It boils down to "no matter what"
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
It boils down to "no matter what"
Hello everyone,
I'm sharing with you what some might consider obvious, but for me was a reminder that I needed. Maybe someone on here could use it, too.
I had just over 6 months of sobriety. And in that time I consciously worked on designing a lifestyle that would help me stay healthy physically, emotionally and psychologically; I wasn't merely a passive abstinent person, but someone truly leading a sober life.
I took up mountain biking, I started listening to Eckhart Tolle (mindfulness teacher) every morning before work, which helped me arm myself with the tools to handle stress and the especially difficult personalities I would inevitably encounter while on the job. I recycled one of my favorite book series, which was something to look forward to every night.
Life was starting to faithfully follow an upward trajectory. I really had nothing to be regretful of or dissatisfied with. I was doing very well at work and getting recognition, my bills were in order. I was getting 8 hours of sleep every night. I was content and all around things were just fine.
Perhaps that was the problem? Things were so good that I let my guard down - I somehow forgot one of my greatest vulnerabilities. Perhaps I was more the passive abstinent person over a sober one than I had realized. Yes, I would say so now that I think about it. Writing this down is really helping me pinpoint where I could have done better.
A couple of months ago on a Friday, a deskmate messaged me close to the end of the day. "It's dead quiet in here. Floating Goat is just down the road. Wanna leave a little early and ring in the weekend?" I was surprised at my response! I was mulling it over!
Mulling it over, as though I had a choice (we all do in theory, but if you want to be sober, then you don't!).
I agreed. I drank a couple of glasses of cider. A couple of weeks went by with no drinking. On a date the man I was just starting to see asked if I wanted a glass of wine. Yes. A couple more weeks went by and other opportunities to have a glass or two. Yes. Physically the alcoholic responses were coming back: clenching jaw in the morning, fuzzy headed, a little shaky, social anxiety was ascending. No binge drinking at this point, but the gradual reintroducing of alcohol was tightening its grip on me again. The voice in my head was getting louder and more persistent in the evening. I started forgetting Eckhart's helpful tools for dealing with stress. One evening after work I drove straight to the local bar, had a glass of wine by myself. Popped over to the local market and bought a bottle. The next morning I felt utterly miserable. A zombie. That awful moment when you open your eyes and remember what you did, and instantly a cloud of doom overshadows you. The guilt and fear was gripping me. Get out. Get out now. In no time at all now, you'lll turn a corner and be drinking two bottles every night again.
So here I am, determination reignited, new lessons in my sobriety arsenal, and walking through the fire of shame to admit I let myself become a passenger and gave up the helm. Now I'm back at the helm and so grateful I am stopping before I turned that last corner (you all know what the one, I'm talking about. When we've crossed our threshold and physically and mentally we're back into fully bloomed alcoholism).
If I were to conclude what the lesson is, it's no matter how neat and tidy you manage your ducks in a row, my experience tells me it's all for naught if you're not a mentally active participant in your sobriety. I eliminated a lot of the stress in my life, but that was just one stone unturned. I forgot the most important one.
What it boils down to is recognizing that I am not these thoughts, I am the one who recognizes this (Tolle). So when that voice creeps in and says "Just one time. You've earned it. You can manage it if you quickly snap back to reality after," I must calmy call it out for what it is and not hesitate to say "no". What it boils down to is commitment. No matter what. No. No. And every time, no.
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read and care as always.
Wishing everyone a blissfully sober weekend.
ForestFrenzy
I'm sharing with you what some might consider obvious, but for me was a reminder that I needed. Maybe someone on here could use it, too.
I had just over 6 months of sobriety. And in that time I consciously worked on designing a lifestyle that would help me stay healthy physically, emotionally and psychologically; I wasn't merely a passive abstinent person, but someone truly leading a sober life.
I took up mountain biking, I started listening to Eckhart Tolle (mindfulness teacher) every morning before work, which helped me arm myself with the tools to handle stress and the especially difficult personalities I would inevitably encounter while on the job. I recycled one of my favorite book series, which was something to look forward to every night.
Life was starting to faithfully follow an upward trajectory. I really had nothing to be regretful of or dissatisfied with. I was doing very well at work and getting recognition, my bills were in order. I was getting 8 hours of sleep every night. I was content and all around things were just fine.
Perhaps that was the problem? Things were so good that I let my guard down - I somehow forgot one of my greatest vulnerabilities. Perhaps I was more the passive abstinent person over a sober one than I had realized. Yes, I would say so now that I think about it. Writing this down is really helping me pinpoint where I could have done better.
A couple of months ago on a Friday, a deskmate messaged me close to the end of the day. "It's dead quiet in here. Floating Goat is just down the road. Wanna leave a little early and ring in the weekend?" I was surprised at my response! I was mulling it over!
Mulling it over, as though I had a choice (we all do in theory, but if you want to be sober, then you don't!).I agreed. I drank a couple of glasses of cider. A couple of weeks went by with no drinking. On a date the man I was just starting to see asked if I wanted a glass of wine. Yes. A couple more weeks went by and other opportunities to have a glass or two. Yes. Physically the alcoholic responses were coming back: clenching jaw in the morning, fuzzy headed, a little shaky, social anxiety was ascending. No binge drinking at this point, but the gradual reintroducing of alcohol was tightening its grip on me again. The voice in my head was getting louder and more persistent in the evening. I started forgetting Eckhart's helpful tools for dealing with stress. One evening after work I drove straight to the local bar, had a glass of wine by myself. Popped over to the local market and bought a bottle. The next morning I felt utterly miserable. A zombie. That awful moment when you open your eyes and remember what you did, and instantly a cloud of doom overshadows you. The guilt and fear was gripping me. Get out. Get out now. In no time at all now, you'lll turn a corner and be drinking two bottles every night again.
So here I am, determination reignited, new lessons in my sobriety arsenal, and walking through the fire of shame to admit I let myself become a passenger and gave up the helm. Now I'm back at the helm and so grateful I am stopping before I turned that last corner (you all know what the one, I'm talking about. When we've crossed our threshold and physically and mentally we're back into fully bloomed alcoholism).
If I were to conclude what the lesson is, it's no matter how neat and tidy you manage your ducks in a row, my experience tells me it's all for naught if you're not a mentally active participant in your sobriety. I eliminated a lot of the stress in my life, but that was just one stone unturned. I forgot the most important one.
What it boils down to is recognizing that I am not these thoughts, I am the one who recognizes this (Tolle). So when that voice creeps in and says "Just one time. You've earned it. You can manage it if you quickly snap back to reality after," I must calmy call it out for what it is and not hesitate to say "no". What it boils down to is commitment. No matter what. No. No. And every time, no.
Thank you, everyone, for taking the time to read and care as always.
Wishing everyone a blissfully sober weekend.
ForestFrenzy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,246
Thanks for your post. You have described how I relapsed after 6 months also....It was a wavering commitment. I failed to differentiate 'me' from my thoughts.
It has taken me 6 months to get the commitment straight in my mind again. 6 months of slipping and sliding.
Best wishes on your recovery.
It has taken me 6 months to get the commitment straight in my mind again. 6 months of slipping and sliding.
Best wishes on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 982
A similar thing happened to me after 6+ months sober last year, made an impulsive happy hour decision that awoke the beast. Thankfully I'm back at six months again, lesson learned.
Back at the helm like you said, great job strengthening your sober arsenal!
Back at the helm like you said, great job strengthening your sober arsenal!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
I was wondering where you were!!
I think sometimes that a big reason I don't relapse is that I never left SR.
having a community is so important. We are here for you if you want to stick around.
Great decision to come right back when you feel the ship start to sink. Welcome back.
I think sometimes that a big reason I don't relapse is that I never left SR.
having a community is so important. We are here for you if you want to stick around.
Great decision to come right back when you feel the ship start to sink. Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Thank you for sharing this. Alcohol is cunning baffling and powerful and we have to make sure we NEVER forget that. My ducks are all in a row ONLY because I do not drink anymore but that AV is so persuasive and has already whispered to me many times that things are better now so a little drink will be ok!! I am sorry you had to go through this but your experience has helped me at 4 months sober. Good luck in your continued journey of sobriety x x
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
There was a time I had to drink no matter what. Then I made a choice out of desperation so was it really a choice? to take and continue to take some very specific action. Since then I haven't needed to drink no matter what, for a very long time.
In this context the word "no" is not required. It just hasn't occurred to me to take a drink, no matter what. Something about being placed in a position of neutrality around alcohol.
In this context the word "no" is not required. It just hasn't occurred to me to take a drink, no matter what. Something about being placed in a position of neutrality around alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
There's a saying that alcoholism has a "built in forgetter" and I believe it's true. Denial and rationalization sit perched on my shoulders whispering in my ear. Going to AA is a reminder that I'm an alcoholic, that I never forget the consequences. I recently met a woman who, after 34 years sober, drank. She had cut off ties with others in recovery and her program became a distant memory. Fortunately she came back after seven months of daily drinking and now has ten years.
I am not these thoughts - I am the Master of these thoughts.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 134
Wow.
I am so moved that you all care so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond. And thanks for the welcome back.
That's what I need. A daily reminder. I can't run from it or deny it, even if I am sober and all ducks are in a row. It's not permission to let the reality fade away from my conciousness. I have to accept this limitation and allow it to be part of my journey. I hate to say part of who I am, but it is an irreversible circumstance I am better off remembering than denying.
It's rough right now. Intermittently dabbling in it as opposed to full-on binging every day is just as hard to stop. But I am committing to it. I'm clean and getting more and more clear-headed, through the AV tantrums that break through here and there.
I'm here now and grateful for SoberRecovery, and all the remarkable people here.
Bless you all <3
I am so moved that you all care so much. Thank you for taking the time to respond. And thanks for the welcome back.
That's what I need. A daily reminder. I can't run from it or deny it, even if I am sober and all ducks are in a row. It's not permission to let the reality fade away from my conciousness. I have to accept this limitation and allow it to be part of my journey. I hate to say part of who I am, but it is an irreversible circumstance I am better off remembering than denying.
It's rough right now. Intermittently dabbling in it as opposed to full-on binging every day is just as hard to stop. But I am committing to it. I'm clean and getting more and more clear-headed, through the AV tantrums that break through here and there.
I'm here now and grateful for SoberRecovery, and all the remarkable people here.
Bless you all <3
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