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Tired of myself

Old 08-09-2018, 07:17 AM
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Tired of myself

For years I've been struggling with alcohol. I can drink 2/3 of a fifth of 100 proof vodka every day for weeks, but can break off for several weeks with no adverse side effects. My problem is purely behavioral - I still have this mental fix which says that the best fun I can have is to get drunk. I can't approach my family for support. In my family, any failing translates to a moral failure - "you got a 98% on that test, what's wrong with you?" If I told them I was having drinking problems I'd be condemned.
So, just listing negatives just to get my head straight: I'm tired of...
1. Being dependent upon alcohol and building my life around it. ("Building" is a cruddy word, "editing" is better - I can't go out at night, I can't go out on weekends, all because that is dedicated drinking time).
2. Breaking promises to myself and to God
3. Feeling guilty
4. Letting things lapse (from paying bills to cleaning house) when under the influence
5. Struggling with the "forever" abstinence thing. I've tried every form of moderation (wine only, measured amounts of alcohol only, alcohol only on weekends, on Fridays, etc.). I seem to have immeasurable amounts of creativity when it comes to avoiding total abstinence, but they all escalate into binges.

In the last year I've been very lucky in my career and life, and have been given many gifts of opportunity which I'm not embracing because of this continual focus on when I can schedule my next drink. It's like a bag of gemstones is being poured into my hands and I let them trickle through my fingers while I reach for a cheap plastic glass. How do I finally step through the door to the acceptance of "I won't drink EVER"?
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Old 08-09-2018, 07:23 AM
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What age are you? I was exactly like you until about a year ago. Then WDs started happening and now happen every time I drink. I wasn't drinking every day either. That strengthened my resolve to quit but that second bit has been easier said than done. I am finally putting a "plan" into action this time which I hope will be a big help. Doing it on my own just didn't work.
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Old 08-09-2018, 12:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Lascaux View Post
How do I finally step through the door to the acceptance of "I won't drink EVER"?
When you are ready to walk through the door, the door to sobriety, you either will....or you will continue to drink. Where are you? On the drinking side of the door?

Only you can get yourself through the door.

When I went through, after 35 years of drinking, it was after a moment of clarity about my drinking and where it was going to take me. With the veil of denial lifted, for just a moment, I realized I wanted off.

But I didn't know the door was marked "Quitting forever" Forever wasn't a concept until I had done a fair share of recovery work. Once I realized I had never been a normal drinker, and was never going to be a normal drinker, then never drinking again became easy to accept.

Never drinking. That's my commitment.
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Old 08-09-2018, 01:22 PM
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too many people get stuck on that word...forever.

just worry about today. if you put together enough todays, forever just becomes a longer plan to which you already have the answer for.
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Old 08-09-2018, 01:31 PM
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here's something else that took me awhile to get.

people who don't have a lot of time always say "i don't think i can do this forever" ---well no s#it. early sobriety sucks.

however, after you have a day 365 or 379 or 543 or 675 or 707 or 800...well those days are infinitely easier than days 1-200 and so forth.

So for me...i'm at almost 2 and a half years....i can say "forever" without crapping my pants a little.

The idea to me, seems like a MUCH better plan than the self destructive instant gratification of sucking on the bottle for another 25 years.
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Old 08-09-2018, 03:03 PM
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Hi Lascaux,

First of all, a problem with alcohol is neither a moral issue nor an issue of weakness/lack of willpower - it is truly a disease. Science is just at the cusp of formally recognizing this, so don't get caught up in feeling like you're failing people because of some shortcoming that you could easily change if only you had the moral compass to do so.

That said, it is possible to change. Don't bother with worrying about forever; as the others have said, only worry about today when it comes to drinking. For other aspects of your life, go ahead and plan, but for drinking: make a one-day plan each day that centers around NOT drinking at any cost. Perhaps that means going to several AA meetings, getting some numbers to call if you feel the urge, confessing this problem to your friends (who probably already know)... it can take many forms. You have to be willing to do anything to get there, and unfortunately it invariably means swallowing some pride and learning humility. It's not easy by any means.

You know you have a problem. Don't let it get any worse. You say to yourself while sober "I'd never squander these opportunities", but you've already admitted that when drinking, you let things slide and are incapable of giving anything your all. I know precisely how this is. Nothing matters when I'm drinking except MORE drinking, and more and more and more...

Please look into feasible options sooner rather than later. Future you will be so thankful
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Old 08-09-2018, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by VigilanceNow View Post
Hi Lascaux,

First of all, a problem with alcohol is neither a moral issue nor an issue of weakness/lack of willpower - it is truly a disease. Science is just at the cusp of formally recognizing this, so don't get caught up in feeling like you're failing people because of some shortcoming that you could easily change if only you had the moral compass to do so.

That said, it is possible to change. Don't bother with worrying about forever; as the others have said, only worry about today when it comes to drinking. For other aspects of your life, go ahead and plan, but for drinking: make a one-day plan each day that centers around NOT drinking at any cost. Perhaps that means going to several AA meetings, getting some numbers to call if you feel the urge, confessing this problem to your friends (who probably already know)... it can take many forms. You have to be willing to do anything to get there, and unfortunately it invariably means swallowing some pride and learning humility. It's not easy by any means.

You know you have a problem. Don't let it get any worse. You say to yourself while sober "I'd never squander these opportunities", but you've already admitted that when drinking, you let things slide and are incapable of giving anything your all. I know precisely how this is. Nothing matters when I'm drinking except MORE drinking, and more and more and more...

Please look into feasible options sooner rather than later. Future you will be so thankful
What he said^^^^^^^

Attending AA meetings was step 1 for me and telling all those who knew I drink was step 2. Once I let family and friends know that I am done with drinking, a huge weight was off my chest. I knew if they really cared for me that they would be in my corner. If they didn't show support, then I went ahead and worked my plan without them. You have to make this decision on your own and don't let anyone get in your head about where you are going with it. Don't waste another day of your life letting the poison slow you down. There is too much good to enjoy on the sober side of life!
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Old 08-09-2018, 04:02 PM
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The key for me was to finally admit I was an alcoholic and surrender. Those early of thoughts of not drinking again are VERY scary, but it's just the addiction talking. Alcohol rewires our brain and it takes time for it to heal. But you know what, it will heal. You WILL feel better. I have 9+ years of recovery and each year is a little better than the last. If I can do it, YOU CAN TOO!!!
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Old 08-09-2018, 04:15 PM
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Hi Lascaux
for me I had to put as much effort into not drinking as I did my drinking - and I was the guy who'd walk a mile barefoot over broken glass for a drink.

Think about hat you're doing to stay sober - is it enough - what else could you do.

How could you short circuit those inner arguments so that drinking is not longer a viable outcome?

more support? better use of the support you have? Changes to your lifestyle?

The answers in there somewhere

D
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