Briansy

Hi all,

Feeling motivated at the end of day 12. I've reached day 14 earlier this year but was taking no action to get beyond it and when surrounded by triggers I naturally caved. This time I am taking action - going to at least one AA meeting a day, consuming recovery material, coming on here and avoiding trigger situations like the plague. It has helped massively that my colleague was out of the office this week so I could work from home and focus a bit more on my recovery and getting my head straight after a rough week last week.

Anyway, I have really noticed that I have benefited massively from meetings where I feel comfortable - and those are generally where the people are a little more thoughtful and articulate - and where the venues are a bit nicer. I've found some to be a bit "cliquey" and some are really rough - those meetings have left me coming away feeling a bit bad as I want to see the "fellowship" aspect of it also but if I don't like the crowd then that's kinda out the window. Am I being too judgemental here? Or is it important to seek out a crowd you're comfortable with? I'm asking as part of this is to learn more humility and be a better person but it's not really a great start if I think some meetings are a bit grim for my liking. Maybe this is normal. Just curious to hear people's thoughts.

kevlarsjal2

I also had very mixed experienced with different meetings. Sometimes it was also just that day and when I went back another time it felt very different. But generally I stick to those groups where I feel comfortable. Which are not that many in my city despite there being meetings every day. Lots of them are very cliquey too or just people who make me feel uncomfortable, them being very "rough" or talking about things that are trauma related for me, which just doesn't work for me. If I go to a meeting and I just feel bad afterwards, then it is not helpful for me.

MindfulMan

I am a solidly upper middle class whiteboy.

I got thrown into rehab with current and ex cons, people who had been homeless, hookers to support their drug habit, people with health issues from a lack of insurance, drug dealers. Then there was the girl from Malibu who was unhappy that Daddy hadn’t put her back in the good rehab where she could have her horse (she wasn’t that bad, she saw the irony in it), as well as trust fund babies, a son of a famous rapper...

I learned a lot from it. Money doesn’t buy sobriety. When I got out the meetings I preferred WERE the “rough” ones. There was no pretense or BS, raw equaled real.

Whatever your criteria, I think you need to find a sympatico group. I can’t handle meetings with a lot of God, Christianity, and ending with the Lords Prayer. Others may find themselves more comfortable with secular groups.

August252015

I was raised in a privileged world of country clubs, private schools, deb balls, on and on. My home group is the haves and have more, for sure. It is a close knit and great group of people. Those I would have seen out and about in my neighborhood, golfing with my dad, at my Varsity tennis matches....those mtgs are MWF and held in a private room at a cute little restaurant. I can't usually get to all three but hit one of those a week as. my schedule allows.

I also go to the big clubhouses at least once a week- some of the people I know and respect he most from my home group also show up consistently at these meetings where the tatted up, ex con, cross dressing folks are frequent visitors. My husband really likes one particular men's meeting At a nearby church that is huge and full of a variety of guys.

On some Friday nights. We go to an LGBTQ+ meeting that is open to all.

I was told early on that going to different "kinds" of meetings, in this sense meaning the make up of the audience, is a great thing. I have found it to be true. No matter where I go, though, I can always learn something from someone there.

Ghostlight1

Excellent answers. I got sober with people a different color than me. I didn't care, I wanted to get sober and no one ever gave me a second look.
As the others have stated, I've been to all kinds of meetings. Never bothers me. I figure if they're willing to have me, great I can go.

Thing is, we're all there for the same reason and that's all that matters to me and who am I to judge?
I love diversity. And no matter what meeting I go to, I can feel the power of a common cause.

Briansy

Hmmm. Seems like the majority view is I'm being too judgemental. I'm not close to the point of examining my character defects but I know myself well enough to say that being judgemental is definitely one of them! Maybe I should qualify what I said and add that there seems to be a seething anger and unhappiness present in a lot of the people in the meetings I don't like, but a softer, more serene and "happier" feel to those I do. I guess part of it is needing proof the programme does, in fact, work (and not just to prevent drinking, but to introduce some peace and happiness into my life).

I'm hoping I'll respond differently to meetings I don't like once I've gone through the programme, but, for now, I'll probably avoid them to prevent any lingering negative thoughts.

One other point: I seem to feel more comfortable in meetings that don't have many "peers" - i.e. I'm a 39 year old guy - I really enjoy a meeting which is predominantly made up of kindly ladies in their late 60s. But then part of me thinks: Is that a bit wrong?! All of the introspection gets tiring after a while...

August252015

Briansy, I have found that I "take to" different kinds of folks, and that has been different at different points in my recovery. The angry old timer "type" of AAers makes me sad- and shows me what I do NOT want to be like! I have to remember that everyone has a different kind of sobriety- and sometimes, even simplify that to remembering that if anyone in he world who needs to get sober and stay that way does, it's a win for us all.

Judgmentalness is definitely one of my defects too. Some days, I want to roll my eyes when a person I know enough tells The. Same. Story. Yet . Again. I try to curb this impulse best I can ...

I have found that what I heard early in about looking for those who have what I wants the best policy, whatever their package. Listening most to those who talk from their own ESH (experience, strength and hope) is most inspiring and educating to me, especially when they focus most on the strength and hope parts- what they did to get sober but most importantly to live beyond that and live well in recovery.

Just as a point of reference from my experience, I considered myself in early recovery for maybe a year and a half. You are asking great questions at 12 days....which is great and also super early in sobriety. It took me plenty of time to sort the program out to the point I am now at two and a half years. I still have stuff to learn. I couldn't judge "proof" at first but I see it ALL the time now in he lives of people around me, and without a doubt just in my own life. I can say with certainty I would not have anything I do if I didn't have my recovery. Which for me is my dedicated AA program.

Keep going- it has been and keeps being a learning process for me, so I am grateful we are supposed to appreciate progress not expect perfection!

Briansy

All sensible stuff, August. I think we have the same viewpoint.

I think when people are talking sense, are kind, seem content in themselves and are able to articulate what they're feeling in an insightful way, then I should stick close to those people in recovery. I guess I've found certain meetings have lots more of those than others - and some seem to almost solely comprise of people venting with only the thinnest of strands bringing it all back to the topic in hand. Those meetings also seem to have an element of gossip about other people in recovery from the local area - that's not a scene I want to get into!!!

August252015

It took me a bit to sort out who to stay away from in some meetings for sure! And as a woman who got her looks back as I got well, ha, I had to recognize the 13th steppers!

Trusting myself with all kinds of decisions after having such crummy drunken judgment took awhile but I've (mostly) gotten there.

I also have to remember that sometimes, a persons needs to talk. They may not be on topic at all, like you said. Or at least I can't figure out a thin thread of connection. But they re there for a reason, and maybe he meeting is the only time in a day they can talk about whatever it is they are dealt with...some days that is me, too. I might just be there to nod for them, and vice versa.

Briansy

That's a very good point. One I'm kinda getting. I've read that a big part of the usefulness of meetings is the benefit you get from sharing. I'm a bit conscious about repeating myself at the mo and am not at the point to make wise reflections yet!!

But I think the best point is: I am grateful we are supposed to appreciate progress not expect perfection!

D122y

I didn't fit in to AA...yet.

I saw the life saving capabilities and I didn't burn my bridges.

In my meetings...i went to several different times at the same place..I saw...and in somecases...always heard..people I would consider role model and others that were insane.

My AA experience was a big stew of drunks trying to move forward in life. Some folks were super nice, some clicky, some angry, sad, on something..e.g. drunk or drugged...etc. etc.

The focus was the big book. That was the starting point. From there...it was listen to folks talk.

Sort of like SR...but I couldn't stop reading like here. I would often play on my phone...disrespectfully..while someone rambled on and on about whatever they thought needed to be said.

At least I never walked out while someone was rambling.

I understand we humans need humans sometimes, so AA adds that as well as the life saving capabilities.

For me...SR filled me in on the reality of my situation. No steps, no miracle.

I have brain damage from years of boozing. It will never fully heal. I have to adapt and never drink again. I will crave for the rest of my life.

I see and feel the benefits every day of staying clean and I love it. I sleep well, don't get very angry any more, am stronger, and hardly get sick. My BP is down.

I am a new man. SR saved my life. I suffer..off and on...daily.

Thanks.

Fly N Buy

The meeting you find annoying or not my kind of people will change and may become your home group.

Love and tolerance of others is our code.......good place to practice this vital principle.

keep coming back

nez

When I was drinking, any bar with alcohol was the right bar. Some bars were more right than others in my opinion, but bottom line was that I could get what I was after in any of them.

In sobriety, any meeting with recovery is the right meeting. Some meetings are more right than others in my opinion, but bottom line is that I can get what I am after in any of them.

Teachers take on many shapes and forms. They don't come from a single mold. Some may not even know that they are teachers, but they have lessons for me if I am ready.

NYCDoglvr

I think we are all drawn to meetings where we relate to others and feel comfortable. Go to meetings where you feel the best.

Fly N Buy

Go to meetings where the solution is the focus and not how is everyone feeling today. For real alcoholics, this may save their lives. It did mine

bunchie

I too am early in sobriety, 19 days, I agree with your assessment of the meetings, I have been to all type of meetings, inner city , and suburbs, some are very cliquey, where you almost do not feel welcome, almost to the point at one of them I almost walked out. I found a group which I feel comfortable and I am going to stick with it and ignore the rude ones until I get more sobriety maybe I will go back to a meeting where I felt uncomfortable and I might feel different.Bottom line is staying sober.

August252015

One of the other things I had to learn îts not about me and that "it " means a lot of things.

Especially in the earliest of sobriety many of us are fighting for our very lives, and everyone is struggling somehow. We really cannot know why someone is making a face or moves a chair to the corner or doesn't want to chat after a meeting.....like I learned about how much people cared about my not drinking anymore, which is they generally don't, everyone in a meeting or anywhere else is there for themselves first most of the time.

SoberTyger

I agree. My first stint at AA was in a groups with just coffee and talks, only kept me sober some months and never really improved my life. After a relapse I got back into aa in a different group, all focused on solution and working the steps. After the very first meeting i talked to the guy leading the meeting and he became my sponsor, in a few months I worked the steps - and THAT is what changed my life for the better - not quitting the booze, because that always made me miserable sooner or later and I would go back to drinking.

Now i am 11 months sober and I frequent a handful of meetings, and go to meetings all over the country as a speaker at least once or twice a months, and I love my life in AA.

slangking

Do you have to stand up and introduce yourself? I would like to go along to an AA session to see what there like, just to observe it really, but I'm shy as peas . Been sober for a year and a half but I'm thinking of going back to alcohol which I know is the wrong option .

August252015

Hey Slang! Glad you are sharing and asking.

The usual AA format is definitely not calling people out like that. God I would have haaated that and even though I knew it was my only option, been really resentful just about that among things I was already mad about.

Anyone with a desire to quit drinking- or in your case, keep sober and get more support since you sound at a crossroads, is welcome. Sometimes there are Step 1 or Newcomers meetings, specifically. I have only been to one small meeting where everyone was encouraged to speak, and I just said "pass." An Open Discussion meeting is also a great start- the format may vary a little- some groups always read the 12 steps and 12 traditions at the start, open with a moment of silence and the Serenity Prayer. Others like my home group use a preamble that says we do not read these but we practice them.

An OD meeting usually has a topic and/or meeting leader who brings somethi up as the theme if you will. It might be...acceptance, or resentment, or....how someone has been having drinking thoughts lately....or any kind of recovery related stuff and people generally have a set amount of time to share.

I have been to meetings in cities besides Atlanta and they can vary on some of his stuff but at core are supposed to follow a format that meets AA guidelines. You can find some useful info online if you google AA.

Lastly, I am a very outgoing and talkative person but when it came to AA I didn't speak up for quite awhile, maybe 80 or so days.

Sounds like a good time for you to give it a shot, try a few meetings over the course of a month, say, and see what you learn.