Cosima11

I'm not going to make a celebratory one year thread (on the 11th) cause truthfully I'm not doing too great right now. My "relationship" for lack of a better term has officially ended, although things have been building up to this for a while. I haven't eaten all day but instead have been chain smoking cigarettes after a 4 month quit. It was sort of like smoking "at someone" only I am the only person I'm hurting. I de-activated my facebook (cause that's going to help somehow?) and can't really bring myself to socialize or talk to anyone else. I did go to a meeting though- I always said I'd go if I needed to and I needed to. Drinking is still totally off the table but I'm having all sorts of other escapism thoughts.. like maybe I should just move to a new city, because that's solved so many of my problems in the past... Or find a rebound, because it's not like I wouldn't drag all of my baggage right along with me or repeat any of my past mistakes..

I don't know.. I don't want to be a downer but just need somewhere I can talk about this. Thanks for listening.

AtomicBlue

I don’t think what you’re going through is abnormal. Maybe you can recognize things from the “stages of loss”? That’s great you went to a meeting. Only thing I can say (I say it to myself often) is this feeling wont last forever and eventually will improve. Sorry to hear about your relationship though

BullDog777

Cosima....

this is exactly why you should celebrate your milestone.

Bear with me for a moment....you said all of this An I hear you. I do...but what I also heard was this...

I didn't drink even though I felt down.
I didn't drink even though I'm isolating.
I didn't drink even though I was tempted.
I didn't drink even though I lost a relationship.
I didn't drink even though I felt self destructive.
I didn't drink and went to a meeting for support.

That's flat out savage. You didn't drink.

Birds fly.
Fish swim.
Alcoholics drink.

You, continue to defy the odds.

If you're not celebrating a victory like that with us....well...maybe you should consider changing your mind about that.

Look at what I wrote... on paper, you're still in this even though you feel like crap.

Actions dictate results. You're winning this.

Keep taking about it. Every day. Talk it to death until you've worked it out. We'd much rather be here with you then for you to be hurting by yourself. Isn't that why we're all here anyway?

You're not a downer...you're taking care of business and handling your sobriety.

entropy1964

Hi Cosima

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I know that feeling....feeling so awful I just want to run or explode or something. But I think you have sussed out that that will not work.

It takes times to sort through feelings and a break up. I know it helps me, in powerless situations, to examine my side of 'what happened' if for no other reason than it gives me something I can control. And long term I think it helps me grow.

Don't drink, no matter what. There is absolutely no escape in that for sure!

2ndhandrose

(((Cosima)))

Even though, you don't feel very celebratory about your upcoming one year, I hope you can feel buoyed by BullDogs very spot on list of your accomplishments.

I am sorry you are feeling this way right now, but you are going through some big stuff. So, 'feeling not so great' seems about right, at the moment.

Cosima11

Thanks for the replies and the kind words Bulldog, means a lot.

In some ways this is a relief as it's been a source of a lot of pain and uncertainty. It's been an on/off thing for over 10 years now, when the stars finally aligned to make it a real possibility I destroyed it with my very progressed drinking. The aftermath is part of what got me to stop. I've carried a huge amount of guilt about it and stayed in a broken situation because how could I not when it was my fault to begin with.. Ironically I was finally able to say what I've been wanting to say the entire time and apologize for everything (probably because it was obvious there's no agenda attached at this point). It's really hard to cope with right now but I guess to put it in perspective there would've been nothing further to lose had I not been sober this whole time..

As for the cigarettes, I'm not going to buy another pack. As much as I'd like to I've come too far in the un-conditioning to go back now. Not to mention how it makes me feel physically. It'll probably be uncomfortable but I didn't wake up craving/obsessing about it so I'm just gonna go with that..

Why this had to happen a week before my 1 year I don't know, really have no answers but maybe with time it'll start making more sense.

Dropsie

Cosima,

I can never come close to what BD said, each word of which I share.

You are one of my favourite people here.

Stayingsassy

ALL OF THIS. Thank you cosima. I felt all this and still do.

these kinds of posts are more helpful at a year than the ones where everything is worked out.

what helps me: is to look at the first year as nothing getting accomplished except sobriety. did you get sobriety done? Check.

That's it. Year two, let's peek out that tiny hole at the top of our cave.

when we are ready.

It's ok. This is normal. It's generally accepted that for alcoholics this is a 2 year process.

Reviewing everything that happened before and everything happened last year is still a bit of a blur and still some residual denial and still some wishing I were different and what the sam hill do I do now.

One step in front of the other. I'm tackling the sugar: you tackle those cigarettes, and let's you and me go find some ways to self soothe without killing ourselves, deal?

Onward.

Dee74

Hi Cosima

Its actually not that unusual to feel this way just before or after a major anniversary. I don't why exactly - but I thought it might help you to know it's not just you

Recovery didn't give me super powers

Sometimes I struggle with my life and sometimes getting through is not a pretty sight.

But I know that bad times pass and that good times will return. A bad day is just a bad day now, not a bad week, month or year

I hope you will decide to celebrate your one year - its a marvellous achievement

D

fini

Cosima, i have a sobriety anniversary tomorrow and am not celebrating.
i have only ever celebrated in the usual sense of that word twice in my sober years.
but i will be aware of it, just as i am aware right now that 12 years ago right now i was getting drunk! with no knowledge i would quit the next day and actually make it out this time.
and in addition to being aware, i will be grateful, appreciative, of having a sober life and of all the people and 'powers' that helped me get here!
which includes a lot of folks right here
and those feelings of gratitude are quiet ones, and they are quietly celebratory

a year is a fantastic milestone!
keep going, just keep going.

August252015

Cosima, thanks for sharing - and well, what Bulldog said!!!

The stuff that has happened in my sobriety that has been the toughest- some of it totally unexpected- you are doing ALL the rig things.

As for the smoking or other fixations....at one point I literally did a first step over frozen yogurt. Various challenges come up for each of us
Sometimes it takes just that- time- to stop using substitute things and that (using x at someone) thinking. It can happen, though.

I'm proud of you! Keep going.

Oh and about going to a meeting- that was one of the best things you did. I remember hearing early on to "go to a meeting when you want to, go when you don't, just go" and that has proven good advice every time.

Cow

Hi Cosima, total understand why this is downer for you. Break-ups is hard, addict or no. However, you situation not is downer to me, but in fact, is inspiring.

I think is good you break up. Sound like it not working anyways and you super cool person making big positive changes, so you gonna deserve relationship that reflect that, yes? I know it not feel that way now, but it true.

Yes, okay, you face super stressful event by caving with the smokings, but seem to me you nip it in bud and stop it from escalate to even worse ways to cope.

I hope you reconsider to deny you self kudos on you anniversay. What you maybe feel not worth celebrating, may I say, I would give eye teeth ...and plus also couple of molars... to achieve. Is okay if it not all good. Is okay if it all still a bit messy. I see lot of good stuff and promise.

Why is it have to happen now?! Cuz maybe this when you can handle it.

PS.

Quote:

Originally Posted by August252015

As for the smoking or other fixations....at one point I literally did a first step over frozen yogurt. Various challenges come up for each of us

HAHA! We maybe related! I just go through this with ginger tea!

waynetheking

This to shall pass. Hang in there. It's going to be alright. We're just glad your here sharing with us. Congrats on 1 year coming up. That's really cool!

Stayingsassy

Hm, maybe kind of "ok I did a whole year, now let's have a drink."

Then you say "no, let's not" and "let's not ever have a drink, remember?" And then you feel sort of tired.

because not much is really fixed in the way of life stuff in fact it's all sort of right there in your face.

I just again go back to the last bender and the old reminder that I can't stop when I start and I can't control my drinking ever, and it's not safe, and it's not good, and it's a sad thing to drink, not a happy time, and I just keep staying sober. (Not really sassy exactly, maybe sassy gets her groove back one day).

Then remembering that life is what you make it, and if you're healthy and of sound mind and body and you have a roof and enough money to buy food and clean water, and you aren't in danger, then well isn't the world basically your oyster, especially without this noose around your neck?

Just takes awhile to make it, after such a giant 180 of a life change.

PhoenixJ

Cos- for me recovery birthdays (only 2) were anticlimactic. I think it good, for me to at least write down all I have accomplished- and allow myself a gentle congrat of satisfaction.

Your 1 year is important- many never make it thus far- like my deceased bero- who died at 42 years of age.

PhoenixJ

to you , well done and keep posting..and my computer is possessed.

SoberCAH

Cosima

Sobriety, and life, both include grief and struggles.

You're going through them right now, as BullDog so articulately described, without drinking.

That, and your anniversary, are both a lot to celebrate, amigo.

Please keep up the great work.

You should pat yourself on the back for putting your feelings out for all of us to synthesize.

You're definitely in the right place.

Delizadee

Cosima be gentle on yourself sweetie. I agree, I always found milestones less than a celebratory thing, but it's especially ow for you right now. And that's ok.
Do what you need to do to stay ok, let yourself grieve and keep going over bulldog's list and remember how far you've come and how awesome you are.
Don't bottle it up, keep letting it out.
You should be proud of yourself, you have stayed very strong.

love and hugs,
Del

Cosima11

Sorry it's taken so long to get back here, it's still hard to talk about but all of your replies and support really means a lot to me. I'm very thankful for this forum and all of you here.

Dropsie, thank you for the kind words!

Sassy, yes deal about tackling the other vices! I still haven't smoked since that day and really glad I didn't go deeper into it or experience much if any withdrawal. I think part of me had been feeling deprived and angry that I'd "had" to quit even though there were no major consequences (yet). But after doing it again it's like ok so that's what all the fuss was about? It's definitely a self soothing thing. There are other ways we just have to form new habits. Sugar is such a tough one I definitely understand..

Dee, it's an interesting phenomenon. I know it's just a show but in Nurse Jackie there's a part where she relapses on her one year and I remember thinking that's ridiculous.. who would do that. I really cannot and will not drink regardless of the circumstances but the thoughts were there briefly.

fini, happy belated anniversary!

August, thanks I appreciate it! It was disappointing that I fell back into that resentful/destructive thinking but ultimately I know my well being is more important and not worth sabotaging.

That was very uplifting Cow and also true.. in the beginning I needed the fantasy that it was still salvageable with him but life doesn't always turn out to be a Nicholas Sparks novel. Reality has become clearer (in many aspects) as I've become more capable of dealing with it. And thanks it's still sometimes hard to believe I even deserve a good relationship but I have changed and can get through this with at least some amount of self-respect and dignity unlike in the past.

Wayne and SoberCah, thank you for the encouragement.

Pheonix, I'm sorry for your loss. I've had a loved one be affected by an addiction related death and there is nothing more heartbreaking.

Del thanks.. it's been a long time since I've dealt with a break up sober (hmm come to think of it I never really have fully) so I'm trying to just "be ok" with the emotions. One minute I think I'm fine but then I just keep going in circles with it.

In conclusion to all my scattered thoughts.. I think you're spot on Sassy about just laying the foundation in the first year. It is a 180 and with that some things have to come to a screeching halt before building up momentum again. I haven't really had the energy to go the extra mile in most things this year but I know I'm at least capable of it now. So if anything the ending of this chapter can be used as inspiration.. to really narrow down my distractions and start putting in the extra effort. Can't say what the future holds exactly but this is where living in the present is really valuable.

Cow

Good stuff, Cosima. You keepa go, girl!

PS. Nurse Jackie not exactly good role model, yes? But I think was one of TV truest depictions of addict. And she die in the end, which you never thought she gonna do either. Was very powerful for me.