RecklessEric

You'll be so pleased to get through a day's work.
Honestly, it's really worth pushing through.

I found it helpful not to consider the whole day- just focus on one hour at a time. When it's time to go home, you'll feel really upbeat.

PinnacleOR

On Day 5 here, Delizadee, so great to read your posts! Please keep sharing.

Delizadee

Thanks Eric, and Pinnacle

Day 5. One day at a time. Yes, I am back on one of those downswing days and taking it one thing, or one hour at a time. I feel restless and indecisive.
I constantly question myself.

I really am not sure what the heck is up with this complete lack of capability to make decisions for myself. Things get especially muddled when I get very conflicting opinions or instructions. Go back to work, or go to treatment (work won out). Date this guy, date no guy at all ( dating the guy) or that guy, or that guy or how many guys do I have to duck at meetings (that in and of itself is such a massive frustration). I've got people telling me, long time sober people whom I greatly admire that AA fellowship here in town is sh*t, that a lot of people put on a show of working the program (something I have seen time and again for myself) but aren't actually living the program. Like I left our coffee date wondering, how in the heck do you work this program then??

I don't know. It's a day for blinders. One foot in front of the other, do what I know I need to do. I keep turning it over to my HP and trust that things will unfold as they should.
Keep trust and let go of expectations. And resentments. That's what I am working hard on today.
Drinking is so far off the table right now.
And that is a HUGE relief, for which I am grateful. I got down on my knees and prayed this morning, so full of gratitude, I cried.

Pagekeeper

All it takes is knowing ONE person who has been through the steps, had a spiritual awakening, and can walk with you as you take this journey.

Also, I know many women with strong recovery, but they still make mistakes and have struggles. We are only human, after all. I've got over 10 years, and I'm no saint. I can still be selfish, dishonest, and inconsiderate. I'm worlds better than I used to be, and 90% of the time my life is manageable, but I'm still not perfect. But when I make a mistake now, I have a program that helps me figure out why I'm screwing up, who I need to make amends to, and how I can learn from this experience and do better.

Progress not perfection!

Delizadee

Day 6.

Thanks Pagekeeper!
Your words kind of reflect on the long conversation I had with my ex last night.
I called him all het up over life circumstances, saying I needed to just talk to someone 'normal' (lol), someone who was not my boyfriend and not in the program. He's been a great support for me through all my messiness.
He told me I was over thinking things. To relax, take it a day at a time, focus on my recovery, and stop over thinking things. He said he was really proud of me for how hard I am working and that I have a good support system set up this time round.
So, I felt a lot more chill after I talked to him.

Yesterday I did not go to a meeting and today I may do an online meeting if not my step study tonight. I am just at a point where I do need more one and one but having every day revolve around AA and recovery work is becoming too much and I am feeling unbalanced. I need to ease my way back into daily life while still keeping my recovery and AA at the forefront.
I have a coffee date with a lady in about half an hour who has been a great support in AA, and also I am supposed to see my sponsor today. I think just keeping it simple and trusting the process is paramount.

It makes me think of my drinking and how I tried to dissect it and all the reasons why I couldn't stop. I don't need to understand all the whys and hows. I just need to not drink, and learn the way for me of living in recovery.
Self-will run riot comes to mind. The needing and wanting to know all the inner and outer workings is some form of needing control, control of the information. I just gotta turn it over, not drink. One foot in front of the other.

I am on the upswing again today. I have been sleeping decently enough, about 6 or 7 hours a night, and waking up right around 6 every day without an alarm. I am tired though. I think my hormones are badly out of whack on top of getting used to my meds again.
I still need to go get my bloodwork done so I am going to put that at the top of my list for tomorrow.
Plus call my senior manager to see what I am walking into on Monday.

I notice when I am feeling down my mind sneaks the wrong way, but the obsession and compulsion is gone for the drink. I keep reminding myself of the hell I just came out of and how easy and quickly it would be to go back down there. The good days are easy, the bad days are a little tricky. But I know it's just an illusion and my mind is going for the escapism.

Head down, one foot in front of the other. Living my life, so grateful to be sober today.

nez

The bad days are a blessing because that is when we are given an opportunity to grow. Growth can be painful, but for me, not growing is a death sentence. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Embrace the pain and thrive from the lessons.

Cow

Good on you, Poppet!

And plus also, when having "bad day" try to remember that while good days is great, bad days is still WAY better than abject hell days of using, yes?

entropy1964

Hi Deliz

Sounds like you're on the right path.

Somewhere I missed that you decided to opt out of rehab and return to work. Glad you have a good AA support system.

Soooo, men. No idea what you should do. But if you are being hit on right and left in meetings, you are going to the wrong meetings. Or, that's my perspective. I have been to 'those' meetings and at the time I believe I liked it that way. I got a lot of attention....even if it was the absolute worst situation for me...but I didn't want to admit that at the time.

Women's meetings. I mean, if you really want great recovery and no pressure from 13th steppers (an especially low form of human preys on people in early recovery) check them out.

Looking back I know that seeking my fix from external sources never, ever worked. I haven't been sober that long this time (18 months ish) and I'm just scratching the surface of who I am. I love to seek an understanding of 'me' from other people or things or substances. Doesn't work.

I hope you'll focus on yourself, your kids and staying grounded.

Delizadee

Hi Frik
Unfortunately they don't have women's meetings here anymore.
I just went for coffee with one of my great AA support ladies and we talked about the 13th steppers. She said, get there early and grab a solo chair! (Good plan) or get up and move lol. The other thing we talked about was the overdose of meetings. I skipped last night's meeting because it is mainly a men's meeting, and while I never got the unwanted attention in that meeting last time, it's a lot of old timer's with the old men's club mentality (is how I look at it) and it's not the most comfortable meeting for me.

I think 17 meetings in 8 days was good and now it's a little much. If I can stick to one a day, or two on the days with noon meetings, or every other day and using my support resources.
The decision to go back to work was essentially a financial one. My hands are a little tied because I have no way to pay for house rent or bills while I am away for 6 weeks. I took one more week off work at my counselor's advice (she wanted two, but the doc only gave me one) and I should be able to make do financially going back on Monday.
If I had an 8K gov't payout buffer to fall back on like I did last time I'd have more options, but I have no savings to fall back on and my family.. haha they are none impressed with me. Financial help has been tapped out.
I have some good traction now in the program. So I will continue on with this trajectory.

As for the external/internal stuff.... I am at a point where I do know who the heck I am at all. I figure it will all unfold in time? And just trying to keep it simple. I know nothing can fix me from the outside in.
Life is fairly domestical this week, things have been overall pretty good. Kids are happy, and I even have time to bake and cook (which I don't have much time for with work).

Gilmer

This is so true!

Delizadee

I talked to my boss and manager today. So I am going back to work on Monday..

I am trying not to stress about it but my stress levels are already through the roof. Inventory happened while I was gone along with a whole lot of other crap that went down with me going into the hospital.
Trying not to dwell and focus on it. It's hard though, I am questioning too much about the about my decision in going back if I am feeling like this.
It's a numbers job and not a people job.
I need to own my shtuff and let go of the rest. This is the crazy-making part, trying to think of all the ways to control something that isn't even here yet.

Obladi

I'd wager it is harder to think about going in than it will be once you get there. Sending good mojo your way.

Briansy

Hi all,

I'm having a pretty crappy morning it must be said. Am suffering the after effects of a day of pretty joyless drinking - this has been after 2 weeks of sobriety and an average of more than one AA meeting per day as well as following suggestions of my sponsor. I actually even went to a meeting yesterday morning and had a big book reading session with my sponsor arranged but he cancelled for the second week in a row due to illness. I guess I could resentful at that and thought "eff it".

I really feel I am doing everything in my power to stop drinking but must be honest in that I have also been struggling with gambling. And I can't really count two weeks of sobriety from alcohol as real sobriety given I have been gambling. I was sure I had gotten step one down but clearly not as I keep relapsing. Clearly, I haven't been thinking: under no circumstances can I never drink again, ever. The consequences come every time and the high has all but gone. So why do I keep doing it? Perhaps it's the gambling and resolving to cut that out entirely also will change things. Perhaps these relapses are just part of the natural cycle and most people go through it? But it's very frustrating.

I am having doubts about my sponsor. He can be tough to get hold of and I am quite discouraged that he cancelled right at the last minute two weeks in a row. Perhaps I need a change? I've only been with him a month, though.

Anyway, would welcome people's thoughts - hardly a new phenomenon in these parts I know!

Cheers,
Brian.

stargazer016

SoberCAH

Delizadee -

I suggest that you focus on whether you are doing the next right thing from a recovery standpoint instead of how you feel from day to day.

If you do the right things consistently, I think that it's a pretty safe bet that you will feel better, too.

I have a friend here who went through treatment last year.

She immediately quit going to meetings, never got a sponsor (she's been planning on doing so for a year, now) and always concerns herself with how she feels and not what she's doing.

She stays in a period of chronic relapse.

I don't ask, but I suspect she doesn't feel particularly well.

Getting and staying sober takes some time, a good bit of paitience and a lot of daily commitment.

I would also be much more concerned about my recovery and less concerned about a balanced life.

If you get sober, you will have all the time in the world to achieve a degree of balance. I certainly have.

Just my thoughts - we are all pulling for you.

Dee74

Gold ^

Hows it going Del?

D

tomls

Welcome back Del! We need you as bad as you need us!