FIONICH85

I need to stop. I'm approaching rock bottom and still have things left to lose. I know in my head and heart that if I continue on this path, I WILL lose everything. It's like watching a freight train barreling straight for you at full speed and still continuing on towards it anyway despite logic. I don't know how/when I became so weak. I've tried to quit 1000 times before and sometimes I can't even make it a day. The longest I've gone since this all started was 2 weeks. I went 4 days last week, but then fell off the train worse than ever. I spent hours blacked out yesterday in public and won't go into the horrible details. Today I am vowing to quit for good- whatever it takes.

One thing I am struggling with is that I find I don't enjoy any activity in life without alcohol anymore. I find happiness in nothing. Whether it is going to the grocery store, out to dinner, sitting on the couch , watching tv. I don't understand how I am going to push through being unhappy due to being sober while going through all of lifes activities. I can't possible imagine enjoying or looking forward to a vacation without alcohol.

I still know I need to quit though and if that means always feeling unhappy, so be it. Hopefully that will change in time, but right now I just can't imagine it. My urge is strong. During the 4 days I quit last week, I was fighting the voice constantly. It doesn't matter. I need to quit- whatever it takes.

Has anyone else felt as if they wouldn't be able to enjoy life at all without alcohol or find happiness in anything? Did it ever change once getting sober. Looking for some hope, but regardless I know I need to do this and I am starting today. Goodbye alcohol.

dwtbd

"Has anyone else felt as if they wouldn't be able to enjoy life at all without alcohol or find happiness in anything? "

Yes and no.

Yes:
I knew intellectually that billions of people don't drink at all and I could assume that they live lives that are not bereft of 'happiness'.

No:

I didn't feel that my life ,without the 'enjoyment' of intoxication , would be worth it.

Changing my perspective, intellectually examining the feelings surrounding the latter reinforced my apprehension of the former. And by apprehension I mean both connotations, I was able to apprehend the fact of the former and realize that my apprehension toward it was erroneous perspective of the latter.

That fact that I loved getting drunk in the past doesn't /didn't change , the fact I loved it so much and wasn't willing to give it up , that I was willing to pay any and every price to continue to indulge the urge for drunkenness was certainly a problem in my apprehension of the former.

The dopamine rush of the 'reward' of indulging the urge had me quite 'over a barrel'. When I recognized that that 'reward' and the happiness I associated with it was an illusory trap , when I broke the illusion happiness followed.

Not the 'happiness ' that was chemically induced stupidity and euphoria , but the sheer joy of being free of slavishly indulging the urge and getting the 'reward'.

Basking in the knowledge that I no longer pay any price for that self indentured servitude, the knowledge that I ended my addiction by quitting for good, never gets old

Do I miss the happiness of drunkenness ? Nope.

Did I feel I would? Yep, a thousand times over, that's what kept me 'there'.

Break the illusion, I guarantee You'll love it

Hawkeye13

It takes time to rewire--your senses and emotions get so blunted with drinking it simply takes time for physical and mental sensitivity to return.

And honestly, there are some lows you typically go through to get back to "normal" and then on to feeling good.

Think how many years and hours you have been drunk or drinking.
Why would it be logical for that to reverse in a matter of hours, days, or even a few weeks?

I can tell you that for me, it got better and better as time passed.
My body and spirit began to lift and I slept well, became more peaceful, and began to enjoy the "little things" of life once again.

You can do it

least

It took a few months of being sober to start feeling good again. But it does come.

doggonecarl

You say you aren't enjoying life without alcohol. How are you enjoying this:

Alcoholics and addicts want instant gratification. We want the "quick fix" to our problems. Well, recovery isn't a quick fix. But it's a lasting one.

Don't make your sobriety contingent on being happy. Not in the beginning. Get sober. Stay sober. Then make the changes in your life to live and love the sober life.

August252015

Glad to meet you. It was terrifying to me to jump to the other side, since I had no clue what it would be like to live sober. I just knew I didn't want to die so I took the risk of an uncertain future, in all ways, over a certain death by drinking.

It was mor than worth it for me. My brain definitely had to retire, among Igor things that needed to heal, and it took time to get clarity and start to live.

I hope you decide to quit now before you truly do lose everything.

FIONICH85

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I remained sober today and I really intend to stay that way. This has gone too far, time to press restart.

Ihadmyfill

Jump in...the water is great! Don't look back either!

FIONICH85

Today is day 2. I am determined. It's 5:30am here. I am up for work and I made a list of reasons why I am quitting. It's in a little note book and I'm going to read it anytime that evil voice kicks in. I was reading some of my posts on here from a few years ago and I was so much more well spoken. I feel like the alcohol abuse has effected my brain. What a horrible realization. I hope things will go back to normal eventually.

My reasons:
The arrests
The infidelity
The jekyl/hyde rage that makes me a danger to myself and the world around me and could very well land me in jail (and has before)
Calling the police on my husband (when he did nothing wrong)
Everything I have put my poor husband through in general. Sometimes I think he'd be better off if I just left, but he insists he doesn't want that. I am doing this for myself, but him finally having the good wife he deserves and that I know I am without the alcohol would be an added bonus.
Ruining my beautiful new car that I worked so hard for (haven't yet but I've given it some dings and a cracked windshield it is inevitible if I continue on this path)
Blacking out and not remembering hours of my life
Unable to function at work due to constant hangovers. This is especially screwed up because I currently have an amazing job that I worked so hard to get. I never thought I'd get as far as I have. My boss is a dream, I'm making excellent money, and I even get to be remote 3 days a week. Losing this job would be devastating and I doubt I'd ever be able to find anything comparable again.
Anxiety, poor decisions, guilt
Yelling at my husband which scares my poor dogs
Waking up at 3am unable to go back to sleep and tossing and turning for hours until the sun rises and I have to get up for work exhausted and useless
Did I mention the anger
Mind fog
Liver damage
The weight gain. Used to have a beautiful body.
The horrible skin
No life because I always feel like crap
Bloated, dehydrated, face has changed and looks older
Poor relationships with friends and family
Can't trust myself

This has to be it for good. Reading that list I am amazed I let it go on for this long. Good lord please give me the strength to continue abstaining.

dwtbd

That's quite a list.

That list , I think, also points to an inner strength, yeah? A strength you have and can redirect. Being a drunk takes a lot of hard work and fortitude with a confidence to know you can pay any price to keep indulging that desire. Continuing on that course will sap that strength , that course will eat you up , yeah? And for what?

Use this moment of clarity to cement your resolve. Use that inner strength you already have to smash the illusion.

Decide right now to say to that voice , the one that says enduring the costs of that list and the consequences of it are worth it, that you see that it's bs , all that cost in mind, body and soul , for what? More booze?

You Can Do It , right now, smash that illusion.

I'm an AVRT'er , I smashed the illusion, locked up my Beast using AVRT, some great threads here on SR in the Secular Recovery forum and subforums on those ideas.

Tap into that strength you have , redirect it , believe you can , because you Can.

Rootin for ya

lessgravity

Most of this sounds like my life before I finally quit for good. Everything gets better, though life is still suffering and work.

Do you have a plan?

entropy1964

I do relate to your post. There was a time when I thought I couldn't enjoy life without booze. So I kept trying to drink, long past the point of any level of logic. I couldn't enjoy life WITH booze. It simply no longer worked. But I definitely tried to make it work for an awfully long time, in the face of mounting evidence that booze was the problem, not the solution. You have listed your own evidence that booze isn't working for you either.

So what to do? For me, I had to realize that trying to be 'happy' all the time was folly. What even is that? Happy is an emotion. Like sad, or angry, or irritated or anything else. It passes. So it isn't a state of being. I have found that contentment is something I can maintain....even if I had days of being somewhere north or south of that baseline. And contentment is an internal set point. It has little to do with what is happening outside of me. Little to do with cars, homes, jobs, kids, money, weight, looks, etc. Everything to do with acceptance of myself and surrender to what I cannot control. Everything to do with accountability and owning my own shlit. Everything to do with emotional maturity and realizing that I have a moral obligation to myself, those I love and society to be stable and conscientious. I cannot do any of that if I drink. It is the absolute opposite of contentment.

So I had to learn to live life without booze. Cope with those feelings, the restlessness that booze could no longer ease. That takes time. Sometimes the easiest path is the most logical : To feel good, I had to do good. To feel bad, I had to do bad. Very poor sentences but I hope you get the gist. Good luck.

Hevyn

Hi Fionich. I'm so glad you're here.

I definitely couldn't envision my life without alcohol. I drank 30 yrs. In the end, it was part of everything I did (yes, grocery store...). If I didn't have it in my system I'd be miserably sick & shaky. It became very inconvenient to hide it, though. Everyone I worked with - friends & family all knew - despite my clever use of eye drops, mints, & perfume. My personality changed too when I overdid it. I was so tired of covering my tracks, hiding, lying. It was wonderful to finally get free. There were a few months of adapting to my new sober world. I was a bit sorry for myself & resentful at first. As the fog cleared, I was grateful to have a new chance at life. You can do it. Be proud of yourself.