runs out.
But a short time later I would be back drinking and so would the problems.
Probably if I still was able to earn a living and to pay my bills I wouldn't have stopped. However, I had crossed that line.
Either I did something about my drinking or I was headed for a crash landing.
I remember thinking about the concrete steps which went up to an apartment I just moved into. If I slipped and fell down those steps after a night out I was going to break my neck.
I was about to get fired from my job and had no idea where or when I could find another.
My mother had no more money to lend me.
My girlfriend had walked out.
Needless to say my life was unmanageable. Didn't know anything about the other 11 steps.
But step 1 was so clear that even I could see it.
I had a friend growing up who drank like I did. One night after too much booze he passed out in his apartment, choked on his vomit and died.
I'm pretty sure if I had continued drinking I would have ended up the same. I had passed out a number of times while cooking and fallen down the stair several times as well. I had also been mugged while drunk.
Keep it up and the luck just runs out.
I also didn't want to stop drinking until I did. Once I wanted it, I wanted sobriety more than anything in my life including my family relationships, my job, everything. That burning desire carried me through.
Before quitting, I was seeking to "get away with it" for as long as humanly possible: get away with hiding my true problem, get away with the bare minimum with work and life, get away with the toll it took on my relationships.
There came a point I no longer wanted to get away with it. I no longer wanted to see if I could manage to moderate it, or play with it, or do just one night, or do just the weekend, or whatever.
I didn't want anything to do with it. I divorced it from my life and purged the sight of it, the temptation of it, the references to it, and I steeled myself for any and all changes or perspectives that came from quitting.
I was ready.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Well, back here again. Really struggling after what can only be described as a humiliating weekend of drinking. I got disillusioned with AA and stopped going to meetings. I have been reading Rational recovery but in truth had not made a genuine commitment to never drink again. I have no choice but to stay committed to getting out of this rut - continuing to drink is not an option. The episodes are getting worse and worse as are the consequences. Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Briansy
Well, back here again. Really struggling after what can only be described as a humiliating weekend of drinking. I got disillusioned with AA and stopped going to meetings. I have been reading Rational recovery but in truth had not made a genuine commitment to never drink again. I have no choice but to stay committed to getting out of this rut - continuing to drink is not an option. The episodes are getting worse and worse as are the consequences. Thanks for listening.
You're not going to like some meetings and you're not going to hit it off with everyone you meet either.
But I think it's worth sticking around awhile longer.
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