Briansy

Hi all, I am on day 33 and with the exception of an evening of irritability and discontent on Thursday of last week (which didn't give rise to serious thoughts about drinking but more fleeting considerations), I have gotten through it without any cravings or really trying moments.

Yesterday I came home from work and on the way home experienced intense feelings of irritability, frustration, stress, anger - about work, finances and just life in general. It was really tough to get through without drinking but I went for a large fast food dinner and it passed. Today was not as bad but I came home from work early and had the whole afternoon and rest of the day with my thoughts - I have felt a bit down - again, discontent, fantasising about winning the lottery so my financial situation will improve, anxious and simply bored. I had decided I would allow myself a small slip and go to the Indian restaurant when it opened at 6PM - where I would drink "civilly" with a nice meal and go home to bed and start again tomorrow. Thankfully I managed to talk myself out of this and went again and got a KFC meal and resolved to go to an AA meeting. I am heading off in about 20 minutes.

This has come as a bit of a nasty surprise as I had been doing so well and was going to AA meetings almost every day (although not the last two days). Admittedly, I have yet to get a sponsor and go through the steps (although I intend to ask a guy I see in my regular Monday meeting) but I have mentally prepared myself for it and been active in consuming recovery materials and listening intently at meetings etc.

Have many others experienced this at the one month mark? How did you deal with it? Should I prepare myself for a protracted rocky period? Am proud that I managed to stop myself at the brink but I thought what appeared to be genuine "acceptance" that drinking was not an option meant the white knuckling was over. Clearly I was wrong!

doggonecarl

Good on you for avoiding a relapse.

A month is great, but still very early in recovery. What started to happen with me was thinking I had it licked and finding out that 35 years of drinking wasn't overcome in a month...or two. Or for me, a year. I learned I had to stay vigilant when I felt secure as much as I had to stay vigilant when struggling.

SnazzyDresser

Interesting that fast food came to your rescue twice. It's kinda like Colonel Sanders is your sponsor!

Briansy

A lifelong association with that great man would be a dream come true!

Stayingsassy

Briansy: it's all completely normal.

At a month I was stopping short of tearing my hair out and gritting my teeth while internally berating and yelling at myself, "I don't drink no matter what!!!" I was even worse here on SR. also most of us use food to cope. I still do. Working on that but I'm with Carl: a year still feels early to me.

BullDog777

I relied on Popeye's, Red Robin and Chipolte. This isn't necessarily a bad way to deal early on, just make sure you balance it out with exercise and otherwise healthy eating.

At a month, I was so hypervigiliant, it was scary.

I was a freakin mess!

I said dozens and dozens of times a day "I don't drink under any and all circumstances" I also based every decision I made on 1 simple question: "Is this good for my sobriety or bad for my sobriety?" If it was bad, it had to go. Period. No discussion.

I wouldn't watch certain movies, listen to music, I needed a lot of quiet time and I frequently had stress headaches. I was doing therapy, rehab and later, IOP. Anything that could trigger me had to go. Everything made me irritable and I got really restless at night. I had insomnia too. Terribly at times.

I remember right around 3 or 4 months sitting in rehab and someone opening a can of soda. I jumped out of my chair with a look of complete horror. The counselor saw it as it was in a group setting and told me I was reacting to that sound like someone who has PTSD. If I drank beer it was always a can. It freaked me out.

Cans weren't allowed in my house for a good 7-9 months I think. Now, it's no big deal.

I think for me everything got easier around 10-11 months. I felt pretty good about 14 months and 18 months I felt like I was really starting to get this "living" thing.

I think I stopped craving it all together around 2 years.

At 2.5 years, It's hard to imagine I ever accepted that way of life.

I think you're doing fantastic. Wayyyyy better than I was.

Hang in there brother, it gets a lot easier.

Jjb2018

Took me almost year and more months that kind of feeling boredome discontent emotionally unstable and making unrealistic plan hard moment romantizing about alcohol...it actually drives me crazy most of the time but somehow it surpass just be kind to ur self you are just recovering from illness be patient to your self. keep me motivated i always say to my self "im sick" i need to heal and recover.

August252015

Learning to get through any kind of bad days (like the one I had yesterday both at work and home) takes time! A month is so awesome e and very early. I found that those who told me to keep doing the right things (like you are, going to meetings, spending time here, etc) no matter what I felt like at the time or was happening, were right. And you did the single best thing- you didn't drink!!

Sometimes it's when I have been doing all the right things, my best so to speak, when tough things big or small come at me. The ups and downs of emotions and ability to handle things more quickly and easily takes time.

Keep going.

Gottalife

Hi Brainsy, here’s how it works. The experience you had can occur at any time. It is different for everyone. What we get when we stop drinking is an unspecified window of opportunity, like a period of grace which hopefully we will use to get on with whatever treatment we have chosen, in your case the steps. Some people seem to get years to get started, others only a few days.

Nobody knows how long it will be before the obsession comes back. The last time I went through this, the obsession was on me after 21 days. Fortunately that was just a four day bender, but it gave me a clue as to what is meant in the first step by powerlessness. I came back and I didn’t wait three weeks to get started. I got a sponsor in the first week, got into the work, and never needed to drink again.

Maybe take this as a wake up call. There is a time limit in play, we just cannot tell you how much time you have. I don’t know, but I do know it is not unlimited.

ScottFromWI

Yep, totally normal. Our drinking was so ingrained into our lives that it's not realistic to think that we can just stop drinking and things will magically change. Certainly it does get easier over time and my personal experience is that I really never have "cravings" anymore nor urges to drink alcohol. But probably for at least a year I had occasional instances where I thought about drinking from time to time - fortunately I had tools and resources to keep those thoughts at bay an do something else. SR is one of them and I'm glad you've come her to discuss it, that's a sign that you are finding those tools yourself.

FBL

What you did there, I call working your recovery. A month is great, but still very early. The more sober time you get under your belt, the more ingrained your recovery will become. Sobriety will become your new normal, just give it time.

Briansy

Thanks for the responses everyone. Feel much better today. Went for a run and cleared my head this morning and glad to know that these urges seem to go away completely for most.

SoberCAH

Brainsy -

I think you're doing a very good job, amigo.

These instances (or days, weeks, etc.) happen.

Even people who have no need to be in alcohol or other substance abuse recovery have trying times.

They just don't have drinking compulsions and thoughts.

If I have a day like you described, I am liable to think about drinking.

If my wife does, she may think about eating a loaded baked potato or something like that.

Neither she nor I have ever lost a job or been in legal jeopardy of any sort over a loaded baked potato, but I certainly have with alcohol.

In AA, we go to "any lengths" to stay sober, which, in your case, includes KFC.

Please keep working the AA program and keep us posted.

NYCDoglvr

I did 90 meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor. Couldn't have stayed sober without the help of other alcoholics. We all get down from time to time but I promise, it will pass. Congrats on 33 days!!

Briansy

Hi all, appreciate the responses. I finally gave in to the cravings and drank last Saturday. And have drank a couple of times since then. I have really veered off course badly and feel like crap again. The only positive is I got a sponsor who I am meeting later today and that's a big step forward. I also didn't go on a bender so I'm not back in the place I was in late July although I know it's only a matter of time if I keep going - the drinking I did was not enjoyable and it's amazing how sensitive I am to it now and how bad even a relatively modest intake makes me feel. So there are useful learning points here and I'm not letting this situation linger.

August252015

Sorry to hear this Briansy. My biggest suggestion right now is to be honest with your sponsor. You can make this your last start.

Briansy

Hi August. I really am happy I asked this particular guy to be my sponsor and it was nice that he was really pleased I asked him. He seems committed, kind, patient etc and has a lot of time on his hands which is good. Also we get on really well, have similar stories and he's quite bright. So I think I'm in really good hands. Met him for a couple of hours tonight and we put a plan in place. So feel reinvigorated. Need to stay focused and apply more consistent effort this time

August252015

Good to hear. As long as he has a working knowledge of the steps and takes you through them- and you truly do them - it sounds like a good path. I do know that bi similarities with and differences from my sponsor (two, actually, one extremely different from me in all ways except being an alcoholic, basically- she got me started and we did 1-3, and she instilled a lot of discipline in my program as it still is today). My second and current sponsor is more like me in a lot of ways, most importantly that her way of living the program was "having what I wanted."

You can do it.

Briansy

He's been sober for 20 years and I think the plan is to read the big book together from start to finish (covering the steps that way as we go along) as well as my checking in with him every day, doing a gratitude list every day, praying to stay sober in the morning and a thank you prayer in the evening (I'll go with it!). Read and practice something from the just today card. Read something from the big book on my own every day. Go to a meeting, take numbers, actually make the effort to talk to people there.

August252015

Not to be on repeat but the most important part of all that good stuff you just said is the word STEPS. Not just "covering the steps" i.e. Reading them as you go through the BB. I'm hopeful he will expand this initial sum up to including very specific attention to each step as you work them. The first 164 p of the BB are the most important for the sponsor-sponsee work as you start.

I am a big believer in daily supporting work like you mention here! Still do the same five things every morning for my recovery work, one of which is reading pp 84-88 and 417-418 and doing the step 11 inventory about the day prior.

You can do this.