zjw

For anyone who cares. some of you know i lost my job a while back etc.. I'm still jobless basicly. But i started a business and its making me a little money but not enough.

I honestly think loosing that job was a good thing. It was the last shred of the old me that i can think of that really I think just needed to go casue it no longer fit this sober me. Heck in the end it didnt fit the drinking me either.

This job loss thing is crazy but I think my life is just balancing out. for example you drop a ball from high up that first bounce is pretty hard but then it settles down. I think thats whats going on with my life now. I dont know if i'll ever be at that income level again. I frankly dont care either. For me its not really abou tthe income its if the work i gotta do to earn a living I find manageable does it make me happy or is it driving me insane and making me want to drink?. I'm also finding now that some weeks I do too much and get very stressed out so I'm kinda relearning some boundaries here.

I hope for my sake the income aspect gets better or maybe my overhead costs get lower. Either way I think they will balance and settle themselves out.

I've been on a lot of interviews but nothing pans out. I'm about 95% sure i'm no longer going to return to my old field and i'm really happy about that. 5% why i'm unsure is that piece of me thats just desperately holding on to what once was but no longer is and just need to get over itself is all.

Drinking wise my latest issue is when i see booze sold in stores its like as tempting as ones favorite food for some stupid reason. I'm like oh come on what gives! but i know the drill and know i cant drink i REALLY cant. it does annoy me that its suddenly a little more tempting.

At the end of the month i'm going to be working at a festival full of hippies and loaded with drugs. I'm questioning what i signed up for. I keep thiking am i too old for this BS? lol but I'm not worried about drinking there or nothign. I actually think it will be considerably fun and entertaining atheres gonna be godo music and so on. I think it will proabbly be a blast and considerably more fun then if i went to it intoxicated.

Anyhow thats all i got for now. I'm oddly in good spirits even tho i'm having to beg family for money and so on at this point. I'm not letting it get to me tho. I'm just waking up each day doing what i can loving my kids and moving forward tackling the problems i can handle and leaving the rest up to my higher power.

I was out of work once itme years ago and i found that i rather enjoyed the part of it that FORCED me to quit trying to control what i couldnt control and FORCED me to just rely on my higher power. Its really rather liberating to just let go and let it all be its just so much easier then trying to be the angry dictator of your life.

zjw

another graet thing about loosing that job too is waking up each day not worried i'm gonna get fired haha. loosing that job has been an incredible relief in many ways.

Wholesome

LOL that's a good point! Don't have to worry about that anymore, at least lol

That's really great about your business. Keep going with what you like doing and what you're passionate about. You're a smart guy and you take your responsibilities seriously, you'll get back on your feet.

And it's not that you can't drink - it's that you don't drink.

zjw

yeah i was offered a beer i thinj its the first time i've ever been offered one since i got sober that i can remember anyhow. last week at another music festival i was at. I was like lol no thanks I dont drink.

I thought no way that clown has enough beer to satisfy me even if i did drink haha.

JJ9

Great news on the business! Stay strong, I have admired your sobriety and your attitude toward life for a couple of years now. Love reading your posts.

Mango212

Drinking wise my latest issue is when i see booze sold in stores its like as tempting as ones favorite food for some stupid reason.


Several days later, curious if this feeling is passing?

Sending good wishes for your income. May it get easier and more fun!

zjw

The part about how i dont drink needs to really be reinforced into my brain. I think your right here.

I'm going to try and explain how i feel and maybe some can relate and maybe some can help me too.

Its like i float between "walk out on my family so i dont have to face this hell", "go get drunk so i can escape this", "kill myself?" or simply just keep doing what i'm doing and hope that things improve. I realize none of the above ideas are any kind of a solution and teh walk out on my family one isnt that i wanan walk out on them i dont not at all. I just wanna walk out on my problems and take them with me! but thatws not really an option.

So while i keep charing forward and keep trying to smile. I do at times wonder am i in denial about how big my problems are? Or am i just solving this HUGE problem one bite at a time? I can only handle so much so i'm trying to go at this with little bites here and trying to solve it.

So yes at times i'm having a low moment and i'ml ike awe man maybe i should just go get some vodka rarararara. I realize that this is just a thought and its not something i can or will act upon. etc..

focusing on the problems also can be really unbearable. So i generally just try and focus on what i can handle. I try to tackle what i can.

I try my darndist to just focus on positive happy stuff. I know if all i do is sit around and focus on how bad my sitaution is i'm gonan have some rough panic attacks and hit the booze store.

for example a few days this week i was trying so hard to remain positive. But i guess subconsiously i wasnt i duno as i was having problems breathing. I can only attribute this to panic. I think the panic attacks are trying to come back. But i just keep trying to focus on good stuff and tell myself its gonan be fine.

I know in the end this will all work out. it always does.

Wholesome

There's no doubt that it's a hard situation and the pressure is on. It's stressful having the wolf at the door! I know, I've been there.

You won't be out of work forever though, you will figure it out, either with your new business or the right job will present itself. Until then, all you can do is keep trying. Take care of what you can and keep your chin up.

zjw

yeah at the same time i have 2 possible interviews blowing in the breeze. I wake up in the morning and wonder what am i today? do i run my own business or am i going to be working for someone else again or will i jsut be chasing my kids