Relapse
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I lost a whole post.
I am going to make this a 'thing' in my head, about voicing my exact thoughts on that.
I need a good whole year to address all my issues, I need it, I want it. I don't have the luxury of that though. There is no one here to take the kids to and from school, they will be completely uprooted and in a new school for a month in a whole other town instead of being just down the road from home, but "away to take care of family", or whatever.
The kids are more excited to go than I am. It will be good because we are unplugged from the world for 6 weeks, the kids get one on one teaching and counseling, we still get our 3 times a week passes to drive home, binge on junk food and netflix and electronics, plus all the other opportunities they get there.
It might not be ideal but the logistical nightmare of the situation I have put myself in is a real one.
This is best case scenario for us all, really. Otherwise it is a complete breakdown of family life.
I didn't have my son with me and my little girl wasn't in school the first time I went.
This crap recycles through my head all day long. I am glad you bring it up, I really need to refocus. I am feeling awfully rough today. I am just tired.
I am doing a whole lot of talking and absolutely nothing else productive.
I am going to make this a 'thing' in my head, about voicing my exact thoughts on that.
I need a good whole year to address all my issues, I need it, I want it. I don't have the luxury of that though. There is no one here to take the kids to and from school, they will be completely uprooted and in a new school for a month in a whole other town instead of being just down the road from home, but "away to take care of family", or whatever.
The kids are more excited to go than I am. It will be good because we are unplugged from the world for 6 weeks, the kids get one on one teaching and counseling, we still get our 3 times a week passes to drive home, binge on junk food and netflix and electronics, plus all the other opportunities they get there.
It might not be ideal but the logistical nightmare of the situation I have put myself in is a real one.
This is best case scenario for us all, really. Otherwise it is a complete breakdown of family life.
I didn't have my son with me and my little girl wasn't in school the first time I went.
This crap recycles through my head all day long. I am glad you bring it up, I really need to refocus. I am feeling awfully rough today. I am just tired.
I am doing a whole lot of talking and absolutely nothing else productive.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Delizadee 
Well I have thought about it and think maybe it's time to start my own thread.
The absolute insanity has got to stop. I am stuck between sick & horror and be damned if it's not ALL about the drinking.
I am committed to going back to the program and going back to treatment but I cannot believe myself. I got out of detox and drank. I went to meetings and drank. I went to my addictions counselor and drank. I drink to keep the horrors at bay but my body just cannot. Frikken. Do. This. Anymore.
My counselor told me to go back to detox if I need to. They are literally fasttracking me back to treatment. I don't want to go to detox again but jesus I need this to stop.
I just hurt so much physically.
What am I going to do differently this time?
Everything. I can't keep doing this. I did go back to meetings and they welcomed me with such loving open arms.
I have to sort my head out and get the rest of my paperwork together.
I am going to spend my 35th birthday in treatment with my kids. I have to go explain to the school and get papers signed as to why I am pulling them out for 6 weeks.
Barf. I've constructed this awful little dark box to exist in and beat myself half to death mentally and physically. Crisis mode needs to stop.
I keep thinking about what Anna said. We can do hard things. I have done this before. I can do this.
I am SO tired of living in the dark and being chased by my demons.
I can't remember what the sunlight feels like.
I know I am not handling anything well but I am out of my own damaged depth here. Most minutes of the days I feel like the worst mother in the world.
If there is one thing I can say having been abandoned by two mothers, I don't want to leave my kids with the worst memories of me. The story was a little different a couple years ago. I don't want to give up on them or me. But I sure am running out of energy.
I want to be sober. I want to live.
The absolute insanity has got to stop. I am stuck between sick & horror and be damned if it's not ALL about the drinking.
I am committed to going back to the program and going back to treatment but I cannot believe myself. I got out of detox and drank. I went to meetings and drank. I went to my addictions counselor and drank. I drink to keep the horrors at bay but my body just cannot. Frikken. Do. This. Anymore.
My counselor told me to go back to detox if I need to. They are literally fasttracking me back to treatment. I don't want to go to detox again but jesus I need this to stop.
I just hurt so much physically.
What am I going to do differently this time?
Everything. I can't keep doing this. I did go back to meetings and they welcomed me with such loving open arms.
I have to sort my head out and get the rest of my paperwork together.
I am going to spend my 35th birthday in treatment with my kids. I have to go explain to the school and get papers signed as to why I am pulling them out for 6 weeks.
Barf. I've constructed this awful little dark box to exist in and beat myself half to death mentally and physically. Crisis mode needs to stop.
I keep thinking about what Anna said. We can do hard things. I have done this before. I can do this.
I am SO tired of living in the dark and being chased by my demons.
I can't remember what the sunlight feels like.
I know I am not handling anything well but I am out of my own damaged depth here. Most minutes of the days I feel like the worst mother in the world.
If there is one thing I can say having been abandoned by two mothers, I don't want to leave my kids with the worst memories of me. The story was a little different a couple years ago. I don't want to give up on them or me. But I sure am running out of energy.
I want to be sober. I want to live.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Just keep it simple. Here's the key, don't drink again. It will get better. Your lucky to be back here. Others die from this. Just don't drink. Keep it simple. ACCEPTANCE. You can't have alcohol anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Congratulations on your decision to go back through treatment.
That takes a lot of courage.
I hope that you try to learn from your slip.
I was in quite a hole emotionally (and from many other perspectives) when I went through treatment.
Trust is earned a day at a time.
Eventually, we are nothing like the person we were when we first got sober (again, as the case may be).
That takes a lot of courage.
I hope that you try to learn from your slip.
I was in quite a hole emotionally (and from many other perspectives) when I went through treatment.
Trust is earned a day at a time.
Eventually, we are nothing like the person we were when we first got sober (again, as the case may be).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,855
I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling, Delizadee.
I am so glad that you are going to go through detox and rehab. You need and absolutely deserve a better way to live - an exponentially better way. I am so glad that you are taking this step.
My thoughts and prayers go with you.
Onward - one brave step after another.
I am so glad that you are going to go through detox and rehab. You need and absolutely deserve a better way to live - an exponentially better way. I am so glad that you are taking this step.
My thoughts and prayers go with you.
Onward - one brave step after another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I didn't go back to detox, no. I am tapering/toughing it out at home.
I think the worst of it is over, last night was rough. But I slept. Pools of sweat, technicolor Grey's anatomy dreams, cruise ships and really bad flus.
Waking up to hearing people knocking, itchy skin, my idiotic cat decided last night was the night to go cuckoo. Jumping all over me like I some twitchy fun play thing under the cover. That is a great thing in the middle of detox! sheesh
First meeting online in an hour. I am going to try and get some more sleep but I'm already logged in and waiting. There's a noon and 8pm meeting tonight, I feel like so much garbage so sleep and water and going to try and get to what I can.
I think the worst of it is over, last night was rough. But I slept. Pools of sweat, technicolor Grey's anatomy dreams, cruise ships and really bad flus.
Waking up to hearing people knocking, itchy skin, my idiotic cat decided last night was the night to go cuckoo. Jumping all over me like I some twitchy fun play thing under the cover. That is a great thing in the middle of detox! sheesh
First meeting online in an hour. I am going to try and get some more sleep but I'm already logged in and waiting. There's a noon and 8pm meeting tonight, I feel like so much garbage so sleep and water and going to try and get to what I can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
THanks Hawk.
Just got back from my noon meeting. I was a little late because the first one ended at 11 and I am feeling pretty damn sick. Had a few moments getting ready that I thought I was heading for barf city and would miss it all together.
The withdrawals are rank, I think I am headed for another rough night. Anyone considering a taper withdrawal just don't.
I fooled myself into thinking I was the master of the taper, and did it too many times. Tolerance and kindling are whipping my behind now.
Scott I did consider detox pretty heavily. I talked to my ex and my friend from detox about it. My counselor told me to go back if I needed to.
The deciding factor for me was taking a week to sober up in closed doors without access to meetings was my undoing. Towards the last day, I had too much time to think about everything without daily meetings or supports set up in place. I went back to my empty house with my half bottle of vodka and no meeting for that night.
So this time I have chosen to throw myself into meetings and connect with as many people as I have the capacity to. And sticking to going through with this.
I said in the meeting today that first the time in a long time I have hope, because I have people. Everyone needs people. I was so alone.
Staying stuck in four walls all day long alone was not working for me. I am broke right now is working for me. lol. Coming out of detox alone with money in the bank again will not work for me.
So I weighed my options, good or bad who knows. Physically would be my preference.
I am sitting in my 3rd meeting of the day now.
I'm not posting in this as much as I would like to be right at the moment, feeling pretty rough and I have made myself busy as I can physically handle.
The meetings have been so, so good.
This one the topic is, "I know you are, but what am? I dentify don't compare"
Good topic.
Just got back from my noon meeting. I was a little late because the first one ended at 11 and I am feeling pretty damn sick. Had a few moments getting ready that I thought I was heading for barf city and would miss it all together.
The withdrawals are rank, I think I am headed for another rough night. Anyone considering a taper withdrawal just don't.
I fooled myself into thinking I was the master of the taper, and did it too many times. Tolerance and kindling are whipping my behind now.
Scott I did consider detox pretty heavily. I talked to my ex and my friend from detox about it. My counselor told me to go back if I needed to.
The deciding factor for me was taking a week to sober up in closed doors without access to meetings was my undoing. Towards the last day, I had too much time to think about everything without daily meetings or supports set up in place. I went back to my empty house with my half bottle of vodka and no meeting for that night.
So this time I have chosen to throw myself into meetings and connect with as many people as I have the capacity to. And sticking to going through with this.
I said in the meeting today that first the time in a long time I have hope, because I have people. Everyone needs people. I was so alone.
Staying stuck in four walls all day long alone was not working for me. I am broke right now is working for me. lol. Coming out of detox alone with money in the bank again will not work for me.
So I weighed my options, good or bad who knows. Physically would be my preference.
I am sitting in my 3rd meeting of the day now.
I'm not posting in this as much as I would like to be right at the moment, feeling pretty rough and I have made myself busy as I can physically handle.
The meetings have been so, so good.
This one the topic is, "I know you are, but what am? I dentify don't compare"
Good topic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Gonna post again, back in the stage of shakes and panicky anxiety now that I have a touch more energy and I am fighting the physical cravings and AV telling me to just ask to borrow more money to get through this a little easier and buying some more. ( I still have some left). I want to want to dump it out. But if I am being honest with myself I don't trust myself that I won't go do that if I do. The brain fog is tricky, because it still feels like a hijack prisoner. So I am going with what I'm told. Keep it simple. One thing at a time.
I am sitting in on my 4th meeting today. I have heard so many good shares today. Eating popcorn. All sweaty and shaky, but at least I bathed and dressed and put make up on. So I am ready to get picked up for tonight's meeting.
I am sitting in on my 4th meeting today. I have heard so many good shares today. Eating popcorn. All sweaty and shaky, but at least I bathed and dressed and put make up on. So I am ready to get picked up for tonight's meeting.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Deliza, if i undertand correctly and you have booze in the house and are getting a ride to a meeting, you could ask the rude-giver to help you pour it out. you could decide to tell them to look everywhere...just a thought. Or your sponsor or someone after the meeting.
you will not be the firstor the last. it is okay.
you are doing what you need to do; awesome!
you will not be the firstor the last. it is okay.
you are doing what you need to do; awesome!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hey Del. I'm glad you're going to meetings.
When was your last drink? You said you were tapering, but I'm also an alcoholic and very familiar with my own tapers...they don't always go like they should on our own. I think with the nature of alcoholism tapers would only work in a lockdown situation. That said you may be managing it, just wondering where you are in your withdrawals right now.
I remember going to meetings and feeling safe there also because I've never felt more alone or more terrified in my life, knowing I was facing a lifelong quit. It's a good place to be.
But, your addiction is running the helm I'm afraid. You have to ask yourself: are you not going to detox because YOU have decided not to...or has that black demon made that decision for you? "It" is unfortunately in charge right now.
Detox would safely get you off the alcohol and I know for a fact that if you called some AA members they could pick you up straight from the facility to take you to a meeting. I don't even attend AA any more, but if you can't quit drinking without support, it is a good place to be.
When was your last drink? You said you were tapering, but I'm also an alcoholic and very familiar with my own tapers...they don't always go like they should on our own. I think with the nature of alcoholism tapers would only work in a lockdown situation. That said you may be managing it, just wondering where you are in your withdrawals right now.
I remember going to meetings and feeling safe there also because I've never felt more alone or more terrified in my life, knowing I was facing a lifelong quit. It's a good place to be.
But, your addiction is running the helm I'm afraid. You have to ask yourself: are you not going to detox because YOU have decided not to...or has that black demon made that decision for you? "It" is unfortunately in charge right now.
Detox would safely get you off the alcohol and I know for a fact that if you called some AA members they could pick you up straight from the facility to take you to a meeting. I don't even attend AA any more, but if you can't quit drinking without support, it is a good place to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Hi Sassy,
You are right. Basically I was trying to get myself just straight enough to get on my feet.
I had a drink approx every 4 hours, strung it out long enough until I didn't think I could go without barfing and collapsing in a shaky sweaty heap into bed.
I held off responding until I could get over the resentment I felt, and was honest with myself, that the mental cravings were stronger towards the end of the night and my drinks came closer together. So I believe my total for yesterday was 6.
I am much more functional today. I feel like I have a bad flu, shaky, weak and nauseous. Bad night sweats. I am tired. Mild head ache. I don't have wheels for a couple days so I walked with the kids to school today. No wheels, no money. Forces me to get out on my feet and well, not spend money.
Sitting in on my first online meeting of the day. I did 6 meetings yesterday, 2 f2f meetings and the last one was awesome.
I did exactly what I said I didn't want to do yesterday. I went out and got a bit more because I was scared of running out and being sick and non-functional. I haven't drank any of the new ones. That was where my resentment kicked in- yup you were right. I know I am still fighting with it because I don't want to tell my sponsor. Not going to make excuses. I feel very guilty.
Not going to dump it out because I don't want to touch it. Not right now. Right now I feel relief NOT touching it, which is where I need to be. Yesterday I felt small relief with those drinks just being in my hands that I did have. Give myself a few hours. I will get somebody to come and deal with it tonight.
It's been just about 12 hours since my last drink and I am committing to 24 hours today.
You are right. Basically I was trying to get myself just straight enough to get on my feet.
I had a drink approx every 4 hours, strung it out long enough until I didn't think I could go without barfing and collapsing in a shaky sweaty heap into bed.
I held off responding until I could get over the resentment I felt, and was honest with myself, that the mental cravings were stronger towards the end of the night and my drinks came closer together. So I believe my total for yesterday was 6.
I am much more functional today. I feel like I have a bad flu, shaky, weak and nauseous. Bad night sweats. I am tired. Mild head ache. I don't have wheels for a couple days so I walked with the kids to school today. No wheels, no money. Forces me to get out on my feet and well, not spend money.
Sitting in on my first online meeting of the day. I did 6 meetings yesterday, 2 f2f meetings and the last one was awesome.
I did exactly what I said I didn't want to do yesterday. I went out and got a bit more because I was scared of running out and being sick and non-functional. I haven't drank any of the new ones. That was where my resentment kicked in- yup you were right. I know I am still fighting with it because I don't want to tell my sponsor. Not going to make excuses. I feel very guilty.
Not going to dump it out because I don't want to touch it. Not right now. Right now I feel relief NOT touching it, which is where I need to be. Yesterday I felt small relief with those drinks just being in my hands that I did have. Give myself a few hours. I will get somebody to come and deal with it tonight.
It's been just about 12 hours since my last drink and I am committing to 24 hours today.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
