Constant relapsing
Trying to Enjoy Life Now
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sittin' on the dock of the bay
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Briansy 
Hi all,
I'm having a pretty crappy morning it must be said. Am suffering the after effects of a day of pretty joyless drinking - this has been after 2 weeks of sobriety and an average of more than one AA meeting per day as well as following suggestions of my sponsor. I actually even went to a meeting yesterday morning and had a big book reading session with my sponsor arranged but he cancelled for the second week in a row due to illness. I guess I could resentful at that and thought "eff it".
I really feel I am doing everything in my power to stop drinking but must be honest in that I have also been struggling with gambling. And I can't really count two weeks of sobriety from alcohol as real sobriety given I have been gambling. I was sure I had gotten step one down but clearly not as I keep relapsing. Clearly, I haven't been thinking: under no circumstances can I never drink again, ever. The consequences come every time and the high has all but gone. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps it's the gambling and resolving to cut that out entirely also will change things. Perhaps these relapses are just part of the natural cycle and most people go through it? But it's very frustrating.
I am having doubts about my sponsor. He can be tough to get hold of and I am quite discouraged that he cancelled right at the last minute two weeks in a row. Perhaps I need a change? I've only been with him a month, though.
Anyway, would welcome people's thoughts - hardly a new phenomenon in these parts I know!
Cheers,
Brian.
I'm having a pretty crappy morning it must be said. Am suffering the after effects of a day of pretty joyless drinking - this has been after 2 weeks of sobriety and an average of more than one AA meeting per day as well as following suggestions of my sponsor. I actually even went to a meeting yesterday morning and had a big book reading session with my sponsor arranged but he cancelled for the second week in a row due to illness. I guess I could resentful at that and thought "eff it".
I really feel I am doing everything in my power to stop drinking but must be honest in that I have also been struggling with gambling. And I can't really count two weeks of sobriety from alcohol as real sobriety given I have been gambling. I was sure I had gotten step one down but clearly not as I keep relapsing. Clearly, I haven't been thinking: under no circumstances can I never drink again, ever. The consequences come every time and the high has all but gone. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps it's the gambling and resolving to cut that out entirely also will change things. Perhaps these relapses are just part of the natural cycle and most people go through it? But it's very frustrating.
I am having doubts about my sponsor. He can be tough to get hold of and I am quite discouraged that he cancelled right at the last minute two weeks in a row. Perhaps I need a change? I've only been with him a month, though.
Anyway, would welcome people's thoughts - hardly a new phenomenon in these parts I know!
Cheers,
Brian.
The only real advice I can give on top of what's already been giving is don't give up and keep trying new things to extend your sobriety and eventually make in permanent.
- If things aren't working with your sponsor or the meetings you're attending try a new one and/or a new sponsor
- Look into AA alternitives and use them both or find which works best for you
- Stay busy! Volenteer, start a new hobby or pursue an old one, etc.
The biggest reason I kept going back to drinking was boredom. I'm kind of a solitary person but I like to get out and mingle once or twice a week. That led to meeting up with old friends which led to drinking and so the cycle begun again.
Finding leisure activities that didn't revolve around alcohol was my biggest hurdle.
Just keep poking at the issue and you'll find something that works. Sobriety rarely takes hold the first try but if you truly want it to work it will.
That's not an excuse to drink BTW!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
My sponsor cancelled again on our Sunday morning meeting for the third week in a row. Guess I'm in a better head space today as drinking is not an option. I read in the book "Living Sober" that if I'm going to make my wellness conditional on outside events, then I'll never get sober. So that stuck.
But it does leave me wondering: is three weeks in a row just coincidence? Is he testing me? (Would be an odd test to set but what do I know!). I do actually think it's coincidence but if it happens again next week I really will start to question it!
I'm keen to get on with working the steps but it's hard when the one slot in the week we allocate to doing that gets filled up by unforeseen events.
I
But it does leave me wondering: is three weeks in a row just coincidence? Is he testing me? (Would be an odd test to set but what do I know!). I do actually think it's coincidence but if it happens again next week I really will start to question it!
I'm keen to get on with working the steps but it's hard when the one slot in the week we allocate to doing that gets filled up by unforeseen events.
I
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
I will just say that I have much lower expectations for my AA sponsor. The way I see it he's got a lot of other responsibilities in his life. IMO these should take a front seat compared to his volunteer work as my AA sponsor. If he has an issue at work or home that causes him to skip some AA related activity with me he's made the right choice.
But I did look for a sponsor who had what I wanted. He's got a family and a successful career. So the amount of time he has to devote to me is limited. There are guys in my AA program who are totally devoted to AA and they really don't have much else in life. Well they do have ex wives and children who won't talk to them. They love sponsoring people and have lots of time to devote to AA related activities. I have zero interest in having someone like that as my sponsor.
I call my sponsor almost every day. Most of the time I get his voice mail. That's OK. I have other folks in the AA program that I can call if I need to talk to someone.
I look at my sponsor's time as a gift to me. I expect very little and appreciate everything I get. YMMV.
But I did look for a sponsor who had what I wanted. He's got a family and a successful career. So the amount of time he has to devote to me is limited. There are guys in my AA program who are totally devoted to AA and they really don't have much else in life. Well they do have ex wives and children who won't talk to them. They love sponsoring people and have lots of time to devote to AA related activities. I have zero interest in having someone like that as my sponsor.
I call my sponsor almost every day. Most of the time I get his voice mail. That's OK. I have other folks in the AA program that I can call if I need to talk to someone.
I look at my sponsor's time as a gift to me. I expect very little and appreciate everything I get. YMMV.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
Maybe when the sponsor is cancelling you should be saying “no worries, I understand but do you have another time this week we could do instead?” I think that for me at least I would give up too easily on things or myself and wouldn’t put my recovery first. Explain you are keen to get going with the steps. Things like this would end up as a resentment for me which is unhealthy for people like us.
I appreciate that we need to learn compassion and also accept that it’s not always about us but 3 weeks in a row means this sponsor is either not taking their responsibilities seriously, or is going through something themselves and doesn’t have the time to devote to the task which might mean looking for a new sponsor who does have the time. xx
I appreciate that we need to learn compassion and also accept that it’s not always about us but 3 weeks in a row means this sponsor is either not taking their responsibilities seriously, or is going through something themselves and doesn’t have the time to devote to the task which might mean looking for a new sponsor who does have the time. xx
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Brian- I PMed you back.
Re the sponsor thing....and also applying to everyone else in life- I simply had (have) to accept that "it's not about me." Meaning, my sponsor isn't thinking about me and my needs first. Period. A good and strong sponsor, just like any alcoholic, prioritize their own sobriety above all else. That's the only way someone can help another alcoholic. And, that whole "not taking someone else's inventory" thing applies big time here- remembering that I simply do not know what is going on with someone else.
Having other strong sober relationships has been both a process and an incredibly valuable "strategy" for me- I don't just rely on my sponsor for support (to give or receive). Finding those folks didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. That also extends to supportive people outside the program.
Keep going and making the primary decision not to drink, ever, and it really will become easier, better, and more worth facing any challenges. Remembering, even re-reading, the ninth step promises is helpful - not thinking about "doing" the ninth since that is appropriately down the road for you, but seeing what can be in your future like others of us working the program diligently have found in our own lives.
Re the sponsor thing....and also applying to everyone else in life- I simply had (have) to accept that "it's not about me." Meaning, my sponsor isn't thinking about me and my needs first. Period. A good and strong sponsor, just like any alcoholic, prioritize their own sobriety above all else. That's the only way someone can help another alcoholic. And, that whole "not taking someone else's inventory" thing applies big time here- remembering that I simply do not know what is going on with someone else.
Having other strong sober relationships has been both a process and an incredibly valuable "strategy" for me- I don't just rely on my sponsor for support (to give or receive). Finding those folks didn't happen overnight, but it has happened. That also extends to supportive people outside the program.
Keep going and making the primary decision not to drink, ever, and it really will become easier, better, and more worth facing any challenges. Remembering, even re-reading, the ninth step promises is helpful - not thinking about "doing" the ninth since that is appropriately down the road for you, but seeing what can be in your future like others of us working the program diligently have found in our own lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Briansy
Well, another relapse and here I am again on day 1. I'm going to persevere. Disappearing into a black hole is not an option.
I had to remove every single excuse.
There can be zero alcohol ever again. No matter what.
It's life and death, this thing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
So now another relapse after 2 weeks.
This is what I'm always talking about. Those stretches of sobriety are getting smaller and smaller.
The walls are closing in and eventually, it'll be too much.
There has to be a point where you have to want long term sobriety more than you want your instant fix all. Instant fix all is going to end up killing you.
It sneaks up and before you know it, it'll have you by the throat and you'll be helpless.
Still...no matter how much everyone here warns you, some people have to get hit by a train before they know that playing on the tracks is stupid. I was like that too.
This is what I'm always talking about. Those stretches of sobriety are getting smaller and smaller.
The walls are closing in and eventually, it'll be too much.
There has to be a point where you have to want long term sobriety more than you want your instant fix all. Instant fix all is going to end up killing you.
It sneaks up and before you know it, it'll have you by the throat and you'll be helpless.
Still...no matter how much everyone here warns you, some people have to get hit by a train before they know that playing on the tracks is stupid. I was like that too.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Briansy
I hear you guys. I think I want it really badly but you might respond and say "doesn't sound like it". All I can do is try my best to heed your advice and warnings.
Having said all that, if you just "think you want it badly" ( sobriety ) then the results will likely reflect that. Lets say you were the finalist for a job, and the interview committee asked you why they should hire you - if you replied by saying "I think i want it" - what do you think would happen?
Bottom line, you have to do more than want it. You have to commit unconditionally to the concept that drinking any amount of alcohol simply is not an option- ever. And you have to commit to a plan of some kind to help you keep that commitment.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Briansy
Thanks guys. I appreciate it.
We have to be the one place that'll tell you like it really is. WE, that have suffered and recovered.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TN
Posts: 365
Another take on this: Besides whatever recovery method you use, you have to take a mental inventory of the situation. Make a list of all the misery or heartache alcohol has brought you. I assume it has or you wouldn't be on this forum. Ask yourself if you want to continue down this road. Remind yourself that anything in life worth having you have to work for. Sobriety will only come when you are ready. I drank since I was 13. I was a full blown alcoholic at 20. Of course I tried sobriety the first time in my late twenties and then every other year or so. I always failed because I didn't want to accept that I had a problem. I didn't want to give up the lifestyle. I was physically addicted. I was psychologically addicted etc. I lied to myself, my family and everyone who listened that I wanted to quit and then I had sober moments of everything from two days, two weeks and even one whole year in 1996. I always ended back on the bottle because I really didn't want to quit. It was only a half half-hearted attempt at best. I wish you the best but until you do this mental exercise no program will ever get you sober in my experience.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by August252015
Brian- it might sound daunting but now would be a great time for 90 in 90. The repetition, the message, the time to really start learning and working a program- it is such a valuable assignment.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
So what do you think is the underlying issue for the relapsing Brainsy?
Until you do the work to get at that, and be willing to live with the discomfort of not using despite cravings, you will keep relapsing.
Maybe you still just don't want to quit deep down?
That was me for quite awhile.
Until you do the work to get at that, and be willing to live with the discomfort of not using despite cravings, you will keep relapsing.
Maybe you still just don't want to quit deep down?
That was me for quite awhile.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
So what do you think is the underlying issue for the relapsing Brainsy?
Until you do the work to get at that, and be willing to live with the discomfort of not using despite cravings, you will keep relapsing.
Maybe you still just don't want to quit deep down?
That was me for quite awhile.
Until you do the work to get at that, and be willing to live with the discomfort of not using despite cravings, you will keep relapsing.
Maybe you still just don't want to quit deep down?
That was me for quite awhile.
That last bit I thought I was getting on top of. Step 1. Getting past any last remnants of denial. I'm working on it.
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