Arthox

My roommate is kicking me out
Either because I'm awkward, or my attitude
I feel like a super beta piece of ****...not really
This is crippling my mind; I'm losing someone of dear importance
I know if I were drinking, everything would be kosher
I have to remember I'm doing this for myself
I have to see the silver lining...
It's hard. I want to cry. I want to know why I am unloved by everyone. Why I was disowned as a child. Why nobody is true.

All of this friendship loss is permanent to me. They all treat it like they're going to apologize and it'll be dandy some day. I don't feel like anyone cares. I feel so crazy alone on a planet of so many people.

p.s. - This is what a part of the alphabet would look like if 'q' and 'r' were eliminated.

*(hearing the love of my life have sex above me)

zerominuszero20

You need to move back home and be with family if you have that option.

Arthox

I've burned every bridge.

ScottFromWI

There’s always a way to make improvements in your life Arthox. lot of people here care, because we’ve been exactly where you are now. I think that finding a local recovery meeting or group could be of great benefit to you right now.

zerominuszero20

Maybe you haven't. have you tried putting your head down and sincerely apologizing?

Arthox

No. I've got a problem I don't fully understand. I have little respect for most people. They say words but don't follow through with action. All I do is follow through. It doesn't make sense to me. It makes me feel like people are too insecure to attach themselves to a belief system that makes sense to them at the potential detriment of others and the blissful unconscious attitude towards the notion drives me insane and keeps me up at night.


I'm trying so hard to not be stubborn, but I don't feel like a have a friend on this planet and the only thing keeping me on earth is remembering how many times I've viewed suicidal people as bitches, but the pain... it grows.

ScottFromWI

Have you considered calling a help line? Or going to an AA meeting? Or seeing a therapist? Some times our problems are far bigger than just friends can help us with anyway.

Arthox

No, I need to again. I am able to express my thoughts and laugh at myself for the first time in a long time. Even if it's only temporary. I just wrote an entire page and equalized all my emotions. What am I? I don't feel hooman.

zerominuszero20

Is there more than just alcohol going on? Consider going to the ER please.

Arthox

I for sure have some mental illness.

ER can't help with that.

Arthox

Or I'm just wildly depressed. I just listened to the love of my life having sex while I was working on my book. My life is ******* ****. I know I need to move away, but I don't know who I am, not drinking and all. I feel like a ghost. I feel like I need to drink to get to my next living establishment w/out making any errors, but I know that in itself, is the biggest error.

I understand that, but I'm still burdened with so much anxiety and pain, I don't know what to do. I can't even go on a walk right now because of stomach issues.

I feel like an old man. I have money to travel to anywhere on earth. I need to go. I'm uninspired and defeated. I'm experiencing a deficit of love that I'm not used to. ...

:/

matrac

Maybe you push people away to punish yourself or to avoid getting hurt? Maybe you test people to see how far you can go (how much they care)? Then you have somehow proved to yourself that you are unlikeable or unworthy and that since there’s no hope, you might as well drink?

I think you need to explore the pain you feel with a professional. I hope you realize that drinking will never solve this. You can get better. I can tell that you want things to be different. Take care of yourself and do what’s right...you know what that is I bet.

wildflower70

Sorry to hear you are in pain, and you feel as though you are suffering alone. We are here, and care about you!

If you can afford to travel, how about a healing retreat? Maybe go someplace quiet and peaceful for 10 days...gain some perspective.

I wish you well

waynetheking

The main thing is, don't drink over this. Try praying if you haven't already. Might help ya.