Freddie12

When I drink, I become someone entirely. I blackout and do things I would NEVER do. I want to know how you feel work on overcoming this to forgive yourself? This girl has caused me more heartache and sadness then anything else ever has. More sadness then when I was raped, when I got divorced, when I lost loved ones. She has flipped my world entirely upside down.
This girl that’s comes out when the bottle is gone cheats... multiple times now that girl has made out with someone that wasn’t my loving and supportive boyfriend. Each morning this happened I knew nothing about it and had no memory of anything. Each time no one would tell me till later that next day and as soon as I found out I told my boyfriend. He is working with me through this. He forgave me the first time and we got past it but this last weekend I had repeated this nasty terrible mistake. I told him as soon as I knew. This time it’s worse. Everyone in town is telling my I’m a ****** person and if he stays with me he is stupid and no one will ever want to hangout with either of us. I feel so terrible I’ve been crying non stop and can’t bare the thought of eating without wanting to puke. Suicide has even crossed my mind not once but lots these last couple days. I’m losing everyone around me. I hate myself for letting this happen. I’m disgusted and ashamed. I’m hurt and I hate that I hurt my love. He is still by my side helping me through this, helping me overcome this demon. He told me he knows I don’t remember anything and that it isn’t who I am and that’s not me. He says it’s gonna be a tough road and I have lost all his trust and I don’t blame him. I don’t trust me. How do you cope with something like this? How can he still love this terrible human I am?

soberista

Im sure you will get lots of good advice here...

For what its worth you are she. Accept and own it. You can escape this. Stop drinking now and she wont reappear. Seek help, make a plan and start to put distance between what you once were and who you are now becoming - one minute, hour, day at a time

Its worth it. Xx

Anna

Freddie, I became a person that I hated when I drank, too. I felt like a stranger to myself, and yet, it was me. And, that's the hard part.

Forgiving yourself is essential to your recovery. Forgiving yourself doesn't mean that what you did didn't matter. Not at all. It simply means that you are putting down the load of pain so that you can move forward. For me, forgiving myself took time. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually over a period of time. I found that journaling really helped. When I wrote down my angry feelings about myself, they lost some of their power and I began to feel better.

The most important thing you can do is to stop drinking and begin to treat yourself with the kindness that you deserve.

least

It takes time, sober time, before you can forgive yourself. If you stop drinking, you won't have any more incidents you regret.

Eddiebuckle

My first sponsor told me "never forget your last drink or chances are you haven't had it yet." This isn't about shame, it's about acknowledging that we cannot drink sanely or normally any more.

We all have our own versions of what this means; for you, to drink is to invite that person back to destroy your life and hurt everyone you love. Nothing external that happens changes the math or absolves you from being responsible for the fact: when you choose to drink you are also choosing to let these things happen again.

The good news is you never have to drink again. The question is whether you are willing to do what it takes, day after day, to stay sober.

Good luck, you CAN do this.

NYCDoglvr

If you want self-esteem you must take "esteemable" actions. Go on drinking and the self-hate will continue. Get serious about recovery, get in a program, and you can have a life beyond your wildest dreams. It's your choice.

RecklessEric

My young daughter has seen me drunk on a few occasions.
These are the things that I have to avoid happening again.
I can't change the past and do not seek forgiveness.
What I can do is ensure she never sees me drunk again.
Only then can I hope to put it right.

Spybee007

Drinking made me do some of the most horrible and irresponsible things and more so in front of the people closest to me. People actually named my drunk alter-ego (My sober name is Ryan and when I drink, Dryan comes out).

There were countless times I woke up with that oh no feeling of shame and regret and the feeling knowing people closest to you are hurt or pissed and then trying to convince them it was the drunk you and you aren't going to drink anymore... And then there's the blackouts and they have to tell you all the horrible things you said and did.

It's so much easier being sober then having to go through all that. Yes, you will know you were like that, but you won't beat yourself up because you will have made the most important change you can make and you know that person won't be able to come out w/o the alcohol.

Hevyn

Freddie, that's why I had to stop drinking all together. Every time it was in my system it led me to a dangerous place. I definitely become a different person when drinking. I used to not believe people when they told me the things I said. The drunk me is the exact opposite of the real me. I had to get rid of her & never allow her to take over my life again.

Forgive yourself - that wasn't you. The real you can overcome this sad time in your life. You can get free of it and grow stronger. Life will be so much better & happier with a clear conscience.

Kat1313

Freddie, I’m sorry to read about your emotional pain and struggle. My first post on SR was pretty much about the agony of feeling ashamed and embarrassed after I drank and let my family down again. So, I do know what you must be feeling right now and can certainly relate to it. “Time heals all wounds”-they say, right? Well, it’s true, I guess; although I am not there yet completely. But what I can tell you from my own experience is that you MUST get sober first and stay sober in order to get better and start healing. The fog needs to clear before you can start working on forgiving yourself and seeing your mistakes as “life lessons”. They were meant to occur in your life for a reason (whatever the reason or reasons may be). Perhaps, so you can learn from them and take yourself on a new path with the prospects of a better future. If you mustered the courage to reach out for help, you can find the strength to accept the help offered! You CAN do it! WE can do it together! Give yourself a chance and get on a road to recovery. I’ll be thinking of you as I work on my recovery. You are not alone, and this is a no judgement zone. 🙏🏻🤝

BullDog777

I often wondered why my wife put up with me and never stopped loving me.

Embarrassment will go away with time, shame and anxiety too. All of these things are temporary. Suicide is doing nothing more than handing off your pain to people who don't deserve it.

The best thing you can do is get yourself some professional help. Be it AA or rehab, or therapy, you need something to help you deal with this.

Put one foot in front of the other and walk out of hell. It can be done. Post a lot here and get plugged into a bunch of people who are gonna care about you just because you're a drunk.

Life can be beautiful. I've done some awful s#it, but if i can come back from it, so can you. One day at a time.

Kat1313

/\ very well said and absolutely true!

ScottFromWI

Welcome Freddie, lots of great advice here. We’ve all done things we regret when drunk, some of them quite serious indeed. The way we learned to heal and forgive ourselves all started with exactly the sane thing though....getting rid of Alcohol for good. It won’t erase what we’ve done, but being free of it allows us to live the life we want....and to show people that we can be caring and responsible.