Fronting

Hello. I just really need to vent. I have been drinking alcohol for 15 years now. Just beer but I put it away. I just had a break up with my women. It is another women I lost to alcohol. And each time it happens its never easy. She herself drank with me in the beginning. But she quit and only waited for me to quit for a month. We was only together for the summer but love comes at any point.

Alcohol makes me think I can have my beer and my women. Not until she finally starts ignoring your text then you realize what you just lost. Being in this spot to me is worse than having a drinking problem. But my drinking is what must be getting me to this place.

I want to just get super drunk so I don't feel anything really. But now I am faced with quitting without her even around. And I have to find the power from within to actually care about myself enough to not poison it with alcohol. But I thought it was the other way around? You need the love from a loved one to help. But I might be being selfish on that thought.


I have read through the family and friends section and I feel really bad for a mate leaving another. I guess because I know the pain it causes on the one being left. On the other hand I need to understand the one leaving doesn't deserve to have to be there. I think when a man acts like a drunkard a lot the women begins to look down on them and see nothing attractive at all anymore and wonders why she was even with him.

I guess my first step is to not drink this weekend as I am a weekend drunk. I drink Friday night all the way into Sunday night where I slow down and work Monday.


I need to stop and not expect her to come back to me too. I learned when women leave from a drunkard they don't come back because they can't get the drunk out of their mind and see the man they fell in love with. I don't exactly know how that works but that seems to be the case.


I'll just wallow in the muddy life I made for a few months and hopefully I can stay sober the whole time. I need to do it for myself, my family and my future girlfriend.


I sincerely apologized to her and told her I hope the best for her as she used to drink some too and had issues. I just thought she would give me a bit more time to turn it all around just as I seen how she acted drunk. Maybe there was more too it but me drinking seemed to disgust her and limited he patience to almost zero.


I still love this women too which is eating a hole in my brain at the moment.

Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Hi Fronting

welcome, although I'm sorry for your recent break up.

I lost two long term relationships over my drinking. It hurt - but I came to see I really gave them no choice. They were really in a three way relationship with me and my booze.

Do you think you can stop drinking? Is that your aim?
D

Fronting

Hello Dee.
I have quit before for 2 years. I know I can physically do it but I don't know if I want to. I know Monday I had such a bad hanger I don't even know how I went into work. On top of the hangover was the breakup feeling. I don't think I can handle both of those feelings at the same time anymore. Or really the hangover because they are getting beastly as of late. I think my body is dying from it but as I recover by Friday I feel okay to do it again. I have a family member who told me one day you won't get over your hangover and will remain sick. That scares me pretty bad.


I guess you know the feeling too of losing a loved one from your drinking. It generally is a gut wrenching event.


I will try to not drink this weekend. But the bad part is I feel like all my effort is for nothing since she already left me. It will be a lonely sobriety start that's for sure but I'll give it a shot. I am just not sure what to do? Should I get a part time job to keep me busy on the weekends? or should I find some hobby or something?


Two problems at one time stinks. I almost feel I should keep drinking for a couple months until I am over her then stop. But I know that's a load of horse dung and the addiction talking.

I don't even really smoke cigarettes but I bought a pack today and almost have them all gone from the stress.

Dee74

Well, I wish I had good news for you, but I think as long as you keep drinking the risk will be there that your hangovers will get worse, your alcohol dependency will grow and you'll very likely lose more relationships.

Maybe this is a good time to think about what you want the rest of your life to look like?

D

Fronting

You're right Dee. That's why I am here since you can't really talk to anyone who doesn't drink or just drink a few here and there as they don't know what its like to get so drunk and your literally start having mind altering psychosis which is what is happening to me. I'm going off into a world where I am not aware of reality and other people's feelings. Its to the point now I need to lock myself in a room so I don't hurt anyone's emotions.


Its one thing to get drunk and wake up knowing nobody knew about it but its a totally different evet when someone close witnesses it and it screws up the relationship.


No doubt about it Dee if I don't stop I'll mess up the next relationship. I seem to get a little weird with just a few beers even.

Gottalife

For what its worth I think you handled the parting well, much better than I could have.

The booze solved my problem with women, it drove all of them away and made it impossible to find new ones. No self respecting woman would have anything to do with me. I remember going to a bar to see if I could pick one up. I would need a few drinks to boost my confidence, then a few more for good luck, and a couple more for no reason at all, then I would approach the lucky lady and find I had lost the power of speech, I could only slobber and drool.

Alcoholism can be such fun.

Fronting

Hello again.
I wanted to give an update on this situation.
My first post on this topic was back on 9-5-2018. I met the girl in June.
At that time 9-5 she was telling me to quit. Today is 12-11-2018 and she finally is ignoring me.

I had 3 months to change and I didn't.

Here is a lesson to all who drink and have a lady they love. They will give you some room to quit. If you don't take that small window they offer and turn around the love they have for you will dissolve into thin air and be replaced with regret for ever loving you.

If anyone actually loves their women and wants to make it work you have to quit. You can't keep slipping because each time you do she turns from you a little bit more. And then you will win her back again as if its all going to be okay, so you think. But she will surprise you one day and there will be no more "I love you" and soft kisses from her. You will become alone and stuck with alcohol who hates you.

Not a good night for me.

Don't do it brothers. If you love someone quit so you can love them properly. Without quitting you don't have a chance.

Now I'm sitting here with a broken heart and I can't even talk to her to somehow patch it up once again. In a previous conversation about 3 weeks ago even if I told her I would quit she wouldn't believe me she stated. My window went longer than it should have most likely. Her heart most likely fell from me a month ago and she just had the courage to ignore me finally.

Dee74

I'm sorry Fronting.

Maybe its time to change your life and ensure this never happens again?

D

Fronting

Hi Dee.

This quote by Peter, servant of Jesus Christ, brings to light my situation.

Romans 7:15

15 For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.

Dee74

The answer to that problem is in the following chapter Romans 8 1-5

I don't believe anyone is doomed to live a certain way. - there can be change, if you want it, and are prepared to work for it

D

Outonthetiles

Alcohol destroyed at least five long term relationships for me, including two de facto marriages. I changed by stopping drinking and my moods leveled out and allowed me to enter a stable, adult relationship. If I'd continued drinking, assuming I survived, I would have continued the destructive pattern and would never have been able to have a lasting relationship.

HTown

Alcohol destroys relationships. If you are going to continue to drink, please do not hurt anyone else and stay single. Once a woman loses respect for you it is over in her eyes. Now that you are free, you can concentrate on you and getting sober. now is the the time to be the person you want to be. good luck to you

Threshold

I've been on both sides of this...the alcoholic who drove a loving spouse a way, and a loving partner who finally left because booze was his first true love and I was the interloper.

I'm clean and sober now and in a relationship with someone who is also clean and sober and both of us working a program of recovery. Wow!

Your window to get and stay sober hasn't closed and never will. This particular woman may have moved on, but you still have you and potentially the rest of your life to enjoy, sober, with a nice partner.

As I told my boyfriend when I finally left....don't use this as an excuse to self destruct...but of course any excuse to drink seems like a good one and he ended up living in the woods in deep winter drinking for three months till he'd spent every penny of savings and all of his retirement and nearly froze to death.

The idea of living sober is much scarier than the reality of living sober. I used to think my feelings would kill me and therefore tried to poison them away, and it didn't work. I still felt them AND felt like crap and sabatoged every good thing in my life.

Now, free from the chemical induced haze, I have the freedom to make choices, have relationships, address my feelings, plan my day, spend my money how I choose, rather than on booze and drugs, and I have a lot of friends living the same good life. It's way better than I imagined it would be, because when I was drinking, I couldn't imagine a life free from alcohol.

just something to think about. There is a lot of help available for free for you to have a life beyond your wildest dreams.

Fronting

This makes sense.

The good news is each relationship you have a new start. It might not be able to be done with the same person ever again but with a new person you do have a new start as I seen it myself. Although I repeated it again.

This women was 20 years younger than me. She was just a baby slightly older than 23. That in itself is an obstacle. And she also had her own issues which turned me away, perhaps not giving me the willpower to stop to make it work.

I'm moving on as well. I'm tired of checking my phone for messages from her every hour only to see nothing! lol.

I told her I loved her. If she loves me I'll hear back from her and if not then so be it.

ScottFromWI

I'm glad to hear you are moving on Fronting. Do you have any specific plans for how you might make your sobriety a higher priority?

lostinjersey1

THANK YOU!!!! I fell madly in love with an alcoholic; had two wonderful years together before I realized how bad he was. Now I am left heartbroken while he took off to go drink himself to death in a hotel room. No contact for over three weeks. I wish someone would have told him do not get into any relationships, even after four relapses. Stay sober a few years than try again. Please!

Fronting

I can respect that. I doubt I'll wait 3 years but...in my defense and this is neither here nor there at this point, but we both drank heavily at the start. And we actually fell in love at that point. I drank beer she'd carry around Jack Daniels. We'd lock ourselves in my place and drink and listen to music and have a good time.

But then she went to rehab and once she was out that was pretty much it. She told me if I keep drinking that was it. And sure enough she wasn't bluffing. Each time I drank she'd ignore me and yell at me a little and forgive. This went on for a fair amount of times until we found ourselves not doing anything on the weekends together.... until this last time her voice is just a memory now and she won't share it with me. No official break up but just nothingness.

Stayingsassy

It sounds like you have alcohol and relationships tangled up together in your head. I had alcohol, dieting and body image tangled up in mine. I still have some knots in there to work out. It’s taking time, but returning to drinking to deal with it is over. I returned to drinking to deal with this over, and over, and over again because it seemed to temporarily fix it, until it worsened my drinking yet again.

Your drinking is separate from women and relationships. Your drinking is about you, not about their perception of your drinking reflected back at you. You are in a dark pattern. Your language suggests that your sobriety hinges on their disapproval of your drinking, and then you ultimately fail sobriety, because it wasn’t about you. You made it about the glorious feeling you get in the first weeks and months of a relationship knowing deep down it can’t last because you drink and then the tragic drinking that occurs at the end of the beautiful beginning and the feeling that you can’t get what you need from relationships because you drink.

I’m not hearing from you these things: “I can’t achieve what I need when I drink, so I will quit.” Or “my life takes a bad turn every time I drink, so I will begin permanent sobriety in the hope of better outcomes.” Or “I lose people I love when I drink, and I have a lot of love to give, so i will quit.”

There is an “I” message there.

Think about it a bit. What do you need for you? Not for a woman, not for sex or love, but for YOU.

ScottFromWI

Sassy hit the nail on the head Fronting, you are trying to avoid dealing with the drinking issue by wrapping it up in the relationship problems. It's a pretty simple premise on the surface - just as you can't build a house before you build the foundation, you can't solve your other problems until you address your addiction issues. I say "simple"...because it is a simple problem in concept - but it's not "easy" to fix. You'll need to do some things you likely don't want to do ( accepting that drinking is never and option for one ) and it won't feel good for a little while. But I can absolutely guarantee you that you'll have a far better chance of building relationships - and not just with women - if you can address your drinking problems. If you don't, then you can pretty much expect more of the same and worse.

NYCDoglvr

I can promise you this: no relationship is possible while you're drinking. It's not the relationship, it's the drinking that is the problem. Are you ready to get help?