zerominuszero20

I've been drinking a lot since age 21, I am 46 now. I was in a 19-year relationship with my first girlfriend whom I married (no kids just a dog). We both drank a lot every single night together for just about the whole relationship and it wasn't at all a problem whatsoever. We both woke up feeling fine every morning and I would get a hangover maybe 3 or 4 times a year at most and it would usually be over by 11 a.m. and it would be a physical hangover only, (icky stomach and slight headache) without any anxiety or depression. I had a decent job and felt relatively happy every day and totally enjoyed the evening drinking time.

It all changed when she wanted a divorce.

It was not an easy divorce and within a short time, I was living alone in a rented room in someone's backyard in a different town and unemployed. My family was living out of the country and I basically had no friends who weren't busy with being married and raising kids.

My anxiety and depression were severe and I had isolated myself. I was scared to go out and spend money since I was jobless so I just stayed at home in fear all day long. I wanted to just wake up and drink myself into a stupor every day but I waited till exactly 8 p.m. every evening before I took a drink. I noticed that I woke up with super hangovers, unbearable anxiety and depression every morning no matter how much sleep I got.

Things got better after finally landing a job and starting my own eBay business. I was waking up ok again even with a lot of drinking and was excited about expanding my business. That lasted a few months until my online business failed overnight mainly due to negative feedback because my exclusive wholesaler couldn't ship out on time and after much complaining on my end, he decided to end our business relationship (he was also a good friend).

My goal in life at the time was to become financially independent and quit my day job within a short time and find a new love and be able to build an even better life than I had before. The moment that dream busted I saw my day job as a prison I had to go to every day just to survive. The hangovers, anxiety and depression came back overnight. I felt totally defeated and didn't see the point in moving forward since I saw nothing to move toward.

for the next 8 years, I just worked in an office and saw myself getting older and older. I drank every night and had permanent anxiety and depression. I dated no one and isolated myself, preferring to have no friends or acquaintances. I even refused promotion at work because I felt I could not handle any extra responsibility and stayed at an entry level for 8 years. Life was really hell. I did try sober up about 20 times by going into ER or walk-in clinics and asking for Librium to get past the withdrawals.

Every time after detoxing I would feel pretty good after the first few days but life still seemed hopeless and the nights were still unbearably lonely. I have never been able to stay away from alcohol for more than 3 weeks, even now.

Last year I felt I could no longer live with myself and dropped everything and moved to Asia to live with my family. It's good to be in a house with people around. Just small things like hearing people talking or watching TV in the next room is extremely comforting to me compared to how isolated I was before.

At this moment I am sober (around 2 weeks) and am dating a girl that I am not so content with but treats me well. I still get anxiety and depression when I think about how I am going to put the future together with her since I don't really feel it with her.

Alcohol seems to be my friend when the going is good but my enemy when the going gets tough.

Thanks for listening.

ScottFromWI

Thanks for sharing zero. One of the recurring issues you seem to bring up throughout your story is anxiety and depression. Have you ever sought professional help for those issues? Alcohol is of course a central nervous system depressant, so if you have depression it will make it worse. Anxiety during withdrawal is very common too, but it's also possible that you suffer from clinical anxiety. I do myself and tried to "self medicate" with alcohol for years. But in the long run it actually makes anxiety worse too. It can take months for your brain chemistry to re-balance after quitting, so unfortunately we all had to endure some uncomfortable times in order to get there. Since you are now living with your family, perhaps you could use your current 2 weeks of sobriety to explore some of those other underlying issues you might have?

zerominuszero20

Hey thanks Scott.

Yeah, I know all about depression and hangxiety. My depression is situational and not chemical. I actually do not believe in the chemical imbalance theory of depression. I have been to talk therapists and they weren't much help at all.

ScottFromWI

Regardless of the source/cause, have you sought professional help to deal with it?

lessgravity

Thanks for sharing your story zero. I found that the vast majority of all of my anxiety and depression lifted or was completely decimated once I got far enough away from the poison. I still get woken up at 3 a.m. with worries and life is no Bowl of Cherries, but everything is so much more manageable now that I don't have booze in my life.

CRRHCC

"My goal in life at the time was to become financially independent and quit my day job within a short time and find a new love and be able to build an even better life than I had before. "

Thanks you for sharing your feelings.
The main navigational tools in life are values and purpose. People overcome hurts, habits and hang-ups out of purpose-based motivation (based on values) -- they better themselves when they recognize how their habits, violate who they were, what they want to be, where they want to go in life.

Sounds familiar, I lost my purpose and values and had to rediscover them. Put your values and purpose on paper and rediscover yourself.
“The truth will set you free."

zerominuszero20

Yo thanks CRRHCC,

So would you like to tell me more about the tools?

zjw

luckily a lot of your post is in the past so whew thats done. I was reading the parts about your job and staying entry leel and not taking promotions because it would be too much to handle and how much you hated your job etc.. and i'm liek oh man i can so relate. But then when i got to the moving to asia part I thought oh well cool least this terrible jobs no longer an issue etc..

I suppose your providing a bit of hte back story and hope your not dwelling on it all too much.

this new girl and a future and your worry about it? I dunno who cares. take it one day at a time. focus on whats immediatly in front of you and just roll with it. It will either improve and get better or it will just fall apart and that will be that. Try not to force things any which way just let things flow and be. Allow things to come about organically. Do what you can within your means to do so and as you feel comfortable and such. Dont take on more then hyou can handle or things that might make you more anxious or cause you to want to pick up. Go easy basicly.

sounds like your making good progress. But it does take time.

I think my best advice would be to try and not dwell on the past too much and try to not look out on the horizon too much. past is done future hasnt happened yet. Just worry about today and enjoying it etc..

I heard someone recently say "yesturday what made me happy was.." so if you have to think about yest think "yest what made me happy was.." and leave it at that.

CRRHCC

You can't get addicted to a substance or a behavior, that you have not learned does something for you. Reverse engineer this premise.
Ask yourself and put it on paper: why do you drink or drug? Addictions always serve an emotional purpose. Reasons for drinking or drugging or almost always preceded by feelings of overwhelming, intolerable helplessness. As abusers, we drink or drug to escape the trap, to regain control of our feelings our emotions. The trick is to empower ourselves and escape the trap with a healthy behavior that is of high value to ourselves. Of course this is easier said than done and requires a lot of introspection and mastering one's emotions.
"A fool vents all their feelings, but a wise person holds them in check."
Proverbs 29:11.

paulokes

Hi my friend

From what you say i assume you've been drinking more or less daily for some time?

And if so I virtually guarantee that your levels of anxiety and depression, and your overall outlook on life are markedly worsened, if not entirely caused, by your level of drinking.

That isn't a matter of opinion it's a matter of scientific fact...and can be testified to by many of the folks here including myself.

No one can say you will never feel anxious or depressed if you don't drink...but if you can sustain a period of abstinence and get whatever other help you need you WILL feel better.

I didn't believe this either, until I gathered up some real sober time and started to feel better myself.

I would gently suggest staying open to the advice of counsellors, professionals and the good folks here...hard as it seems to believe it they can see the bigger picture and may help you until you're out of the current hole and able to see it for yourself.

Good luck man

P