Cellardweller

I’ve been able to string together a bit over a year of sober time. I’ve moved, picked up some new hobbies, new line of work to get away from producing booze, and have been working on my personal health.

This is just to get things off my chest, so if irespond it may be slow. I have been having some pretty big mood swings. I was up yesterday, down today. I think a lot has to do with work to be honest. Life is what you make of it; not drinking is step 1, many more steps are after that.

I have pretty dark thoughts when I wonder “is this everything? Is this it?” Drying out doesn’t solve the problems we have in our lives, I remind myself. Today felt oppressive, too big to handle. I don’t know what I enjoy doing anymore. Everything is an item to be checked off the ‘to-do’ list. Work was my world, but that’s gone now. All the reasons to stay positive seem pretty contrived and empty. I can’t seem to get any time to clear my mind, to ‘check out’ for a while.

The whisky I bought on the way home is hidden away. I didn’t drink it, but haven’t dumped it. My brother asked “what good would that do to drink it?” He’s got his own drinking issue. My response was: nothing, but does anyone ever expect anything good from it? I know what it could do, but I need a ‘time out’ in my head.

The hardest time is when things are quiet, but my head still is working.

Needed to vent.

Edit: anyone miss the blurry veil? Something oddly comforting about the daily reward.

least

I missed it at first but as I grew stronger in my sobriety my vision cleared. Now I don't miss it at all. I like being 'all there'. If I had an emergency, I can respond. When I was drinking, I was always getting drunk, getting more drunk, or recovering. I didn't like that life.

If you want to strengthen your sobriety, I suggest you start practicing gratitude every day. It will make you happier too.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Vinificent

Yes I miss the blurry veil and the checking out at the end of the day, but what keeps me from giving into that temptation is playing the tape forward to the headache, nausea and anxiety that follows a blackout. Now I take some melatonin and sleep 😴...no matter how early. Then when I wake up I hit a meeting. Do you have any recovery meetings you can attend in your area?

Helianthus

I second this wholeheartedly! I have a lot have less time than you but I found myself in a funk a few weeks ago where everything just felt blah, I felt down and deflated. Least gave me the same advice and it worked wonders, I'm back to my normal self and dare I say it...happy?

Throw that booze out and start counting your blessings, it's a long way to fall when you've come so far

Grungehead

What I try to remember (especially when I'm down) is that by not drinking life has a chance to get better, even if things aren't going great at the time. When I was drinking there was no chance things were ever going to get better, only worse.

Yeah being numb to it all might seem appealing at times but it's only temporary, and when it wears off it's even worse. So being the "logical" alcoholic I decided that if I drank all waking hours I'd always be numb. That's when it (alcohol) stopped working at keeping me numb. That was a special little place in hell I chose to put myself in.

The truth is that life is often difficult, even when we are doing the right things. That's why I have found it important to have a solid recovery plan in place. The other thing I've done is to try and find some meaningful things I care about in life. Whether it's career, family, hobbies, etc., finding something I'm passionate about gives me a reason to get up in the morning and something to look forward to even when the external things around me might not be going my way.

SnazzyDresser

That's the temptation, to get a little harmless timeout at the end of the day. But ultimately we need to realize that it's a bad deal for us and a big lie because the cost is mortgaging our entire beings, the future but also the all-important nows that we never end up really having.

doggonecarl

That's what heads do. They work. "Normal" is learning to cope with it. Not escape it.

Cellardweller

Thanks for the replies everyone. Today is a lot better. I didn’t drink last night or today. Good suggestions in this thread; remembering all the good things that I have going right now, how hard work would be with a hangover, guilt, all that. Plus my sobriety doesn’t just affect me, it affects my girlfriend too as she knows my drinking situation over the past 10ish years.

Thanks again, hope you all are well.

Stayingsassy

glad you didn't drink. thinking about others has often stopped me from giving up, too.

I know the thoughts and feelings you're having quite well. a year in, it's time to deal with what wasn't working instead of just avoiding. Dealing is hard. I'm gearing up to make it happen for myself too because returning to drinking is no longer the option to deal with life. Actually dealing with life is what I have to do, now.